Guess the first date didn't go as well as I thought?

[Emmafive]

I hate dating. Is he ghosting me after our first date?

I haven't been on a date in over a year and with my last ex there was only one date and we just started dating, so I have no clue what I'm doing haha.

So I had this date set up with this guy a few weeks ago for that evening. He texted me, but I was busy on another date actually so I didn't have a chance to respond back. Then he called me a few hours after the text. I finally got around to calling him back a few hours later. He called and said he had to cancel our date because he had an emergency at work (he owns his own business - you've probably used one of his products actually). That he wanted to call me instead of text because that was the proper thing to do and didn't want to seem like he was blowing me off because he was, "still very interested" in going out with me, and picked another day.

The day of the rescheduled date comes around. I'm on my way and I'm 30 minutes out and my car gives out. I send him the video of my car and he offered to come there to pick me up and help fix my car. I tell him I had a tow on the way so he didn't need to pick me up. Later he asked if I was okay and we exchanged a few texts and I eventually didn't respond. The next morning he asked how my car was and if was okay. I thought it was very sweet of him to be so concerned.

Finally, our date comes around. I was on my way and he sent me a text asking if I was still coming because he said given our track record haha. Again, I thought it was very sweet that he was concerned/worried I was going to bail on me. The date is going well (or so I thought) and I mention this spot in the city that everyone has tried but I haven't. He said yea we've got to go there some time-okay, a good sign? Then later during the date, he turns to me and says, "I enjoy spending time with you". I reciprocated. He found out that I ubered there so he offered me a ride home. I was coming off the curb and he reached out for my hand to help me - very much the gentleman. He drives me home, which was 30 minutes of out his way btw. He gets out of the car, comes to my side, says he wants to do this again and said maybe we can go to that restaurant you haven't tried yet. I said yea sure that would be cool. He comes in to hug me and gives me a peck on the temple. I text him thanks again for the ride home :). Then he eventually tells me he got home to which I replied I'm glad he made home safe and he said thank you. I didn't respond after that. 

He texted me two days later asking how my day was going. Let me preface this by saying we're both admittedly horrible texters. He even said he was glad that I told him I was terrible at texting. He responded back 4 hours later...then I responded 17 hours later saying "we're horrible at this haha" and asked what he was up to that weekend. He responded that he was going out of town for a conference. I didn't respond back. This was last Friday. I haven't heard from him since.

Being ghosted after the 1st date, huh?

[smackie9]

You should have responded with "OK, we shall make plans for another date when you get back, have a safe trip."

I have to say this, your communication is terrible for someone that is looking to connect with a potential BF. You need to put some effort into it or it makes you look disinterested no matter how many times you say you are a bad texter.

a few hours, that's acceptable....17 hours....that's a stretch.

IMO an interested man asks you out again....it's been days. I could be wrong, you may hear from him tomorrow but I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

 

Edited March 4, 2020 by smackie9

[Emmafive]

11 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You should have responded with "OK, we shall make plans for another date when you get back, have a safe trip."

I have to say this, your communication is terrible for someone that is looking to connect with a potential BF. You need to put some effort into it or it makes you look disinterested no matter how many times you say you are a bad texter.

a few hours, that's acceptable....17 hours....that's a stretch. 
 

IMO an interested man asks you out again....it's been days. I could be wrong, you may hear from him tomorrow but I wouldn't hold my breath.

yea, that’s what I believe too. Like I said, I don’t think the date went as well as I thought. He must have been kind of full of it when he said he enjoyed my company and wanted to see me again.

Edited March 4, 2020 by Emmafive

[d0nnivain]

You may still be able to salvage this if you want to.  Send him a text that says "how was your conference?"  See if that spurs him to action.  

[Leojax]

13 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

You should have responded with "OK, we shall make plans for another date when you get back, have a safe trip."

