Trust issues - Can I trust my new guy?

[Backinthesaddleagain]

3 hours ago, paloma22 said:

UPDATE- its been 2 weeks since I last saw him - in that time we've chatted on and off but generally I've had zero idea who he's been seeing, what hes been doing etc. Finally the other day after he asked me a couple of random pointless Qs about work and if ide yet drunk the bottle of wine from the tour, I came out and asked if he could mail me my umbrella which I left at his place last time. He said he would - thought this would be an opportunity to make plans w me. When he didn't, I said "are we going to make plans or we just going to text fluff" - this was a very abrupt statement but I was getting tired of being strung along. 

He took a day to reply and said "I just can't right now sorry." then 10 minutes later said "t’s not you - something has happened that I need to deal with one way or another and I am struggling to deal with that plus work." 

pretty sure hes doing someone else and its a cop out. I'm pretty angry. i replied with a simple 'sure - hope it works out' and that's that.

this was all over instagram so now the Q is do i delete him; ive already deleted his number but most of our communication is via ig. ill prob delete the app anyways for my upcoming exams. I realize this was going nowhere but I am upset regardless. I wanted to end things on my terms and he beat me to it. Feeling frustrated and don't want to feel like an option yet i do. 

Would appreciate some thoughts or comments

Well, when you asked for him to mail you your umbrella, I think that showed him you were done. But with his response, he has probably moved on anyways. Not sure why you care about not ending it on your terms. Sounds like it's over, time for you to move on. 

[paloma22]

51 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

Well, when you asked for him to mail you your umbrella, I think that showed him you were done. But with his response, he has probably moved on anyways. Not sure why you care about not ending it on your terms. Sounds like it's over, time for you to move on. 

im pretty upset. i wish i never sent the subsequent message and thus got rejected. i just assumed he wanted to see me again bc he kept texting me random pointless questions. i still dont get it.

[paloma22]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

I really doubt it's so complicated.  My bet is still that he saw the two of you as casual only.   If it was going to be more, it would have escalated.

Sorry.   Perhaps others will give different opinions.

Ya i agree. Hard to make sex on the first date and living far away as something more. but i just wish i hadn't written that to him asking if we were gonna make plans. it just looks bad. ultimately i would have faded him in about a month given my large exams coming up, but i wanted to see him one more time. im just upset he ended it on his terms now. feeling rejected and bruised when i really didn't care that much i just liked the sex and company, and maybe developed feelings BC of the sex. Now he knows i really care and that is hard to take. 

I also am confident there is someone else and its a pattern for me where i stalk that suspected other person and obsess. ive tried to go to counselling about it but its v hard to see anyone and i find it doesnt help. but i feel like im stuck in a perpetual cycle of men getting bored of me after 3-4 months and moving on to someone better. im sure i will obsess over this time too but i really cant afford the time. How do i get over this quickly??

Edited March 14, 2020 by paloma22
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[dramallama]

I note that 'you assume' - you obviously weren't both communicating which is the key. Your statement about mailing the umbrella did sound like you weren't expecting to see him again- why would he need to mail it? 

But then he wasn't being open with you either- 'something' came up.

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting. 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

4 minutes ago, paloma22 said:

im pretty upset. i wish i never sent the subsequent message and thus got rejected. i just assumed he wanted to see me again bc he kept texting me random pointless questions. i still dont get it.

When you get comfortable with rejection, you will grow as a person. There are a million reasons why it happens. Be strong, move on, and don't take it personal.

Your text about the fluff, etc. Was a mistake. It sounded passive aggressive and needy. I would have said something like "hey I'd like my umbrella back. When you bring it back to me, maybe we can grab a drink?" Then you could have gotten it back, and talked face to face to see where things were at without being awkward. 

Keep your chin up. Better luck with the next one!

[paloma22]

1 minute ago, dramallama said:

I note that 'you assume' - you obviously weren't both communicating which is the key. Your statement about mailing the umbrella did sound like you weren't expecting to see him again- why would he need to mail it? 

But then he wasn't being open with you either- 'something' came up.

