Trust issues - Can I trust my new guy?

[paloma22]

I'm seeing someone new after a very unconventional start for me. I slept with this guy on the first date, before the holidays, thinking I would not see him again. I did it bc I had not had sex in 1.5 years, and I wanted to get it out of my system. I had also just ended things with a man who had put off getting tested for STIs for ages, and I unceremoniously ended it with him, much to my self doubt if it was the correct decision.

Fast forward and we talked during the entire break I was away (5 weeks) and we each brought each other gifts from our home towns. He lives 1.5 hours away from me, so to date we have only had two officials other dates, one of which involved me staying at his place, meeting his brother and gf, going to an art show, go karting with his brother/gf and dinner/brunch. It was a 24 hour date if you will. Next date was this past weekend, he came to spend the weekend here, we went on a wine tour, as well as dinner/brunches out. We've been having sex, and after asking him to get tested, he DID and even sent me the results (I work in HC and can interpret them). 

I am entering my final year exams for my program and will soon be leaving for several months in july, so I felt i couldn't really ask for exclusivities. What I DID ask for was that he tell me if he begins to sleep with another woman. He told me he would. Especially bc we are not using condoms (I use other protection and track my cycles, but ..im starting to reconsider this)

The thing is I have trust issues from past relationships and I know he follows this one girl on IG and likes her photos constantly (even this weekend). One time I stalked her stories anonymously, and she had tagged him at a pool. No i do not think they are just friends. But I have no proof. SO, is he f***ing with me? 

He is supposed to come up and see me again in a few weeks time. I suggested coming to him to see what he'd say and he said i could he just thought this would be easier with my study schedule.

This seems to be another case of 'all men lie' but Im trying to not jump to conclusions when so far he's done nothing directly wrong.

Edited March 3, 2020 by paloma22

[Backinthesaddleagain]

Sounds like he has been honest with you and likes you enough to get the requested testing, which costs time and money. Since you are not exclusive, you have no right to be jealous of any instachat or snapgram chicks. You asked him to let you know if he sleeps with someone else, which he agreed. This "relationship" has started off in an unconventional way, and you said yourself you have issues and baggage from your past. Sounds like a rocky road ahead for you both. And the comment "This seems to be another case of 'all men lie'" is ridiculous. Men AND women lie, quit being sexist and childish.

[paloma22]

Im not saying women and men both dont lie, of course they do. Ive just had a serial array of men that lie and its made me grow very doubting in relationships, although i am trying as i may to be more forgiving and trusting and less speculative. Its just hard. Yes things didn't exactly start unconventionally. We are both in our early 30s and live very busy very different lives and careers so please dont think i am saying these things immaturely.  I truly speak from experience but i still do my best to overcome those experiences, which is why ive agreed to keep things the way they are. I want to be exclusive with him, but it seems unrealistic given life at this stage and how often we can see each other. as long as hes exclusive sexually (until hes not), that seems a reasonable ask.

[Backinthesaddleagain]

4 minutes ago, paloma22 said:

Im not saying women and men both dont lie, of course they do. Ive just had a serial array of men that lie and its made me grow very doubting in relationships, although i am trying as i may to be more forgiving and trusting and less speculative. Its just hard. Yes things didn't exactly start unconventionally. We are both in our early 30s and live very busy very different lives and careers so please dont think i am saying these things immaturely.  I truly speak from experience but i still do my best to overcome those experiences, which is why ive agreed to keep things the way they are. I want to be exclusive with him, but it seems unrealistic given life at this stage and how often we can see each other. as long as hes exclusive sexually (until hes not), that seems a reasonable ask.

Ok, fair enough. But this arrangement is going to get awkward when you develop feelings, and he tells you he had sex with someone else. Or vice versa. You already asked us if he is "f***ing with you"... which is weird considering you aren't an official couple. Just wait until one of you starts to feel something, then one of you will really feel like you have been f***ed with. You've been warned.

[paloma22]

Ok but really the only solution is to ask for exclusivity and its only really been 3 dates (albeit weekend long dates but still). wont asking for exclusivity now just ruin things?

