stella20 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 So I recently went on a date with a guy who is a dad. However, he didn’t tell me on the first date or during our convo when we were setting up our date that he has a kid. I found out through a friend of mine who found his social media page. Now granted, I just met the dude , I don’t need to know his whole life story on one date but should I be concerned if he never brings up his kid?
Fletch Lives Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Never date your parents. Not cool! Seriously, parents protect kids. It's okay to withhold that information for sometime. 2 1
K.K. Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Parents are off limits. Specially mine cause dey day-ed.
Ami1uwant Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Wait and see what he shares. who knows if this info your friend found is accurate.
Miss Spider Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) If you have suggested at all you are seeking a LTR, that is a deep orange flag to me. Seems like pretty important information to divulge. Edited March 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Erik30 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 4 hours ago, stella20 said: However, he didn’t tell me on the first date or during our convo when we were setting up our date that he has a kid. He might be one of those guys who think it's not a big deal because the kid lives with mom most of the time... and/or he knows it's a dealbreaker for a lot of people, so he wants to win you over before telling you about it. I would say it's a red flag. Being a parent is something you should mention before the first date 1 2
salparadise Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 If he went to some trouble to avoid disclosure, then it's not good. But if the subject simply never came up, maybe not. I don't think there is any implied obligation to disclose before a first date. Figure out if he's being deceptive or not. Maybe bring up the subject in a general way and see if it leads to him volunteering the information. If not, well... it's going to be your decision either way. It sounds like you're at an age where a single man having a kid is unusual. In a few years it will be unusual if they don't. If you're dating with the intention of starting a family, you need to understand how you feel about it. I am older and mostly date women with kids, some of which have flown the nest by now. I prefer women who have raised kids to those who have not because it changes how a person interacts in the world and relate to others.
Blind-Sided Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 1 hour ago, salparadise said: If he went to some trouble to avoid disclosure, then it's not good. But if the subject simply never came up, maybe not. I don't think there is any implied obligation to disclose before a first date......... I agree. I'm a single dad of 2 little girls, and there are a few reasons to or not to bring up that subject. First of all... safety for the kid(s). If you think things aren't going to work out... then why bring them up? OR... if they are with mom the majority of the time... that's a topic for later. Also... talking about kids will inevitably lead into talks about the ex and that dynamic. SO... that's kind of taboo on a first date. (unless that person already knows you via a common friend) For me... I have my kids the majority of the time. I have my teen daughter 85%, and my 8yo close to 65% of the time right now... so it makes it hard or near impossible to go out on a moment's notice. So... even with girls I haven't really even gone out with... I have to say my time is consumed by my kids, and my normal life. For example... there is a friend of a friend who I've only chatted with via messenger. I wound up having last Friday evening open... but I wasn't 100% sure until Friday morning. I sent her a message saying I would be kid free, and if she would like to get together we could. Unfortunately since it was short notice, she already had plans. This is just the way it is when you have kids. (so I went shopping on a Friday night with a female friend) NOW... if the subject came up... or you asked about kids... and he withheld that info... then that could be a big red flag. My 2 cents... take it for what it's worth.
elaine567 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 As kids are a deal-breaker to many then not bringing them up asap is usually not a good sign and may even be manipulative. "Get to know me better and then I'll drop the bombshell of my kids..." There is no need to go into great detail about the kids early doors, so "safety" is really irrelevant. A man/woman with a kid/kids who is masquerading as single/childless is being deliberately misleading. Also surely it is best to find people who are fine with potential step kids day one as opposed to those who have been "tricked" into accepting them. 2 1
JTSW Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 He should have informed you before taking you on a date. Ironically there was a guy that posted a few weeks back about not telling his date about his kid. 1 1
mortensorchid Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 There were times that I had OLDs with guys with kids which they didn't mention before in their profile information. One guy I met many years ago sits down next to me at the bar where we agreed to meet and said without my prompting him "I have a kid". I also didn't recognize him until he asked if I was (name) because in the profile picture he was a redhead and he said his hair was dyed in that photo. Then there was another time I was with someone and he didn't tell me until after our second date that he had four kids all under age 10. Next on both of them!
