Miss Spider Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) And yes I had a guy pull this on me. We had been on 2 dates and I really liked him! He was talking about his travel plans and I said, “you’re young, have the resources, and no kids or anything, so why not just go? “ He said he actually does have a daughter. It is not on his OKCupid. I broke it off with him and NOT because he had a daughter... Edited March 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough
littleblackheart Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 7 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Maybe there is prejudice, but to omit that information so people can’t make an informed decision about you is kind of disingenuous. . Agree with this on principle. It's just that for this particular situation, it's difficult to tell because the info about him having a child is second-hand. 1
Author stella20 Posted March 2, 2020 Author Posted March 2, 2020 So just to be clear - I didn’t realize this was going to get a lot of traction- 1) on his profile - there is no mention of kids. In addition - there are no pictures of kids - just him and his dog. On my profile - I specified that I don’t have kids but I work in the education field. 2) Thw conversation about children was never brought up by me nor him 3) I didn’t go looking - a friend of mine found him on her own and showed me a picture of him with a little girl that says #nationaldaughterday 1 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 It is absolutely unacceptable for anyone to withhold that fact that they have children! Unacceptable. It is something that should be made clear on your profile. PERIOD. Before you even meet, the other person HAS EVERY RIGHT TO KNOW that you have a child or not so that that person can make an objective, potentially life-changing decision to date someone with children or not. Withholding that information is deceptive at best. I think it's irresponsible to suggest that this is not A NEED TO KNOW (YESTERDAY) piece of information. 1 1
Ellener Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said: No one has kids,.. until you do. Then you disclose that to people you date so they can decide if they want to commit to dating you .. Don't get that, dating is just dating to me. I don't want to hear too much about someone's kids, or ex, or problems or whole life story at this stage, I'm going out to see if it's fun and we enjoy each other's company for the first few dates. Even if I do get more involved over time I don't expect to be be involved in re-parenting the man or his offspring, he needs to have his own family life under control before getting in a relationship with me! I've already been on the troublesome interfering end of my ex's girlfriend deciding she needed to replace me and 'fix' my son, with predictable results: family dynamics are complicated and it's likely going to cause children even more upheaval adding a new person prematurely to the mix. There's a feminist part of me too which feels parents should mutually respect each other and maintain a solidarity of upholding another's family ties, by keeping good boundaries. 1 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 57 minutes ago, Ellener said: Don't get that, dating is just dating to me. I don't want to hear too much about someone's kids, or ex, or problems or whole life story at this stage, I'm going out to see if it's fun and we enjoy each other's company for the first few dates. Even if I do get more involved over time I don't expect to be be involved in re-parenting the man or his offspring, he needs to have his own family life under control before getting in a relationship with me! I've already been on the troublesome interfering end of my ex's girlfriend deciding she needed to replace me and 'fix' my son, with predictable results: family dynamics are complicated and it's likely going to cause children even more upheaval adding a new person prematurely to the mix. There's a feminist part of me too which feels parents should mutually respect each other and maintain a solidarity of upholding another's family ties, by keeping good boundaries. Ellener, this is exactly how I feel, but I am in my 40s and expect them to have kids already. And to the OP, if dating someone with kids is an absolute deal breaker, why not be an adult and just ask straight away? For me, I don't want to be with someone who is my age with no kids, because it is usually (not always) a red flag, and we will have different lifestyles. I always ask during the first date or before we meet. If they dont have any, there might be numerous reasons why they don't and some reasons are ok with me (if they are unable, etc) In sales, this is called pre-qualifying, and saves you aggravation before you invest too much time. I see so many posts and OLD profiles stressing communication, I wish everyone would just practice what they preach. I came on this site mainly from boredom, and to ask advice if I need it. But if I can help some guys and gals adjust their way of thinking and make positive changes in their dating life, it is very satisfying for me. Good luck. 1 3
Miss Spider Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Ellener said: Don't get that, dating is just dating to me. I don't want to hear too much about someone's kids, or ex, or problems or whole life story at this stage, I'm going out to see if it's fun and we enjoy each other's company for the first few dates. Even if I do get more involved over time I don't expect to be be involved in re-parenting the man or his offspring, he needs to have his own family life under control before getting in a relationship with me! I've already been on the troublesome interfering end of my ex's girlfriend deciding she needed to replace me and 'fix' my son, with predictable results: family dynamics are complicated and it's likely going to cause children even more upheaval adding a new person prematurely to the mix. There's a feminist part of me too which feels parents should mutually respect each other and maintain a solidarity of upholding another's family ties, by keeping good boundaries. Totally agree. I feel the same. A lot of people are dating to settle down, get married, have families of their own though, especially at my age. Better to just get these things out of the way. I also agree with the rest of your post 1 2
Author stella20 Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 Someone having kids isn’t a deal breaker to me - it’ll most likely be brought up when I see him this week and mention kids- I won’t say I found his social media though 1
Backinthesaddleagain Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 13 minutes ago, stella20 said: Someone having kids isn’t a deal breaker to me - it’ll most likely be brought up when I see him this week and mention kids- I won’t say I found his social media though Most likely be brought up? Don't wimp out and prolong your concerns. I would just ask him casually in conversation asap. Leave the social media part out, and see if you catch him in a lie. If he lies, it's a done deal and you can move on without wasting anymore time. Although, what if the social media pics are of his nephew or something? Be sure to find out all the details before you kick him to the curb. Good luck.
