I keep attracting dysfunctional people

[Wearyone]

I am a 27 year old female. I've only had about five boyfriend's in my life. I don't count the latest one because we were only officially together for two weeks and he didn't treat me the way any empathetic human being would treat a girlfriend he was meant to love. He was self absorbed, neglectful, belligerent and just plain emotionally neglectful and abusive.

I have pretty low confidence and this has been a problem for me for most of my life. I also grew up in a dysfunctional home with two mentally ill and emotionally unavailable parents. I have never been good at relating to other people in a healthy or normal way. For example I've gone many years at a time with no friends and it's only by sheer luck that I have a best friend now.

Anyway this latest, horrible disaster of a relationship has got me reflecting on all my past romantic relationships in general and I can't honestly say a single one of them was healthy and didn't feature heavy codependency or the person using me and me letting them get away with it. In the past this latest guy would have gotten away with it too but I don't put up with as much crap as I used to. 

I think I am for all these reasons attracting dysfunctional people to me like a beacon, because I am dysfunctional myself and I have no idea how to change. I've had years of therapy, yet this guy was able to slip past my radar and I honestly let myself believe for too long he was a good person. 

It alarms me how easily I can still be tricked and gaslighted. I also feel because of my low self confidence I tend to get shy and closed off around healthy, nice guys/ good people in general and they sense this. 

How the hell do I fix myself? Why do I think anyone on an internet forum can answer that for me? I don't know, I guess I'm just venting. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a**h***s because I'm too messed up to accept decent people into my life.

Edited February 29, 2020 by Wearyone
Wrong word

[schlumpy]

Where are meeting your boyfriends and what are looking for in relationship? Are you extrovert or introvert although the later seems more probable.

Have you considered meeting men through the network of friends and family? If you can't make a good choice perhaps you can borrow their common sense?

[d0nnivain]

I'm  concerned that you have had years of therapy but your self esteem hasn't improved.  If you have always been with the same therapist, get a new one. 

Have you ever read any book about self confidence & self esteem?  Start there.  

You need to fix what's broken in you before you can attract emotionally healthier partners.  

 

 

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[alphamale]

most people are dysfunctional in some way, shape or form

[BaileyB]

I would also encourage a new therapist. Good luck.

Edited February 29, 2020 by BaileyB

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

I'm  concerned that you have had years of therapy but your self esteem hasn't improved.  If you have always been with the same therapist, get a new one. 

Have you ever read any book about self confidence & self esteem?  Start there.  

You need to fix what's broken in you before you can attract emotionally healthier partners. 

As the saying goes..."you attract what you are..." Something like that.

I find that the attraction isn't the problem so much as the inability to let go of people who are dysfunctional. There is something about one's dysfunction that creates a compulsion to hold onto the other person's behaviors that seem to feed something inside the recipient. There is some kind of addiction or attraction, however disruptive, that makes it difficult for people to let bad influences go much earlier or recognize earlier.

Yes, we all have something that may not always be pleasant to deal with from day to day, but most of these issues do not make us 'dysfunctional.'

[FMW]

Yes, like attracts like.  I agree with the others that you need to find a new therapist and specifically address your low self-esteem and how to actively work on raising it. And while you're doing that take a little break from looking for or thinking about a relationship.  There is also lots of free information on the internet about this issue, spending some time checking it out might help you find something that makes an impression on you.  

Be mindful of the people around you and don't spend your free time with people who validate your low self-esteem.  Spend time with people who support you in a positive way.  Engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself - hobbies that focus on your talents and interests, volunteering, etc.   

[Gr8fuln2020]

54 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

As the saying goes..."you attract what you are..." Something like that.

I find that the attraction isn't the problem so much as the inability to let go of people who are dysfunctional. There is something about one's dysfunction that creates a compulsion to hold onto the other person's behaviors that seem to feed something inside the recipient. There is some kind of addiction or attraction, however disruptive, that makes it difficult for people to let bad influences go much earlier or recognize earlier.

Yes, we all have something that may not always be pleasant to deal with from day to day, but most of these issues do not make us 'dysfunctional.'

