OatsAndHall Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 I've been seeing the same woman for around three months now and we both like how things have gone/where they're going. We click, have a lot in common and enjoy each other's company very much. With that being said, I've run something that is gradually becoming more and more of an issue; her family and "spontaneous plans". It is something that I have been understanding about but it's starting to bother me. She is very close with her sisters and brothers-in-law and I do enjoy their company. Before she met me, she spent the majority of her social life with them so it's been an adjustment for everyone involved. She typically spent all weekend with them and we're trying to strike a balance between spending time with them and while also getting "our time". This can be trying as her family plans things on the spur of the moment. I have been going with the flow of things as her family is important to her. It's really become an issue over the last two weekends: We planned to celebrate Valentine's Day last Saturday; we made dinner reservations and had rented a movie (neither of us was up for the theater). Her sister texted her at 3pm and invited us over to play cards. My GF asked me what I thought and I told her that I wanted to spend the evening with her and that we had made plans long to do so. She agreed but her sister was a bit persistent and wanted us to pop in and say "hello". Now, this wouldn't phase me but "popping in to say hello" can easily turn into two hour long ordeal. Again, we were celebrating Valentine's Day, we'd talked about our plans all week and it ended up being an argument when I pointed out that the last three times we dropped by their place, we were there all night. I told her that I wasn't going to be the guy sitting there tapping his watch and just wanted to continue with our plans. It was eventually resolved but made for kind of a crappy Valentine's Day. Our plans this weekend have been shot up because of family plans as well. We made date plans for tonight (Friday night is typically our date night) but her sisters planned a big party for their father tonight late in the week. I'm not invited to this function which I get; it's family only. . She felt bad that "our night" was cancelled so we planned to spend tomorrow day and evening together. However, I just got a text stating that our afternoon plans are shot to hell as she is going to a baby shower for a friend of her daughter's. I am desperately trying to be flexible and understanding; her family is important to her and they are tight. At the heart of it, I know that I need to be accepting of some of this. With that being said, I am frustrated. We have shuffled around plans at the last minute to accommodate her family on multiple occasions as she feels obligated because she's not spending as much time with them as she used to.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 3 months in is quite early to already be annoyed with this in my opinion. How was the Valentine's thing "eventually resolved?" DId you give in or did she?
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) I'm so sorry to read this, OH. I was excited to see you've found someone you've really clicked with but sounds as if she's a package deal with the family. I doubt you'll change it and possibly if you marry she'll gradually begin to get back to her regular family routine. Does she have children? How old is she? Seems to me the only way this R will work out is for you to become part of the entire family. Or maybe take the R to a therapist when it gets serious to get help working through the issue. That is, if you can hold out until then! I'm with you on this, though. You made your Valentine's Day plans. IMO, she should have told her sister she already had plans. Or at least have demonstrated to you that she has the ability to stop by her familys' homes for fifteen to thirty minutes, then leave. Not everyone can do that, though. How about talking with her about the idea of learning to stop by for fifteen or twenty minutes. You could suggest timing it on your phones and when the buzzer goes off you leave. No reason to hide it from her sister. Tell them the two of you are working this deal out. That way you're not the bad guy checking your phone all the time. Maybe you can train her this way, lol! Possibly this issue has kept her from marrying in the past. IOW, kept someone else from marrying her. Edited February 29, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease punctuation 1
Gaeta Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 Welll That's a story for me as I am very close to my brothers and their family and we do spend a considerable amount of time together, plus holidays, plus vacationing together, monthly brunch, monthly b'day parties, and the beer by the pool invites, it never ends. When I started dating my boyfriend and he realized what he got himself into he expressed that it was a bit too much for him. We agreed he doesn't have to come with me all the time. I let him decide which events he wants to come along. You cannot fight family, don't even try. You cannot ask her to not attend her family events to be alone with you. She will just feel guilty and build resentment toward you. You can schedule nights together ahead of time and ask her to respect the engagement you've made toward each other. If she doesn't then she is not reliable. I repeat, you do not have to go with her every time. If you don't go along she will miss you and she'll arrange to see you don't worry. When my boyfriend doesn't come with me I look forward to going home to him. If he comes with me we will end up playing games till late, come back tired and crash. Don't jump in her guinea pig wheel. It's one of the reason why I love and respect my boyfriend he spells out his boundaries very clearly. At 3 months relationships usually go forward or end. It's when we start introducing family and friends to the mix and it allows us to really get to know who we are dealing with. It's also the time for couples to start spending more time together, weekend and middle-week. Do you spend week nights together? It sounds to me like you only have weekends so it's split between you and her family so her solution is to put all of it in the same pot. 1
