Hybrid Meteora Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 How long do you wait to be asked? It's been a week since I i lnitiated the conversation on a dating app. It was a simple one line referring to something in his pics. I'm very reluctant to initiate but I was in the whatever type of mood. He seems interested, but I know better than to assume. He asks me questions about myself and my interests. When the conversation died (I didn't reply to a dead end comment) he initiated, not the next day but the day after. All good. He seems to mirror my pace. I take a few hours during the day and he does the same. I take less in the evening, he does the the same. Not sure why that is? No talk about meeting or asking for my number. He lives approx an hour drive, maybe a bit less, I don't know if that's a factor, but surely he could still set something up. Not sure what to think, but I know I'm not willing to ask him out myself for a few reasons. I reply to him, I show interest and ask him questions, I believe his next step is asking me out right? Maybe I will hint "do you come to my city often?" that should do it right? His last msg tonight was kinda sweet (but could still be read as just friendly, neither of us have really been flirty or complimentary particularly) but I'm not sure I'm going to reply, as I'm not sure what to say to it and I just want him to ask me out dammit!!! Am I wasting my time?
snowboy91 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Why don't you ask him out if you're interested? 1 2
Author Hybrid Meteora Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 6 minutes ago, snowboy91 said: Why don't you ask him out if you're interested? Haha would a woman have to if you were interested in her? 1
basil67 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 I'm a woman and have asked men out before. If you want something, go for it. 1 1
snowboy91 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 5 minutes ago, Hybrid Meteora said: Haha would a woman have to if you were interested in her? If I was interested in someone, I would ask them out. Why would you miss out on someone you're interested in just because "the guy does the asking"? If it works out and you're together long term, no-one cares who asked who out on day one.
Author Hybrid Meteora Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 I really don't want to set up that kind of dynamic. Which is one of the reasons I wouldn't usually initiate. If he hadn't shown interest back by asking questions and initiating the second conversation, I would have dropped it right away. I'm willing to hint once, but I don't like it! 3 1
Miss Spider Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 8 minutes ago, Hybrid Meteora said: 30-40 miles apart. Hmm. That’s not too far. I would say his interest is not that high. I normally wait a few back and forth exchanges with each person. I can’t talk to someone for days and weeks on a dating app with no meeting. It just seems like a waste of time to me, Also, I would not ask him out. I think with a handful of exceptions, it’s not advantageous for a woman to chase a man, at the beginning especially. Go for the guys who ask you out
Author Hybrid Meteora Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: I think with a handful of exceptions, it’s not advantageous for a woman to chase a man, at the beginning especially. Totally agree. There are also many men that will entertain a woman chasing just in hopes of easy sex. 5 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 He is taking advantage of the pace of communication because he is communicating with other women. You are not his priority. If you strike the first blow, see how he responds. Ask him for a date, time, location, etc. and see if he balks and note how long it takes him to respond. If he doesn't respond in a 'timely' manner, he is probably waiting for a response from someone else before committing to you. 1 1
CollinW Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 6 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Also, I would not ask him out. I think with a handful of exceptions, it’s not advantageous for a woman to chase a man, at the beginning especially. Go for the guys who ask you out It's not advantageous for anyone to chase anyone at the beginning, but if you're a coward then you'll make excuses even if you're a woman. Taking initiative in all areas in life are beneficial. 1 2
Miss Spider Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) Disagree. Men are socialized in my culture to ask women out when they are interested. If you approach or chase a man as a woman, you open yourself up to a high likelihood of the guy accepting out of interest of the novel situation itself/ego stroke then having it fade out.. Another possibility as OP mentioned is that since guys will often lower their standards for easy sex, and a woman breaking convention to ask them out will be seen as easy(not necessarily sexually, just in general because their interest is high enough to do that), they may accept just to get laid, It is different than when a man who is expected to do it does it. There are other disadvantages. That’s just 2. Ultimately, men know what to do. Though there are cases when they are too fearful or don’t have the opportunity to do it, that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Op and her guy mutually matched on a dating site, have been talking for at least a week, and she has shown sufficient interest. If he wanted a date, he would ask for one. Most likely he is expending other options at the moment, while he keeps her on the hook via text. Not unusual at all. If she chases him, he may accept, but not out of a genuine high interest to meet her. Have read several examples on the forum of women taking initiative when the man was passive and it never ends well. Edited March 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough 3 3
