kenziejane Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 After being ghosted (honestly, why do people do that?), I decided to get back at it. Two weeks ago, I met someone via OLD. Attractive, easy to talk to, smart, etc. Essentially checked all my boxes and we had a great first date. Then suddenly things went from zero to 100. I got several texts after our date...along the lines of 'meeting you was the best thing that's happened to me in a while' and 'you have no idea how badly I wish you were here'. Both of which freaked me out a little...seemed a little forward after one date. I was out for the night so just ignored it. Next day he apologized and said he'd been drinking. Okay, fine. But the incredibly forward behavior continued and I'm just wondering if I have some sort of post-divorce trauma that made it such a turn off for me or what. We'd only known each other for two weeks, so the 'I really like you and have been on cloud 9 since we met' texts felt weird to me. How can you possible know you feel that way in such little time? On our second date, he was trying to make summer time camping trip plans with me and asking if we could go to Disney sometime together since I'd never been. What?! Last week, I told him I was very busy with work and school and would let him know when I was free. He still texted me nearly every single day asking to see me. Finally, I decided we weren't moving at the same speed and I sent a nice text, telling him as much. Never responded which is fine and also what I expected. I guess I just feel like any normal woman would probably really like having a man who always wants to see them and who voices how much he likes them. It just makes me uncomfortable. I'm bummed because I genuinely liked him, but when he came on so strong I instantly was turned off and just wanted to distance myself. I especially feel like something is wrong with me because my friend had a second date the other night and he bought her roses and told her he was ready to be official whenever she was...and I think most people would probably find that sweet and all I could think was 'after two dates? YIKES.' I just honestly have no clue how people can know each other for two weeks and decide to be in a relationship. Not that there is anything wrong with that, because there isn't. That works for many, many people. It's just me, I think? Maybe I need therapy. All I know is that it's an instant turn-off for me when someone wants to be my boyfriend after two or three dates.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 You are fine. It is not you. I would be thrown off as well. People have their own pace and that is normal and expected. Someone bombarding you with plans, flattery, etc. could mean something good...or troubling. Your friend got roses on the second date and asked to be exclusive. This seems nice, but who knows what the guy's intentions really are. See how long that relationship lasts. Nothing wrong with you. 3
mortensorchid Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Someone who sounds / acts a little TOO THIRSTY would turn anyone off. You are not in the wrong here by any means. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 This man is probably on the rebound or running from something painful. He's using you as a distraction, whether he realizes it or not. If he won't slow down to a more reasonable pace, then he's not respecting your boundaries. 3
littleblackheart Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 You handled that situation like a pro. You stood firm on your boundaries while being polite. Hats off to you. Good luck on your next date.
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 I had a similar experience a couple months ago, I was much more into her than she was into me. You just weren't on the same page or going the same speed, good on you for letting him know rather than ghosting him. Looks like it wasn't meant to be. Just remember, someday you might meet someone that knocks your socks off, and the shoe might be on the other foot. My folks got married 6 months after meeting and were together 37 years before my dad died. My advice would be to follow your gut, and if it feels rushed or creepy- bail. But if you are both feeling it, don't feel like you have to follow the dating "rules" or whatever. I'm sure there are a lot of good men and women out there that just lost out because the timing was off for one reason or another. Good luck.
Author kenziejane Posted March 2, 2020 Author Posted March 2, 2020 14 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: This man is probably on the rebound or running from something painful. He's using you as a distraction, whether he realizes it or not. If he won't slow down to a more reasonable pace, then he's not respecting your boundaries. I actually think you're really right about this. On our first date, he told me he was only about a month and a half out from a two year relationship...and that his ex had showed up at his house the week before asking to get back together! Probably should have been my first red flag, but my marriage was long over before I actually left it and I probably started dating sooner than most people would have because I really was moved on. So I wanted to give this guy the benefit of the doubt when he said the same. But I think maybe he didn't like me as much as he liked the idea of me. Like he just wanted to fill the void his ex left maybe? Or just was looking for a fix to finding himself single again. Not sure.
Author kenziejane Posted March 2, 2020 Author Posted March 2, 2020 7 minutes ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: I had a similar experience a couple months ago, I was much more into her than she was into me. You just weren't on the same page or going the same speed, good on you for letting him know rather than ghosting him. Looks like it wasn't meant to be. Just remember, someday you might meet someone that knocks your socks off, and the shoe might be on the other foot. My folks got married 6 months after meeting and were together 37 years before my dad died. My advice would be to follow your gut, and if it feels rushed or creepy- bail. But if you are both feeling it, don't feel like you have to follow the dating "rules" or whatever. I'm sure there are a lot of good men and women out there that just lost out because the timing was off for one reason or another. Good luck. Thank you! I totally agree, that it really just depends on the people. If I had been just as into him, I wouldn't be posting here and all would have been fine.
SumGuy Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 It’s not so much the texts, which to me just show enthusiasm and he really connected with you. it’s making plans to go away on date 2 which is too much too soon, in my opinion.
