pairwithlife Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Hey everyone. New to the forum, though I’ve been lurking off and on for years, haha. As the title suggests, there is somebody I am interested in. A little background. We were seeing each other briefly back in summer of 2018 until I moved across the country for an opportunity with my job. We would message every now and again while we were thousands of miles apart but nothing substantial. Last week, I moved back to my hometown and decided on a whim to reach out to him. To my surprise, the interest and attraction was still there and still mutual. We had a nice conversation during which he told me he’s just started his clinical rotation and will be super busy for a few weeks, after which we can meet. (On top of that, he works overnights.) The conversation eventually ended and since then, he’s really difficult to get ahold of. That was last Tuesday, a week ago today. He will take hours to respond and the last message I sent to him on Sunday went unanswered. Nothing from him since. Now I know I probably sound selfish as I already explained how busy his schedule is. My issue is that I get stuck in my own head all too often, wondering if someone is really so busy that they can’t send a message to someone they claim to like and be interested in. In fairness to him, I don’t know what a clinical rotation entails or just how intensive it is, but from what little I know, it’s a crazy busy time for someone. I can almost anticipate the advice or responses I might receive to this. The ball is in his court now so I should wait it out; I’m being too needy/available since he already explained he’d be busy; etc. I struggle to draw the line between giving him the benefit of the doubt and trusting what he says, and making excuses for “s***ty” behavior, e.g. not responding to a text. I think I just need to be patient. Not everyone operates the same way that I do and I need to remember that. I feel better now that I’ve vented. I welcome all opinions, advice, and responses. For context, we are both guys. And I am a little out of practice, as I was off the market for quite a while. Thanks for taking the time to read, everyone. :)
Beendaredonedat Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 I suggest you let go of all of your expectations and just assume that he isn't all that interested. Get yourself onto some dating apps or join groups to meet people and just forget about him. If he is interested, then if he feels he has time then he will contact you. Frankly, I think you are way too insecure/needy to be thinking about dating a doctor who is in clinical rotation which can, If I understand it correctly can mean he's on duty for days at a time while he learns. You feel better now that you've vented? Good grief you shouldn't be feeling and less than just fine since you've not seen and very seldom heard from this guy since 2018. Let go of your expectations and you'll continue to feel better even if you don't hear what you want to hear in your thread. 2 1
Gaeta Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 He's not that interested. He may have been excited to hear from you and in the heat of the moment he may even have said he was looking forward to seeing you but then it all went poof. Doctors are busy but they are still humans that need to eat, sleep, go to the washroom, and yes check their phone in between. My brother is married to a doctor. She is an emergency physician, when her and my brother dated she would call him 10 times a day from the hospital. They're busy but they have down moments as well. 1 1
Author pairwithlife Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 17 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said: I suggest you let go of all of your expectations and just assume that he isn't all that interested. Get yourself onto some dating apps or join groups to meet people and just forget about him. If he is interested, then if he feels he has time then he will contact you. Frankly, I think you are way too insecure/needy to be thinking about dating a doctor who is in clinical rotation which can, If I understand it correctly can mean he's on duty for days at a time while he learns. You feel better now that you've vented? Good grief you shouldn't be feeling and less than just fine since you've not seen and very seldom heard from this guy since 2018. Let go of your expectations and you'll continue to feel better even if you don't hear what you want to hear in your thread. I didn’t post this so I could hear what I wanted to hear; I posted it so I could get genuine feedback from people like yourself. Thank you for your input. However, I’ll feel exactly what I’m feeling and won’t be told to feel differently...that’s invalidating. Maybe you’re right that I’m too insecure to be dating a guy of his stature, but given the chemistry we had when we dated the first time, and the claim that he’s still interested after all this time, I still feel the pull to pursue it. It can’t be one sided though, and time will tell if it’s to become anything or to fall to ashes. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) Med school isn’t a joke. His eyes are on the prize. That is his priority right now, so dating is probably not in the fore of his mind. Don’t wait around for him. Go live your life and if he comes around cool Edited March 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said: Med school isn’t a joke. His eyes are on the prize. That is his priority right now, so dating is probably not in the fore of his mind. Don’t wait around for him. Go live your life and if he comes around cool Agree. No joke, but had time to, initially, communicate with you to your satisfaction, so not TOO busy to respond back if he wanted to. Just assume he is too busy to date or date YOU. Don't wait for him and for Pete's sake, don't get too attached to the fact that he will be a doctor one day. Lol! 1 1
