PassionatelyCurious Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Ok, so started dating someone a few weeks ago and really frustrated with something. We knew each other for a couple months prior (co-workers), and had such a strong connection that we have spent every day together ever since our first date. While things are still fairly new, we are exclusive and taking it VERY seriously (already met the kids, family, etc.). She is VERY attractive. As such, she has men flirting with her pretty much constantly. Now, I'm not the jealous the type. However, rather than telling them she is taken, she just blows them off (at least when I am around). So, multiple men just keep trying to text and call her trying to date her, because they don't even know she is taken. I brought it up as an issue and she finally just started telling *some* of the men. Since she is still fairly new at work, we haven't "announced" it to everyone we know there yet. It really bothers me that her go to was to just ignore them instead of flat out rejecting them. Like some of them are other co-workers, so she is all nice to them at work, but then blows them off outside of work. From my perspective, she is giving them mixed signals, and this is confirmed in the fact that they just keep pursuing. Makes me feel like she is trying to keep her options open. She claimed it's the easiest way to get rid of someone she isn't interested in. However, I find it very hard to believe that she actually thinks that. She is very intelligent, one of the many things I liked about her. And she saw firsthand how these guys keep pursuing her when she ignores them, hoping to eventually get a reply. This morning, the incident ended up causing us problems at work. One of the guys that likes her at work ended up switching to our team. He strolls up to her, gives her a hug, a kiss on the cheek, and is flat out flirting with her. While at work, she is all smiley and friendly with him, but then once she is out of work, he blows her phone up and she doesn't answer or reply - at least not when I'm around. I told her it needs to stop, and she claimed she already told him she had a boyfriend, but would tell him again. I knew it was a lie and that she hadn't told him yet. She wrote him a note shortly after the lie and gave it to him. She later admitted that she hadn't told him yet, but "thought he already knew," even though she never once told him and knew she was lying to me. I'm not sure how to deal with this. I feel like she is trying to keep her options open, and the lying thing was a HUGE issue to me, as she knows lying is my biggest deal-breaker in relationships. I don't know what to do. I'm tempted to walk away at this point, as I feel like she is intentionally trying to keep her options open and has no qualms lying to me. Could use some advice here.
Uptown182 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 IMO as long as she’s turning these guys down it shouldn’t really matter if she’s telling them she has a boyfriend or not especially since you guys have only been dating a few weeks. 2
d0nnivain Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 I think you feel uncertain. I can understand her unwillingness to announce her personal business at work. Once she says No to a guy, why she said no shouldn't matter. No means no. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Seems fishy.. Why would she not tell them, because in my experience, the easiest way to politely turn a guy down is to tell them you have a bf. That way, they don’t take it personally. Not saying it’s always a deterrent, but why not say that since it is the case? Hm 4
Ruby Slippers Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Why do all these men have her personal phone number? 11 2
snowboy91 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 I get the feeling that it's not so much that she's keeping her options open, but she's enjoying the ego boost. By telling them she has a BF, she closes off that avenue to feed her ego. While it's still not as bad as it could be, it's still not good. I'd see what happens when you announce your relationship to the rest of your coworkers - I know some people aren't all that happy to share that info at work, but it may be necessary. 2
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) And this is why you don't date coworkers. This is her day to day life. Attractive women always get approached, may it be at work, in the store, getting gas, etc. Whether she tells them she is taken or not, they will always hit on her, flirt with her....she's hot, she will always get this attention unless you make her wear a bag over her head. It's easier to ignore or blow them off rather than repeat herself like a parrot at every turn that she has a BF. It is what it is. The thing is, if you don't like it, dump her. If you feel she doesn't value you, dump her, If you think she's all in for the attention, dump her. Edited March 2, 2020 by smackie9 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 32 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: Why do all these men have her personal phone number? That would be my question as well. She sounds kinda shady, and definitely an attention seeking girl. The easiest way for her to back off men is to ignore? Haha no, the easiest way is to block the number, or say you're taken, and then block. She is definitely leaving her options open in case things don't work out with you. If she was cool, she would invest into you, and then if things didn't work, talk to the other guys again. 4 1
