MsJayne Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) What does it all mean when a guy you're dating has repeatedly said that they never wanted to get married but they've actually been married twice, and, according to him, both times was pressured into it? Also repeatedly states that he's not the marrying kind. I've never been married and I'm definitely not someone who pressures partners in relationships, the opposite in fact, often been way too easy-going. I don't feel there's anything in my words or actions which would make a guy think I was plotting to force him down the aisle, and he's said he wishes he met me 30 years ago, (dismissing both ex-wives and children with the swish of a couple of words), so I'm kinda a bit over hearing him say it. It's starting to feel a bit head-gamey. Anyone on here ever play this weird game, or have any theories about why someone would do this? Edited March 5, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
sothereiwas Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 In my opinion the only thing that marriage is really good for in general is raising a family. If that's not a goal I see no reason for it. Conversely, starting a family without being married seems like a bad idea. Probably just me. 5
Miss Spider Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) On topic, he’s probably just really not wanting to get married again after his experiences and it’s his way of letting you know so you’re ok with it in case things get serious down the road. Edited March 5, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 6 1
snowboy91 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 Some people can't really see themselves being romantically involved with only one person for the rest of their lives. I think he sees himself as that kind of person, hence his comments. However such guys often have a lot of pressure from their partners to marry, since women often see marriage as the "end goal" of a relationship, or, worse, some sort of milestone to achieve in life (regardless of whether the partner is actually the right person for them). He's been scarred by this a couple of times, so he keeps bringing it up, and ensuring you actually know where he thinks the relationship is heading. 3
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) This is a pretty big topic, and I don't think we have enough info to give any meaningful advice. Edited March 5, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
Watercolors Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 I would take his words at face value and believe him: he doesn't want to get married again. I agree that he's letting you down in a rather indirect way; he is not looking for something long-term that leads to marriage. If he were, he wouldn't have brought it that early on dating you. I'd chuck him in the "fun fling" category at this point. Whenever guys I've dated have said this statement to me, I immediately put the brakes on things, have an awkward conversation about expectations, then we usually break up. I mean, why would I invest my time dating a guy who doesn't want to marry me. Follow your gut. The gut never lies...except when gastritis hits. Then the gut is temporarily out of commission and can't be relied upon until its flora is functional again. 4 1
Miss Spider Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) I don’t know if he is letting her down. I actually don’t think he would even bring it up if he didn’t see something more long term with her. If a guy told me this, I would assume he at least saw us together a year or two or whenever the subject of marriage usually gets brought up. You can have an LTR or even a life partnership without marriage. However, I would believe him. If I thought there was even a possibility I wanted marriage down the road, it would make me reconsider. He’s most likely saying it now so he can say “I told you at the beginning...” Edited March 5, 2020 by Cookiesandough 4
Watercolors Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 Yeah, I have to disagree with you Cookies. As soon as a man says those words, he's literally taken himself off the marriage-cart. So, if Jayne wants to be married eventually to the right guy, I don't see him as someone who is willing to fill that role, especially since he's been previously married. Speaking of Ross Geller from Friends -- he's been married twice and felt forced into both of those marriages? I'd let this one go, but that's just me. If he were truly emotionally available, and open to the idea of marriage he wouldn't be so quick to poo-poo it to Jayne like his has. 1 2
Miss Spider Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 I agree with everything you said except emotionally available and closed off to the idea of marriage being mutually exclusive 1
Watercolors Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) Blame it on my age and cynicism. I've never met a man who was interested in a really long-term (3+ years) relationship after telling me he was not interested in ever being married. So, maybe it's just *me*. I hope that Jayne's boyfriend is different. I just don't trust men who immediately take the marriage option off the table. That's a huge red flag to me that he's not emotionally available for the long-haul. I know there are a ton of couples (celebrities) who have been together for decades and never married (Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, for instance). Jayne how long have you two been dating? What even brought up this topic with your boyfriend? Edited March 5, 2020 by Watercolors 1 1
RecentChange Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 2 minutes ago, Watercolors said: Blame it on my age and cynicism. I've never met a man who was interested in a really long-term (3+ years) relationship after telling me he was not interested in ever being married. So, maybe it's just *me*. I hope that Jayne's boyfriend is different. I just don't trust men who immediately take the marriage option off the table. That's a huge red flag to me that he's not emotionally available for the long-haul. I know there are a ton of couples (celebrities) who have been together for decades and never married (Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, for instance). Jayne how long have you two been dating? What even brought up this topic with your boyfriend? I do, and do not agree with you. This guy has already been married twice. Fool me once, fool me twice... I have always been skeptical of people who repeatedly vow "yes you forever till death do is part". Obviously they have poor judgement if they keep vowing the same to different people. When it comes to THIS situation, if the OP wants marriage someday - I agree, listen to what he is saying, he isn't doing that again (besides, third marriages have a dismal success rate). But some people, I would say especially younger people are skeptical on the whole marriage thing. For many years my husband and I weren't exactly "pro marriage" we felt it was just a piece of paper which we didn't need. It was assets, legalities, insurance etc that pushed us to become legally married after 14 years together. We could have possibly hired a lawyer to draft legal documents to give us similar rights, but in the end, it was just much easier to get legally married. At one point we had no interest in "being legally married" but that attitude, and consequent marriage really never changed anything about our relationship.
