italicdawg Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Hey all, I'm early 20s F dating a mid-20s M. We've seen each other twice (but actually dated last year briefly and reconnected this year so we know each other already). Last time I saw him was this weekend for about 2 days. He went back to work on Monday and the texting has dropped off a bit since then. Important points to note: He's a workaholic and works long/late hours. His line of work means he's often on call/working even remotely He didn't work at all this weekend because I was there We both acknowledged we're not dating others, or sleeping with others, nor looking to. We are both on dating apps still (where we met) but we've both agreed it's not that deep. So not exclusive yet, but we have acknowledged we want something serious from this He told me yesterday that he was in for a few more days of long, busy work days. He is coming to see me this weekend so it is possible he wants to get all his productive stuff out the way till then Is this all okay to you guys? Also, would it be weird to just send a quick text today like "thinking about you, hit me up later if you're free!" or something like that?
Blind-Sided Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 if he's a workaholic... and you can verify that... then yes... it's ok that he doesn't contact you all the time. When I travel... I may not be able to get to my phone to talk about personal stuff, and the people who know me, know that I'm better with a txt, as I can respond when I get time. With that said... if I see a txt come in early in the day... and I forget about it... I may not respond until late in the day. So... don't get mad if it take awhile for him to respond. And finally... yes... a simple txt will probably be appreciated. I know since my wife walked out, its been rough some days. but when some of my female friends send me a little txt saying... "Hope you day is going well"... it's very uplifting knowing that there is someone there, and thinking of me.
italicdawg Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 4 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: if he's a workaholic... and you can verify that... then yes... it's ok that he doesn't contact you all the time. When I travel... I may not be able to get to my phone to talk about personal stuff, and the people who know me, know that I'm better with a txt, as I can respond when I get time. With that said... if I see a txt come in early in the day... and I forget about it... I may not respond until late in the day. So... don't get mad if it take awhile for him to respond. And finally... yes... a simple txt will probably be appreciated. I know since my wife walked out, its been rough some days. but when some of my female friends send me a little txt saying... "Hope you day is going well"... it's very uplifting knowing that there is someone there, and thinking of me. Aw, thank you for your response. Sorry to hear about your wife, I hope you're doing okay. Yes he definitely is a workaholic. His work is very hands on and he hasn't just gone AWOL, but has let me know he will be busy. He also has ADHD which doesn't help the 'forgetting to reply' aspect haha
Gaeta Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 I think everything is alright. You just need to take this day by day. Keep busy with things you enjoy and first thing you'll know the weekend will be here. Sure you can send him a text mid week but I wouldn't text him every day as you both agreed this is not serious yet and he needs to know he can count on you being a confident woman enough to not panic because communication slows down at times.
Blind-Sided Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, italicdawg said: Aw, thank you for your response. Sorry to hear about your wife, I hope you're doing okay. ....... I'm good... thanks for asking. It's been over a year since my ordeal started... and it's all over and official since the end of last summer. To add to this... there is a new girl who messaged me while I was on my last work trip. I had to explain that I wouldn't be responding instantly, and not to take that to heart. She really put a smile on my face every time she would send a txt or snapchat. (even when I just saw the notification in my watch) She's really a great girl... but I'm 47, and she's 27... so it's a little strange, and I would just like to keep her as a friend. Hope that sheds some light on the "Guys side" of this. Edited March 4, 2020 by Blind-Sided
SumGuy Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) 40 minutes ago, italicdawg said: Hey all, I'm early 20s F dating a mid-20s M. We've seen each other twice (but actually dated last year briefly and reconnected this year so we know each other already). Last time I saw him was this weekend for about 2 days. He went back to work on Monday and the texting has dropped off a bit since then. Important points to note: He's a workaholic and works long/late hours. His line of work means he's often on call/working even remotely He didn't work at all this weekend because I was there We both acknowledged we're not dating others, or sleeping with others, nor looking to. We are both on dating apps still (where we met) but we've both agreed it's not that deep. So not exclusive yet, but we have acknowledged we want something serious from this He told me yesterday that he was in for a few more days of long, busy work days. He is coming to see me this weekend so it is possible he wants to get all his productive stuff out the way