AnxiousJB Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Hi all, So, a month or so ago I had a date with someone who I had been talking to over the Christmas break. Unfortunately it didn't go so well and I was very politely rejected. However, this hit my mental health hard (I have anxiety disorder and have suffered with depression), because it brought up all the negative thoughts I must hold about myself, worries about the future and feeling of low worth. I worry that I became too attached to how I had idealised this person to be, because from the face of it she seemed compatible and the things she listed as 'who she was looking for' fitted me well, or so I thought. I know that I can't truly judge a person based on this, and if it had progressed it may not have worked anyway. However, I feel like the nerves got to me on the day, and looking back on it I don't think I gave the best impression of myself as a result. Nothing horrible, I think; I wasn't rude and was respectful of what she said, but I feel like I might have come across very nervy and was not positive about my own image. Like I say, it might not have worked anyway in that I didn't really know her; her tastes in comedy may have been completely different to mine or we may have had differences in politics which would not be easily worked around, for example. However, I feel frustrated that I feel like I let the nerves get to me and it didn't lead to me giving a representative impression of myself. This has led to futile dwelling on it, aided by my own anxieties and depression, telling me how useless I am or how I'll never find someone etc. I am sick of the constant replaying of what I said, questioning why I said that or didn't say this, because I may have done if I wasn't on edge. I am sick of the obsessive ruminations trying to decode what I remember from her impressions, and the anxieties this leads me to thinking about myself (e.g. did her facial expression when I said that make me think that I am some horrible person/weirdo?). I have done this before with job interviews. If I have an interview, where I got nervous for some reason and I didn't give what I felt like was a representative view of myself, I dwell on it afterwards and wish things were different. I try to tell myself that it was just a learning experience, and someone else will come along if you make a positive effort, but it's to no use. My negative side of my brain seems to swamp myself with self-loathing, anxiety and regret. It leaves me feeling quite down a lot of the time. I have confided in friends and they have been good. One female friend said "so?" in response to what I had said, and wished I hadn't, when I talked about my ruminating. This helped me to think that what I said wasn't awful. Another reassured me of my own doubts about my own nature, because I let this convince me that I am not a good person, saying that she wouldn't have politely turned me down if I'd made a bad impression of myself as a human being. This works momentarily, but when I am by myself the irrational thoughts about myself bring back the doubts and attacks on my own character. It has been bad this past week or so, after signs of recovery, and I am wondering if I should speak to my housemate again. I spoke to her when it first happened and affected me, but I worry that I'll be seen as a burden, despite not opening up so much since. I also worry that she'll think I am some obsessive weirdo for still feeling like this in response, even though I am well aware that I need to move on (my brain just can't let me because of my own issues in self-image). I have made efforts to contact my university's mental health team, but they are slow. I finally got an appointment with them a few weeks ago, but they haven't followed up until next week. I realise they're busy, but I don't feel like I've had the opportunity to open up and talk about the underlying issues I have about self-image and why I ruminate. The first session was mostly introductory. Deep down, I know I should move on, I am only wasting time dwelling on this, but it is so hard for me. My brain won't let me, I try to meditate but the thoughts keep intruding even if I distract myself and focus on the 'now.' I just want it to stop and properly move on, but my thoughts won't let me. I realise that people on here won't necessarily have the mental health issues I face, but how would you suggest to move on from the ruminating thoughts, regrets and how to rebuild a positive image of myself?
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Wow, this was a long read with a huge bandwidth of emotions and feelings. When you hear someone say "I need to not date for a while, so I can work on myself", this is exactly what you need to do. Instead of focusing on your issues and what you have to offer someone, etc., focus only on yourself and exclude what you believe to be other people's thoughts from your mind. I know it is easy for me to say. Forget about dating and try to find activities and interests that you enjoy. This will help you grow as a person, and will give you a better foundation to build on. Maybe start reading some self-help books on boosting confidence as well. Confidence is something that you can train your brain to do. Have you ever noticed how the guys at the club that look like they don't have a care in the world get a lot more women than the guy who is in the corner, rubber-necking all the women with shifty eyes? Or how the funniest comedians are the ones who just don't care what the audience thinks about their show? You need to start training your mind to be that guy. It's like the scene in the movie the Matrix- do not try to bend the spoon, that's impossible. Instead, only try to realize the truth- there is no spoon. Then you will see it is not the spoon that bends, it is only yourself. I love that line
Author AnxiousJB Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) Yeah, I know that's what I have to do really. I know most of it is just me projecting my own deep thoughts on to others. Most likely she probably just thought that this guy is not a horrid/weird person, but we don't have enough in common yo pursue further without wasting time. However, because of my own self-perception issues I project these thoughts onto others. Thankfully I am speaking to mental health teams and am pursuing CBT, which should help with this stuff. Things like this help give me somewhere just to air my thoughts to others, because I believe exposing them can help rid them. I do feel better when speaking to others about it, though I am aware that others don't want to be overwhelmed or talk about it all the time, and have learned from the past when I bottled up my feelings and that lead to a bad time for me. Thank-you for your response. It does help. Edited March 4, 2020 by AnxiousJB 1 1
smackie9 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 (edited) Going around to others for reassurance doesn't fix the anxiety and at times it can enable it. You notice that it was temporary and you went right back to those anxious ocd thoughts. Therapy will definitely help you find that "off" switch, and retrain your brain. best of luck in your jouney to happy mental health. Edited March 4, 2020 by smackie9 1 1
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