Liesel Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) I’ve been dating a guy for a while. Things are mostly very good, but there are some things that has made me hold back. Firstly, I noticed he takes quite a few selfies. He's doesn't post them on social media platforms, but who knows if he sends them to other people too. I noticed that he named a few outdoorsy photos of himself things like "strong man" and "mountain man", which I felt was a bit over the top. I excused it as possibly being a weird sense of humor. Sometimes he sends me multiple selfies, most of them while he's out and about. Often he takes many similar ones from different angles. Once I got a portrait collection of the month from him that his phone makes. I have been afraid that he's a bit self absorbed, but he's been so good in other ways, I was willing to look past it. He seems to have many female acquaintances and friends, at least he often name drops them. Some of them has, according to him, expressed sexual or romantic interest in him at one point, which he has declined. He's made sure to tell me about it though. I have the impression that he hardly has any close male friends, except for one who seems to really admire and look up to him. He has talked a lot about his ex’s from the very beginning. Details I’m not really interested in. Holidays they did together. How they met. Even humble bragging about his stamina in bed and how satisfied they were. How devastated they’ve been when he ended it with them, saying they would never meet a man as awesome as him ever again. One of them supposedly called him a gift from God. This comment made me uneasy. I’m also surprised by some things on display in his apartment. Firstly, he has a lot of things pinned on the walls, from concert tickets and drawings from his children, to travel memorabilia and art posters. All well so far. But then there’s so many postcards, letters and notes on display. Not just from friends and family, but from former girlfriends as well! In his kitchen and living room there’s quite a lot of love notes from his ex’s and at least two long letters from a close female friend of his who’s obviously quite smitten with him. I asked him about it and he confirmed that she is indeed in love with him, but that she knows it can never be more than a friendship between them. In another room there’s a photo calendar on the shelf of him and his ex from a few years back, which she made for him. On the wall I saw at least four quite intimate love letters from former girlfriends. Everything on display for everyone to see! He told me recently that he loves me, which I thought was quite early. He claims he hasn’t said it to anyone before me. But on one of the letters on the wall, an ex writes how she appreciates the way he tells her that he loves her! The only room free of ex related memorabilia is the bedroom. In there he’s keeping a couple of cards that I’ve given him and a gift from me, and he’s even printed and framed a photo of me and him on his night stand. He says he keeps the things most precious to him in the bedroom. He seems to be serious with me and has moved the relationship quite fast. I’ve even had to put on the brakes a few times. I just don’t understand the need to decorate his walls with things from previous ex’s? Today we had our first real argument, because of different expectations. I was staying the night and it seemed like we had resolved things before we went to sleep. But then he woke me up at the break of dawn because he was still agitated about it. He even accused me of pretending to being asleep. After we’d talked for a while he got out of the bed, and placed a cup with an inscription in my hand. Turned out it was a gift from a female friend whom he used to work with. He hadn’t seen her in years but visited her a couple of weeks ago when he was in her home town for work. From the inscription, it’s clear that she has romantic feelings for him. He said he didn’t knew about her feelings for him. I asked him why he showed me the gift, and he said that some women really appreciated him and would love to be with him. It made me beyond frustrated. Then he started to remove cards that I've written to him, threw them in my hands and said I should re-read my words. That I'm all rosy talk but not prepared to live our love. Tired and confused I started to cry and said that if he didn't want to keep it, he's free to throw it away. He then placed it in a drawer and said he would take out them back out if things got better again. Of course, now I’ve only mentioned the things I don’t like about him, but I think it’s rather concerning. What attracted me to him is that he's extremely attentive, romantic and affectionate. That has made me put up with things that would normally make me run. We’re supposed to have a dinner date tomorrow, but I feel very conflicted about it and the whole relationship because of the things mentioned. Thoughts? Edited February 29, 2020 by Liesel
ccas93 Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 this guy sounds like a narcissist and a weirdo. Even if he is "great" otherwise, all those things you said about him are incredibly strange and are major red flags. Proceed with caution 3
Andy_K Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 Narcissistic, love-bombing control freak. If you stick around you'll end up brainwashed, I guarantee it. If a guy has no real male friends, only female ones, it is normally a rock solid sign that he's a world-class douche. Guys are normally pretty adept at picking up on negative traits in other men, because they look at them without the distraction of attraction. Since he can't stop talking about his exes, perhaps you could ask them what they think of him and why they broke up? 4
carhill Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Liesel said: What attracted me to him is that he's extremely attentive, romantic and affectionate. Examples, please. One parameter would be sex. Is he all of the quoted before, or after, or both? Welcome to LS....
littleblackheart Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 1 hour ago, Liesel said: That has made me put up with things that would normally make me run Yikes. That is not good at all. Time to listen to your gut feelings and take a big step back from this unhealthy dynamic.
smackie9 Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 Red flag! girl I would be kicking him to the curb. 1
Watercolors Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 Yes, he's too self-absorbed. Walls of his apartment covered in his past relationship memorabilia, the constant stream of his selfies; he sounds like SNL actor/comedian Pete Davidson. Davidson is a regular lothario with the celebrity ladies and the ladies don't seem to have the self-esteem to care. Why are you with this Lord-Byron-Russell-Brand-esque Casanova? 1 hour ago, Liesel said: He seems to be serious with me and has moved the relationship quite fast. I’ve even had to put on the brakes a few times. I just don’t understand the need to decorate his walls with things from previous ex’s? You should know better that guys who come on strong that fast are not in it for the long haul. I mean, you put the breaks on a few times, so you do know better. They are merely looking for their next 'fix.' And once that 'fix' wears off, he dumps the woman and looks for a new one. What "good things" does this guy give to you in the relationship that aren't mementos from his past relationships? He doesn't sound like quality boyfriend material to me. Why are you with someone like this?
primer Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 Those women that would love to be with him can have him. They probably would get the same treatment - which is treatment you don't want or need. Take it from someone with experience.