Interstellar Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) Did she ask you to be the boyfriend? let me guess you’re the one who brought it up first huh? You should’ve waited for her to bring up the subject then ask her if she still keeps in touch with any exes. Now if they’re her coworkers she can’t really blow them off, it’s good that she’s ignoring them and giving them mixed signals all classic signs of low interest level; because she has to be nice and cordial to them since she’s still gonna see them every day at work. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. She lied to you to protect your feelings because she knows you’ll be angry. I’d call it a white lie. Like I said, she has to be nice to these people since they’re coworkers. What I would do is take her out, apologize for accusing her of lying, be quiet about your insecurities and hang ups but be aware and watch her like a hawk. Until you got concrete evidence and this becomes a consistent pattern of behavior you can’t condemn the girl. And since she’s very beautiful she will always get hit on. You want someone that won’t get hit on? Date the homely girl down the street. Edited March 2, 2020 by Interstellar 1 1
Miss Spider Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) 5 minutes ago, Interstellar said: Did she ask you to be the boyfriend? let me guess you’re the one who brought it up first huh? You should’ve waited for her to bring up the subject then ask her if she still keeps in touch with any exes. Now if they’re her coworkers she can’t really blow them off, it’s good that she’s ignoring them and giving them mixed signals all classic signs of low interest level; because she has to be nice and cordial to them since she’s still gonna see them every day at work. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt. She lied to you to protect your feelings because she knows you’ll be angry. I’d call it a white lie. Like I said, she has to be nice to these people since they’re coworkers. What I would do is take her out, apologize for accusing her of lying, be quiet about your insecurities and hang ups but be aware and watch her like a hawk. Until you got concrete evidence and this becomes a consistent pattern of you can’t condemn the girl. And since she’s very beautiful she will always get hit on. You want someone that won’t get hit on? Date the homely girl down the block. Yeah she will but a girl who cares about her relationship and respects the guy she’s with wouldn’t be entertaining thirsty guys like this. It’s not that hard to say you have a bf and block. Edited March 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough 4
Interstellar Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Just now, Cookiesandough said: Yeah she will but a girl who cares about her relationship and respects the guy she’s with wouldn’t be entertaining thirsty guys like this. It’s not that hard to say you have a bf and block Oh, okay. I agree she should block them. 1 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) Well, this is one of the reasons you date before marrying. You're seeing how compatible the two of you are about a lot of things. I do think it's possible for a very attractive, even beautiful woman, to be professional and keep men at bay in a work situation even if you don't have a bf. I don't believe a woman who is hot, or beautiful is always going to get hit on. There are ways a woman can carry herself, dress, and control that most of the time although there will always be creeps who will try to break down boundaries. However, most men will respect a woman who carries herself in such a way to demand professionalism. It's called being dignified. Another term for it is classy.This can be done while being friendly. And it can be learned but not taught by a bf. Your gf has to want to learn this. If a beautiful woman doubts this I would suggest it's possible she hasn't learned how to dress both flatteringly and attractively, while being modest. I've seen many who complain about getting hit on who are dressed seductively and don't even realize it. I believe the more self esteem a woman has, the less of this type thing (inappropriate flirtations) she'll put up with, single or coupled. You may think your gf has high self esteem. But, that's not the same thing as knowing you're beautiful, or hot, intelligent, have a lot to offer, etc. There are many gorgeous women who have low self esteem just as there are average ones who do. A lot of having high self esteem is related to how you were treated by your parents growing up more than it is about how you appear. Or how much you've healed from being ignored or mistreated growing up. Mistreatment doesn't have to be what we commonly consider abuse, it can be neglect, or disrespect in subtle ways. Not saying your gf has low self esteem. It's just something to think about. Also, when a person has high self esteem (not talking about arrogance or pride) they often are more respectful of others. In that a woman with high self esteem would show respect to someone she dates by not being available to allow men