italicdawg Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 On 3/4/2020 at 7:08 PM, Redhead14 said: Why did you stop seeing each other last year (and had you been intimate then)? Yeah we had been. And it just wasn't the right time, for either of us: we both weren't mature enough, and were experiencing our own difficult life things external to one another.
italicdawg Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 On 3/4/2020 at 6:34 PM, kendahke said: Ideas and practicum are two different things. Here's the thing: it can work when two people have already established a relationship in close proximity for some time and then one moves for a job, family considerations, military deployment... and initially it may work because of the perpetual honeymoon phase of not living in close proximity, but there's going to come a time when either of you aren't going to want to make that drive, or you figure out you're doing more of the driving to him and he's using his job as the reason why he can't come see you. Will you be good with the long waits between time to see each other? Because you will have to do that in order to make this work. At what point in time are either of you going to move to be with the other? That's going to have to happen eventually. You both have to be exceedingly self disciplined to go the entire distance. The odds are stacked against you if you start one of these out the gate with barely any in-person interactions having been established. Tread carefully and keep your expectations in check. Eh, possibly. However, I know of at least two couples who have begun long distance and DO make it work. His family home is near to me so he will always be in my general vicinity at least once every few weeks. I think the thing people are forgetting is that, in this setup, it's me and him vs. the obstacles. We communicate, and we will continue to do so. I know my worth: at any point does the communication become laborious, I will make that clear. We know the LDR isn't permanent: I'm planning to be there in a few months time. Btw, is 1.5 hours really a lot? I like in the UK and for me, with public transport, that's nothing.
Allupinnit Posted March 6, 2020 Posted March 6, 2020 I think you're feeling insecure because deep down you know that whatever kept you apart a few short months ago likely hasn't resolved itself. When men tell you they're going to be "busy" (I hate that word we're ALL BUSY) they are trying to manage down your expectations as far as how connected to you he'll be. 1 2
kendahke Posted March 7, 2020 Posted March 7, 2020 On 3/6/2020 at 8:37 AM, italicdawg said: I know of at least two couples who have begun long distance and DO make it work. Understand that you and he aren't these two couples. You both have different motivations for how you proceed in your respective relationships. Millions of others who try LDR out the gate don't make it work, so the odds really aren't in your favor here. On 3/6/2020 at 8:37 AM, italicdawg said: he will always be in my general vicinity at least once every few weeks Like I said, you both have to have rock solid self discipline to make this work out the gate. Quote Btw, is 1.5 hours really a lot? If you're the one doing all of the traveling, yes. I lived 40 miles from my job for 6 months last year. It took me 1 1/4 hours to make that trip by train (if I hopped on the hyper-expensive Acela, I could make it in 30 minutes, but that was +$100 one way) and after 2 months, I hated taking the train into work. It was unreasonably expensive. Driving was out of the question. I was able to move back to the area where I was previously living and I don't have to take the train. On 3/6/2020 at 8:37 AM, italicdawg said: I like in the UK and for me, with public transport, that's nothing Right now, it's nothing... but as time goes on and the 'on their best behavior representatives' have been dismissed and the real him and the real you both get used to one another, it may turn into an issue if things aren't equitable and you're the one doing all the traveling. He is already super busy from what you've written. Is he going to ignore his business/work to spend more time with you? Are you going to be good seeing him once every 3 -6 weeks? How many times is he going to make that trip for you or are you going to be the one expected to fork over the fare to hop on the bus/train to go see him? Quote He's a workaholic and works long/late hours. His line of work means he's often on call/working even remotely I'm not spitting on your situation--I'm just asking do you have the patience to wait on him to not be busy when things seem stagnant as far as the growth of this relationship? You're going to need heaps of it to get you through the texting desert until he's not consumed with this business/job of his. If deep down you really thought this would work, even with the drop off of texting due to his job, you wouldn't have concerns to the point where you brought it to a public message board. You'd be trusting the process and trusting that he's not blowing smoke up your skirt. 1
Watercolors Posted March 7, 2020 Posted March 7, 2020 I see lots of red flags with your situation, OP. You two tried to date last year and it didn't work out. Not because you're too young or too busy, but the truth is, you are probably not compatible with each other and neither of you is willing to address what makes you incompatible with each other. Truly, if you were compatible, nothing would interfere with you two being in an exclusive long-distance relationship. I'm sorry, but I don't think this is worth your time and energy to pursue. I think you should cut your losses with him, and try to date closer to home, someone who is more compatible with you. 2
Miss Spider Posted March 7, 2020 Posted March 7, 2020 Agree... long distance only really works if interest is high and both are very committed to making it work... this is not that
simpycurious Posted March 8, 2020 Posted March 8, 2020 3 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Agree... long distance only really works if interest is high and both are very committed to making it work... this is not that It CAN WORK but takes EFFORT and this effort has to come from both sides. Always remember where there is a WILL there usually is a WAY. 1
kendahke Posted March 8, 2020 Posted March 8, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, simpycurious said: t CAN WORK but takes EFFORT and this effort has to come from both sides. Always remember where there is a WILL there Sure, if the relationship has been established first in person and they've both had the time to suss each other out, but odds are greater that this isn't going to work because the truth is: they really don't know each other at all. A couple of dates and one evening in the sack isn't enough. Edited March 8, 2020 by kendahke 1
contel3 Posted March 8, 2020 Posted March 8, 2020 On 3/4/2020 at 4:30 PM, italicdawg said: Oh, and to add to this: we follow each other on IG and he's barely been on today. Only very sporadically and since hasn't been on for 3 hours now This is kind of a red flag for me....I'm not saying he's doing anything wrong, but the fact you've been checking his IG and know he hasn't been on for three hours tells me you're not comfortable with the level of contact. If you were you wouldn't be thinking twice about it. If its making you insecure and you need more contact thats perfectly fine. I think its unfair how people are labelled as needy just because they need daily contact. I would hate having a partner who talked to me only every once in a while. 20 hours ago, kendahke said: If you're the one doing all of the traveling, yes. I agree with kehdake. It gets tiring. It's a lot of time and money. If he's not going to put in a lot of effort also, it's a matter of time until you feel taken advantage of. 1 2
italicdawg Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 Just so everyone knows I saw him this weekend just gone. Also, we've rotated who came to who, so it's not like one of us is putting more effort in there.
girlinNYC Posted March 10, 2020 Posted March 10, 2020 No red flags in my eyes. It's good he has a career he clearly loves and a strong work ethic. The fact he's still including you in his life despite being a workaholic is definitely a good sign. Thinking of you texts are always nice to receive irrespective of who sends it. As long as you don't go overboard and send multiple a day if you don't get a reply straight away. Send the one, wait for a reply until you send another message. Biggest relationship killer before they begin is obsessive behaviour. Keep that in check and you'll be a-ok.
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