Barbiebernie Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) I have been dating this guy since late January and we had approximately 11 dates. He spent the night Saturday with me for the first time and we had sex first time. We had a discussion previously taking things slow. For some reason I had a feeling since yesterday that he is colder than he usually is. We always send a goodnight text before we sleep (literally every night). I did not receive it yesterday and started to feel anxiety. Yesterday I sent multiple texts and he replied short but did not initiate any conversation. Later in the evening I sent a text and said I wish he was here or I was there it would be nice to cuddle him now. He sent me a picture of his dog saying his dog is the cuddle monkey tonight with the emoji of . Is he trying to be cute? I do not understand. Is it me or something is off here. Edited March 4, 2020 by Barbiebernie Update
skywriter Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 I'm not inclined to make assumptions about folks I don't know. Based on what you've shared though, I'd pull back and let him make some efforts to convince me otherwise. I wouldn't be the one to initiate any conversation. I also understand that many men are not keen on texting and take that into consideration. The reply of his dog is his cuddle monkey said to me, he doesn't have you so his dogs gonna have to do and he sent you love and a kiss goodnight. That was trying to convey affections towards you. Nothing off there. 5 1
Happy Lemming Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) 26 minutes ago, Barbiebernie said: I wish he was here... ...or something is off here. Just my opinion here, but if a woman had sent me a text stating that she wishes I was there, next to her; I'd be "red-lining" my sportbike to get there. (And have done so in the past) Is there a reason as to why he couldn't come over when you invited him?? As far as daily communication, I've been dating my long term girlfriend for 8+ years and we send at least one or two e-mails daily to one another. (E-mail is our preferred method of communication) Yes... I do think something is a little off here. ETA: Here is an idea, how about you call him up and talk to him vs. texting. You could have a conversation about any manner of subjects. If he keeps the conversation going, you'll know everything is OK. If he rushes to get you off the line, that will tell you something is amiss. Edited March 4, 2020 by Happy Lemming 4
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 1 hour ago, Barbiebernie said: I have been dating this guy since late January and we had approximately 11 dates. He spent the night Saturday with me for the first time and we had sex first time. We had a discussion previously taking things slow. For some reason I had a feeling since yesterday that he is colder than he usually is. We always send a goodnight text before we sleep (literally every night). I did not receive it yesterday and started to feel anxiety. Yesterday I sent multiple texts and he replied short but did not initiate any conversation. Later in the evening I sent a text and said I wish he was here or I was there it would be nice to cuddle him now. He sent me a picture of his dog saying his dog is the cuddle monkey tonight with the emoji of . Is he trying to be cute? I do not understand. Is it me or something is off here. A quick change in regular behaviors is a bad sign. Maybe the sex wasn't good for him and he is deciding what to do. Or, he just wanted to get laid and now will slowly back away (this doesn't sound as plausible though, as he invested 11 dates with you). My guess is he didn't like the sex you guys had. This is why taking it too slow in the beginning can backfire. Now he is unsure of what to do, since he probably likes you, but the sex thing can be a deal killer for many. I'd do what another suggested and call him. It will be easier to judge his current state of mind with tone of voice, etc.. But really you guys just need to communicate. Express your feelings tactfully, and let him know that you are feeling a cool breeze from him since Saturday, and see what he says. Good luck! 6
smackie9 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Some men slip into their snail shell when things get way too connected from having sex. He's just shaking it off. Stop bombarding him with multiple text...you are making things worse for yourself. Let him breath. 4
Saracena Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 At this point, all you can do now (he knows you're interested) is pull WAY back yourself now and see if he initiates. Do not on any level contact him. In time you'll have your answer. 3
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Is he your boyfriend? If you are intimate with a man without a commitment first, then you have to assume you may never hear from him again afterward. My guess is that he got what he wanted. Even if he needed time to process his feelings after being intimate (which is just a cheap excuse for poor treatment), a mature man would consider your feelings and not make such a drastic change in behavior. You need to immediately stop all contact, date others and if he comes around you can decide then if he's worth reconnecting with. 3