justwhoiam Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 7 hours ago, Hybrid Meteora said: How long do you wait to be asked? At times things are not as linear as you'd wish. You can get asked right away, or after 6 months, it all depends on what's going on in people's lives. At times you hear from someone you would have thought had forgotten about you. A guy probably won't ask you out if you're second choice but also if he thinks you're out of his league. Quote He seems to mirror my pace. I take a few hours during the day and he does the same. I take less in the evening, he does the the same. Not sure why that is? Well, I guess he's working during the day? While in the evening he has more time to look at his phone? It just seems normal. Quote I reply to him, I show interest and ask him questions, I believe his next step is asking me out right? No. That could happen or not. Stop feeding his ego. Act cold. He'll notice the change. If he's interested, he'll wonder why. If he moves on, you were just entertainment. Quote Maybe I will hint "do you come to my city often?" that should do it right? I'd wait a bit more to ask such a question. Especially if there's no talking about your city. If he voluntarily comes up with something about your city, then that's your link to ask the question or understand how well he knows it. Or even better, throw there a comment without asking a question, like: "You seem to know my city pretty well, looks like you lived here." And then see how he responds to that. Quote His last msg tonight was kinda sweet (but could still be read as just friendly, neither of us have really been flirty or complimentary particularly) I have no idea what you're talking about. If you feel like sharing, I'll say what I think. Quote Am I wasting my time? Maybe. Back off a bit. You gave it out you're eager. 1
Allupinnit Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) It's never ended well for me, either. Men aren't stupid and they know what to do. I've had men tell me they even get turned off a little when the girl sends her number unprompted or asks the guy out. A week is long enough to chat. I'd move on to someone more interested. Edited March 3, 2020 by Allupinnit
Fletch Lives Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 7 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Disagree. Men are socialized in my culture to ask women out when they are interested. If you approach or chase a man as a woman, you open yourself up to a high likelihood of the guy accepting out of interest of the novel situation itself/ego stroke then having it fade out.. Another possibility as OP mentioned is that since guys will often lower their standards for easy sex, and a woman breaking convention to ask them out will be seen as easy(not necessarily sexually, just in general because their interest is high enough to do that), they may accept just to get laid, It is different than when a man who is expected to do it does it. There are other disadvantages. That’s just 2. Ultimately, men know what to do. Though there are cases when they are too fearful or don’t have the opportunity to do it, that doesn’t seem to be the case here. Op and her guy mutually matched on a dating site, have been talking for at least a week, and she has shown sufficient interest. If he wanted a date, he would ask for one. Most likely he is expending other options at the moment, while he keeps her on the hook via text. Not unusual at all. If she chases him, he may accept, but not out of a genuine high interest to meet her. Have read several examples on the forum of women taking initiative when the man was passive and it never ends well. - That's a lot of assumptions. I will say I think it's better for women to wait for the guy to ask - because most men do, and that reduces rejection for the woman. If the guy does not make a move within two or three days on a dating site, move on. 1 1
CollinW Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 7 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Men are socialized in my culture to ask women out when they are interested. If you approach or chase a man as a woman, you open yourself up to a high likelihood of the guy accepting out of interest of the novel situation itself/ego stroke then having it fade out Women are supposedly socialized to be baby factories and cater to men, but apparently there is a push to break out of those old stereotypes. The idea that you open yourself up to being used is a poor excuse as it applies to men also. There are plenty of women out there looking to waste men's time and money for free food, entertainment and attention and men are expected to endure. 7 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: Have read several examples on the forum of women taking initiative when the man was passive and it never ends well Do you think there aren't any examples of men taking initiative and it not ending well. This fallacy kills me. I'm sure there are plenty stories of men doing everything "right" and everything still turns to s*** are there not? I guess the difference is its easier to swallow when you did no work? 6 1
smackie9 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 I believe it all depends on individual. I had positive results asking guys out. Only one rejection because I was smoker at the time...fair enough, didn't break my heart. 1 2