hugging on her and being flirtatious, etc., I don't think this is something you can teach your gf by asking her to allow less flirtation. It's something she has to grow into, IMO. One of the things that may help her to do so is to lose a bf or two that she's really into because of this issue. You say she's intelligent. She would begin to put two and two together if that happened. Of course, it takes a man with a good sense of self esteem to draw a boundary here without getting angry at her or seeming jealous. Bottom line, from my experience, I don't think there's a lot you can do about it. She's going to do what she's going to do and be who she's going to be. Even if she changes when around you she can still be the other person when you're not around. Edited March 3, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease 4
Author PassionatelyCurious Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 Thanks for all the info guys. It has been VERY helpful, and some REALLY good points here. To add, I got a little more information on all of this today... To give more background into the guy from this morning, those two started at the company at the same time not too long ago. When she first mentioned him, she told me he had an interest, but that she didn't have one in him. I found out that wasn't entirely true. She flirted with him a LOT before me, but for some reason, never hung out with him. Seems like she was doing it for the attention. Or maybe their schedules just didn't work out. I don't know for sure, but her story changed from her never having had an interest in him to having HAD an interest, but losing it shortly after they started talking (yet kept flirting with him). She kept flirting with him right up until her and I started dating. It *mostly* stopped after that, but she is just generally a very flirtatious person (uses hearts and "luv" generously in messages to everyone). The part that bothers me the most is that her story didn't change until after work, when I was REALLY annoyed that he KEPT trying to flirt with her all day at work (poked her from behind to surprise her at her desk, called out her name several times during the day to get her attention, came up to her after work to hug her and do some other irritating things). Not getting into the details, but after work when she knew she couldn't lie to me without getting caught, her story then changed to the whole having had an interest in him, but not having one in him shortly after having begun conversations with him. She never flat out lied and said she NEVER had an interest, but she intentionally mislead me into thinking she never had one, when in actually, she did have one at one point. The fact that she would use someone like that as an ego boost, knowing very well she was toying with his emotions, is NOT the type of person I want to be with. I mean some of this is cleared up, but that one is now a HUGE issue to me. This woman seems to care more about herself than she does other people's feelings. Plus, she clearly has no qualms hiding things from me.
schlumpy Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Let me get this straight. Where you work the employees are encouraged to hug and kiss on each other? No instant trip to HR? Who else gets hugged and kissed on in this randy work environment? I say enjoy her while you can. I don't believe it will be long term. 8
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 19 minutes ago, Search4twinflame said: Thanks for all the info guys. It has been VERY helpful, and some REALLY good points here. To add, I got a little more information on all of this today... To give more background into the guy from this morning, those two started at the company at the same time not too long ago. When she first mentioned him, she told me he had an interest, but that she didn't have one in him. I found out that wasn't entirely true. She flirted with him a LOT before me, but for some reason, never hung out with him. Seems like she was doing it for the attention. Or maybe their schedules just didn't work out. I don't know for sure, but her story changed from her never having had an interest in him to having HAD an interest, but losing it shortly after they started talking (yet kept flirting with him). She kept flirting with him right up until her and I started dating. It *mostly* stopped after that, but she is just generally a very flirtatious person (uses hearts and "luv" generously in messages to everyone). The part that bothers me the most is that her story didn't change until after work, when I was REALLY annoyed that he KEPT trying to flirt with her all day at work (poked her from behind to surprise her at her desk, called out her name several times during the day to get her attention, came up to her after work to hug her and do some other irritating things). Not getting into the details, but after work when she knew she couldn't lie to me without getting caught, her story then changed to the whole having had an interest in him, but not having one in him shortly after having begun conversations with him. She never flat out lied and said she NEVER had an interest, but she intentionally mislead me into thinking she never had one, when in actually, she did have one at one point. The fact that she would use someone like that as an ego boost, knowing very