 

Sorry to hear you're hurting. 

at the end of our last weekend together he said he'd come and see me in a few weeks time. i wasn't convinced but it was said. plus the random qs = thought ide see him again. 

ya the 'something' coming up is also very unclear and frustrating. i dont know what possibly could have come up considering before i sent these messages he was chatting with me casually about wine.

[dramallama]

I don't get how you can be 'kind of' exclusive and asking him to tell you if he sleeps with anyone else- exclusivity is binary - you are or you aren't. It sounds like you weren't.

Stalking his Instagram friends is also not a good sign, I mean I've done it myself and I know it's when you feel insecure and vulnerable- not a way to be feeling if it was just casual. 

I think you weren't honest with yourself about your feelings and therefore not honest with him maybe because you knew he was keeping you at arm's length? 

Just delete him and go take care of you x

[paloma22]

6 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

When you get comfortable with rejection, you will grow as a person. There are a million reasons why it happens. Be strong, move on, and don't take it personal.

Your text about the fluff, etc. Was a mistake. It sounded passive aggressive and needy. I would have said something like "hey I'd like my umbrella back. When you bring it back to me, maybe we can grab a drink?" Then you could have gotten it back, and talked face to face to see where things were at without being awkward. 

Keep your chin up. Better luck with the next one!

he lives 1.5 hours away so it would have involved a trip.  i agree the msg i sent was needy sounding. but i was tired of the BS. im sick of being the cool girl who goes with the flow of non relationships, so yes, i suppose i sounded needy bc i am when im having sex with someone and have no idea what they are doing or when im gonna see them again. clearly not something i can do. 

side note: ive been very stressed too and wanted to see him as an outlet if you will. but i think the stress came out in my messages.

Edited March 14, 2020 by paloma22

[Backinthesaddleagain]

3 minutes ago, paloma22 said:

he lives 1.5 hours away so it would have involved a trip.  i agree the msg i sent was needy sounding. but i was tired of the BS. im sick of being the cool girl who goes with the flow of non relationships, so yes, i suppose i sounded needy bc i am when im having sex with someone and have no idea what they are doing or when im gonna see them again. clearly not something i can do. 

I feel ya. Dating is frustrating as hell. Be strong, move on, and try not to repeat the same mistakes. There really isnt anything else you can do.

[paloma22]

3 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

I feel ya. Dating is frustrating as hell. Be strong, move on, and try not to repeat the same mistakes. There really isnt anything else you can do.

i think im upset at how things ended more than anything. upset at myself for letting my current stress level translate into my text messages to him. he probably thinks im a needy nut job now and i hate that. wanted to be the cool girl even if im not. i like ending things w mutual respect.

[dramallama]

The not knowing what he was up to = he was keeping you at arm's length. My guy has always given me a running commentary about his day and movements. It did help build trust and confidence.

I get the impression you say you want casual but you don't. Know yourself hon, it's important. 

[paloma22]

11 minutes ago, dramallama said:

The not knowing what he was up to = he was keeping you at arm's length. My guy has always given me a running commentary about his day and movements. It did help build trust and confidence.

I get the impression you say you want casual but you don't. Know yourself hon, it's important. 

do i just delete him from social media out of spite or do i avoid stalking him by getting someone to change my pw and staying off altogether? i know in a few months when im over it i won't care but right now im so pissed. 

im just very  angry frustrated, hurt. i realize i need to know myself but i didn't think this would progress to the pt of me liking him. and he was doing lots up until our last visit to reassure me he was interested. its just after the weekend it changed. 

i just worry about how this affects my confidence moving forward. all of these things really choke me up and affect my work, concentration, mood etc. i just feel not good enough and rejected.

Edited March 14, 2020 by paloma22

[dramallama]

This isn't about you, it's about compatibility  timing, lots of other factors. You mustn't internalise rejection, it's not healthy. You are exactly the person you were before you met him and once you've dusted off your bruised ego you will go forward being the awesome person you are.

It's not spiteful to delete him if it helps protect your heart, and if it's over and done you have no need to follow him. 