till then Is this all okay to you guys? Also, would it be weird to just send a quick text today like "thinking about you, hit me up later if you're free!" or something like that? It seems OK to me. Hopefully he has a little time to text, but also depends on how much he likes or dislikes texting. I can say I have a grueling job at times, work emergencies mean could be literally working 20 hours straight trying to get done in 20 hours what should done in 40. Even in less grueling environments one can get so fatigued that sending a text becomes a barrier. I'm older though, have had girlfriends and even myself where no news is good news especially if we have plans to get together. Of course we grew up in a time with no cell phones; people made plans in person and you just trusted they would happen with nary a confirmation phone call or text...for some reason life and relationships worked fine. However, if your communication style and love language really likes texts...you can let him know and you to can just reach out with a know your busy but thinking of you. So yes I think reaching out to him is good. Agreed that when I've been in super work mode such texts brighten my day. Edited March 4, 2020 by SumGuy
smackie9 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Go out drinkin and dancing with your gfs and learn to enjoy the time apart from each other. 2
italicdawg Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 4 minutes ago, SumGuy said: It seems OK to me. Hopefully he has a little time to text, but also depends on how much he likes or dislikes texting. I can say I have a grueling job at times, work emergencies mean could be literally working 20 hours straight trying to get done in 20 hours what should done in 40. Even in less grueling environments one can get so fatigued that sending a text becomes a barrier. I'm older though, have had girlfriends and even myself where no news is good news especially if we have plans to get together. Of course we grew up in a time with no cell phones; people made plans in person and you just trusted they would happen with nary a confirmation phone call or text...for some reason life and relationships worked fine. However, if your communication style and love language really likes texts...you can let him know and you to can just reach out with a know your busy but thinking of you. So yes I think reaching out to him is good. Agreed that when I've been in super work mode such texts brighten my day. Okay thanks! We have talked here and there btw, last time I heard from him was last night (now tomorrow afternoon) but that was when he said he'd be busy. So I said no worries! I'll let you get on and won't pester you. Basically just wanted to show I was capable of giving him space
italicdawg Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Oh, and to add to this: we follow each other on IG and he's barely been on today. Only very sporadically and since hasn't been on for 3 hours now
Lotsgoingon Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) I don't see a problem, as in ... he's secretly scamming you. But the bigger question is, do you want to date a workaholic? Are you comfortable with scheduling meetings around HIS schedule? You don't have to decide that now, but be careful about working hard (emotionally working hard) to be patient at this stage of things. Working hard around someone else's schedule ... gets old really fast ... very easy to lose sight of your own desires and priorities. And keep some issues separate. Him being busy is one thing ... him not being in contact (if you want more constant contact) is another. And keerep this in a "fit" framework. The question isn't whether he's good/bad ... likes or not likes you ... Yeah all that is important, but more important ... do you and this guy (and your lifestyles) fit well together. You can answer "no" to this question without criticizing him. Some people get hung up on judging others and back off of what they're really feeling. Bottom line: the fact that you are asking this question means you're probably working a little harder than what feels normal or comfortable. Just keep and eye on that feeling. Do not suppress or ignore that feeling. Edited March 4, 2020 by Lotsgoingon 1
italicdawg Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: I don't see a problem, as in ... he's secretly scamming you. But the bigger question is, do you want to date a workaholic? Are you comfortable with scheduling meetings around HIS schedule? You don't have to decide that now, but be careful about working hard (emotionally working hard) to be patient at this stage of things. Working hard around someone else's schedule ... gets old really fast ... very easy to lose sight of your own desires and priorities. And keep some issues separate. Him being busy is one thing ... him not being in contact (if you want more constant contact) is another. " That's something I will need to communicate with him as we get further along. Honestly, it doesn't bother me: so long as he gives me a heads up as to when he's busy and we still see each other fairly regularly, I'm easy. I have my own independent life too, and that's something we both value in the other. Edited March 4, 2020 by italicdawg
Fletch Lives Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 2 hours ago, italicdawg said: We've seen each other twice (but actually dated last year briefly and reconnected this year so we know each other already). - I hate to bring this up, but if it did not work out then, chances are, it won't work now. Unlike what you see in the fantasy world of movies and TV, you get one chance per person. 1