well she was toying with his emotions, is NOT the type of person I want to be with. I mean some of this is cleared up, but that one is now a HUGE issue to me. This woman seems to care more about herself than she does other people's feelings. Plus, she clearly has no qualms hiding things from me. You are making some fine excuses for her behavior...minimizing them is a bad idea. Half truths are essentially lies, my friend. People use them to hide the full impact of the truth. Ego boost or keeping her options open, you have a tough situation going on. As someone else said, this is one reason not to date someone from work. Yuck. A good question others have asked...why do all these guys have her number? I know some work-places have voluntary phone lists for what-ever reason, but why do they have hers? Also, really, most of this can be quashed by her letting everyone know that she is dating you. No ambiguity. She likes the attention and she is making herself 'available' by allowing this to continue. 1
BrennaR Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 39 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Let me get this straight. Where you work the employees are encouraged to hug and kiss on each other? No instant trip to HR? Who else gets hugged and kissed on in this randy work environment? I say enjoy her while you can. I don't believe it will be long term. Ugh, I work at a place that coworkers frequently give hugs to each other, and I cringe every time someone is trying to give me a hug. The only times I think it's acceptable to give hugs at a work place is to show sympathy when someone died. Seriously. 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 45 minutes ago, schlumpy said: Let me get this straight. Where you work the employees are encouraged to hug and kiss on each other? No instant trip to HR? Who else gets hugged and kissed on in this randy work environment? I say enjoy her while you can. I don't believe it will be long term. Yup, platonic show of affection at the workplace is a no-no here in the USA. Not a natural part of its culture. Too many other extra-curricular activities come with such and leads to harassment, or worse. What kind of HR does the OP's job have??? BTW, what kind of work place is it? 2
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Dude, it sounds like you were smitten by this girl's looks and got into a relationship before you really knew her. Now that you know how she is, you can take the appropriate actions. My first action would be to kick her curbside, and find someone who is ready for the same type of relationship that you are. Also, DON'T DATE COWORKERS, unless you have a disposable job that you dont mind quitting. You sound like a decent guy, there are plenty of beautiful women out there that dont need hordes of guys chasing them to feel good about themselves. NEXT! 3
ExpatInItaly Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 She likes the attention, OP. And it isn't likely to stop any time soon. Ask yourself if you can accept that your and her boundaries are totally different, if she's unwilling to be more firm with her orbiters. Also, why the heck are you two meeting each other's families and kids after just a few weeks of dating? What is the rush? It's generally not wise to zoom through courtship like this, because it builds up a false sense of intimacy when you don't really know each other as a couple yet. 1
mark clemson Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Agree generally with most of the advice above. Suggest you keep your expectations very low for this, so you won't be disappointed. I admit I like orbiters too. I've never done anything except flirt with them, but then again I've been with my wife for 23 years. You haven't even been with her that many weeks. Also it can get kind of addictive (having orbiters) if one's not careful and once in a while they make passes at you etc. She may succumb. 1
justwhoiam Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 11 hours ago, Search4twinflame said: We knew each other for a couple months prior (co-workers) Let me get this straight. You were part of that pool of men trying to pursue her, just like the other guys you're complaining about. Then your role suddenly changed: you became her boyfriend but unbeknownst to anyone. The other men continued their behavior. Let me guess: your position within the company is higher than your girlfriend's. And it's higher than that of the guy who hugs her after work and bombs her with phone calls and messages. If that's the case, there's a high chance you got picked for your position (whether that could lead to direct advantages for her or not within the company, or just because you have a better salary, or who knows). This kind of doubt I bet is hard to swallow. It's something I personally would have a hard time living with. And given equal conditions, if the other guy had a better position and earning more, he might win. There's a chance he's even younger than you. Anything I said might not apply to your situation at all, or it may. Let me know. 10 hours ago, smackie9 said: And this is why you don't date coworkers. Indeed. Dating someone at work puts you at risk on so many levels. The moment your respective positions change at work, the dynamics can change. Also, what's going on with you