[paloma22]

19 minutes ago, dramallama said:

This isn't about you, it's about compatibility  timing, lots of other factors. You mustn't internalise rejection, it's not healthy. You are exactly the person you were before you met him and once you've dusted off your bruised ego you will go forward being the awesome person you are.

It's not spiteful to delete him if it helps protect your heart, and if it's over and done you have no need to follow him. 

i just hate how i reacted with that text. so impulsive. but at the same time im upset i FEEL upset bc i also have needs. 

reality is im not always going to play it cool. i get stressed and a bit neurotic at times. its just who i am. and i hate non communication and vagueness. my love language is words of affirmation.

Edited March 14, 2020 by paloma22

[basil67]

1 hour ago, paloma22 said:

Ya i agree. Hard to make sex on the first date and living far away as something more. but i just wish i hadn't written that to him asking if we were gonna make plans. it just looks bad. ultimately i would have faded him in about a month given my large exams coming up, but i wanted to see him one more time. im just upset he ended it on his terms now. feeling rejected and bruised when i really didn't care that much i just liked the sex and company, and maybe developed feelings BC of the sex. Now he knows i really care and that is hard to take. 

I also am confident there is someone else and its a pattern for me where i stalk that suspected other person and obsess. ive tried to go to counselling about it but its v hard to see anyone and i find it doesnt help. but i feel like im stuck in a perpetual cycle of men getting bored of me after 3-4 months and moving on to someone better. im sure i will obsess over this time too but i really cant afford the time. How do i get over this quickly??

In your other thread 

 you say that you only saw him for three weekends over three months.  This isn't about him getting bored of you after 3-4 months, this is about him not being particularly interested in the first place.  Granted, I haven't dated in many years, but I'm sure that a keen guy still acts keen.  This guy wasn't keen.

Meanwhile, you say you were going to cut him loose in a month anyway.  So you can't have been all that keen yourself.   Honestly, I think this just comes down to you being pissed because he ended it before you did.

[basil67]

But you were going to ditch him in another month anyway (from your other thread) so your "needs" are not actually needs.  

If you hate non communication and vagueness, stop having casual relationships with guys who aren't wanting a proper relationship with you.  You have choice and control here if you choose to use it.  

[Blind-Sided]

I've said this on a bunch of threads... if you have sex on the first date... it's going to doom the relationship.  OK... I  know there are stories about people stay together for a long time after that event... but I'm guessing there are 100's that end shortly after.

From a quick read on both... he got what he needed... some physical attention after a 1.5 year dry spell.  You didn't see him for a long time after, and I'm sure he was fine with that.  You live 1.5 hrs apart... that makes it that much easier to not see you.

I'm really not trying to sound harsh... but that's just how it is.  You would have found out if he was serious about you... if you made him wait for a while. And in turn, avoided the anger and/or heartache.

I'm truly sorry for what you are going through, and I wish you peace moving forward. 

Edited March 14, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[paloma22]

5 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said:

I've said this on a bunch of threads... if you have sex on the first date... it's going to doom the relationship.  OK... I  know there are stories about people stay together for a long time after that event... but I'm guessing there are 100's that end shortly after.

From a quick read on both... he got what he needed... some physical attention after a 1.5 year dry spell.  You didn't see him for a long time after, and I'm sure he was fine with that.  You live 1.5 hrs apart... that makes it that much easier to not see you.

I'm really not trying to sound harsh... but that's just how it is.  You would have found out if he was serious about you... if you made him wait for a while. And in turn, avoided the anger and/or heartache.

I'm truly sorry for what you are going through, and I wish you peace moving forward. 

you misread - I HAD the dryspell, not him. In fact he said it had only been a month for him. I definitely did not plan to see him again - i was  going to use him for sex and move on bc i didn't think we connected on date 1. then we kept talking for 6 weeks while i was overseas, and made plans for when i was back. we got each other gifts- he bought me a beautiful wool sweater from his home town.

Yes we live 1.5 hours apart. makes it hard but not impossible. i didn't think it would result in a relationship but HE was the one trying to reassure me and wanting to see me again, even though i initially resisted. He got tested at my wishes. 

