Why am I so turned off by this?

[kenziejane]

17 minutes ago, Saracena said:

Agree with everyone else about the feeling of being smothered which is distinctly off-putting. In addition, to a lesser degree, I also think that being 'put on a pedestal' like this when the other person clearly doesn't know you at all, can put the recipient under a lot of unnecessary pressure owing to the fear they may not be able to live up to the love-bomber's expectations, which is more of less inevitable in these cases.

 

 

That's really how I felt....like I just knew I was going to let him down. I remember being at the bar on our second date and he was asking me what my flaws were, because he didn't see any. And that statement alone made me so uncomfortable, like I wasn't allowed to mess up or something. I threw that in with the text I sent, that I felt I couldn't really be the girl he wanted me to be and I'd rather disappoint him now rather than later. 

Edited March 3, 2020 by kenziejane

[kenziejane]

1 hour ago, ccas93 said:

you're completely right to tell him that and that's smart. Last summer I started dating a girl like this. We went out for the first and she seemed WAY into me. Tried to make out with me 20 minutes into the date. It was a little weird. After the first date she started coming up with plans to go to a baseball game almost two months from that time, along with talking about other things we should do together. Basically grooming me to be her boyfriend. I found it weird but sweet, and after my some thinking I decided to trust her. Bad idea. I figure out a month in that she got dumped by her fiancee a few months earlier and that I was being used as a rebound. Not too long after that, she then dumped me a few weeks after she got a fantastic new job, and decided her emotional void/pain/whatever she was going through was treated by her new job, and didn't need me anymore to make her feel better. I got played and it stung pretty badly. 

OP, you did yourself a favor for not falling for this guy's BS, and being honest with him that you were not moving at his speed. I wish I could go back in time and do that myself. 

A lot of others have brought up the fact that this kind of behavior sometimes signifies a recent break-up. He fits the bill...I think I mentioned in another comment that he told me on our first date he'd only been single for a little over a month. Claimed he was over it before he left her, but who knows. I think maybe he just wanted to be in a relationship again, and we connected well enough that he was ready to do that with me. Despite still getting to know each other. Granted, we never talked about commitment or getting serious or anything...but I felt like that's where it was headed wayyyy too fast. 

There's also something about him asking to see me almost every day that put a bad taste in my mouth...like I don't want to be your source of entertainment all the time, you know? I want you to have a life outside of me. 

[kenziejane]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

That would have me run the other way. 

It happened to me a few times when I was dating. Most of the time these men are freshly out of a relationship and are in a hurry to jump into another one to not feel the void any longer. Not a good base to start building on. I remember once telling a guy to stop sending me text about being the most amazing woman in the world (after 1 date) I explained to him step by step that his attitude scared me and I was gonna run away. He quiet down 1 day, after 48 hours he was back at sending me poems and gifts. I ended it.

I maybe should've been more honest with him about the fact that he was really scaring me and making me anxious. In hindsight, I do regret that because I really liked him and saw potential there that I haven't seen with anyone else in a while. But then he smothered me and I felt really annoyed. Annoyed enough that I just decided I didn't want to deal with it anymore. 

This happened to me once before. Except he wasn't asking to see me everyday, but asking me to be his girlfriend after a first date. Tried to slow him down, and he still didn't get the message. 

I think my experience with that guy really tainted how I went about dealing with this one. 

Edited March 3, 2020 by kenziejane

[kenziejane]

5 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

This happens a lot.

This may surprise you, but men moving too fast is one of the biggest problems in dating. That playing hard to get thing does not look so bad now, huh?!

I'm starting to see that lol.

I don't want to play hard to get with anyone...I just want to take things at a normal speed and work on getting to know each other before we start throwing out declarations of how much we like each other and making plans for literal months from now. 

[kenziejane]

5 hours ago, SumGuy said:

You may be crazy, but meeting you, the very date itself could be one of the best things that happened to him in a while. 
 That statement alone (understand he did and said a lot more than that) is to me sounds like enthusiasm, just a phrase people say perhaps a bit exaggeration but with a good intent.   

Yeah, that's why I was still willing to go out on a second date with him. He said while drinking, so it might not have been something he would've said sober. I think that we both have separate problems-- I get really put out by anyone showing a lot of interest in me too early, and he has no issues doing exactly that. Just bummed because I was so happy after our first date and then this all happened and I got really meh about it. 

I sincerely hope I don't regret it. I think was he genuinely a good guy. 

I'm now thinking his recent break-up probably played a role in why he was coming on so strong. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, kenziejane said:

I maybe should've been more honest with him about the fact that he was really scaring me and making me anxious. 

Even if you had spelled it out to him it would not have changed his behavior. He wasn't like that by accident, something in him need fixing and only time will fix it for him. Recently single people are not good pick if you are looking into serious dating.

[kenziejane]

29 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Even if you had spelled it out to him it would not have changed his behavior. He wasn't like that by accident, something in him need fixing and only time will fix it for him. Recently single people are not good pick if you are looking into serious dating.

That makes me feel better. I was a little wary when he said he'd only be single for a month. 

Feels like it could have been something, but just happened at the wrong time. 

[salparadise]

Where are all the women who've posted about guys not complimenting them, trying to gauge his interest, wondering if he's not that into them, anxious about whether he's going to call? There must be divergent camps on this expectation, huh?