Happy Lemming Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 I HATE when plans change. If I've gone through the trouble of "date planning" something nice and then my date wants to change it, I'd really get torqued (especially if it was a Valentines Day celebration). I really think this is going to turn into a deal breaker. Family in small metered doses is OK, but the fact that the sister was persistent about you two "popping in for a few minutes" is too intrusive and just plain rude. The sister should have said... "Oh I didn't realize you two were celebrating Valentines Day, enjoy yourselves... We'll catch up next week" There was nothing "Earth Shattering" that required your presence and could have waited until another time. Again, RUDE on the sister's part and selfish on your girlfriend's part for even pushing the issue that you stop by. I think you need to put your foot down!! Otherwise you will always be "Plan B" to your new girlfriend and never take priority. As a side note, 3 months is usually when the "chinks in the armor" start to show in a person's behavior. The person's true colors come out and you begin to learn exactly who you are dealing with. 5 1
FMW Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 Do you spend time together during the week? If so, maybe she just has a need for more space/time apart than you do (or at least doesn't mind it) and doesn't see having other plans as a problem. But if weekends are your only time together, then obviously that's a problem. And the Valentines day thing is ridiculous - you're a new couple, why would her sister "insist" on being part of your plans on that particular day? Your frustration is very understandable. Family is important but it shouldn't take priority over your significant other (if that's what you both are working toward). 1
Author OatsAndHall Posted February 29, 2020 Author Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) @CautiouslyOptimistic That issue was resolved when she finally relented and agreed that we'd probably end up there all night. And, by me pointing out that these were special plans that we had made weeks ago. @LivingWaterPlease She's 45, has grown children and has been divorced. And, her description of her ex's behavior towards her family is keeping me from trying to put a time limit on anything. She mentioned that he didn't like being over there all the time and would pester her to go home. So, as far as "popping by goes" I typically just go along for the ride or I go back to her place and crash (I live an hour away). @Gaeta I made it clear to her early on that I wouldn't ask her to choose between me and her family. If I want to go over to her family's house, I do so. If I don't, I don't. I've skipped a few family events I've been invited to as they weren't appealing or I was tired. It certainly is a hamster wheel that I knew not to jump on, especially given the fact that they're night owls and I'm not. Unfortunately, we live an hour apart so weekends are the only time we get right now. She decided that she would make one weekend night ours, no matter what and nothing has changed there. Right now, it's the baby shower tomorrow that has me a bit annoyed. We'd agreed to spend the day and night together but who knows how long that event is going to take. I'm doing my best to stay calm about it but I won't be thrilled if the baby shower drags into the night. I'm not going to hang around town, waiting for her to get back and she'll be upset when I just go home. But, I'm also not going to dictate anything so that is just something she'll have to live with if it happens. @Happy Lemming Her and I are doing our best to avoid it being a deal-breaker. She's stayed consistent with giving us one weekend night per week and hopefully it stays that way. I also hate it when plans change and that it some of the reactive driving force behind the issue. Her family will plan a movie night (GREAT!) but then change it at the drop of a hat to playing cards until 1am (Nope..). I'll draw a boundary if one of "our" weekend night gets consumed by her family and I'm hoping it's not tomorrow night... Edited February 29, 2020 by OatsAndHall
mortensorchid Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 I think if it was a special occasion (like Valentine's Day) that's something that is specific to couple behaviors. I would expect all my paired friends to be doing things with their spouse/SO and I would bow out out of courtesy to them. But that being said I think she should have declined the sister's offer for that day to be with you for it. So how did you resolve it?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) Only seeing each other on weekends.....it's gonna be tough for her NOT to have to spend time on other obligations. A baby shower is often a once in a lifetime thing for a woman, for example. What's she supposed to do? Skip it for a 3 month relationship? I wouldn't. I suspect these things would not be big issues if you lived closer and didn't have to only rely on weekends (when most social events happen) to get together. I also suspect she's feeling a lot of pressure..... Edited February 29, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic 1
Gaeta Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 16 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said: I'm not going to hang around town, waiting for her to get back and she'll be upset when I just go home. Eventually you will have a key and it will make things easier. Does she go to your place sometimes? Being an hour away from her family would make it easier to stay away from them. . 1
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 Not sure what it's like where you live but here baby showers typically top out at two hours. Sometimes they're shorter. If it begins early afternoon surely it won't last into the evening. Unless it's a family thing. For the long term, seems she's interested in working through this issue. Does she ever want to spend time with her grown children? They may be LD or not wanting to spend a whole lot of time with her? Or are they part of the equation?