Author MsJayne Posted March 5, 2020 Author Posted March 5, 2020 2 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: I don’t know if he is letting her down. I actually don’t think he would even bring it up if he didn’t see something more long term with her. If a guy told me this, I would assume he at least saw us together a year or two or whenever the subject of marriage usually gets brought up. You can have an LTR or even a life partnership without marriage. However, I would believe him. If I thought there was even a possibility I wanted marriage down the road, it would make me reconsider. He’s most likely saying it now so he can say “I told you at the beginning...” Yes, he's said a couple of times he hopes we're still together at 90, so it's actually him who is seeing a future more than I am, (I'm a bit of a commitment-phobe and always have been), and that's why I can't understand why he keeps mentioning it. I did tell him once that I would never consider living defacto with someone ever again, which I thought might be the reason he thinks I'd expect to get married, but it's not, I wasn't even thinking about the future of our relationship, I just happened to mention that I'd had that experience a couple of times and just wouldn't do it again because I'd hate to have to murder some guy who thought he could take half my house if was stupid enough to let him move in. Maybe he's just misunderstood me. I might bring it up with him and just outright ask why he keeps saying it. 1
Author MsJayne Posted March 5, 2020 Author Posted March 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Watercolors said: Blame it on my age and cynicism. I've never met a man who was interested in a really long-term (3+ years) relationship after telling me he was not interested in ever being married. So, maybe it's just *me*. I hope that Jayne's boyfriend is different. I just don't trust men who immediately take the marriage option off the table. That's a huge red flag to me that he's not emotionally available for the long-haul. I know there are a ton of couples (celebrities) who have been together for decades and never married (Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell, for instance). Jayne how long have you two been dating? What even brought up this topic with your boyfriend? Only just coming up to 4 months, and that's why I find it odd that he's said it maybe 5 - 6 times, usually when a subject comes up that relates to couples somehow. 4 months is way too soon for me to even be sure I want to go long term, let alone thinking about the logistics of it all. But I kind of think the same way as you, re: taking options off the table when they're not even an option yet. Makes me think he's trying to give me a message. And yet he announced his "feelings" in no uncertain terms last weekend, which is when he said he wished he'd met me 30 years ago.
Miss Spider Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) Yes. I don’t want to marry and have told bfs this somewhat out of the blue when I thought the relationship was getting serious and forever talk occurred. This was just to get it out there do they knew the score. But I don’t really see why you need to repeat it 5 or 6 times if it never had been brought up. Maybe ibased on his bad experiences he has some anxiety around it and feels it bears repeating. Or it’s like he’s venting. Not sure. Kind of odd. Edited March 5, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Author MsJayne Posted March 5, 2020 Author Posted March 5, 2020 4 minutes ago, MsJayne said: Only just coming up to 4 months, and that's why I find it odd that he's said it maybe 5 - 6 times, usually when a subject comes up that relates to couples somehow. 4 months is way too soon for me to even be sure I want to go long term, let alone thinking about the logistics of it all. But I kind of think the same way as you, re: taking options off the table when they're not even an option yet. Makes me think he's trying to give me a message. And yet he announced his "feelings" in no uncertain terms last weekend, which is when he said he wished he'd met me 30 years ago. Also, he's mentioned several times that his last ex proposed to him and that one week after the wedding he knew he'd made a big mistake and he tried to cancel a purchase contract for a house they'd bought together, (yeah, I know, he's starting to sound flakey ), so I think it's in the back of my mind that he's made a stupid mistake and instead of owning his poor decision and weakness he's blaming all women and whoever he's involved with gets punished, so to speak. If that makes any sense. It's weird because I have no plans to get married to anyone, but it annoys me that, as watercolors says, he's taken the option off the table, or in other words, is dictating the terms of the relationship from the word go.
chillii Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 lt's not a head game he want;s you to be aware of it and believe it now encase down the road you started wanting marriage don't get involved with him now then, he's warned you. Personally l think it does pay for a guy to be loud and clear on that one because women do often take no notice thinking he'll just turn later on.