is exactly why some companies are against relationships in the workplace. You are spending a lot of time looking at what is going on with her throughout the day. And that must be affecting your productivity. Not only keeping an eye on her, but overthinking things when nothing's happening before your eyes. 10 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: Why do all these men have her personal phone number? You didn't answer that. But at this point it sort of seems clear to me. She gave it out to all the guys at work who asked/showed an interest in her before you two got together. Her interactions with anybody hardly changed afterwards. Quote Makes me feel like she is trying to keep her options open. As others said before me, definitely so. Quote She wrote him a note shortly after the lie and gave it to him. Odd. A "please stop being all over me or I'll have to report this" would have scared anyone away quickly enough. Who knows what was in that note. Was it on paper? Quote I don't know what to do. I'm tempted to walk away at this point, as I feel like she is intentionally trying to keep her options open and has no qualms lying to me. Could use some advice here. Well, I guess buying her a ring for anybody to see wouldn't be a good option here. You might be wasting your money on this flaky woman you've been with just for a few weeks. I too am surprised that you met your respective families. Maybe it was too soon. I guess lesson learned. If at this point you don't care much anymore, come what may, you could just innocently come up in front of everybody with "Honey, what would you like to do this weekend? I was thinking maybe a romantic getaway in (name a location)? And see how she reacts. Then in a second, everyone would know you two are together. Though I wouldn't be surprised if that guy knew that you are... This could end up badly. But I mean, if everything's justified for her, your little slip shouldn't count that much (though it probably will). 1
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 The problem some women particularly good looking single women have at work is trying to manage guys, guys who think they have a chance and guys who love to play games. She needs to tread a fine line whilst still managing to keep the peace, and maintain a friendly working environment. Yes she is also a flirt and no doubt loves the attention so that complicates matters. The last thing she wants is to alienate these guys she works with and end up with a bunch of upset angry rejected guys who will make her working life a misery, so she plays the game at work. Fine, YOU want to stake out your territory, but she actually needs to work there. It is just a few weeks of dating, anything could happen. You need to calm down. Leave her to sort out her coworkers, I am sure like so many women do, she has it covered, you telling her what to do is a waste of time. She either wants to be with you or she doesn't... steaming in as the controlling bf is often a big turnoff and as she obviously has options will send her straight into the arms of someone else. 1
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) While I agree that often the fastest & cleanest way to dissuade unwanted attention is to announce you are taken, are you really going to dump someone because you don't like the reason they use when they turn down other offers? Sounds a bit like cutting your nose off to spite your face. Edited March 3, 2020 by d0nnivain 1
Gaeta Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 17 hours ago, Search4twinflame said: We knew each other for a couple months prior (co-workers), and had such a strong connection that we have spent every day together ever since our first date. While things are still fairly new, we are exclusive and taking it VERY seriously (already met the kids, family, etc.). Are you newly single that you don't know the basic dating rules. Never introduce the children during the honeymoon phase. Under 6 months a relationship can abort at any time, especially those starting with a strong connection. What you call a 'strong connection' is simply a bunch of hormones messing with your brain and once the hormones are done giving you a high you start discovering the real person. She's all about attention. 1
Fletch Lives Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 16 hours ago, smackie9 said: And this is why you don't date coworkers. This is her day to day life. Attractive women always get approached, may it be at work, in the store, getting gas, etc. Whether she tells them she is taken or not, they will always hit on her, flirt with her....she's hot, she will always get this attention unless you make her wear a bag over her head. - Thank you. Okay, I'm going to give the woman a get out of jail free card here. Why? - because she's ignoring these men, she is trying to say "no" - but these guys are hammering her, all over her like white on rice! What's a poor woman to do? She's lying to you because you are beating her up about it - but it's not her fault. Give the woman a break. On top of all this, it sounds like one of the bosses likes her. If he finds out, I wonder if your job might be in jeopardy. Don't get involved with a beautiful woman at work. There is a saying - don't poop where you eat. 1 1
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