I have to say this, your communication is terrible for someone that is looking to connect with a potential BF. You need to put some effort into it or it makes you look disinterested no matter how many times you say you are a bad texter.

a few hours, that's acceptable....17 hours....that's a stretch.

IMO an interested man asks you out again....it's been days. I could be wrong, you may hear from him tomorrow but I wouldn't hold my breath.

 

 

Why would a man be made repeated attempts to show his interest-offering to come get her, saying multiple times how he likes her in but so many words, goes 30 minutes out of his way to drop her off, text her days later, to being met with eventually receiving a reply 17 hours later and then no response, only to go ask her out again?

 

this man own his own company. I don’t care how much I like you why would I go out my way to do go after someone who isn’t interested in me? So I don’t agree that an interested man would ask again. 

[Miss Spider]

Interest should be seen as more of a sliding scale rather than black/white. He’s obviously not interested enough to ask for a second date right now. Next.

[Backinthesaddleagain]

When people say "They suck at texting" it can mean several different things. They are shy, not looking for anything serious, not good at communicating, texting too many other people to care about you, on other dates, etc, or just plain old lazy. Sounds like you guys may be perfect for each other! Who knows, in a few years you might know enough about each other to become exclusive! 

Sorry for the sarcasm, but you are being flaky. It seemed fine to me until I read the 17 hour gap you left, and then followed up with the really dumb excuse "we are horrible at this". You are showing low interest. If this guy owns his business, and we have "probably used one of his products actually" nice subtle brag btw, then he most likely has plenty of options and isn't going to waste his valuable time on someone that doesn't match his interest level. 

[Leojax]

9 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Interest should be seen as more of a sliding scale rather than black/white. He’s obviously not interested enough to ask for a second date right now. Next.

That’s the thing, he did ask OP for a second date, even told her he enjoyed spending time with her before the date was out.

He realized OP wasn’t that into him after she took 17 hours to reply and didn’t respond.

Men shouldn’t have to do all of the initiating just because they’re men.

 

[Miss Spider]

1 minute ago, Leojax said:

That’s the thing, he did ask OP for a second date, even told her he enjoyed spending time with her before the date was out.

He realized OP wasn’t that into him after she took 17 hours to reply and didn’t respond.

Men shouldn’t have to do all of the initiating just because they’re men.

 

Where did she say he asked ? I didn’t see that. “Maybe we should do this again sometime” is not asking for a second date. He messaged her TWO days later just to make small talk. 
 

I agree that is a long time not to respond, but I probably wouldn’t have respondEd again ever because the guy doesn’t sound that  interested... 

[Leojax]

8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Where did she say he asked ? I didn’t see that. “Maybe we should do this again sometime” is not asking for a second date. He messaged her TWO days later just to make small talk. 
 

I agree that is a long time not to respond, but I probably wouldn’t have respondEd again ever because the guy doesn’t sound that  interested... 

“ and we can go to that restaurant you haven't tried yet” 

Did he put OP on the spot by locking in a day and time as she was getting out of the car? No, but you don’t do that because you don’t want to corner a woman and she only say yes to be polite. You seem to forget he owns his own company, 2 days is fine. 
 

If he wasn’t interested why even contact OP when he wasn’t even going to be in town? Why reiterate multiple times that he liked her? Why drive her home 30 minutes out of his way? Because he wanted to, that’s why. He was interested.

Edited March 4, 2020 by Leojax

[Miss Spider]

Right, but I don’t think it can accurately be called “asking for a date” until he does try to lock a day and a time. If he didn’t want to do it on the first date, that’s completely understandable. But he didn’t do it. 

 

Didn’t say he wasn’t interested. I said he was not very interested.  He did all that because most likely he’s keeping the option there, but is not interested enough to pursue it at the moment. 

[Johnjohnson2017]

Emma

When he texted you that he was going to a conference out of town, you should have responded "text me when you're back so we can get together again"

By you not texting back, you are the one who ghosted him. We always hear the advice not to double text. He didn't ghost you, he just didn't want to double text. 