I wanted to clarify my earlier post. I don't necessarily mean that like attracts like in the sense that a person of a particular dysfunction attracts another with a similar dysfunction. I suspect people also understand that. I mean a person of impactful dysfunction of some kind tend to attract someone who also has some other dysfunction. For example, the OP seems to suffer from low self-esteem...guess what, a perfect type for the dysfunctional narcissist, etc.

OP, I wonder if men you date sense you are need, have low self-esteem and they tend to gravitate and pursue you because of it.

[smackie9]

Abusers prey upon the shy, meek, weak, low self esteem, emotionally damaged people. Abusers are also narcissists/psychopathic/con artist type personality that know how to be charming, tell you what you want to hear, etc to lure you, knowing your weakness for the need for acceptance, support, attention. Note: they are insecure people themselves and anyone with confidence scares them off.

When you present yourself with confidence, stability, and self worth, your increase your chances of attracting a quality person.

[Gr8fuln2020]

7 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Abusers prey upon the shy, meek, weak, low self esteem, emotionally damaged people. Abusers are also narcissists/psychopathic/con artist type personality that know how to be charming, tell you what you want to hear, etc to lure you, knowing your weakness for the need for acceptance, support, attention. Note: they are insecure people themselves and anyone with confidence scares them off.

When you present yourself with confidence, stability, and self worth, your increase your chances of attracting a quality person.

Yup. You said it better!  

 

 

[preraph]

Well, it's no surprise you are attracting dysfunctional people, because your role models were dysfunctional; and, therefore, your skills you developed are aimed at coping with dysfunctional people, not easy balanced people!  And you attract them because of that.  They are familiar to you.  You know how to relate to them because you've had practice.  Where other people might see something in their behavior as a red flag right away and reject them, you will be tolerant of it because on your scale of dysfunction you've witnessed, it may only seem minor.  So you let them in.  

 

The only answer to this is for you to get into individual counseling and really sort out your childhood.  There are things you're not even aware of that you take for normal that aren't.  At least with some counseling and delving into all that, you become more aware of things.  It's not a quick fix.  It is something you will take in, think about, rethink it as it applies to situations in your life, and maybe -- maybe -- choose to make a different decision than you did before on something or someone.  

 

Also, you were likely in the role of caretaker, so you will seek out people who need caring for instead of finding someone to support YOU emotionally, and that is something that I would hope therapy could fix so you didn't just keep taking on problematic people.  

 

I would urge you, before you ever would have a child, to have both you and the father take a parenting course so at least you can follow some rules and give the kids a fighting chance.  Good luck.

[Miss Spider]

I understand how you feel. I was a late bloomer and my  first ex was dx’d depressive  and emotionally abusive. He guilt tripped me and gaslit me. Messed me up for the longest. 
 

I don’t attract abusive people like you. But  the guys I choose to date lately have been  very clingy and needy right away. 

I think a lot of people are dysfunctional in some way when you pull their masks off. Everyone has something a little strange about them. I come from a good home/childhood. Unless you see yourself intentionally seeking men out for these traits, it may not be you. I think it’s largely a matter of things aligning to find somebody with the least issues. 

[simpycurious]

Being clingy and dependent are not attractive qualities for either a man or woman to possess.  I am also was raised in a very stable and loving 

environment so I appreciate that.  What do you mean by "gaslit"? I don't think that ANYONE should give another person the power over them to

guilt trip, control or sway their thoughts or actions.  

[preraph]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Abusers prey upon the shy, meek, weak, low self esteem, emotionally damaged people. Abusers are also narcissists/psychopathic/con artist type personality that know how to be charming, tell you what you want to hear, etc to lure you, knowing your weakness for the need for acceptance, support, attention. Note: they are insecure people themselves and anyone with confidence scares them off.

When you present yourself with confidence, stability, and self worth, your increase your chances of attracting a quality person.

It's true.  Profilers have noted that predatory humans can sense weakness just like a lion can spot the lame antelope.  Like that it's on a primal level even.  Scary.  