JTSW Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 When i met my husband 17 yrs ago one of the first things he disclosed was that he had a 3 yr old son. I was OK with it and was glad that he was happy to tell me me about it and i adore my stepson. He is a very proud dad and we now have a daughter of our own. 3 1
Ellener Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 4 hours ago, stella20 said: I won’t say I found his social media though 4 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: Leave the social media part out Social media is not the best way to find our about someone's life or personality in my opinion, since people seem to be posing or posturing there, projecting an image they want to perfect! It also gets a bit 'stalkerish' trawling around to- 4 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said: see if you catch him in a lie I am well aware that particularly around divorce and child-care arrangements two people will have very different viewpoints of the same story/history, and it can be very painful and raw for a long time for all concerned. The only thing I use the internet for re. dating is to verify the person is who they are at their place of work or business for safety if I'm meeting with a stranger and we have no mutual friends or acquaintances. I tell someone where I'm going and I meet somewhere I know for the first date and in my own car for the first few meetings, then if it doesn't work out I can politely take my leave!
JTSW Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 13 hours ago, stella20 said: a friend of mine found him on her own and showed me a picture of him with a little girl that says #nationaldaughterday Is this all the evidence there is though? Was it just this one pic with a little girl?
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 4 hours ago, JTSW said: When i met my husband 17 yrs ago one of the first things he disclosed was that he had a 3 yr old son. I was OK with it and was glad that he was happy to tell me me about it and i adore my stepson. He is a very proud dad and we now have a daughter of our own. This is exactly what should happen. I find it very difficult to believe that people are not impacted by a potential partner being a parent. No way that isn't going to get your mind spinning about the what that will involve in a new or developing relationship. 2 1
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: I find it very difficult to believe that people are not impacted by a potential partner being a parent. No way that isn't going to get your mind spinning about the what that will involve in a new or developing relationship. Exactly. A)Extra people in the relationship - There is the child/children, the ex, the ex's family and friends, the other step parent... etc. B)The legal issues, custody battles... can be "never ending" and upsetting and destabilising. C)The emotional damage that can come from fighting over kids and assets and the general distress that comes from splitting up the family unit... D)Time spent with the children, a parent can rarely spend the time on a relationship that a childless person can. Being stuck to kid's time tables or not being free to do as one pleases can be seen as restricting and boring... E)Single people usually like to be #1 in a relationship, so being #2 or even #5+ after kids and exes may NOT be what some want to be involved in. F) "Other people's kids" can be an issue, even other parents may not want to get involved with "other people's kids"... G) Some do not really want a "permanent" ex always being there "for the kids". They want a relationship that is free from exes.H) Some feel relationships are hard enough when only two people are involved, without adding the complication of kids to the mix 2 1
Allupinnit Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 3 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: This is exactly what should happen. I find it very difficult to believe that people are not impacted by a potential partner being a parent. No way that isn't going to get your mind spinning about the what that will involve in a new or developing relationship. 100% this I find it irresponsible to want to drop that bomb on someone unexpectedly. "By the way I have a daughter, do you have kids?" seems like very basic info to swap on the first date. Why wouldn't he want to talk about his kid? If the dude has a picture with a little girl and that hashtag you know it's not his niece LOL come on.
Andy_K Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 How did you meet? If he has any reason to believe you're looking for a relationship, mention of having children should come up pretty quick. On the other hand if you've met on Tinder, flirted like crazy, and made no indication you're looking for more than a good time, then I can't see any way to blame him for not mentioning it. For everything in between, use common sense. 1
Author stella20 Posted March 3, 2020 Author Posted March 3, 2020 We met through the FB dating app - nothing about kids was brought up by either us.
