Trust issues - Can I trust my new guy?

[paloma22]

18 minutes ago, Mystery4u said:

Delete his number and any contact info. Delete him from all social media. Why is he even able to view your pictures? You need him completely out of your life if you want to get over him. If you can't help stalking him and this other girl then delete or deactivate your social media accounts until you are in a better place.

You need to learn from your mistakes. All that happened with this guy, a lot was due to the decisions you made. You say your next life goal is to find a partner, but then with him you say you just wanted it to be a one time physical thing but ended up getting feelings. You need to make your mind up what exactly it is you want.

If it's to find true love with a lifelong partner then firstly do not have sex on the first date. You need to value yourself a lot more. As mentioned you are the PRIZE here. You need to make sure any man who is allowed to be intimate with you actually deserves it. You can't work that out after one date. Every woman I have slept with on the first day of meeting her, was immediately placed in the 'never going to be my wifey' list. Go out on a few dates, get to know each other, behaviours, goals, values. Evaluate his actions. If that connection is there, the physical side will come naturally. You will soon find out who is looking for true love and who is looking for a bit of fun until the next one comes along.

Secondly when you do meet someone you like, there is no point playing games or beating around the bush. Be honest with yourself and with him. A relationship is a two way thing. It needs both partners to feel the same about each other, otherwise expectations will not be met and it will end up with disappointment. You stated that "I felt i couldn't really ask for exclusivities" because of your exams and you were leaving for a few months in July. That sounds like the PERFECT time to ask to be exclusive. You were already sleeping with each other, had met family and friends, were communicating regularly etc, basically as though you were bf/gf. It was the time to decide is this relationship is going somewhere or do we say thank you and good bye. You clearly had feelings, but just telling him to tell you if he sleeps with another girl was the wrong move. It made it look like you are happy to be his bit on the side, not the PRIZE that he values so much that he would never even consider sleeping with someone else. Do you really want to be in a long distance 'relationship' with someone who is not your boyfriend, so he has no obligation to keep you up to date with his daily activities, no obligation to not talk or sleep with other girls, no obligation to meet up with you? Do you see how low value this looks? I think you didn't ask for exclusivity because you were afraid of rejection and didn't want to lose him. Is it not better to ask the question so you have your answer? If the answer was 'no sorry I don't want to be exclusive' then you could have ended it on your terms, knowing he does not feel the same about you as you do about him, as opposed to what actually happened, where you have lost him anyway but also feel like **** now.

You need to look after #1. Yourself.

And time will help you get over him, I promise you that. One day you will find someone who appreciates you for you.

I agree. All of what you said is right. I think i went into this casually because I was also talking to someone else at the time that I was pretty interested in. So i wasn't even sure if I wanted to be exclusive with the guy bc i was also exploring other options. I agree when he came down to see me last, i probably should have brought up the exclusive thing, but in all honestly i kind of did via if hes seeing other people - but youre right, it probably wasn't explicit. I still think he would have lied. I think he ended it now because he knows how i feel about sexual monogamy, and i think he has prob entered into a new sexual relationship. just my feeling.

the funny thing is my relationship before this guy was 4 months and we did NOT have sex bc he took so long to get tested and I broke it off with him. This guy knew this - the sex on the first date was very unlike me. i really should not have done it but i genuinely thought i wouldn't see him again/didnt actually like him. i definitely wouldnt have done it if i actually liked him, but here we are. 

I also felt like asking someone to be exclusive after essentially 2 dates is sort of unrealistic no? i guess you dont ask you dont get. im pretty mad at myself at how this played out. i just feel stupid and im not stupid and i dont like being disrespected by men ever.

I could delete him yes but tbh i want to be able to throw in his face in 4 months when i graduate from my program and look great etc. but im also so angry and feel like he crossed a respect line so dont know if he deserves to see my stuff. i will probably deactivate my social media. not sure how to get over this feeling of anger. 