I didn't know you'd done therapy.  Of course, it just isn't a quick fix, but don't give up on it, and maybe you'd learn more by moving to a different therapist or style of therapy or even group.

[Miss Spider]

5 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Being clingy and dependent are not attractive qualities for either a man or woman to possess.  I am also was raised in a very stable and loving 

environment so I appreciate that.  What do you mean by "gaslit"? I don't think that ANYONE should give another person the power over them to

guilt trip, control or sway their thoughts or actions.  

Gaslight is where you manipulate someone to make them feel crazy or doubt their own judgment to gain an advantage. Like I would call him out for something he said and he would say he never said that

[Watercolors]

8 hours ago, Wearyone said:

I think I am for all these reasons attracting dysfunctional people to me like a beacon, because I am dysfunctional myself and I have no idea how to change. I've had years of therapy, yet this guy was able to slip past my radar and I honestly let myself believe for too long he was a good person. 

It alarms me how easily I can still be tricked and gaslighted. I also feel because of my low self confidence I tend to get shy and closed off around healthy, nice guys/ good people in general and they sense this. 

How the hell do I fix myself? Why do I think anyone on an internet forum can answer that for me? I don't know, I guess I'm just venting. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a**h***s because I'm too messed up to accept decent people into my life.

It's not that you are too messed up. Everyone comes with baggage. It's about finding someone whose baggage is compatible with your baggage. 
 

[carhill]

9 hours ago, Wearyone said:

How the hell do I fix myself? Why do I think anyone on an internet forum can answer that for me? I don't know, I guess I'm just venting.

Venting is cool but with that FOO you likely would benefit from some tools provided by a professional. Attracting dysfunctional people usually follows two paths, one if a person has a caretaker personality then disordered people glom onto that. Two, if one is used to love being disordered from very young, that's what love is to them unless getting the setpoint changed. Combine the two and it can be horrendously debilitating.

[BrennaR]

9 hours ago, Wearyone said:

I am a 27 year old female. I've only had about five boyfriend's in my life. I don't count the latest one because we were only officially together for two weeks and he didn't treat me the way any empathetic human being would treat a girlfriend he was meant to love. He was self absorbed, neglectful, belligerent and just plain emotionally neglectful and abusive.

I have pretty low confidence and this has been a problem for me for most of my life. I also grew up in a dysfunctional home with two mentally ill and emotionally unavailable parents. I have never been good at relating to other people in a healthy or normal way. For example I've gone many years at a time with no friends and it's only by sheer luck that I have a best friend now.

Anyway this latest, horrible disaster of a relationship has got me reflecting on all my past romantic relationships in general and I can't honestly say a single one of them was healthy and didn't feature heavy codependency or the person using me and me letting them get away with it. In the past this latest guy would have gotten away with it too but I don't put up with as much crap as I used to. 

I think I am for all these reasons attracting dysfunctional people to me like a beacon, because I am dysfunctional myself and I have no idea how to change. I've had years of therapy, yet this guy was able to slip past my radar and I honestly let myself believe for too long he was a good person. 

It alarms me how easily I can still be tricked and gaslighted. I also feel because of my low self confidence I tend to get shy and closed off around healthy, nice guys/ good people in general and they sense this. 

How the hell do I fix myself? Why do I think anyone on an internet forum can answer that for me? I don't know, I guess I'm just venting. I don't want to spend the rest of my life with a**h***s because I'm too messed up to accept decent people into my life.

If you come from a dysfunctional background it's only natural you will get into more dysfunctional relationships. Since you are aware of your issue, and you are already working on it, you are already way on your way of rebuilding your self esteem. If your formative years were spent in this neglectful environment, you can't expect the self esteem and confidence issue being fixed overnight. It is supposed to take years and therapy. If you are easily gaslit and tricked, start looking at situations more selectively and critically. Just really try to remove your ego from the issue and look at it objectively. Take a step back, when you feel confused and take a day for yourself to make decisions about a relationship etc. Act from a place of self love even if you don't exactly feel it yet and see if the feelings follow suit. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op I have a history of being in abusive relationships. I was married to one abuser for 10 years. Like you I have been desperate to break this pattern. Even though I have no MH problems and my self esteem is very healthy,  abusive people tend to flock towards me like flies around a piece of s**t. I use that analogy a lot as that’s exactly how I’ve been treated by men historically. 
 