I actually agree with the consensus here, but I think it's hilarious how some want to be pursued with abandon and reassured that the guy has fallen madly in love with them, and others are repulsed by this exact same MO. Personally, I have a hard time doing the fake complimenting and sh*t talking routine, but I know that guys who are good at it get laid a lot. Carry on, just couldn't' resist. 

 

Edited March 3, 2020 by salparadise

[preraph]

I honestly think the camp who wants a bunch of compliments is a predominantly a younger less experienced camp who had some idea what romance was supposed to be like from the movies or something.  I don't know anyone who was ever actually requiring compliments.  Attention, yes.  

[kenziejane]

2 hours ago, salparadise said:

Where are all the women who've posted about guys not complimenting them, trying to gauge his interest, wondering if he's not that into them, anxious about whether he's going to call? There must be divergent camps on this expectation, huh?

I actually agree with the consensus here, but I think it's hilarious how some want to be pursued with abandon and reassured that the guy has fallen madly in love with them, and others are repulsed by this exact same MO. Personally, I have a hard time doing the fake complimenting and sh*t talking routine, but I know that guys who are good at it get laid a lot. Carry on, just couldn't' resist. 

 

Right? That's why I said I felt like there was something wrong with me lol because I've read so many posts (and know a lot of women) who enjoy a man who is overeager and very vocal about how he feels about them early on. 

I clearly do not like that at all haha

There has to be a happy medium. Hopefully one day I'll find someone who can meet me in the middle. 

Edited March 4, 2020 by kenziejane

[Backinthesaddleagain]

1 minute ago, kenziejane said:

Right? That's why I said I felt like there was something wrong with me lol because I've read so many posts (and know a lot of women) who enjoy a man who is overeager and very vocal about how he feels about them early on. 

I clearly do not like that at all haha

There was an 80s TV show about this...

[rjc149]

Looks like you got yourself a stage 5 clinger. Your instincts are 100% right and normal. 

1 hour ago, kenziejane said:

I've read so many posts (and know a lot of women) who enjoy a man who is overeager and very vocal about how he feels about them early on. 

Yeah that's what women say. A lot of women also say they'd never date a bad boy or a player. What confuses a lot of men is why women say they enjoy a sappy little kiss-ass rolling out the red carpet, but quickly lose interest in them. Sure, the pampering is kinda nice for a little while. But it's not genuine. It's coming from a place of need and lack. It's coming from a motive to place obligations on you. 

Don't worry, you're good. This is how emotionally healthy women respond to needy, insecure, clingy men.  

[Zippy2000]

Hey, Kenziejane.  Have you heard from him after you send him that message about moving to different speeds?

Im a man and I ve never really love bombed to get anyone to dive into a relationship.  If he genuinely likes you then he will slow down or wait a bit.  People who dive in head first tend to burn out fast.

[SumGuy]

18 hours ago, kenziejane said:

Yeah, that's why I was still willing to go out on a second date with him. He said while drinking, so it might not have been something he would've said sober. I think that we both have separate problems-- I get really put out by anyone showing a lot of interest in me too early, and he has no issues doing exactly that. Just bummed because I was so happy after our first date and then this all happened and I got really meh about it. 

I sincerely hope I don't regret it. I think was he genuinely a good guy. 

I'm now thinking his recent break-up probably played a role in why he was coming on so strong. 

Nothing is set in stone.  You could pick this back up and explicitly let him know he needs to slow his roll, take it slower and see where it goes.  You could even say you are flattered he is so into you but he barely knows you  and it's uncomfortable to be idolized, put on a pedestal as all you can do is fall from there.   Your a human with flaws and  oddities, maybe he should see those first before leaping into undying love type behavior.   You really like him though otherwise, and let's give it a chance.

It could well be this is due to being recently single, especially if it was years of a bad marriage.  Being inebriated can also let lose ideas ones fantasies...his fantasies are not all that bad and would be good if they came maybe 6 months down the road.  It's just what sharing them so soon may hint at.

All I'm saying if you really felt it, felt some potential, I wouldn't let this scare you off.   Sure take it as a data point to keep in mind as you go forward. 

It may be he is clingy and insecure, or maybe just too exuberant, letting his mouth run, a true romantic, etc.  As practical as I am, I have fantasized about a future when meet someone incredible...with the caveat IF they really are that incredible things would be great and would never say anything.  I'd say everyone has their flaw, Achilles heel, it's just a matter of how bad it is and if it is one you can live with.

In the realm of issues, his is not even up there so far.  It may be, time will tell but it may not, time will tell.

Personally if was wondering if was letting a good thing go I would reach out again and be honest, but kind about it.  What if thoughts are worse when you had a chance to find out but didn't take it.   That's me though.  I'd rather try and fail and get my heart broken than not try at all, of course I work really hard not to fail

[Miss Spider]

The pressure is definitely the worst part about it. You’re turned off by it because it’s not normal or healthy human behavior. 

[manfrombelow2]

OP, your reaction is perfectly normal.  It's a natural defense mechanism that was intergrated into women to shield themselves agaisnt needy and clingy men. Because we all know how potentially dangerous needy and clingy men are.

 

Edited March 10, 2020 by thaygiaogiang

[Hopeful30]

Gaslighting.