Andy_K Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) I agree with Cookies on this one. The reason to mention is is because he does want things to continue, he just doesn't want marriage to be a natural conclusion to that. There are many guys out there who would be happy in a serious LTR, but don't want to get married. I'm one of them! Edited March 5, 2020 by Andy_K 2 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 The next time he brings it up, I would simply ask him why he keeps repeating it. You can explain that you understand his reasoning (and agree with it, if you do) but are curious why he's mentioned it so much. Perhaps once he's understood that you have heard him and understand his message, he won't feel the need to keep saying it.
Redhead14 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) He's dated a few women who, inspite of the fact that he has been clear about not wanting marriage, think that he will change for them and change his mind. Women do this all-the-time. They string themselves along even though they know he doesn't want to get married and when he doesn't propose, they tell him he's a "sh*t". He keeps saying it because women are often slow on the uptake. Granted, if he knows that a woman wants to get married at some point, he should move on himself. If that conversation hasn't happened yet, he doesn't know either. OP, do you want to be married at some point in your life? Have you told him what you want for yourself? If you haven't had that conversation and he's just putting this out there, you should just pay attention to it and move on yourself. If he's content with the way things are between you now, why would he end it? He's fine with it . . . it's on you. Mac Davis put out a song, many years ago -- "Baby, Baby don't get hooked on me . . . " It's about a guy who has been dating a woman/women and he doesn't want to get married to anyone, but wants to date women so he gives them a caveat. If they stick around, they've been warned. It's on them. OR "I ain't here for a long time, I'm here for a good time". And, don't ask him why he keeps repeating it. Just show him that you understand and move on (assuming marriage is a goal for you). If it's not, them just tell him straight up that you are OK with the way things are and know it's not gonna last forever. Edited March 5, 2020 by Redhead14 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 6 hours ago, Andy_K said: I agree with Cookies on this one. The reason to mention is is because he does want things to continue, he just doesn't want marriage to be a natural conclusion to that. There are many guys out there who would be happy in a serious LTR, but don't want to get married. I'm one of them! Absolutely. I was a strong proponent of marriage as a necessary culmination of a relationship, but not into my 50s and having had and lost, raising two children on my own and loving it, and being independent, I would much rather have a LTR without the other stuff. 1
preraph Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 He just sounds like the sort who won't take responsibility. not that there's anything wrong with choosing not to get married, but as you point out he's been married twice and now he's trying to disavow responsibility for even doing that, so I would certainly not think he would be a good bargain. 1
Fletch Lives Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 What your saying is, he's flaky. Often that's a sign the person is on the rebound. How long was his last relationship or marriage, and how long was he single after? A person on the rebound is not ready for a relationship. Either that or he's just plain crazy.
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 "The lady doth protest too much methinks" Perhaps he does want to get married but he is not getting back much positive feedback from the OP, so he keeps bringing the subject back up... Maybe he wants the OP to try to persuade him into marriage by telling him how much she would want to marry him, fishing for an ego boost perhaps, but she is not playing ball. I am not the marrying kind... Fine by me Oh, OK then... 1
sothereiwas Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 7 minutes ago, elaine567 said: Perhaps he does want to get married but he is not getting back much positive feedback from the OP, so he keeps bringing the subject back up... Maybe he wants the OP to try to persuade him into marriage by telling him how much she would want to marry him, fishing for an ego boost perhaps, but she is not playing ball. I was thinking this, or maybe he feels really drawn to her and is reminding himself out loud as it were that he won't make the same mistake twice^W thrice. 1
Gaeta Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 9 hours ago, MsJayne said: he tried to cancel a purchase contract for a house they'd bought together To me that's an important detail. In my culture only 50% of couples marry the others will live their life together, buy a house, have children, without being married but with a good Will. So when I read your boyfriend never wanted and never wants to be married it didn't come across as a big deal BUT, this one bit here, not wanting to buy a house with his partner, indicates it's not the 'marriage paper' that bothers him, it's the long-term aspect and the commitment he doesn't want to get into. So he says he wants to be with you till you're old, lets say you don't marry, how will you get there? Will he want to buy a house with you? will he want children? will he agree for a notarized agreement between you to protect each other in case of death? if the answer is no…..then don't pursue. 1
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