italicdawg Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 2 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: - I hate to bring this up, but if it did not work out then, chances are, it won't work now. Unlike what you see in the fantasy world of movies and TV, you get one chance per person. To be fair, the reasons why it did not work out then, do not exist now. We both were not in the right places to be dating: since then, our communication has gotten much better, we'refar more honest and open with each other etc, and we have both explicitly stated what we are after
d0nnivain Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 3 hours ago, italicdawg said: Is this all okay to you guys? Also, would it be weird to just send a quick text today like "thinking about you, hit me up later if you're free!" or something like that? It's just fine. In fact this used to be the way people communicated early on in dating. You contacted each other during free time. You were never connected 24/7. Sending a quick note is fine. Understand workaholics work because they LIKE work. they don't want to be distracted by external forces including their hot new romance. As long as he's being honest about the other stuff -- liking you & not multi-dating -- it all sounds good to me. Actually it sounds better then trying to keep up some exhausting pace of proving attraction by being constantly on top of each other electronically.
italicdawg Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It's just fine. In fact this used to be the way people communicated early on in dating. You contacted each other during free time. You were never connected 24/7. Sending a quick note is fine. Understand workaholics work because they LIKE work. they don't want to be distracted by external forces including their hot new romance. As long as he's being honest about the other stuff -- liking you & not multi-dating -- it all sounds good to me. Actually it sounds better then trying to keep up some exhausting pace of proving attraction by being constantly on top of each other electronically. I do trust him. I've of the belief that until he gives me a reason to not trust him, I will continue to. Yeah he definitely loves his work! And tbh, the last couple of days even though he's busy, he has replied to me eventually if I send questions! And the only time he actually sent me messages off his own back were at like, 11pm when he finally got home from work. To put it into perspective, he works in the music industry, so it's his whole life. I really don't even think he'd have the time to multidate, even if he wanted to haha. Plus, my thinking was: we have plans to see each other this weekend. It's not as if I'm waiting around for another date to be set up.
kendahke Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 In your ideal relationship, now much texting, communication and in person interaction do you require and has this guy so far shown an interest in meeting those expectations?
italicdawg Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 2 minutes ago, kendahke said: In your ideal relationship, now much texting, communication and in person interaction do you require and has this guy so far shown an interest in meeting those expectations? In person I'm fine with once a week/fortnight. We currently live like 1.5 hours from one another but are of the same idea that 'long' distance can work. Communication is key to us. So far,yes he has totally met those expectations. Texting: we both agreed we don't need all day every day. But we do both like checking in! And both agreed that if someone is gonna be busy, to say so, which he has
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 He is clearly not meeting your expectations otherwise you would not be concerned and post. You are NOT exclusive. He DOES get online. But he does not communicate with you. You can text him and see if he responds. If he has time to get online social media, however brief, is also time he could quickly text you. In the end, you have a date coming up and it appears he pre-empted you by telling you ahead of time that he will be very busy. So...just wait for the date. 2 2
kendahke Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 6 minutes ago, italicdawg said: We currently live like 1.5 hours from one another but are of the same idea that 'long' distance can work. Ideas and practicum are two different things. Here's the thing: it can work when two people have already established a relationship in close proximity for some time and then one moves for a job, family considerations, military deployment... and initially it may work because of the perpetual honeymoon phase of not living in close proximity, but there's going to come a time when either of you aren't going to want to make that drive, or you figure out you're doing more of the driving to him and he's using his job as the reason why he can't come see you. Will you be good with the long waits between time to see each other? Because you will have to do that in order to make this work. At what point in time are either of you going to move to be with the other? That's going to have to happen eventually. You both have to be exceedingly self disciplined to go the entire distance. The odds are stacked against you if you start one of these out the gate with barely any in-person interactions having been established. Tread carefully and keep your expectations in check.