Author kenziejane Posted March 2, 2020 Author Posted March 2, 2020 6 minutes ago, SumGuy said: It’s not so much the texts, which to me just show enthusiasm and he really connected with you. it’s making plans to go away on date 2 which is too much too soon, in my opinion. True...but to say 'meeting you is the best thing that's happened to me in a while' after a first date seems like a lot. You don't even know me yet, and for all you know I could be totally crazy pants. It just put a lot of pressure on me, like he was already looking off into the future and expecting it to become a full-blown relationship even though we barely knew each other. That and the fact that he was asking to see me almost every single day. 2
preraph Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Exactly. After one date that's the words of someone who either only cares about looks or is in love with an ideal woman in his head and likes to pretend everyone he dates will be that woman. And of course he did get real drunk and do that, so that's not exactly a great thing either. 1
mark clemson Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Agreeing with the above. You are reacting normally to "love-bombing" by being put off by it. Your "BS" detector is working well it seems, at least in this case. 1
Uptown182 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 I agree he was a bit much after the first date. Normally that kind of behavior would turn me off, however when I met my current boyfriend he was kinda the same way but I think we both felt the same so it didn’t put me off. I think he was just way more into you than you were into him. Some people just get super excited when they finally meet someone they click with and they just don’t know how to control they’re excitement. 1
Author kenziejane Posted March 2, 2020 Author Posted March 2, 2020 2 minutes ago, Uptown182 said: I agree he was a bit much after the first date. Normally that kind of behavior would turn me off, however when I met my current boyfriend he was kinda the same way but I think we both felt the same so it didn’t put me off. I think he was just way more into you than you were into him. Some people just get super excited when they finally meet someone they click with and they just don’t know how to control they’re excitement. Yeah, I think you're right. I really wanted to feel the same way he felt about me, but I just didn't feel that enthusiasm. 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 17 minutes ago, preraph said: Exactly. After one date that's the words of someone who either only cares about looks or is in love with an ideal woman in his head and likes to pretend everyone he dates will be that woman. I disagree. I felt this way about a girl after 2 solid weeks of daily texting and 1 date. She was attractive, but not really my type. the conversation was never forced, and she made me laugh like no other girl I have ever met. Since then, I have met several women that were more my style, but I didn't feel that same connection with. Personality can go a long way, and not all men are in it just for looks. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) Girl, I feel you. I had something similar happen to me. They seem cool and collected on the date, then they’re blowing up your phone with “you’re the one”. I think you’re completely normal to feel turned off and even weirded out. It’s not a natural progression of things.How can be possibly feel that strongly about you knowing so little? Seems very desperate or fake, possible love bombing. Or he just sees an idea of you, not you, and he lacks good reasoning skills so he puts you on a pedestal instead of seeing it for what it is. Basically, delusional. It’s a bummer that you liked him and might have dated him had he not acted a little crazy. Anyway, your aversion is completely normal. Avoid. Edited March 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
alphamale Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 no you don't need therapy some men just don't know that when it comes to dating "less is more"...
justwhoiam Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 All of the above or... sometimes being honest doesn't pay. Maybe his only fault was being honest too soon. I guess it's like you said. The fact that you didn't give him a chance means you were mildly attracted to him.
Gaeta Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) That would have me run the other way. It happened to me a few times when I was dating. Most of the time these men are freshly out of a relationship and are in a hurry to jump into another one to not feel the void any longer. Not a good base to start building on. I remember once telling a guy to stop sending me text about being the most amazing woman in the world (after 1 date) I explained to him step by step that his attitude scared me and I was gonna run away. He quiet down 1 day, after 48 hours he was back at sending me poems and gifts. I ended it. Edited March 3, 2020 by Gaeta 1 1
d0nnivain Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 18 hours ago, kenziejane said: I guess I just feel like any normal woman would probably really like having a man who always wants to see them and who voices how much he likes them. I'll grant you I am not a normal woman. I am too assertive & independent. But the guy you describe would have me running for the hills for the same reasons you are. He's just too needy. It's too soon for those declarations. 1
Fletch Lives Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 This happens a lot. This may surprise you, but men moving too fast is one of the biggest problems in dating. That playing hard to get thing does not look so bad now, huh?! 1 1
SumGuy Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 18 hours ago, kenziejane said: True...but to say 'meeting you is the best thing that's happened to me in a while' after a first date seems like a lot. You don't even know me yet, and for all you know I could be totally crazy pants. It just put a lot of pressure on me, like he was already looking off into the future and expecting it to become a full-blown relationship even though we barely knew each other. You may be crazy, but meeting you, the very date itself could be one of the best things that happened to him in a while. That statement alone (understand he did and said a lot more than that) is to me sounds like enthusiasm, just a phrase people say perhaps a bit exaggeration but with a good intent. 1
ccas93 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) you're completely right to tell him that and that's smart. Last summer I started dating a girl like this. We went out for the first and she seemed WAY into me. Tried to make out with me 20 minutes into the date. It was a little weird. After the first date she started coming up with plans to go to a baseball game almost two months from that time, along with talking about other things we should do together. Basically grooming me to be her boyfriend. I found it weird but sweet, and after my some thinking I decided to trust her. Bad idea. I figure out a month in that she got dumped by her fiancee a few months earlier and that I was being used as a rebound. Not too long after that, she then dumped me a few weeks after she got a fantastic new job, and decided her emotional void/pain/whatever she was going through was treated by her new job, and didn't need me anymore to make her feel better. I got played and it stung pretty badly. OP, you did yourself a favor for not falling for this guy's BS, and being honest with him that you were not moving at his speed. I wish I could go back in time and do that myself. Edited March 3, 2020 by ccas93
Saracena Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Agree with everyone else about the feeling of being smothered which is distinctly off-putting. In addition, to a lesser degree, I also think that being 'put on a pedestal' like this when the other person clearly doesn't know you at all, can put the recipient under a lot of unnecessary pressure owing to the fear they may not be able to live up to the love-bomber's expectations, which is more of less inevitable in these cases. 1
Recommended Posts