Also as others have said, 17 hours to respond to a text shows disinterest. He is not new to dating I assume, so he has had similar experience as this one when eventually he got burned. He doesn't want to get burned again.

It's your turn to text him. Just a "contact me when you're back in town" should suffice.

[Leojax]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

Right, but I don’t think it can accurately be called “asking for a date” until he does try to lock a day and a time. If he didn’t want to do it on the first date, that’s completely understandable. But he didn’t do it. 

 

Didn’t say he wasn’t interested. I said he was not very interested.  He did all that because most likely he’s keeping the option there, but is not interested enough to pursue it at the moment. 

After she had to cancel the date and he was willing to go get her and checked on her the next sat after she eventually did respond, he was very interested. I’m not going to go help out a stranger unless I’m really interested. I’m also not going to drive her home unless I’m really interested. Also, won’t bother to communicate when I won’t be in town (why he didn’t lock down a time & realized OPs lack of interest) unless I’m very interested. 
 

 

[Miss Spider]

That’s you, though. I have messaged guys I wasn’t very interested in before plenty of times. I know I’m not the only person to do this. See not interested people text message people after a date(and more) on these boards all the time. 
 

The rest of what you mention here sounds like basic human decency or at least courteous behavior for someone you’re on a date with. Especially if you see it as something you might pursue later if you’ve run out of other options 

 

I see what you’re saying and appreciate your perspective. I just don’t agree. 
 

[Leojax]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

That’s you, though. I have messaged guys I wasn’t very interested in before plenty of times. I know I’m not the only person to do this. See not interested people text message people after a date(and more) on these boards all the time. 
 

The rest of what you mention here sounds like basic human decency or at least courteous behavior for someone you’re on a date with. Especially if you see it as something you might pursue later if you’ve run out of other options 

 

I see what you’re saying and appreciate your perspective. I just don’t agree. 
 

Yes, on its own this means nothing. Coupled with everything else it does speak to a high level of interest. As a man if we’re not interested, nice or not, I’m not making an hour round trip for someone I don’t like unless I’m trying to have sex.

 

[smackie9]

What I see was a guy fishing to see if she would show more interest. She didn't after taking 17 hours to respond.

Edited March 4, 2020 by smackie9

[Miss Spider]

might have been,, but that doesn’t mean he’s interested enough for second date. Also he had taken 2 days to message after the date. That is not standard in the 21st century for a man with high interest at all. 

Edited March 4, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Leojax]

6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

might have been,, but that doesn’t mean he’s interested enough for second date. Also he had taken 2 days to message after the date. That is not standard in the 21st century for a man with high interest at all. 

Uhhh...what? 
 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

52 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

might have been,, but that doesn’t mean he’s interested enough for second date. Also he had taken 2 days to message after the date. That is not standard in the 21st century for a man with high interest at all. 

I wouldn't take that long, but a lot of women on here seem to think that less than a couple days after the first date might be a little clingy or smothering. After being on this forum the last couple months, I am beginning to think there are no real set-in-stone standards anymore, and everyone is a little different. Sometimes you find someone that is your speed, and sometimes you don't. Things were much more "standardized" back in the 90's and early 00's, before the horrors of OLD. 

[Miss Spider]

12 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

I wouldn't take that long, but a lot of women on here seem to think that less than a couple days after the first date might be a little clingy or smothering. After being on this forum the last couple months, I am beginning to think there are no real set-in-stone standards anymore, and everyone is a little different. Sometimes you find someone that is your speed, and sometimes you don't. Things were much more "standardized" back in the 90's and early 00's, before the horrors of OLD. 

I agree that people  can act differently in different situations and often play games so it can be hard to tell their true intent, but there is a standard, and *highly* interest men who have already secured interest in a first date usually, as a standard, don’t wait as long as two days to keep it going. 
 