Daisydooks Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 I'd pull back and let him initiate. (I'm a woman if that matters?) Based on his timeline and lack of interest since sex happened, I'm inclined to feel he didnt enjoy the sex or something felt off to him. I cant imagine investing 11 dates to get laid though. That's silly. Haha I have heard stranger things so it is possible he was just in it for sex and when he got it, his interest dwindled. Sad if thats the case as he has invested quite a bit on just getting laid if this is the case. I'd honesty just back off and let him come to you here. I wouldnt read too much into the cutesy response about cuddling the dog. Animals make it hard to just drop everything and run to someones place to cuddle on a weekday. I know my fiance and I also couldnt just up and come over because I missed him/he missed me. We did miss one another but we also had to wait for when it made sense to hang out/be together. We both had animals who needed breakfast at home, and lived too far apart to just jump in the car on a Tuesday night to spend the night. He lived an hour drive away and worked in the city where I lived. Had he not had a cat to feed, he could have stayed but he wasnt waking up at 4 am, driving an hour home to feed the cat, getting ready, and driving an hour back to work where he worked 15 minutes from me. Lol. It wasn't logical or reasonable in the middle of the week for us. Our animals needed us at home in the morning and with us not being 5 minutes apart, it made it hard to jump at the drop of a hat. So I wouldnt read too much into that IF he wasnt acting cold since you have had sex.... but he is. Its weird and something is off. 2
Fletch Lives Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 You two have not been dating long enough for him to fall in love. You can't expect a relationship at this point.
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 2 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: You two have not been dating long enough for him to fall in love. You can't expect a relationship at this point. Love was never mentioned. And I disagree with the other part. 11 dates is enough to know if you want a relationship with someone in my opinion. 3
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 Well he broke up with me so end of the discussion. He said he has been trying to understand what was missing for him. He realized he did not have the spark! 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 1 minute ago, Barbiebernie said: Well he broke up with me so end of the discussion. He said he has been trying to understand what was missing for him. He realized he did not have the spark! It was the sex, guaranteed. Good luck on the next one BB, you'll find someone. 2
preraph Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 I'm sorry. He just wasn't feeling it. Because guys are guys, they always want to have sex before they decide for sure if they could have feelings. So we probably already wasn't connecting the way he hoped he would and then having sex didn't change that. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 The sex is what changed him. Better or for worse, he got what he wanted and now re-assessing.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 How convenient that he didn't notice there wasn't a spark, until after he was physical with you. He played you like a fiddle. 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: The sex is what changed him. Better or for worse, he got what he wanted and now re-assessing. 21 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: How convenient that he didn't notice there wasn't a spark, until after he was physical with you. He played you like a fiddle. Wrong, and wrong. I'm sorry, but I disagree with you guys. I think he was honest, and should be respected for it. Unfortunately, honesty hurts sometimes. I don't think guys just looking for sex would invest the $$$, 11 dates, and a couple months time to get laid, it just doesn't make sense or add up. I think for the most part, when people look to get laid, it happens very quickly or they move on. This behavior doesn't match that at all. He probably liked her but was a little on the fence about it. Think about it, he went cold only after the sex, not any other time in the almost 3 months prior. He didn't like the sex, and it was the nail in the coffin for the relationship. No one got played here, it just wasn't a match. Edited March 4, 2020 by Backinthesaddleagain 1
Saracena Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 20 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: How convenient that he didn't notice there wasn't a spark, until after he was physical with you. He played you like a fiddle. Actually I was thinking the same thing as well. Surely he'd had noticed if there wasn't a spark well before now. I know I would, though of course we're all 'different'! 1