It all sort of dissipated after our last weekend date when he came down to visit me.

poof. it's over. 

i always blame myself but this is just ridiculous how much im hurting over this.

Edited March 14, 2020 by paloma22

[paloma22]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

But you were going to ditch him in another month anyway (from your other thread) so your "needs" are not actually needs.  

If you hate non communication and vagueness, stop having casual relationships with guys who aren't wanting a proper relationship with you.  You have choice and control here if you choose to use it.  

i would have probably seen him once more then established i wouldn't be seeing him until after my exams/if he was still around. he beat me to it. 

and im not sure how else i could have qualified him not wanting a proper relationship. i resisted seeing him again, and he was the one trying to reassure me he wasn't seeing others, etc. theres only so much you can ask - people lie!

also -im 32 and getting very tired of constant rejection and emotional abuse. i try to ask for what i want but i just get told what i wanna hear. i genuinely dont think ill ever find something stable and meeting my needs bc i am so damn insecure from constant reinforcement of this rejection.

Edited March 14, 2020 by paloma22

[chillii]

 

Same diff' you were gonna use him , nice . Well, using usually bites you back one way or another.

[simpycurious]

5 hours ago, paloma22 said:

i think im upset at how things ended more than anything. upset at myself for letting my current stress level translate into my text messages to him. he probably thinks im a needy nut job now and i hate that. wanted to be the cool girl even if im not. i like ending things w mutual respect.

If you want to be the "cool girl" then be the cool girl.  I think it's imperative that you realize and develop self worth.  Think of it like this, this guy is LUCKY that I am going out with him

you are the prize.  Now, I wouldn't be a jerk or anything of the sort but value yourself and who you are.  I like confident women (not cold women) but one's that are not emotional wrecks over NOTHING.  Have some confidence in the lady that you are.  I will bet if you display that then you will have more dates and attention than you can handle

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, paloma22 said:

i would have probably seen him once more then established i wouldn't be seeing him until after my exams/if he was still around. he beat me to it. 

Is it really that important who called it off? 

If so, you're placing far too much importance on you pride, girl.

[paloma22]

9 hours ago, simpycurious said:

If you want to be the "cool girl" then be the cool girl.  I think it's imperative that you realize and develop self worth.  Think of it like this, this guy is LUCKY that I am going out with him

you are the prize.  Now, I wouldn't be a jerk or anything of the sort but value yourself and who you are.  I like confident women (not cold women) but one's that are not emotional wrecks over NOTHING.  Have some confidence in the lady that you are.  I will bet if you display that then you will have more dates and attention than you can handle

I actually felt that way for awhile with him - he was lucky to be dating me. I also had another option which sort of flaked about a month ago. So I wasn't taking him all that seriously. Until I was. When he became the only option and he came to visit me, and we had sex yet again, went on a wine tour, i gained feelings. I think too i start showing some insecurities when i feel vulnerable, and i genuinely feel vulnerable in life right now (things are very up in the air with Covid atm - may not graduate, etc). So i essentially felt like i wanted to cling on to him via that text message. I wish i just kept my cool.

The other thing is ive done lots of stalking of this 'other woman' and was and still am convinced she's in the picture. and its traumatic for me bc ive been here so many times in the past, albeit with more serious relationships. but it doesnt make me feel any better to be essentially rejected for someone else. i have no proof but its my current theory and THAT is what's getting to me. plus i am upset i let myself get attached and show that.

 

--Also super petty - I posted a pic yesterday morning at breakfast and you can see there is a guys arms in the photo. It was a coffee date with a friend, but nobody knows that. He looked at it. It was essentially playing games but i didn't really care. Also - i accidentally liked a pic of 'the other woman' today as shes got a public profile, then immediately unliked it and blocked her. i hope she wont see it but ill bet she did. SO i really need to get off social media!