But again, this guy could have been an exception. I do not believe he is though. When I give  OP my insight, I take in account the whole picture and all the information that is given by the OP. This guy seems bold enough to suggest another possible  meeting on the first date. He got an affirmative response to that. I see no reason he’d suddenly become meeker/change it to and not want to show too much interest for 2 days after the positive interactions he had with OP. After that, this guy also knew OP was an admitted “bad texter”, so it wouldn’t make a lot of sense for him to become extremely discouraged by her long response time to his small talk. Maybe a little. Then again, I take forever to answer at times too, tell guys this, and never had it discourage anyone  That’s just my isolated experience though. I am taking into account the entire picture and seeing a courteous guy who is interested but that interest is lukewarm. 

 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

I agree that people  can act differently in different situations and often play games so it can be hard to tell their true intent, but there is a standard, and *highly* interest men who have already secured interest in a first date usually, as a standard, don’t wait as long as two days to keep it going. 
 

But again, this guy could have been an exception. I do not believe he is though. When I give  OP my insight, I take in account the whole picture and all the information that is given by the OP. This guy seems bold enough to suggest another possible  meeting on the first date. He got an affirmative response to that. I see no reason he’d suddenly become meeker/change it to and not want to show too much interest for 2 days after the positive interactions he had with OP. After that, this guy also knew OP was an admitted “bad texter”, so it wouldn’t make a lot of sense for him to become extremely discouraged by her long response time to his small talk. Maybe a little. Then again, I take forever to answer at times too, tell guys this, and never had it discourage anyone  That’s just my isolated experience though. I am taking into account the entire picture and seeing a courteous guy who is interested but that interest is lukewarm. 

 

Fair enough. I also always read through threads and take all the information into account before I give my thoughts, however. 

...And I've only been wrong once, but I was mistaken.  

[fly_five]

10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I agree that people  can act differently in different situations and often play games so it can be hard to tell their true intent, but there is a standard, and *highly* interest men who have already secured interest in a first date usually, as a standard, don’t wait as long as two days to keep it going. 
 

But again, this guy could have been an exception. I do not believe he is though. When I give  OP my insight, I take in account the whole picture and all the information that is given by the OP. This guy seems bold enough to suggest another possible  meeting on the first date. He got an affirmative response to that. I see no reason he’d suddenly become meeker/change it to and not want to show too much interest for 2 days after the positive interactions he had with OP. After that, this guy also knew OP was an admitted “bad texter”, so it wouldn’t make a lot of sense for him to become extremely discouraged by her long response time to his small talk. Maybe a little. Then again, I take forever to answer at times too, tell guys this, and never had it discourage anyone  That’s just my isolated experience though. I am taking into account the entire picture and seeing a courteous guy who is interested but that interest is lukewarm. 

 

I don’t know. Just because someone gives you a heads up that they’re a bad texter doesn’t mean you’ll be okay with it. If you’re interested in someone and then you kind of get the vibe that they’re not that interested in you, just for them to take 17 hours to respond could just further solidly one’s belief of a lack of interest. 
 

So why would he bring up enjoying spending time with her and mention wanting to see her again? Why not say anything? 

Edited March 4, 2020 by fly_five

[Juha]

Bad texter or not if I had high interest in a woman and she did not respond for 17 hours to a simple text I would not be wasting my time asking her out

as she is showing low interest

[hercules22]

17 hours is really bad shows very little interest on your part when you finally have the first date you would expect communication to pick up a little aswell it looks like you ghosted him for not replying after he said his got conference on the weekend. alot people hate double texting i am one of them i know you have received the message and would have read it the only time i would double text is if a week gone by and if still nothing i give up and move on from that point but i will refuse to send another text.

 

you could say anything i dont think all hope is lost need to maintain the interest otherwise people are going to lose interest

[Mrin]

OP: even if we had a great first date I would have nexted you as well based on how you conducted yourself. Life is too short.

You need to work on your courting skills.