Miss Spider Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Agree. No joke, but had time to, initially, communicate with you to your satisfaction, so not TOO busy to respond back if he wanted to. Just assume he is too busy to date or date YOU. Don't wait for him and for Pete's sake, don't get too attached to the fact that he will be a doctor one day. Lol! Yes I agree it’s best to just assume that, and if it were an extremely strong connection that he felt, I’m sure he’d be able to shoot her a text to keep her warm. I just know there have been times in my life my mind just wasn’t on dating. I’m in grad school now and while it’s not as strenuous as med school can be, I wasn’t interested in dating ANYONE at some points. Some people want to get their stuff together before they go on dates. It’s a bit different than Gaeta’s example when they are out of school, settled in their career, and ready for a partner. Edited March 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
Author pairwithlife Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 14 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Med school isn’t a joke. His eyes are on the prize. That is his priority right now, so dating is probably not in the fore of his mind. Don’t wait around for him. Go live your life and if he comes around cool Reminding myself of this definitely helps to ground me and calm my turbulent mind. I guess I don’t really have any reason to doubt what he said, as he’s always been honest to a fault with me. But even still, things could change. We will see what happens in a couple of weeks and in the meantime, I’ll focus my attention elsewhere. 1
Author pairwithlife Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 12 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Agree. No joke, but had time to, initially, communicate with you to your satisfaction, so not TOO busy to respond back if he wanted to. Just assume he is too busy to date or date YOU. Don't wait for him and for Pete's sake, don't get too attached to the fact that he will be a doctor one day. Lol! Haha! I wasn’t even thinking about his future doctoral adventures...but now I am.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 3 minutes ago, pairwithlife said: Haha! I wasn’t even thinking about his future doctoral adventures...but now I am. Ah, shucks! Darn. Get that out of your head right now! 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) "I've been so busy".... It's hilarious when people give this LAME ASS excuse. NO ONE is too busy to send a 5-10 second text. He is not that interested from the sounds of it, or he has other guys he is more interested in now. I have friends with high level, high stress jobs- kids- active lives, etc. and somehow they can find the time to send a quick text to me, even if it is several hours or a day later since I sent the text to them. When I get this excuse from someone I am trying to date, I stop texting them. Put your energy into someone that is interested enough in you to not treat you like this. Edited March 3, 2020 by Backinthesaddleagain 1
smackie9 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 I say waiting is fruitless. Best to move on. Like I always say, date those who treat you the way you want to be treated. Being "too busy" should be unacceptable to you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 I would keep moving, OP. Don't put too many expectations on this one. Whether he's too busy to date, or "too busy" to date you, it doesn't sound as though now is a good time to pursue anything beyond a causal connection. He might like you well enough, but you're not a priority at the present. 2
Beendaredonedat Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 2 hours ago, pairwithlife said: I didn’t post this so I could hear what I wanted to hear; I posted it so I could get genuine feedback from people like yourself. Thank you for your input. However, I’ll feel exactly what I’m feeling and won’t be told to feel differently...that’s invalidating. Maybe you’re right that I’m too insecure to be dating a guy of his stature, but given the chemistry we had when we dated the first time, and the claim that he’s still interested after all this time, I still feel the pull to pursue it. It can’t be one sided though, and time will tell if it’s to become anything or to fall to ashes. You have expectation when you shouldn't have any. It's been a long time since you had this "chemistry" so it' dwindled, naturally. Stop expecting a certain outcome and you'll feel less angst and anxiety that you are feeling now because he's not biting at the bit to be with you. Do yourself a favor and take the stance that he's too busy to date you so you're moving on and just get on with trying to find someone that has the time to devote to you that you appear to Need in order to feel good about yourself. You'll "feel exactly what you're feeling and you won't be told to to feel differently?" Fine by me but it's you that's suffering by holding onto that miserable feeling of angst and expectation when all you have to do is give up your expectations. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) Wish it were easy to stop expectations.. It’s hard when you like someone a lot. Not that I can even remember what that’s like. Edited March 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 1
Author pairwithlife Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 9 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said: You have expectation when you shouldn't have any. It's been a long time since you had this "chemistry" so it' dwindled, naturally. Stop expecting a certain outcome and you'll feel less angst and anxiety that you are feeling now because he's not biting at the bit to be with you. Do yourself a favor and take the stance that he's too busy to date you so you're moving on and just get on with trying to find someone that has the time to devote to you that you appear to Need in order to feel good about yourself. You'll "feel exactly what you're feeling and you won't be told to to feel differently?" Fine by me but it's you that's suffering by holding onto that miserable feeling of angst and expectation when all you have to do is give up your expectations. I am far too easily swayed by the prospect of someone who seems like a challenge rather than someone who will readily give me what I need. I tend to fall into this trap without realizing it. And you raise a valid point- I’m placing expectations on him that I probably shouldn’t be. Thanks for the tough love. Side note; I like your avatar. 1