Redhead14 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 3 hours ago, italicdawg said: Hey all, I'm early 20s F dating a mid-20s M. We've seen each other twice (but actually dated last year briefly and reconnected this year so we know each other already). Last time I saw him was this weekend for about 2 days. He went back to work on Monday and the texting has dropped off a bit since then. Important points to note: He's a workaholic and works long/late hours. His line of work means he's often on call/working even remotely He didn't work at all this weekend because I was there We both acknowledged we're not dating others, or sleeping with others, nor looking to. We are both on dating apps still (where we met) but we've both agreed it's not that deep. So not exclusive yet, but we have acknowledged we want something serious from this He told me yesterday that he was in for a few more days of long, busy work days. He is coming to see me this weekend so it is possible he wants to get all his productive stuff out the way till then Is this all okay to you guys? Also, would it be weird to just send a quick text today like "thinking about you, hit me up later if you're free!" or something like that? Sit back and observe. You've only met him twice. Let him demonstrate his level of interest and temper your expectations based on what you know -- he's busy. You already have plans with him for the weekend. Let him confirm when it gets a little closer. I wouldn't text anything to him. He's told you he's busy. Let's see if he "squeezes" a little texting in during this busy period. That would be nice to see without wondering if he would have reached out without you texting first. Let him lead. For a bit longer. Then you can start initiating more.
Miss Spider Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) Inconsistent behavior makes you question things. Guys who want something serious as he claims and like the girl make efforts to communicate even if they are busy with work. If he can take a whole weekend off to hang with a girl, he can take a min or two when he’s eating or on the toilet to text her. Also, if you’re not looking to date or sleep with others why are you both on dating apps still and why wouldn’t you become exclusive. You dated last year so you should know if that’s really what you want. Edited March 4, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
Redhead14 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 4 hours ago, italicdawg said: Hey all, (but actually dated last year briefly and reconnected this year so we know each other already). Why did you stop seeing each other last year (and had you been intimate then)?
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 The person would have to be pretty amazing to live 1.5 hours away. And also, I believe in second chances, but that throws another caution flag. You guys are really young, and honestly I can't see this working out. I would continue to keep my options open, especially to guys who live closer to you!!! On another note, I constantly see these "I am really busy" excuses. I'll say it again, if you are into someone, you find the time. I am a really busy guy with a full time professional career, a teenage son, a dog, a new place to fix up, hobbies, activities, friends, family, and dating. When I find someone I really like, I magically find the time to text them and let them know I am interested however brief the texts may be. I mean seriously, that excuse if so f***ing LAME and I am tired of hearing it from men AND women. Sorry for the rant. But I wouldn't put any serious emotions into this, good luck italicdawg! 5
greymatter Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, italicdawg said: Okay thanks! We have talked here and there btw, last time I heard from him was last night (now tomorrow afternoon) but that was when he said he'd be busy. So I said no worries! I'll let you get on and won't pester you. Basically just wanted to show I was capable of giving him space You don't need to show him that you are capable of giving him space. You need to actually be okay with the level of contact and it's clear that you aren't. Also, stop stalking him on Instagram and seeing when he has been online. Having your own interests and life, with no need to check on him, would be indicative of a person who is not needing constant reassurance and contact. That is not where you are right now. Edited March 5, 2020 by greymatter 3 1
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