Miss Spider Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Wow he didn’t try to kiss you or any physical escalation for 11 dates and you stuck around?! You are way more patient than I ever could be. Maybe some people from the “Why don’t men try to win your heart first?” thread could benefit from reading this one. Huge red flag, girl 1
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said: Wow he didn’t try to kiss you or any physical escalation for 11 dates and you stuck around?! You are way more patient than I ever could be. Maybe some people from the “Why don’t men try to win your heart first?” thread could benefit from reading this one. Huge red flag, girl We did kiss but that was all. One night we were watching a movie and I took his hand and put it on my boob just to play and he just sat there without doing anything. Anyway I guess we really were not a good match after all. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 It sounds like the sexual chemistry just wasn't there for him. I am curious, though, what did you write in the multiple texts before he ended it?
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: It sounds like the sexual chemistry just wasn't there for him. I am curious, though, what did you write in the multiple texts before he ended it? We had been talking everyday multiple times in a day from good morning to goodnight kiss emoji. So it was not anything weird or out of ordinary. But prior to Saturday he would reply playful with lots of heart emojis, smiley faces etc. only on Monday he kept replying but in short sentences and without emojis. And did not initiate anything. Again prior to that I would receive dozens of texts from him.
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Barbiebernie said: From this experience I get if a guy does not want to have sex with you for 11 dates or does not even try to make out with for the whole time there is no sexual connection. My problem with this is it was him wanted to wait and take it slow. This just keeps getting more and more weird. So it was him that wanted to wait? And there was no kissing for 11 dates?? This guy sounds seriously crazy, and now I am also questioning your decision making skills. You should have seen all these red flags before 11 dates had gone by. Live and learn, and move on. 1
simpycurious Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 11 dates is a LONG TIME. I agree that this seems WEIRD. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Barbiebernie said: We did kiss but that was all. One night we were watching a movie and I took his hand and put it on my boob just to play and he just sat there without doing anything. Anyway I guess we really were not a good match after all. He sounds legit weird. Feel fortunate it’s over and he’s not wearing your skin 3
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 5, 2020 Author Posted March 5, 2020 4 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: This just keeps getting more and more weird. So it was him that wanted to wait? And there was no kissing for 11 dates?? This guy sounds seriously crazy, and now I am also questioning your decision making skills. You should have seen all these red flags before 11 dates had gone by. Live and learn, and move on. Yes, I invited him to my house halfway through ( I think it was 5th date) and he asked me if I would be ok to take things slowly and asked me to let him know if it starts bothering me. Again on Saturday it was me inviting him. We had multiple dinner dates and started to take dance classes together. Got a nice valentines day plant with a nice card written by him wishing many more dates and dances. So I had all the rights to believe this was turning in to a relationship. We did kiss many times but nothing more. Have not touched any body parts or kissed from anywhere else. We did hug each other and hold hands but nothing sexually more affectionally.
simpycurious Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: He sounds legit weird. Feel fortunate it’s over and he’s not wearing your skin Maybe, he has intimacy issues of some sort? Edited March 5, 2020 by simpycurious 1 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 Well, at 38 you should know better. But sometimes our judgement is clouded by other factors which is understandable. But for future reference, if the guy isn't actively trying to sleep with you within a few dates, he is probably a serial killer as Cookie has mentioned. Move on, you'll find someone! 1 1
Saracena Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 1 hour ago, Barbiebernie said: We did kiss many times but nothing more. Have not touched any body parts or kissed from anywhere else. We did hug each other and hold hands but nothing sexually more affectionally. So how did things escalate to the point of having sex on Saturday night then? Did you initiate?
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 5, 2020 Author Posted March 5, 2020 7 minutes ago, Saracena said: So how did things escalate to the point of having sex on Saturday night then? Did you initiate? Yes, I invited him over for Saturday and asked him to stay. And at that point I guess he knew what was coming. We kissed and he asked to go to bedroom. Honestly the more I think about this the more I accept there was either zero sexual feeling and/or a problem with him. On our first date I remember him telling me he is not going to make out with me in the parking lot as he needs to know the person to make out. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 8 hours ago, Barbiebernie said: We had been talking everyday multiple times in a day from good morning to goodnight kiss emoji. So it was not anything weird or out of ordinary. But prior to Saturday he would reply playful with lots of heart emojis, smiley faces etc. only on Monday he kept replying but in short sentences and without emojis. And did not initiate anything. Again prior to that I would receive dozens of texts from him. That doesn't really answer my question, though. What did you write to him on Monday?
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 6 hours ago, Barbiebernie said: On our first date I remember him telling me he is not going to make out with me in the parking lot as he needs to know the person to make out. This guy is actually single, right?
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 5, 2020 Author Posted March 5, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: That doesn't really answer my question, though. What did you write to him on Monday? How so? On Monday morning he sent me good morning hope you have a great week text! And I wrote good morning and how my morning was going. Added March has not been very good for me but said will stay positive and hoping rest of the March will be better. he said he hopes so, too! later in the afternoon I asked if he decided to go to SXSW because of corona. He said not yet he will decide next week. I sent a picture of the petition and told I was worried about my upcoming (jun) overseas trip and he said I would know by then. Later in the evening I took a picture of the bleach shelf in target (empty) and sent to him he said wow, are people taking bleach showers? I was there to get cat food so I wrote him that. At night asked him if he was watching anything fun? Replied saying another episode of the show we watched together. And I sent good night text that he did not reply for the first time. On Tuesday I sent the good morning but he seemed even more quiet and not willing to initiate. Later in the afternoon asked him if everything was alright, he said he was really busy and frustrated with work. Which was understandable but very unusual for him. I sent that I wish he was here or I was there to cuddle him. That I received His dogs picture saying his dog is the cuddle monkey tonight. At that point I know something was off! He would normally reply he wishes that too, or how nice it would be etc etc. Tome basically he was saying he would prefer cuddling his dog. Which turned out I was right. Yes he is single!