[Backinthesaddleagain]

13 minutes ago, paloma22 said:

Ok but really the only solution is to ask for exclusivity and its only really been 3 dates (albeit weekend long dates but still). wont asking for exclusivity now just ruin things?

It sounds like you guys hit it off right away and are enjoying each others company. You are already concerned if he is messing with you, so it appears that you like him quite a bit. Who cares if it's been 3 dates or 30? To put the brakes on now will almost certainly ruin things, especially after your hot and heavy start. Why not be honest and tell him that you would like to be exclusive but are concerned about the limited time you will have to spend together? See where he stands and go from there. If this doesnt work out, learn from it and take it slower with the next one. Some guys can handle an exclusive relationship and not have to hang out all the time, especially if they are busy and have a life of their own. You are in your 30s so it's not like he is a 20 year old boy that is looking to plow any field without a fence. It sounds like you want the best of both worlds, but I can almost guarantee this will blow up in your face if you start back tracking.

If you like him, take a chance! 

[paloma22]

22 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

. It sounds like you want the best of both worlds, but I can almost guarantee this will blow up in your face if you start back tracking.

If you like him, take a chance! 

 i think you are right but can you clarify what you mean by this? that i want best of both worlds but if i back track it will blow up? 

and yea  i guess i do like him now. i just dont know if i can trust him. i tend to get emotionally invested w people i sleep with, hence the predicament. i originally meant to sleep w him ONCE and move on, yet here we are.

Edited March 3, 2020 by paloma22

[Backinthesaddleagain]

36 minutes ago, paloma22 said:

 i think you are right but can you clarify what you mean by this? that i want best of both worlds but if i back track it will blow up? 

and yea  i guess i do like him now. i just dont know if i can trust him. i tend to get emotionally invested w people i sleep with, hence the predicament. i originally meant to sleep w him ONCE and move on, yet here we are.

Yes the best of both worlds where you can be "exclusive" but not really. In your mind this is guarding your heart, but it is going to backfire if/when he comes to you and tells you he slept with someone- and you have feelings for him. Or if you do the same to him.

As far as trust goes, you have no choice in life but to trust people until they give you a reason not to (unless you enjoy being cynical, jaded, and bitter). If you put up walls and are always guarded, truly good catches will usually run from this behavior, while the riff raff will stick around trying to break into the castle. You attract what vibes you put off, so stay positive.

And lastly, if you get always get emotionally attached with people you sleep with, you should refrain from doing that. Sex toys, porn, etc. would be better than a bunch of half assed relationships that are over before they start.

Good luck

[paloma22]

5 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

 

And lastly, if you get always get emotionally attached with people you sleep with, you should refrain from doing that. Sex toys, porn, etc. would be better than a bunch of half assed relationships that are over before they start.

Good luck

i actually dont know if i agree with this bc i refrained from sex in my last relationship of 4 months and ended things regardless bc it seemed the spark faded and he kept putting off getting tested. it didn't make ending things any easier really. 

[Backinthesaddleagain]

6 hours ago, paloma22 said:

i actually dont know if i agree with this bc i refrained from sex in my last relationship of 4 months and ended things regardless bc it seemed the spark faded and he kept putting off getting tested. it didn't make ending things any easier really. 

I don't mean not have sex with someone you're seeing, just don't have sex with them the first time you meet! You have heard about condoms I'm sure!! This way you can have sex without making them go through the STD test process, which seems very awkward until you get a little closer to one another and decide to do that.

[Fletch Lives]

If you have trust issues, you should talk to a counselor about it. 

[Allupinnit]

Oh boy.  @Backinthesaddleagain is right.  Very few people can successfully pull off a true FWB sitch because we aren't wired that way.  You're already trying to move the goalposts and wonder if you can trust him to tell you THAT HE'S SLEEPING WITH OTHER WOMEN.  

Just let that statement sink in and truly ask yourself if this is what your heart wants.  Women often lie to themselves and think they can keep things casual because having the dude around in any capacity is better than not at all.