[basil67]

If you want a relationship, behave like you want a relationship.  No game playing, no casual flings.  Don't get mixed up with someone when you're going to ditch them anyway.  Don't have a casual thing where you need to ask them to tell you if they are sleeping with someone else. 

My other thing is to disagree with those who say that you should have the pride to think a guy is lucky to be dating you...or that you're some kind of prize.  This is a modern parenting thing which comes from parents telling little Johnny or Mary that they are special.  But they aren't special.  I'm not special, you're not special.  We're all just humans doing the best we can.  And so are the people we have relationships with.   Be true to what you want.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, paloma22 said:

I could delete him yes but tbh i want to be able to throw in his face in 4 months when i graduate from my program and look great etc. but im also so angry and feel like he crossed a respect line so dont know if he deserves to see my stuff. i will probably deactivate my social media. not sure how to get over this feeling of anger. 

Paloma. Deep breath. 

I know you disappointed. But I would take a step back and reflect on where this anger is coming from and why this has triggered you so badly. 

Are you comparing yourself to this woman you suspect he might be seeing now? Are you still visiting her social media? 

Edited March 15, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[simpycurious]

6 hours ago, paloma22 said:

I agree. All of what you said is right. I think i went into this casually because I was also talking to someone else at the time that I was pretty interested in. So i wasn't even sure if I wanted to be exclusive with the guy bc i was also exploring other options. I agree when he came down to see me last, i probably should have brought up the exclusive thing, but in all honestly i kind of did via if hes seeing other people - but youre right, it probably wasn't explicit. I still think he would have lied. I think he ended it now because he knows how i feel about sexual monogamy, and i think he has prob entered into a new sexual relationship. just my feeling.

the funny thing is my relationship before this guy was 4 months and we did NOT have sex bc he took so long to get tested and I broke it off with him. This guy knew this - the sex on the first date was very unlike me. i really should not have done it but i genuinely thought i wouldn't see him again/didnt actually like him. i definitely wouldnt have done it if i actually liked him, but here we are. 

I also felt like asking someone to be exclusive after essentially 2 dates is sort of unrealistic no? i guess you dont ask you dont get. im pretty mad at myself at how this played out. i just feel stupid and im not stupid and i dont like being disrespected by men ever.

I could delete him yes but tbh i want to be able to throw in his face in 4 months when i graduate from my program and look great etc. but im also so angry and feel like he crossed a respect line so dont know if he deserves to see my stuff. i will probably deactivate my social media. not sure how to get over this feeling of anger. 

Yeah, asking to be exclusive after two dates is probably not realistic.  You seem to really want to "stick it to" this guy and let him feel your wrath.  I am not sure all the anger will 

serve you well moving forward. If you feel you made a mistake own it and learn from it moving ahead.  It seems that you have a lot to look forward to so don't spend your energy looking

backwards.

[paloma22]

11 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Paloma. Deep breath. 

I know you disappointed. But I would take a step back and reflect on where this anger is coming from and why this has triggered you so badly. 

Are you comparing yourself to this woman you suspect he might be seeing now? Are you still visiting her social media? 

Yes - and ive done it in the past when i was broken up with over a suspected other woman. I do stalk her social media - its a problem. Ive since deleted my SM but her profile is public so i could easily check it out and my self control is limited here. 

The thing is she's older then me, divorced, but she lives such a normal life, is pretty and fun looking, and lives close to him. So it makes sense and is probably the easy choice. It just makes me mad and frustrated i can't be that person too. i chose my path and am happy with what I'm doing, but it makes dating so hard and i just compare myself to normal women with 9-5 jobs and free weekends. 

 

[paloma22]

1 hour ago, paloma22 said:

Yes - and ive done it in the past when i was broken up with over a suspected other woman. I do stalk her social media - its a problem. Ive since deleted my SM but her profile is public so i could easily check it out and my self control is limited here. 