Words of advice/ wisdom: 

1) Get yourself specific therapy for victims of abuse by a therapist who specialises in this area. 
 

2) Read/ listen to everything you can regarding abuse. Educate yourself, specifically in how to identify red flags. 
 

3) Heads up: if a man tells you that you are the most wonderful, amazing thing he has ever met after meeting you the first time, this is red flag number one. Train yourself not to be attracted to/ drawn in by this. He’s victim grooming you. Additionally if he makes reference to his exs with bitterness, disrespect and anger there is another red flag staring at you in the face. 
 

As a side note, I tracked down one of my ex’s former partners. She was lovely, attractive, very intelligent and was a far cry from the devils incarnate that my ex would have had me believe. 
 

I hope that helps. 

[OatsAndHall]

I apologize ahead of time as I know this is going to come across as cold. But, I think it needs to be said.

Predators are attracted to prey, not other predators. 

[dramafreezone]

I'm sure you ask yourself "why do I keep attracting dysfunctional people?"  That's a bad question to ask yourself.

Our brains are lazy and they're going to spit out answers that aren't necessarily designed to solve our problems, but just to answer the questions that we ask.

A better question would be "what can I do to attract the type of man I want."  Once this question becomes one that you ask yourself consistently, you'll take action to support it.  What do you want in a man?  Someone that takes responsibility and is accountable?  Well that starts with you.  Start taking responsibility and reject this idea that your childhood will control you.

I would imagine your therapist has already addressed this, but the questions we ask ourselves determine how we approach life.

You can't control what's happened in the past but you can control what happens from here on out.

Edited February 29, 2020 by dramafreezone

[justwhoiam]

5 hours ago, preraph said:

Profilers have noted that predatory humans can sense weakness just like a lion can spot the lame antelope.

Sometimes your only weakness is being a woman. I was stopped, chatted up and followed by a predator in NYC while walking down the street. It was SCARY.

[justwhoiam]

13 hours ago, Wearyone said:

I am for all these reasons attracting dysfunctional people to me like a beacon, because I am dysfunctional myself and I have no idea how to change.

...

It alarms me how easily I can still be tricked and gaslighted.

How the hell do I fix myself?

There's something very simple you can do: stop being impatient. Learn to wait for the right one. Let the guy woo/court you. Don't be easy. That's been done for centuries for a reason. Women need to be able to assess the guy's interest level and his other qualities.

[Wearyone]

Also I would appreciate it if people would refrain from bringing up past relationship posts. I am not the same person I was during that relationship and it is quite a disgusting thing to do to bring up someones worst moments when they are already hurting from a break up. I was asking for advice now, not about something that happened during one of the worst times of my life over four years ago. I do not "choke my boyfriends" and that incident was a one off event in a mutually abusive relationship. 

[salparadise]

Why is everyone telling her to ditch her therapist and get a new one? Do you have information I don't? Do you see the therapist's job as being akin to a car mechanic––let him take a look at that old car, and if after a couple of hours it's not looking and running like a new one it's gotta be his fault. Therapists aren't magicians; they can't turn you into someone else, they can only encourage/challenge you to make changes, and it's probably going to be incremental at best. She may have an excellent therapist, and if so then the chances of finding a better one in any reasonable time frame is very low. And even if she did, it takes a long time to develop the therapeutic relationship and get down to the work. OP, I say stay with your therapist unless YOU have a sense that s/he's not competent or that you don't have a good working relationship. Starting over is probably going to cost you a year or more, and there's no guarantee that the next one will be better. Could be worse. If you have doubts about progress, ask the therapist what s/he thinks about the fit. Don't make such a decision rashly, and take the *#$& you hear on the internet with a pound of salt.

Edited March 1, 2020 by salparadise