Miss Spider Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 It’s not really unusual...maybe they were sexual 1 minute ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: Wrong, and wrong. I'm sorry, but I disagree with you guys. I think he was honest, and should be respected for it. Unfortunately, honesty hurts sometimes. I don't think guys just looking for sex would invest the $$$, 11 dates, and a couple months time to get laid, it just doesn't make sense or add up. I think for the most part, when people look to get laid, it happens very quickly or they move on. This behavior doesn't match that at all. He probably liked her but was a little on the fence about it. Think about it, he went cold only after the sex, not any other time in the almost 3 months prior. He didn't like the sex, and it was the nail in the coffin for the relationship. I think that depends on how desirable op is relative to him, how easily he can get it , etc. Sure it could have been really bad sex. Also could have been sunk cost fallacy like ‘ I like her but I realize I don’t feel a spark, but I’ve already put so much time in, I might as well play this out’. No one really knows why. Sucks OP. Sorry. 4
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) Honestly if he came Saturday and told me he did not have the spark to have sex I would respect him. Sex was not the best for me also and putting in a respectful way it was short and not satisfying. I was looking from a different perspective believing that it could get better as we had the connection. Obviously I was in a situation that I was convinced that we had something important and in reality we did not. He just wanted to get sex before he exits which unfortunately very s***ty personality to me. edited to add: I paid for half of our dates. So he was not the only one who was spending (or wasting ) $$$. Edited March 4, 2020 by Barbiebernie Error 4 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 18 minutes ago, Barbiebernie said: Honestly if he came Saturday and told me he did not have the spark to have sex I would respect him. Sex was not the best for me also and putting in a respectful way it was short and not satisfying. I was looking from a different perspective believing that it could get better as we had the connection. Obviously I was in a situation that I was convinced that we had something important and in reality we did not. He just want to get sex before he exits which unfortunately very s***ty personality to me. edited to add: I paid for half of our dates. So he was not the only one who was spending (or wasting ) $$$. This changes my opinion. Can I ask how old you are BB?
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 8 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: This changes my opinion. Can I ask how old you are BB? 38
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 If you were younger, I might say that his 2 pump performance embarrassed him and he wanted to cut and run. And my guess about the sex being bad for him was that it too long for him to climax, or he didn't at all. But this doesn't add up at all. He sounds like a real ass hat, and wanted to get his rocks off before he ran away as others have suggested. That is bizarre behavior, and you are better to know sooner than later. I feel for you, but at least he is gone so you can try again. Good luck BB 1
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 2 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: or he didn't at all. This. Again to me it was not such a big deal since I really have enjoyed everything we have done together and was ready to work on it together. He said he had sexual issues with his ex before as his ex did not have any physical connection with him for more than 5 years. I do not know if I believe that now.
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 10 minutes ago, Barbiebernie said: This. Again to me it was not such a big deal since I really have enjoyed everything we have done together and was ready to work on it together. He said he had sexual issues with his ex before as his ex did not have any physical connection with him for more than 5 years. I do not know if I believe that now. Wait, so he didn't climax? In that case, I stand by my earlier assumptions. You guys weren't a sexual match. It happens, and it sucks. It has happened to me FYI. I had to bail regardless of how well everything else was going. Bad sex or no sexual chemistry is an absolute deal breaker for me. You didn't get played so don't feel bad. This was his issue to deal with, and at least he had the courage to tell you even after you slept together and he KNEW it would make you feel s***ty. Kudos to him, in fact. 1 1
Author Barbiebernie Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 7 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: Wait, so he didn't climax? In that case, I stand by my earlier assumptions. You guys weren't a sexual match. It happens, and it sucks. It has happened to me FYI. I had to bail regardless of how well everything else was going. Bad sex or no sexual chemistry is an absolute deal breaker for me. You didn't get played so don't feel bad. This was his issue to deal with, and at least he had the courage to tell you even after you slept together and he KNEW it would make you feel s***ty. Kudos to him, in fact. From this experience I get if a guy does not want to have sex with you for 11 dates or does not even try to make out with for the whole time there is no sexual connection. My problem with this is it was him wanted to wait and take it slow. 1
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