The thing is she's older then me, divorced, but she lives such a normal life, is pretty and fun looking, and lives close to him. So it makes sense and is probably the easy choice. It just makes me mad and frustrated i can't be that person too. i chose my path and am happy with what I'm doing, but it makes dating so hard and i just compare myself to normal women with 9-5 jobs and free weekends. 

 

side note i am supposed to be graduating from med school soon but everything is up in the air. sooo my mood has been about a 2/10 lately and i think as a result i got needy and wanted to cling on to him as my escape from my daily life in question. sure its great to be in medicine, but being a final year medical student, living in a small place and not knowing if you can finish your year or go overseas for final training (unlikely), its a lot to take and is making me depressed. this just making things worse! 

[simpycurious]

Don't be depressed Paloma and certainly don't take out any frustrations on others.  Step back and be proud of your work and look forward to what's ahead of you.

 

[paloma22]

13 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Yeah, asking to be exclusive after two dates is probably not realistic.  You seem to really want to "stick it to" this guy and let him feel your wrath.  I am not sure all the anger will 

serve you well moving forward. If you feel you made a mistake own it and learn from it moving ahead.  It seems that you have a lot to look forward to so don't spend your energy looking

backwards.

Did have a lot to look forward to (finishing med school). but with covid things are pretty depressing right now. we don't know how things will play out, i likely cannot go overseas now for final bits of training, yet we still work in the hospitals and put ourselves at risk. so im actually just in a s***ty place and think i wanted to cling on to him as an outlet (he's not in med and time with him felt like a holiday from my life). as i said in the comments above, the other girl is 'normal' has a 9-5 job, does fun things on the weekends, lives 10 minutes from him in the city (im 1.5 hours away in a rural area). albeit shes older then me and divorced, she seems the obvious choice. 

[paloma22]

52 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Don't be depressed Paloma and certainly don't take out any frustrations on others.  Step back and be proud of your work and look forward to what's ahead of you.

 

im certainly not taking my frustrations out on others. its really only these sort of relationships that derail me, but i know how to  separate them from my work and life. this will pass. its just frustrating right now and i am taking my frustrations out on myself mostly. i just wish i could put less guilt on myself here and feel better about the situation because these were decisions i made and only i am accountable. 

re-reading some of my comments i realize how wild i sound. but life is tough right now-lot of unknowns in my industry atm. perhaps im experiencing exagerrated sadness from this situation as a result

Edited March 16, 2020 by paloma22

[ExpatInItaly]

4 hours ago, paloma22 said:

 but life is tough right now-lot of unknowns in my industry atm. perhaps im experiencing exagerrated sadness from this situation as a result

Believe me, I understand this. I live in Italy and we are currently under a nation-wide, total lockdown. We cannot even legally leave our homes if not for absolutely essential reasons; I will be out of work until this quarantine is lifted early next month - if it is even lifted then. The feeling of powerlessness and uncertainty is a lot to deal with, and it's doing our collective head in over here. 

However, we can't let these difficult times get us down too much. It is normal to want to lean on those closest to us, but it sounds like in this case, he never really was a solid choice. You also can't be sure he is even dating this other woman.  Know that he was not the right person to build a relationship with, and don't ruminate over who ended. It's not important, ultimately. 

[paloma22]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Believe me, I understand this. I live in Italy and we are currently under a nation-wide, total lockdown. We cannot even legally leave our homes if not for absolutely essential reasons; I will be out of work until this quarantine is lifted early next month - if it is even lifted then. The feeling of powerlessness and uncertainty is a lot to deal with, and it's doing our collective head in over here. 

However, we can't let these difficult times get us down too much. It is normal to want to lean on those closest to us, but it sounds like in this case, he never really was a solid choice. You also can't be sure he is even dating this other woman.  Know that he was not the right person to build a relationship with, and don't ruminate over who ended. It's not important, ultimately. 

yes you are right. thinking of you in italy - ive been reading about italy and the situation throughout my day. my thoughts are with everyone over there going through a very difficult time in this pandemic. 