Beendaredonedat Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 17 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Wish it were easy to stop expectations.. It’s hard when you like someone a lot. Not that I can even remember what that’s like. Its not so hard when you take things at face value. Actions tell you how to respond. His actions would tell me not to expect too much from the likes of him. I think when someone is really 'game' they will act on a 'sure thing.' If I had contacted a guy and invited him out to reconnect and he didn't right away make a date to meet me, I'd know where I stand and I'd get on with trying to find someone who shows me they are as interested as I am. I'm not saying I wouldn't be disappointed, I'm just sayin. 2
Author pairwithlife Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 22 minutes ago, Beendaredonedat said: Its not so hard when you take things at face value. Actions tell you how to respond. His actions would tell me not to expect too much from the likes of him. I think when someone is really 'game' they will act on a 'sure thing.' If I had contacted a guy and invited him out to reconnect and he didn't right away make a date to meet me, I'd know where I stand and I'd get on with trying to find someone who shows me they are as interested as I am. I'm not saying I wouldn't be disappointed, I'm just sayin. I think what’s got me “hooked” is that we were seeing each other once before. I remember the way I felt about him and how he made me feel, and I often wonder what it could’ve become if I’d stayed here to begin with. Realistically speaking, I need to take him off this pedestal. Even if we do get a chance to see where it could go, things between us may not work out for any number of reasons. Isn’t it the definition of irony to keep doing things the same way and expecting different results? That resonates. I need to change my approach and my perspective. You’ve really helped me and I appreciate it very much. 1
preraph Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Whassa matta wit you? He TOLD you he is starting his clinical rotation. Probably this is in addition to whatever else he normally does, meaning, he's probably working 80 hours a week. Do you seriously expect him to return your texts when he's busy with patients or following a senior physician around? He's not working for Pizza Hut out on delivery!! You need to get a grip on yourself. Here: "Clinical rotations comprise the last two years of medical education. During rotations, students shadow physicians and residents at teaching hospitals, have access to patients, and gain valuable hands-on experience. Their professors are physicians and students work with residents to solve complex medical dilemmas." Leave him alone entirely and see if he reaches out after his crunch time is over. If he's interested he will; if he's not, he won't. Meanwhile keep dating. 1 1
Author pairwithlife Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 20 hours ago, preraph said: Whassa matta wit you? He TOLD you he is starting his clinical rotation. Probably this is in addition to whatever else he normally does, meaning, he's probably working 80 hours a week. Do you seriously expect him to return your texts when he's busy with patients or following a senior physician around? He's not working for Pizza Hut out on delivery!! You need to get a grip on yourself. Here: "Clinical rotations comprise the last two years of medical education. During rotations, students shadow physicians and residents at teaching hospitals, have access to patients, and gain valuable hands-on experience. Their professors are physicians and students work with residents to solve complex medical dilemmas." Leave him alone entirely and see if he reaches out after his crunch time is over. If he's interested he will; if he's not, he won't. Meanwhile keep dating. I know you’re serious, but the “whassa matta wit you” comment and the bit about Pizza Hut made me giggle. I have definitely kept dating in the interim; casually but I’ve been enjoying it. What I continue to struggle with is what I mentioned above, the dichotomy between constantly making excuses for him and recognizing his lack of contact as a sign of disinterest. I’ve been thinking less and less about it actually, and have been enjoying my time with other people, friends, and family. It’s very liberating. 2
preraph Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 A lot of doctors continue the hectic lifestyle after their full-fledged doctors, so it's even possible that a doctor isn't the right lifestyle for you. 1
Author pairwithlife Posted March 4, 2020 Author Posted March 4, 2020 22 minutes ago, preraph said: A lot of doctors continue the hectic lifestyle after their full-fledged doctors, so it's even possible that a doctor isn't the right lifestyle for you. That is true and worth examining as well, should it progress. I don’t know that I could handle dating a doctor unless his communication were to get better the further along we get. At worst, it’s a valuable lesson.
preraph Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 I will tell you what I learned about doctors when my sister was in the hospital for six months with pancreatitis. I was her power of attorney and privy to all her medical stuff legally, and yet the only time I ever got to talk to her main doctor was when I saw him walking out of the surgical area after her surgery. So I would ask everyone else who came and looked in on her, such as mainly interns, all the questions I had and for status and such. After this went on a while, one of them confessed to me that to ask a doctor a question (the one "supervising" them) they had to enter it into the notes on the computer -- and that even then, he never replied. Of course, this was a surgeon, very busy, but in general it's definitely not like on TV, with doctors standing around shooting the bull with nurses and like that, idle. That same doctor worked himself until he died just a few years after. He never did take time off. They start them being overworked as students, and then they nearly kill them with work as interns, and unless the doctor is one who is independently wealthy enough to have his own practice, it just doesn't let up. Even then, you have to at least take turns being on call for patients 24/7. You can't plan anything. Maybe he's in some area where it's not that intense, I don't know.
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