Lotsgoingon Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 Depending on how dysfunctional and disabled and absent your parents were, you might need much more therapy. Likely as said earlier, you played a "caretaker" role in your family ... Also, you had to learn to overlook all kinds of neglect and inappropriate behavior ... as part of a coping mechanism to survive in your family ... Well unfortunately, the habits you had to develop to live in your family ... are not the habits you want to screen out bad partners. "Boundaries." Google boundaries ...that's the thing you need ... basically setting boundaries ... means tuning into your feelings and not saying "yes" when you don't feel like saying "yes" and expressing your feelings ... without fear of rejection ...Most likely, you're simply in the habit of overlooking red flags and little moments of bad behavior ... and you want to try therapy ... while in a relationship ... while dating ... because this new habit you want to develop takes work ... Changing your behavior requires more than insight ... so if you have an insight-oriented therapist, that's fine ... you now know your family was dysfunctional ... important insight ... but now you may need a hardcore cognitive behavioral therapy person ... and each week you go out into the world to practice setting clearer boundaries ... You can fix this ... and boy will it be fun to do so ... but will take some more time and effort and therapy. Trust me: lots of folks have this problem. So please don't label yourself dysfunctional ... 2
Ellener Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, Wearyone said: we were only officially together for two weeks and he didn't treat me the way any empathetic human being would treat a girlfriend he was meant to love. No one is going to 'love' you this soon, but glad you realised it wasn't going to work out and ended it quickly. Glad you also have a close friend now. Take a break from romantic relationships? Do some things to make yourself happy and fulfilled and focus on self-care for now. Good luck. Edited March 1, 2020 by Ellener wording 1
Redhead14 Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, salparadise said: Why is everyone telling her to ditch her therapist and get a new one? Do you have information I don't? Do you see the therapist's job as being akin to a car mechanic––let him take a look at that old car, and if after a couple of hours it's not looking and running like a new one it's gotta be his fault. Therapists aren't magicians; they can't turn you into someone else, they can only encourage/challenge you to make changes, and it's probably going to be incremental at best. She may have an excellent therapist, and if so then the chances of finding a better one in any reasonable time frame is very low. And even if she did, it takes a long time to develop the therapeutic relationship and get down to the work. OP, I say stay with your therapist unless YOU have a sense that s/he's not competent or that you don't have a good working relationship. Starting over is probably going to cost you a year or more, and there's no guarantee that the next one will be better. Could be worse. If you have doubts about progress, ask the therapist what s/he thinks about the fit. Don't make such a decision rashly, and take the *#$& you hear on the internet with a pound of salt. Yep and the top reasons that therapy doesn't work is because the patients: a) are resistant to change and/or don't really want to change and are just going through the motions because they've been pushed into therapy, b) they don't pay heed to suggested exercises and tools for managing issues and/or are lazy about the process c) don't take the recommended medications as prescribed (if they have been prescribed), d) have an attitude about therapy and often don't like what the therapist has to say about their observations and that they know better than the therapist but can't understand the fact that what they have been doing ISN'T WORKING and have nothing to lose by at least trying to do what the therapist suggests. For the most part, it takes almost as long to recover from an "issue" as it took to develop the "issue(s)" . . . people are impatient and have unrealistic expectations as well. Edited March 1, 2020 by Redhead14 1
carhill Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 Yep, fundamental change can be a long hard slog with lots of relapses. That old family tape will play for life. It's how one processes what's on the screen that impacts their current life and relationships. That's where the tools received and practiced in effective psychological counseling can assist. OP, can you accept that no matter how much you love someone, they will always be who they really are? Not your, or my, idealized image, but real, imperfect, fallible, cold and callous even. That's human. Real. Accepting the real is key, as is knowing and feeling your own boundaries and acting on them with confidence. Your personality may indeed attract dysfunctional people for life, IDK, but you're in complete control of any interaction you have with any human. You have choices 1
mark clemson Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 Even though I think it is true that everyone's a little bit dysfunctional that's no reason to accept an abusive partner. Lots of good advice above IMO, following it and getting to a place where you choose healthier partners and have healthier relationships will be the trick. Not sure a change of therapist is such a bad idea if it's been years. Dunno...
lonelyplanetmoon Posted March 2, 2020 Posted March 2, 2020 I was like you when younger. My advice from my experience. Learn from your mistakes. Figure out your boundaries and set them early on in the relationship. If they cross the line then you need to dump and run or as LS would say dump and go NC. Setting the boundaries early is important so you don’t get attached. Learning when to leave a relationship is one of the main keys. I am still working on this myself. Trust needs to be earned. Don’t give them your trust if they do not earn it. If they break your trust then leave. Do not make excuses for them. Keep going to therapy. A good therapist will challenge you to be honest with yourself. Owning up to your mistakes is how to get past them. And lastly, be kind to you, yourself, the little girl in you. Once you learn to be kind to yourself then you will be in a position to see when somebody is not kind to you. 1
mortensorchid Posted March 3, 2020 Posted March 3, 2020 I used to be where you are, and I realized I had to have standards and priorities with men. I'm still working on it, but I think it's a product of age. If there was one answer, I would tell you what that answer is but unfortunately I don't have it except to keep trying, keep moving forward, and keep looking.
Recommended Posts