[justwhoiam]

On 3/16/2020 at 10:55 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

I will be out of work until this quarantine is lifted early next month - if it is even lifted then. The feeling of powerlessness and uncertainty is a lot to deal with, and it's doing our collective head in over here.

Maybe you're in a category that will be given money? What kind of job is it?

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, justwhoiam said:

Maybe you're in a category that will be given money? What kind of job is it?

Unfortunately, no. 

I am an educator in a private enterprise. Italy has complicated labour laws and the numerous types of contracts are difficult to explain to those who don't work in the country and are unfamiliar with the system here. Under the sort of contract I hold (and untold thousands of others with the same sort of contracts) there will be no financial compensation for this. In a country that was already struggling with serious economic problems, many of us will be out the money. Plain and simple. Folks everywhere here are frantically scrambling to figure out how to make ends meet now, until we can return to work. 

Not to derail the thread, but to those of you reading this from countries just now being touched by restrictions and shut-downs -  I implore you to take this very seriously. The fall-out from this can be very fast and very severe even if you are not touched directly by the infection. You don't want to wind up in the situation we're currently in. We couldn't have imagined it, either, but here we are. Stay healthy all!

Edited March 19, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[justwhoiam]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Under the sort of contract I hold there will be no financial compensation for this

Hmm, are you sure? Freelancers (with a VAT number) can get money. So if you're not a freelancer, you're hired staff. With a temp contract? If so, you get paid unless you're laid off. If you're laid off, you get compensation (usually minimum a week & max 3 months) + severance (1 month pay more or less for every year you worked there).

[paloma22]

43 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Unfortunately, no. 

I am an educator in a private enterprise. Italy has complicated labour laws and the numerous types of contracts are difficult to explain to those who don't work in the country and are unfamiliar with the system here. Under the sort of contract I hold (and untold thousands of others with the same sort of contracts) there will be no financial compensation for this. In a country that was already struggling with serious economic problems, many of us will be out the money. Plain and simple. Folks everywhere here are frantically scrambling to figure out how to make ends meet now, until we can return to work. 

Not to derail the thread, but to those of you reading this from countries just now being touched by restrictions and shut-downs -  I implore you to take this very seriously. The fall-out from this can be very fast and very severe even if you are not touched directly by the infection. You don't want to wind up in the situation we're currently in. We couldn't have imagined it, either, but here we are. Stay healthy all!

That would be extremely frustrating and difficult. I really hope italy comes up with some contingencies for their citizens. They'll have to do something.

 Im currently working as frontline (final yr student) HCW in a country that is essentially sitting back and waiting for things to explode. Its probably going to get to where your country is at, bc not enough is being done to break the chain of transmission ie everything is OPEN. We also still need to worry about passing our final year exams, whilst working with limited protective equipment like face masks and gowns bc resources are limited. one of my colleagues was told recently to use hand sanitizer sparingly. tis a very stressful time for all. 

on the bright side, I wish i hadn't bothered sending that text to the guy after all (point of my thread) - so silly in hindsight. Never would have had i known this was coming. Hes probably inside quarantined (possibly w the other chick, who knows) while im (at least trying to be) part of the solution. Will i get corona? TBD lol. 

[paloma22]

Update again - he sent me a random text yesterday with a photo of a big box on a scale at post office weight almost 12 pounds. He said he's sending me my umbrella and also some Covid 19 essentials. I thanked him and said it was sweet, he said it was a fake emergency kit (he knows im working frontline atm). pretty thoughtful i suppose. 

today hes no longer instagram friends w the girl i was suspicious he had ditched me for originally.

karma.

[Azincourt]

On 3/3/2020 at 2:30 AM, paloma22 said:

I'm seeing someone new after a very unconventional start for me. I slept with this guy on the first date, before the holidays, thinking I would not see him again. I did it bc I had not had sex in 1.5 years, and I wanted to get it out of my system.