Author OatsAndHall Posted February 29, 2020 Author Posted February 29, 2020 @CautiouslyOptimistic@LivingWaterPlease The baby shower bothers me because we'd already made plans and then it just popped up. I'm really hoping that it's just a typical baby shower and doesn't last long. She said she was going to bag out on it early but I never know when it comes to family time. I'm ranting and raving a bit on here but I don't put any pressure on her when it comes to this stuff. I did get a tad irate on Valentine's Day but I think that was understandable. She's spends time with her daughter and son-in-law but not so much with her other kids. I avoid hanging out with her daughter and son-in-law but that's an entirely different can of worms that I'm not going to get into (I get along with them fine; extenuating circumstances). @Gaeta I have the key combination to her place which does make things easier with her family. I've bagged out on family stuff early a few times at later at night and just gone back to her place and crashed.
preraph Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 I wouldn't be able to stand that. I'm just not enough of a family person I guess. And I don't think it's at all fair to have something planned and agreed on and then to get changed last minute. I have a friend that I've known for a long time and she's the same way. the difference being her sister and daughter don't live here but she will drop anything and she doesn't care if you like it or not if they pop up. I don't like it at all. I just wouldn't ever be able to do that long-term. And I probably wouldn't hardly ever go to the family functions because I'd be bored to tears. Look the last guy quit her for the same reason. So this is going to be an issue with anyone she seeing. She's let relationships go before because of it so I don't see much hope for you reaching a livable compromise on it. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said: @CautiouslyOptimistic@LivingWaterPlease The baby shower bothers me because we'd already made plans and then it just popped up. I'm really hoping that it's just a typical baby shower and doesn't last long. She said she was going to bag out on it early but I never know when it comes to family time. I'm ranting and raving a bit on here but I don't put any pressure on her when it comes to this stuff. I did get a tad irate on Valentine's Day but I think that was understandable. If I was a betting woman, I'd say she's already, 3 months in, worried about telling you about weekend commitments she has because she knows you will get annoyed. I've been there. She may just be telling you the baby shower just "popped up" but baby and bridal showers do not usually work that way..... ETA: Stuff like this is literally one of the reasons I do not want to date at this point in my life. I don't want to have to "choose." Edited February 29, 2020 by CautiouslyOptimistic
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 20 minutes ago, OatsAndHall said: @CautiouslyOptimistic@LivingWaterPlease She said she was going to bag out on it early but I never know when it comes to family time. I'm ranting and raving a bit on here but I don't put any pressure on her when it comes to this stuff. I did get a tad irate on Valentine's Day but I think that was understandable. She's spends time with her daughter and son-in-law but not so much with her other kids. I avoid hanging out with her daughter and son-in-law but that's an entirely different can of worms that I'm not going to get into (I get along with them fine; extenuating circumstances). Ooooooh, family is involved in the shower? I hope she keeps her plan to bag out on it early and she may!