Miss Spider Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) Yes he is self absorbed. One of my exes was a lot like this except for the exes thing. He was attractive and had done some high profile modeling, but sheesh that guy loved the way he looked. Took forever doing his hair, stopped to catch glimpses in every reflective surface, endless selfies(that would have been less annoying if he hadn’t made me partake),name dropped all the time. I’m with you, girl. It’s incredibly unattractive and annoying. It will probably progressively annoy you more and more Edited February 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough
OatsAndHall Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 "Self absorbed" is too kind. He sounds like an insufferable tool. 3 1
Gaeta Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 He's a collector. He collects women and has them on display through these letters and gifts. I would not tolerate any of it, from him taking selfies to bragging about his ex and his exs collection. To me that screams self-absorbed nut case and no amount of 'nice' would have me stick around. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 This dude sounds really, really strange. I would not continue seeing him. His behaviour is that off-putting, and honestly? It would not surprise me if he wrote some of those love letters to himself and tacked them to his wall to pretend he has scads of female fans. He's a weirdo, OP. 4
Calmandfocused Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 He keeps the ex’s memorabilia around because it massages his ego. He likes to constantly reinforce to himself how great he is. Think about it. He doesn’t care how this affects you, he’s more about feeling great about himself. The underlying message to you here is that you should be feeling lucky to have him. That you are the “chosen one” and because of that you need to accept anything he has to offer you. ”A gift from God?” I actually laughed out loud when reading that and about the selfies. How you didn’t laugh too I do not know. Yes I agree with the others. His level of narcissism is through the roof. if you continue this, just bear in mind that at some point you will become a “prized object” to add to his collection and nothing more. This guy loves himself too much. As a side note, people with high narcissistic tendencies cannot love another. They just think they can.
justwhoiam Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 Am I the only one thinking that this guy has children and leaving personal love notes and letters all over the place? As a mother, that's a huge huge red flag. Kids are very curious and they could open them up and read them any moment, I can't imagine what could come out of it. I would have raised the issue with him right away. I don't care if the kids can't read yet. They could grab one of them and bring them out to school to their teacher or something. You have no idea what they can do until you're faced with it. I seriously question his parenting skills. Fail. 2
Author Liesel Posted March 1, 2020 Author Posted March 1, 2020 Reading what I just wrote here, and the replies from all of you, I don't really get why I'm still with him. I think I've been a bit blinded by the flattery, romantic gestures, attention and all the things we seem to have in common. And that the other women didn't seem to have a problem with him, so why should I. There's no way around it, though, he loves to brag about himself, and today he even described himself as an alpha male. Who does that. My gut is telling me what you guys are writing, that something is not right, and I should leave asap. I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't already.
Watercolors Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 11 minutes ago, Liesel said: I'm disappointed in myself that I haven't already. Hey, you don't have to leave him because we're all telling you to. We're just giving you our opinions. It's totally your call what you want to do. Have you even told him yet that all of those past relationship memorabilia bothers you and how much it bothers you? Is he someone you want to be with long term? What is the worst thing that can happen to you if you do decide to end things with him? We've all dated narcissists. They're out there. And some of them are more obvious than others are with their narcissistic personalities. Just an fyi, if you do decide to break up with your boyfriend then you will have to instill the "grey rock" technique of no contact. It's where you become emotionally detached and non-responsive. No texts. No emails. No phone calls. Repeat until he loses interest and leaves you alone. I've had to do it a couple of times and it does work. He tried to get me to interact with him on Facebook in a mutual closed group, even calling me out by my name. I just ignored his posts. Drove him crazy. He posted "F--- You" memes addressed to me on the closed group's wall but it just made him look like an idiot. I didn't even react. So, if you do decide to leave your current boyfriend, you'll need to employ the "grey rock" technique. If you think he's the best you can do, then stay with him. But if you think you deserve someone better and that being with him is settling, then get the heck away from this guy.
CloudyHead Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Yikes! This relationship will end with your self-esteem ripped to shreds. End it. Block him so you have no contact with him. Move forward without looking back.
mortensorchid Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 He sounds rather narcissistic just when you said by his taking lots of selfies. By the end of the description I thought he sounded like a serial killer. I've encountered my own share of narcissistic people but this one is exceptional. I'd move on ASAP. 1
Miss Spider Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Wow yea. I will admit I scanned the first time and picked out similarities, but now that I’ve had time to read through more thoroughly, I agree with MO. He sounds a bit disturbed. 1
Eugeleh Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 He sounds like he would make an awesome partner for himself. 1
Fletch Lives Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 Oh wow, this guy is an egomaniac! In other words, he's crazy. It does not matter if they are the king of France - crazy is still crazy. How long have you two been dating?
JTSW Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 This guy is sooo into himself. He thinks he's gods gift to women. I hate guys like this. Don't waste your time on someone like this. 1
Gaeta Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 17 hours ago, Liesel said: There's no way around it, though, he loves to brag about himself, and today he even described himself as an alpha male. Can you imagine how embarrassing it will be to bring him home to mom & dad, and around your friends.
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