Edited March 14, 2020 by paloma22

[paloma22]

6 hours ago, paloma22 said:

I actually felt that way for awhile with him - he was lucky to be dating me. I also had another option which sort of flaked about a month ago. So I wasn't taking him all that seriously. Until I was. When he became the only option and he came to visit me, and we had sex yet again, went on a wine tour, i gained feelings. I think too i start showing some insecurities when i feel vulnerable, and i genuinely feel vulnerable in life right now (things are very up in the air with Covid atm - may not graduate, etc). So i essentially felt like i wanted to cling on to him via that text message. I wish i just kept my cool.

The other thing is ive done lots of stalking of this 'other woman' and was and still am convinced she's in the picture. and its traumatic for me bc ive been here so many times in the past, albeit with more serious relationships. but it doesnt make me feel any better to be essentially rejected for someone else. i have no proof but its my current theory and THAT is what's getting to me. plus i am upset i let myself get attached and show that.

 

--Also super petty - I posted a pic yesterday morning at breakfast and you can see there is a guys arms in the photo. It was a coffee date with a friend, but nobody knows that. He looked at it. It was essentially playing games but i didn't really care. Also - i accidentally liked a pic of 'the other woman' today as shes got a public profile, then immediately unliked it and blocked her. i hope she wont see it but ill bet she did. SO i really need to get off social media!

just re-read this and i sound super insecure, needy, etc. but nonetheless its my situation. its only really men and relationships that make me like this - normally im v independent and strong. but im also 80% done my career goals, in my early 30s, and my next 'life goal' is to find a partner, which i can never seem to do! my pattern is i keep a guys interest for 3-4 months, hes super into me i the beginning bc i come off as this amazing accomplished person, but then they lose interest when my insecurities show. what gives.

any advice on getting over someone FAST? im still mad.

[Mystery4u]

54 minutes ago, paloma22 said:

 

any advice on getting over someone FAST? im still mad.

Delete his number and any contact info. Delete him from all social media. Why is he even able to view your pictures? You need him completely out of your life if you want to get over him. If you can't help stalking him and this other girl then delete or deactivate your social media accounts until you are in a better place.

You need to learn from your mistakes. All that happened with this guy, a lot was due to the decisions you made. You say your next life goal is to find a partner, but then with him you say you just wanted it to be a one time physical thing but ended up getting feelings. You need to make your mind up what exactly it is you want.

If it's to find true love with a lifelong partner then firstly do not have sex on the first date. You need to value yourself a lot more. As mentioned you are the PRIZE here. You need to make sure any man who is allowed to be intimate with you actually deserves it. You can't work that out after one date. Every woman I have slept with on the first day of meeting her, was immediately placed in the 'never going to be my wifey' list. Go out on a few dates, get to know each other, behaviours, goals, values. Evaluate his actions. If that connection is there, the physical side will come naturally. You will soon find out who is looking for true love and who is looking for a bit of fun until the next one comes along.

Secondly when you do meet someone you like, there is no point playing games or beating around the bush. Be honest with yourself and with him. A relationship is a two way thing. It needs both partners to feel the same about each other, otherwise expectations will not be met and it will end up with disappointment. You stated that "I felt i couldn't really ask for exclusivities" because of your exams and you were leaving for a few months in July. That sounds like the PERFECT time to ask to be exclusive. You were already sleeping with each other, had met family and friends, were communicating regularly etc, basically as though you were bf/gf. It was the time to decide is this relationship is going somewhere or do we say thank you and good bye. You clearly had feelings, but just telling him to tell you if he sleeps with another girl was the wrong move. It made it look like you are happy to be his bit on the side, not the PRIZE that he values so much that he would never even consider sleeping with someone else. Do you really want to be in a long distance 'relationship' with someone who is not your boyfriend, so he has no obligation to keep you up to date with his daily activities, no obligation to not talk or sleep with other girls, no obligation to meet up with you? Do you see how low value this looks? I think you didn't ask for exclusivity because you were afraid of rejection and didn't want to lose him. Is it not better to ask the question so you have your answer? If the answer was 'no sorry I don't want to be exclusive' then you could have ended it on your terms, knowing he does not feel the same about you as you do about him, as opposed to what actually happened, where you have lost him anyway but also feel like **** now.

You need to look after #1. Yourself.

And time will help you get over him, I promise you that. One day you will find someone who appreciates you for you.