If you like him, tell him.  I would tell him what you've said here - I thought this would be a one night stand but here we are and it turns out I really like you.  How do you feel?  If he isn't reassuring or reciprocal then you have your answer.  Just don't lie to yourself - you WILL get heartbroken.

[Miss Spider]

Wait so you ended it with a guy for putting off getting an STD test then had unprotected sex with a random guy on the first date... xD Obviously I’m missing a big part of the story here.

 

Edited March 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Miss Spider]

Yes I was missing a big part. Sorry. I’m assuming it became unprotected after you got his results. 
 

I would suggest that someone who seems so diligent about their sexual health not put it in the hands of someone they don’t feel they can trust. And rightfully so. I wouldn’t trust a guy I was not exclusive with to not sleep with others either ! 

[dramallama]

I can identify with you, in that I agreed to meet a guy who lived 90 mins away because he seemed special, and having discussed with my friend strategies to avoid being tempted to sleep with him on the first date, damn there was an intense click and I did. Whoops. 

He's gorgeous, a music producer working in TV, lots of beautiful and talented/wannabe dancers, singers, models etc orbiting on social media.

Blimey it's taken some nerves of steel but we talked deeply enough from the off that I felt I could trust him and *chose* to do so. On date 3 (prob 3 weeks in) he told me he'd got rid of tinder.

We've been having pretty much monthly deep and meaningfuls about 'what is this, where are we going' since new year. We've been seeing each other 6 months now and it gets better and better. It's a slow burn, but it's working, I'm *so* happy and I know if it ends it'll be respectfully and sensitively done for the right reasons. 

So! These things *can* work out, but you need HONEST, OPEN, DEEP communication from the off, especially with distance.  You can deeply and honestly communicate things that prick the ego and it not be hurtful overall, if you can communicate. 

Good luck from someone who has made similar choices and is having a lovely time 🙂

[d0nnivain]

You broke up with a long term BF because he wouldn't get tested but you let a ONS with whom you have now had sex with 2x go without a condom.  Honey you can't trust yourself.  That is a very bad decision.  

[paloma22]

12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You broke up with a long term BF because he wouldn't get tested but you let a ONS with whom you have now had sex with 2x go without a condom.  Honey you can't trust yourself.  That is a very bad decision.  

context is required here. my ex was still married,/seperated, it wasn't going anywhere. this new guy is not married. and we used a condom up until his results came back. i also track my cycles and use a back up method. im not an idiot! 

[paloma22]

UPDATE- its been 2 weeks since I last saw him - in that time we've chatted on and off but generally I've had zero idea who he's been seeing, what hes been doing etc. Finally the other day after he asked me a couple of random pointless Qs about work and if ide yet drunk the bottle of wine from the tour, I came out and asked if he could mail me my umbrella which I left at his place last time. He said he would - thought this would be an opportunity to make plans w me. When he didn't, I said "are we going to make plans or we just going to text fluff" - this was a very abrupt statement but I was getting tired of being strung along. 

He took a day to reply and said "I just can't right now sorry." then 10 minutes later said "t’s not you - something has happened that I need to deal with one way or another and I am struggling to deal with that plus work." 

pretty sure hes doing someone else and its a cop out. I'm pretty angry. i replied with a simple 'sure - hope it works out' and that's that.

this was all over instagram so now the Q is do i delete him; ive already deleted his number but most of our communication is via ig. ill prob delete the app anyways for my upcoming exams. I realize this was going nowhere but I am upset regardless. I wanted to end things on my terms and he beat me to it. Feeling frustrated and don't want to feel like an option yet i do. 

Would appreciate some thoughts or comments

[paloma22]

UPDATE from thread on Can I trust my new guy- In simple terms, 3 months later and my casual relationship that seemed to start off promising despite sex on the first date, has ended:

Its been 2 weeks since I last saw him - in that time we've chatted on and off but generally I've had zero idea who he's been seeing, what hes been doing etc. Finally the other day after he asked me a couple of random pointless Qs about work and if ide yet drunk the bottle of wine from the tour, I came out and asked if he could mail me my umbrella which I left at his place last time. He said he would - thought this would be an opportunity to make plans w me. When he didn't, I said "are we going to make plans or we just going to text fluff" - this was a very abrupt statement but I was getting tired of being strung along. 