No  need to explain why you slept with the guy. There's nothing wrong with having sex during the first date. My mom approached my dad, asked him out on a date the same day she met him, initiated sex on that same night - they've been happily married to each other for 40 years now.

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I had also just ended things with a man who had put off getting tested for STIs for ages, and I unceremoniously ended it with him, much to my self doubt if it was the correct decision.

if it takes him that long toget tested for STIs, he's either hiding something or he's not attracted to you.  it's likely he was putting getting tested for STIs for so long because he was infected with something and was trying to get you to sleep with him.  I always get tested for STIS every 3 months even when I'm not single and when I'm not looking for a hook-up.

 

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Fast forward and we talked during the entire break I was away (5 weeks) and we each brought each other gifts from our home towns. He lives 1.5 hours away from me, so to date we have only had two officials other dates, one of which involved me staying at his place, meeting his brother and gf, going to an art show, go karting with his brother/gf and dinner/brunch. It was a 24 hour date if you will. Next date was this past weekend, he came to spend the weekend here, we went on a wine tour, as well as dinner/brunches out. We've been having sex, and after asking him to get tested, he DID and even sent me the results (I work in HC and can interpret them). 

That's good of him.

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I am entering my final year exams for my program and will soon be leaving for several months in july, so I felt i couldn't really ask for exclusivities. What I DID ask for was that he tell me if he begins to sleep with another woman. He told me he would. Especially bc we are not using condoms (I use other protection and track my cycles, but ..im starting to reconsider this)

Yeah, about that.  First of, the two of you aren't exclusive.  Second, even if you were exclusive it would be better for the guy to wear a condom. The pill isn't bullet-proof perfect, and there are cases of women who take their birth control right on time, have the guy wear a condom, and they still end up pregnant.

Especially if she's young and highly fertile. I got myself a vasectomy years ago,  the women I sleep with are on the pill, I always wear a condom, and even then I always pull before ejaculating,  and get it over with outside of her, inside the condom to make sure that nothing happens.

Third, condoms make a guy last longer.  With a condom I last 30 minutes. Without a condom on I only last 15 minutes, so better wrap it up and be safe all-around and have fun.

 

 

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The thing is I have trust issues from past relationships and I know he follows this one girl on IG and likes her photos constantly (even this weekend).

If she's on Instagram, she's probably hot. If she's hot, many, many guys would love to sleep with her. You two aren't exclusive yet as you haven't asked and he hasn't mentioned anything about it. And let's be honest. Lots of guys would cheat on their girlfriend. God knows I'd do it if Selena Gomez or Georgina Rodriguez ever offered me the chance, and I've ''cheated'' on my girlfriends with women who weren't as attractive or as rich as those two.

I'm not saying the man you're interested in is like that. Many men are loyal to their girlfriends and wives, but it's better to be prepared just in case. Stock up on those condoms from now on, only safe sex.

 

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One time I stalked her stories anonymously, and she had tagged him at a pool. No i do not think they are just friends. But I have no proof. SO, is he f***ing with me? 

Yeah.. you shouldn't be stalking anyone. Honestly, what makes you believe they are anything other than friends? Do you have proof?  You don't want a potential boyfriend to have female friends? Why? I have lots of female friends , and most of them are hot. It's one of the consequences of being a batertender in a beach town/college town. If a woman can't deal with that, then I'd rather not date her.

 

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He is supposed to come up and see me again in a few weeks time. I suggested coming to him to see what he'd say and he said i could he just thought this would be easier with my study schedule.

This seems to be another case of 'all men lie' but Im trying to not jump to conclusions when so far he's done nothing directly wrong.

First of all: not all men lie.

Many will lie, but on the other hand many men will either not lie because of their moral compass or because they care about their girlfriends. You can't jump the boat over your suspicions because frankly the man hasn't given you any reason to be suspiscuous.

You seem to have trust-issues.  It's natural for that to happen if you've dated men who ended up going behind your back, and that's something you need to take care of(therapy/counceling) before you jump into anything serious with a guy.