Miss Spider Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) Reasonable assumptions based on what I’ve seen/heard Never said women can’t break convention. They can and they do. I simply pointed out the convention still exists, most people know it exists, and that asymmetry alone puts women at a disadvantage. Both people can be used during the dating process, but only one is more likely to be used because they asked the other out. Explained why. Again, never said men don’t get rejected or have bad relationships. I said that I’ve been on these boards awhile and when women have asked men out on dates when they were being passive like this guy, it never ends well. They might get the date, but it fizzles or something else. Just saying that is what I have seen. Only thing that’s really fallacious is the argument you’ve built here. Edited March 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
SumGuy Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 14 hours ago, Hybrid Meteora said: I really don't want to set up that kind of dynamic. Which is one of the reasons I wouldn't usually initiate. If he hadn't shown interest back by asking questions and initiating the second conversation, I would have dropped it right away. I'm willing to hint once, but I don't like it! It’s fine if you don’t like it, but what sort of dynamic are you worried about setting up? Sounds just like an open adult communication dynamic. That’s a dynamic that usually contributes to long lasting relationships. Now you may be interested in men that are put off by women who ask, if that’s the case then don’t ask. 1
SumGuy Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 One other observation, if you are using when he asks or if he will asks as a filter then ask yourself what you are filtering for. Ask yourself if a man with all sorts of traits you don’t want could pass this test, and ask yourself if a man you do want could fail this test yet pass far more important ones. I’m not saying put your life on hold for this guy, but there is likely a wide world of men you’d want who could be slow (1 week) in the asking. Players and men only interested in sex never fail to ask soon. It’s only the crude and unsuccessful ones who open with a let’s have sex line.
Allupinnit Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 I guess some of the guys here will chime in and say they're cool with it, but in reality (and in your case, too) it rarely shakes out that he's keen if you've already waited a week and THEN have to ask him out. Some women are fine pursuing - I am not and I don't think you are, either. And that's ok. I prefer the same dynamic that you do. 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 I just have to roll my eyes when I see both men and women make generalizations, and then give their anecdotal accounts of how it 'always' goes south 'when I do this or that', etc. Obviously men and women are naturally different in certain areas, but we are all human and most of us have the same end goal- we want to be happy. Everyone says they want equality, but really most people want equality---> when it suits them. Quit with the games already. Do you like someone? Grow a pair, and go after what you want in life. The people who are scared of rejection, worried about cultural norms, and all that garbage end up alone, working at McDonald's, and wondering why their life sucks. You want a better partner? A better job? A better life? Happiness? It's not going to jump in your lap. Successful people go after what they want, so get out there and make it happen! .... ...Buuuuuut with all that said, it doesn't look like this guy is into you. You said yourself that the conversation died, and after that it sounds to me like it's a wrap. Personally, when I match with someone on a dating app, we usually text back and forth for a bit. If the convo flows well and they seem cool, I will ask them out on a date during that initial contact. I schedule the date ASAP, and then text casually until the meetup. Look for what you want, be confident, and go get it girl! 2 1
Allupinnit Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 I disagree. I didn't have to chase my H. You can't use logic to argue with what is hardwired into men and women. It's not a game - it's been the natural way of things. And I certainly don't work at McDonald's.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) Hard-wired...biological...cultural...all these things are terms that are and have been mad mutable over the many hundreds of thousands of years of human existence. Women, some, DO ask men. SO much for hard-wired and biological. Cultural...pfft. Only until it isn't. There's a difference between what is expected and what one chooses to do for oneself regardless of what cultural or social mechanisms are in place. I have had many women ask me out first. I think that is cool, not because it is unnatural, rather, because it bucks the silly social norms and it is not common. OP, asking for the first time is not 'chasing.' Ask once, wait, and move on from there. NO CHASE. Chasing, in my mind, is a lot more persistent and I would never do that, nor should any person (man or woman) 'chase' someone. If the OP is okay waiting for the move to be made by the guy, regardless of how long it takes, ok, but that sounds like a puppy waiting for her master to come home. Let's say he finally makes the move a month down the line....very likely after tried other ladies of higher priority... how would the OP feel that she was 2nd or 3rd or 4th best? AND having waited like some love-sick puppy? Ugh. I say take control. Put the ball in his court. So innocent. Edited March 3, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 3 1
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