He took a day to reply and said "I just can't right now sorry." then 10 minutes later said "t’s not you - something has happened that I need to deal with one way or another and I am struggling to deal with that plus work." 

pretty sure hes doing someone else and its a cop out. I'm pretty angry. i replied with a simple 'sure - hope it works out' and that's that.

this was all over instagram so now the Q is do i delete him; ive already deleted his number but most of our communication is via ig. ill prob delete the app anyways for my upcoming exams. I realize this was going nowhere but I am upset regardless. I wanted to end things on my terms and he beat me to it. Feeling frustrated and don't want to feel like an option yet i do. 

I knew he was dating others bc i anonymously saw on this other girls public post he follows/she tagged him a few weeks back at a pool. So i  have a feeling he is now seeing her exclusively or wants to try but doesn't have the balls to tell me.

Our only agreement is if he started having sex w someone else he would tell me - as we were in a ways sexually exclusive once he got tested.

Would appreciate some thoughts or comments as i'm feeling sorry for my constantly failing short relationships and I didn't want to be disrespected.

Once again I feel like I am always the option until something better comes along.

[basil67]

I'm so sorry Paloma.   But honestly, if it's still casual after three months in, then a relationship is not looking promising.  It sounds like you're accepting scraps and hoping they turn into more.

[paloma22]

12 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm so sorry Paloma.   But honestly, if it's still casual after three months in, then a relationship is not looking promising.  It sounds like you're accepting scraps and hoping they turn into more.

it started casual - sex on date 1 and wasn't planning on seeing the guy again. then i was away for 6 weeks. but chatted the entire time and brought each other Christmas gifts - he tried to reassure me to have faith in what it was, so i gave the guy a chance (ie i told him i was using him on date 1 to get over an ex, and was sexually frustrated ie hadn't had sex in 1.5 years). he even got tested at my request so i knew he was clean. 

we've seen each other 2 weekends in about a month since ive been back at end of january. i live 1.5 hours away from him.  either way, he clearly isn't interested anymore despite discussions even in our last weekend date (2 weeks ago) of the future. im just upset and wish i walked away myself or hadn't caught feels.

does his text message suggest someone else? 

Edited March 14, 2020 by paloma22

[basil67]

His text message underscores that you know little of his life and that he doesn't want to share it with you.  It further indicates that it's a very casual thing you've got going on with him.  While probably is seeing other women, his text doesn't hint at it.  

What confuses me is why you think that telling him you were using him on date one equates to giving him a chance.  I think that statement told him that he's a casual thing only.   Getting tested for STDs is something everyone who's sexually active outside of a monogamous relationship should do from time to time, so it doesn't mean anything more than him looking after his health.

[paloma22]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

His text message underscores that you know little of his life and that he doesn't want to share it with you.  It further indicates that it's a very casual thing you've got going on with him.  While probably is seeing other women, his text doesn't hint at it.  

What confuses me is why you think that telling him you were using him on date one equates to giving him a chance.  I think that statement told him that he's a casual thing only.   Getting tested for STDs is something everyone who's sexually active outside of a monogamous relationship should do from time to time, so it doesn't mean anything more than him looking after his health.

I think i meant that comment in that I told him I wasn't planning on seeing him again - on date1 i found him a bit arrogant but also very attractive and wanted to sleep with him. but arrogance is a turnoff. over time i dont actually think hes that arrogant, but its like he wanted to prove he could get my interest or something which is why he wanted to pursue me past our date 1 ONS. Now that he knows im interested - bets are off and it's over.

[manfrombelow2]

Maybe, maybe not. What really matters is that he does not want to be with you. Focus on that.

[basil67]

I really doubt it's so complicated.  My bet is still that he saw the two of you as casual only.   If it was going to be more, it would have escalated.

Sorry.   Perhaps others will give different opinions.