ExpatInItaly Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 I was trying to determine if something you wrote to him might have put him off. It appears that's not the case, though. Sorry, girl. I know it sucks but he just isn't feeling it physically.
elaine567 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 14 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: I don't think guys just looking for sex would invest the $$$, 11 dates, and a couple months time to get laid They do if they have no other options... AND the OP was paying for half the dates. Sounds like this guy had a hang up over sex anyway so probably for the best that he ended it. 8 weeks of dating is too short a time to then be expected to commit to fixing his sexual problems. The OP is only 38 she needs a virile man who has no sexual issues so she can just relax and have fun. My guess he probably spent 8 weeks worrying about the sex and when it happened he couldn't really perform well so he retreated back into his cosy safe space and cuddled his dog. The 5 years of no sex with the ex probably didn't help anything either...
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 17 hours ago, Barbiebernie said: Honestly if he came Saturday and told me he did not have the spark to have sex I would respect him. Sex was not the best for me also and putting in a respectful way it was short and not satisfying. I was looking from a different perspective believing that it could get better as we had the connection. Obviously I was in a situation that I was convinced that we had something important and in reality we did not. He just wanted to get sex before he exits which unfortunately very s***ty personality to me. edited to add: I paid for half of our dates. So he was not the only one who was spending (or wasting ) $$$. His behavior indicates he has a character flaw. Men like this often try to come back later on down the line, full of sob stories and excuses, so be prepared.
smackie9 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 For me if a guy wants to take things slow and barley wants to touch me he's out the door. There's something obviously wrong with him mentally and sexually. Was he ever married before? There are a rare few that are still virgins in their late 30's early 40's. I watched a documentary about this, and surprisingly, some couldn't even bring themselves to have sex because they were so scared.
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 5, 2020 Author Posted March 5, 2020 19 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: His behavior indicates he has a character flaw. Men like this often try to come back later on down the line, full of sob stories and excuses, so be prepared. Well for me when it is over it is over. I blocked him on my phone and deleted his number. Deleted from the social media and blocked him so unless he comes to my home there is no way to contact me. 1
preraph Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 It's a peculiarity of men that they usually want to sample the sex and not just walk away, regardless of their interest in a woman. I would not make any negative assumptions about your own performance, especially given that he was mediocre at best anyway. They just can't walk away from an opportunity, which is how they end up reluctant baby daddies, some of them. 1
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 5, 2020 Author Posted March 5, 2020 21 minutes ago, smackie9 said: For me if a guy wants to take things slow and barley wants to touch me he's out the door. There's something obviously wrong with him mentally and sexually. Was he ever married before? There are a rare few that are still virgins in their late 30's early 40's. I watched a documentary about this, and surprisingly, some couldn't even bring themselves to have sex because they were so scared. See I was not used to this behavior. I am used to men trying to sleep in the parking lot lol. I took it very kind and genuine. But my hormones were not happy seeing a guy for 10 something dates without a proper make out and sex and he still did not invite me over his place. So I decided to take the lead. And we are here.
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 5, 2020 Author Posted March 5, 2020 6 minutes ago, preraph said: It's a peculiarity of men that they usually want to sample the sex and not just walk away, regardless of their interest in a woman. I would not make any negative assumptions about your own performance, especially given that he was mediocre at best anyway. They just can't walk away from an opportunity, which is how they end up reluctant baby daddies, some of them. Nobody is perfect but I had 7 year of marriage and had many sex after my divorce. So I know it was not me. I am not blaming him as well. Maybe he really had zero sexual interest in me but then again he should have express that before coming to my home on Saturday. That makes me mad! 1
smackie9 Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 (edited) Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated, and this includes the level of pace, and fulfilling your expectations. This is about YOU, and how you expect things to go. He only met one part of your expectation, the rest was controlled by him. So whether a guy jumps you on the first day or tell you to hold off for 10+ days...none of those are right. And yes you should be mad at him. Most know after a few dates whether this is going to work or not. You found this all weird...ya it is! Edited March 5, 2020 by smackie9
scooby-philly Posted March 5, 2020 Posted March 5, 2020 On 3/4/2020 at 11:44 AM, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Is he your boyfriend? If you are intimate with a man without a commitment first, then you have to assume you may never hear from him again afterward. My guess is that he got what he wanted. Even if he needed time to process his feelings after being intimate (which is just a cheap excuse for poor treatment), a mature man would consider your feelings and not make such a drastic change in behavior. You need to immediately stop all contact, date others and if he comes around you can decide then if he's worth reconnecting with. That's not true at all. Men process emotions, typically, slower than women. Yes, typically things do work out if there's physical intimacy on the first date - but not always - but slow burners, as others have said - can create a problem too as he gets to like her and then the sex is terrible. Especially if he's sensual and physical, which everyone is not. You can't help a change in behavior if your feelings are strong. Meaning, if he was really liking her and then the sex was awful, then he may need a few days to process things. Again, this is not meant to address any situation where he was simply looking to get laid and then leave, etc., this is about (and if) this is a normal situation. Plus, we are only hearing her side of the story. She could the type of person that's more reserved for a long period of time and then boom - they have sex and all of a sudden the flood gates open. We just need more info first.
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