Blind-Sided Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: ........ D)Time spent with the children, a parent can rarely spend the time on a relationship that a childless person can. Being stuck to kid's time tables or not being free to do as one pleases can be seen as restricting and boring... E)Single people usually like to be #1 in a relationship, so being #2 or even #5+ after kids and exes may NOT be what some want to be involved in. F) "Other people's kids" can be an issue, even other parents may not want to get involved with "other people's kids"... ......... Yep... there is some truth here. D) This is something I'm coming to grips with. I met someone I liked... but she wants to go out to the clubs, and concerts, and events.... And I just can't. (and honestly, don't want to) So that makes me boring. Not that she said that... but I can see it's not going to work because of that. I guess this comes back to some of the points made earlier... a person with kids, should look at someone else with kids. But the strange side to that is... people my age (mid/late 40's) can have kids anywhere from toddler to adult, and moved out. But even with the person with adult kids... they understand. E) That's a bit of a stretch. The kids come first because... well... they are kids. They need love and support of their mom/dad, and in my case... my 8yo just needs someone to do things for her. But there is NO WAY my exW will come before a new SO. F) YES !! Absolutely. My Brother is going through this. He has been D for 17/18 years now, and his son (who he raised) is now moved out and married himself. My brother's new GF has an 8yo son... and he is rather high spirited. I think it's because his dad is long gone, and mom just gives into everything. After he decided he was going to see her seriously... he had a talk with his GF, and said... he needed to be the father figure, and discipline her son if it was going to work out. That conversation could have gone VERY bad... but his GF knows that he needed a say in how the kid acts in my brother's house. They have been together for over a year now, and her son is so much better. (less rambunctious) Edited March 3, 2020 by Blind-Sided
elaine567 Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 31 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: E) That's a bit of a stretch. The kids come first because... well... they are kids. They need love and support of their mom/dad, and in my case... my 8yo just needs someone to do things for her. But there is NO WAY my exW will come before a new SO. Yes. but to a single person having to come second to kids may not be acceptable to them, the kid/kids are not their kid/kids. I don't think many want to deliberately put exes before new gfs/bfs but many can end up doing that to "keep the peace" with their ex, or for the "sake of the kids"... 1
Ellener Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 5 hours ago, elaine567 said: to a single person having to come second to kids may not be acceptable to them, the kid/kids are not their kid/kids. Wow, who would want to date a person like that?!
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 40 minutes ago, Ellener said: Wow, who would want to date a person like that?! Tsk. Tsk. Sarcasm... love it. Any responsible parent should have his/her (especially younger) children considerably more at the top of the priority list than the person he/she is dating. BUT.....I also feel any parent should be honest and reasonable and make enough time to date and develop a new relationship.
Ellener Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 I never had other men around my kid, he went through enough with his father's social life! It did mean he missed out on a potential better male role model I suppose, but it was too unfair if he attached to someone and the relationship didn't work out for long-term. 33 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Tsk. Tsk. Sarcasm... love it. Not at all, I imagine someone who is jealous of a child not to be a very fun or mature person! I think people project way more into the future than I do, based on a handful of dates, I'm finding it best not to do too much day-dreaming. But I'm 53, some of you will be half my age I'm sure! and looking for way different things.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 5 minutes ago, Ellener said: I never had other men around my kid, he went through enough with his father's social life! It did mean he missed out on a potential better male role model I suppose, but it was too unfair if he attached to someone and the relationship didn't work out for long-term. Not at all, I imagine someone who is jealous of a child not to be a very fun or mature person! I think people project way more into the future than I do, based on a handful of dates, I'm finding it best not to do too much day-dreaming. But I'm 53, some of you will be half my age I'm sure! and looking for way different things. 51 here
littleblackheart Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 15 hours ago, stella20 said: We met through the FB dating app - nothing about kids was brought up by either us. Regardless of what any of us think, I think maybe the question is would you have had an issue with it yourself had you found out organically, and not from your friend snooping on his socials? My first thought, really, is that your friend may be a little too invested in your personal life? If he does have a child, he really needs to disclose it next time he sees you; not a good sign either if you have to pull it out of him (imo). 2
elaine567 Posted March 4, 2020 Posted March 4, 2020 6 hours ago, Ellener said: Not at all, I imagine someone who is jealous of a child not to be a very fun or mature person! Not necessarily jealous, just someone who wants to date without the complication of a kid/kids. That may be a young person but it may also be an older person who doesn't want to deal with older kids. Older grown up kids may be just as bad or even more difficult than small kids, if they don't like their parents new "date" Some people have done the kids thing and don't want to go there again. Some people want their own kids and don't want to spend time with kids that are not their own, Not everyone is overjoyed at the prospect of being a "step parent". If the kids are not on board with Mom or Dad dating again or have their own issues then it can be a difficult and hard journey. Some people just want no hassle and an easier life...
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