Ellener Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 I think the first few dates it's no one else's business frankly, and I'd be put off if someone was talking too much about it- or talking too much about serious or long-term relationships before we even know each other slightly! 1
Emery1623 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 How sure are you that they are his kids? I have lots of friends that post tons of pics with their nieces, nephews, etc. that someone looking through their pics might think they have kids but they don’t. 1
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 9 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Seriously, parents protect kids. It's okay to withhold that information for sometime. I could not disagree more. Mentionning you are a parent is one of the 1st information you should put out there. Being a parent defines your life style and availability. How is hiding you're a parent protecting them at all? You are not giving them their address, name, of descriptions. If I met a man under the impression he doesn't have children and then 2 months later I learn he has 4, I would consider him a liar that was out to mislead me. 6 1
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 I remember going on 3 dates with a man that had on his profile 1 daughter that he raised full time. On our 3rd date, on a very serious tone, he told me he needed to tell me something. Turns out he had 15 children aged 3 yo to 27 yo, lol. I asked right away if he was financially providing for his children under 18, he said...nah! It was our last date. 2
Miss Spider Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) Agreed, Gaeta. Most people will discuss parenthood to anyone who will stand still long enough. Sounds like a flimsy excuse to drag things out and get someone ‘hooked’ a little more because many people prefer not to get serious with people with kids off the bat. And yes if it’s a casual thing it’s a bit different, but if it’s serious they are investing time and emotions etc into it not knowing there may be a deal breaker for them. If you have anything to do with them at all, your kids are part of the package and experience of dating you.... Edited March 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
SumGuy Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Never an issue for me as this is a basic part of the profile for the OLD site I used. It’s hard to say if he should assume it is a common deal breaker or not, depends on the demographic and your age gap, and thus be proactively up front about it. 1
littleblackheart Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 45 minutes ago, Gaeta said: How is hiding you're a parent protecting them at all? You are not giving them their address, name, of descriptions I'm also struggling with this. Surely if you're prepared to go on dates with strangers yourself, you will have done your due diligence for your own safety first and foremost. As a parent, that's far more responsible than simply making people aware of your kids' existence? OP, did he explicitly say he has no children? Did you tell him you don't date parents? Sounds a bit misleading, tbh. Orange flag at a minimum (if it turns out he does have kids - might not be a fact). Perhaps you should ask him whether he has kids and see what he says?
SumGuy Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: ....because many people prefer not to get serious with people with kids off the bat. Speak for yourself and demographic. In the 40+ age group that is not true, as most all of us have kids. In fact it is more a question if a person has got to 40+ without kids or ever being married. 1
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 10 minutes ago, SumGuy said: In the 40+ age group that is not true, as most all of us have kids. In fact it is more a question if a person has got to 40+ without kids or ever being married. I agree. I was dating in my mid-40s and would not date men who never had children. Being a parent changes us for life and only another parent (mostly) can understand that unconditional love. 2
smackie9 Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) Having kids can be a dealbreaker to a lot of people, and this is probably why he wants to have you like him enough first before revealing he is a parent. I would say he had been kiboshed in the past before he ever got out of the gate mentioning he had a kid before the first date. Edited March 2, 2020 by smackie9
Blind-Sided Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 41 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I remember going on 3 dates with a man that had on his profile 1 daughter that he raised full time. On our 3rd date, on a very serious tone, he told me he needed to tell me something. Turns out he had 15 children aged 3 yo to 27 yo, lol. I asked right away if he was financially providing for his children under 18, he said...nah! It was our last date. Holy Cr@p !!!!!! Why would anyone offer up that info? Because is there seriously a woman in the world who would have sex with him knowing that they are on their own after he makes #16????????? Also... you are right. Letting the other person know you have kids does dictate a lifestyle. I know one girl who I was introduced to , who I think is pretty. But I haven't really gotten together with her because she is always posting pictures are bars... and that's not who I am. And on the flip side... I've been in groups, where I knew there was a few single girls... and I would offer up an amusing story about something that involves "My kids" relevant to the conversation. In the back of my head I thought... "Hope this doesn't scare anyone away"... but the reality is... the other person should know. 1
SumGuy Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Having kids can be a dealbreaker to a lot of people, and this is probably why he wants to have you like him enough first before revealing he is a parent. Just wanted to make sure she mentioned she didn’t have kids, that could be a deal breaker for a lot of people. Seriously though, all this questioning of motives when there has been only one date. Maybe he’s hiding something, maybe it’s no thing to him or it’s common for someone like him. Impossible to tell because all we get is they had one date and a friend said he had kids. Without further information any answer to the question is just a survey of our prejudice. My response included That no information was provided to make any kind of informed response assumes everyone is like them, and/or that there is only one real way to see things. Edited March 2, 2020 by SumGuy 1
Miss Spider Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 1 hour ago, SumGuy said: Speak for yourself and demographic. In the 40+ age group that is not true, as most all of us have kids. In fact it is more a question if a person has got to 40+ without kids or ever being married. Just saying many people. , Most of whom are younger and/or without children themselves. But true, not all.
Miss Spider Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 (edited) 41 minutes ago, SumGuy said: Just wanted to make sure she mentioned she didn’t have kids, that could be a deal breaker for a lot of people. Seriously though, all this questioning of motives when there has been only one date. Maybe he’s hiding something, maybe it’s no thing to him or it’s common for someone like him. Impossible to tell because all we get is they had one date and a friend said he had kids. Without further information any answer to the question is just a survey of our prejudice. My response included That no information was provided to make any kind of informed response assumes everyone is like them, and/or that there is only one real way to see things. Haha No one has kids,.. until you do. Then you disclose that to people you date so they can decide if they want to commit to dating you ...and with that your children(there’s usually in a place in serious dating apps/sites for this option for that reason). Not that difficult. For many(yes many), it is a deal breaker for a relationship. Why waste their time on even one date? Maybe there is prejudice, but to omit that information so people can’t make an informed decision about you is kind of disingenuous. . Edited March 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
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