Always wear a condom.

Doesn't matter if the guy is the Pope Francis of relationships and would never sleep with a woman other than you.

Safe sex is safe sex.

Edited March 24, 2020 by Azincourt

[Hopeful30]

Follow your instincts. They are never wrong.

[balletomane]

On 3/19/2020 at 2:03 AM, paloma22 said:

Hes probably inside quarantined (possibly w the other chick, who knows) while im (at least trying to be) part of the solution.

People who are quarantined indoors absolutely are being part of the solution. As a medical student you know this. You should also have seen enough suffering by your final year of med school to realise that pain and sickness and difficulty come to us all, and having a picture-perfect life on social media doesn't mean anything.

I'm a doctor too. I understand why you're stressed. My specialty is paediatric neurology and I have patients with multiple profound disabilities who will not make it if they contract this virus. I've never felt more powerless as a professional and it's a horrible situation for a new doctor to be graduating into. But try not to vent your stress by Facebook stalking this woman and wondering what she's doing. You need to find healthier ways to cope in this field.

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today hes no longer instagram friends w the girl i was suspicious he had ditched me for originally.

karma.

 

Karma for what, exactly? Neither he nor she did anything wrong even if they were a couple. They didn't owe anything to you.

This sort of paranoia and obsessiveness is not going to help you as a doctor. You need to concentrate on getting a handle on this, rather than worrying about what women you've never met are doing.

Edited March 25, 2020 by balletomane

[paloma22]

3 hours ago, balletomane said:

People who are quarantined indoors absolutely are being part of the solution. As a medical student you know this. You should also have seen enough suffering by your final year of med school to realise that pain and sickness and difficulty come to us all, and having a picture-perfect life on social media doesn't mean anything.

I'm a doctor too. I understand why you're stressed. My specialty is paediatric neurology and I have patients with multiple profound disabilities who will not make it if they contract this virus. I've never felt more powerless as a professional and it's a horrible situation for a new doctor to be graduating into. But try not to vent your stress by Facebook stalking this woman and wondering what she's doing. You need to find healthier ways to cope in this field.

Karma for what, exactly? Neither he nor she did anything wrong even if they were a couple. They didn't owe anything to you.

This sort of paranoia and obsessiveness is not going to help you as a doctor. You need to concentrate on getting a handle on this, rather than worrying about what women you've never met are doing.

of course quarantining indoors is part of the solution - its essential to the solution. the paranoia is something I've had for a long time asa result of mistrust in relationships and i have been working on it- it does not affect my work as a medical student and i do not intend on it affecting my work as a doctor. every person and/or professional faces insecurities - at least i can admit i have some and am actively working on improving them. its a work in progress and its always related to romantic relationships. ive made a lot of progress. i think in some ways facing personal challenges in any capacity allows a better appreciation of empathy and i always try to put myself in the position of my patients. no doctor, nurse or HCW is viceless and ide rather be more humbled then think i am god/untouchable. confidence is important in medicine, but so is humanity.

im not saying he owed me anything. but the way he dropped me out of thin air was slightly vindicated by receiving this 'apology' package (very thoughtful and included 3 bottles of wine and a bunch of PPE type items). It wasn't an apology, and i have no idea where we stand, but now i feel the respect element is regained. whether we continue in any form of friendship or relationship after this is all said and done, i don't know. im just focusing on staying healthy and working as best i can for my community. i also still have exams on top of our frontline work, so its enough to keep me occupied.

its a difficult situation for us all- old and new doctors. the feeling of powerlessness is pervasive. we are in it together.

 

Edited March 26, 2020 by paloma22

[Averis1]

How are you the "cool girl" when you were the one using him as a casual fling then got MAD when he ditched you before you did?

You're upset 'cause your ego got bruised and now being neurotic in your comments.

You were going to dump him after you get your release anyway.  No one "abused" you except for yourself.

The stalking stuff is so not a "cool girl" thing. Just move on.