Pumaza Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 People who are close to their big family may have alot of occassions with them. It can be annnoying if you come from a small family and not very close like her. You are getting to know her. And she is getting to know you. Valentine is a day people do stuff with their lovers. She should have made it about you. Its weird that sister can ask you guys come over on valentine, but not on a party for the dad. Since you guys are getting to know eachother, you should ask yourself where is this going, and what are we doing. She cant leave her family to just be alone with you even on the long run. So some part of it you should accept or find someone else. And if she respects you she would hear you to and not cancel on you many times.But in this case its just twice? Keep the communication open.
chillii Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 l mean it;s always gonna be a big thing for her unfortunately and very important. Family stuff is one of the biggest things imo if a couple can't find their happy ground. Personally l can't do too much family and thankfully my gf is the same and most of hers are os anyway , most of mine are 3hours away , but we both treasure our time and protect it so this all works nicely for us both. ex w on the other hand, we use to live 30mins away and they were popping up all over the place or inviting us out to yet another tea every 5mins, never ended, drove me crazy and her a little bit too. So later on when we moved back to this state we moved 3hours a way this time , figured they'd drive up for a day now and then and that'd be that, huh, dream on. They started coming up for wkends and when we didn't have room they brought the fkg caravan, it never ended, can't say as l miss it. lt's gonna be a tough one for ya over the long term l'm afraid and damned if ya do or don;t. Good luck.
Blind-Sided Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 11 hours ago, Gaeta said: ............ You cannot fight family, don't even try. ............ 11 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: I HATE when plans change. .... I really think this is going to turn into a deal breaker. ........ Unfortunately... the above is the reality. OK... family to many people is deeper than any relationship... especially early on. So... if you don't want it to turn into a deal breaker... you have to talk with her. Let her know that you don't have a problem hanging out with her family... but they CAN NOT supersede plans that have already been made. AND... that your new GF is the one who has to say... "We have plans". The issue is... she is so use to leaning on her family for support... she can't tell them no now. But if she doesn't respect your feelings... then it will eventually be the end. 1
introverted1 Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 7 hours ago, Pumaza said: Its weird that sister can ask you guys come over on valentine, but not on a party for the dad. Agree. I find it very odd that the sister would ask you guys over on V-Day and make a thing of it, no matter how close-knit the family is. O&H, is the family welcoming to you? Is it possible some of this activity is to stake their claim or close ranks? Also, is this the same woman who slept with her handyman who never finished the job/left his tools in her driveway? If so, is it possible she has a history of poor judgement and the family is trying to protect her, albeit clumsily? 1
Author OatsAndHall Posted February 29, 2020 Author Posted February 29, 2020 7 hours ago, introverted1 said: Agree. I find it very odd that the sister would ask you guys over on V-Day and make a thing of it, no matter how close-knit the family is. O&H, is the family welcoming to you? Is it possible some of this activity is to stake their claim or close ranks? Also, is this the same woman who slept with her handyman who never finished the job/left his tools in her driveway? If so, is it possible she has a history of poor judgement and the family is trying to protect her, albeit clumsily? I find her sisters to be intrusive: they tend to appear when they know we have plans. So, I wasn't surprised that i wasn't invited to the event last night. And, I'm not surprised that they tried to set up a "movie night" that I was invited to tonight. Her parents are great towards me: they're kind people and I appreciate them. I love hanging out with her brothers-in-law as they're great guys. They told my GF they wish I had been invited last night. Her sisters are a different story. They keep me at arms length and are distant. I get the feeling that her sisters don't like that the status quo has changed. They had unlimited access to her for five years and now they're upset that has changed. I believe they're upset because I'm not going to spend my entire weekend with them. Or change plans when they decide they want to get together. Yes, this is the same woman I described in my last thread. But, I don't think her sisters are protecting her: she's been single for five years by choice and was married for 20 before that. So her family's experience with her dating life is limited to me. I can understand my GF's reactions to these situations with her family. We've only been together three months and they've basically been her entire social life for a long time. So, I feel that some of it comes down to protecting herself and the rest is just her norm. Finding that happy medium is tough. All and all, time will sort things out. We've agreed that we get one weekend night together and that's all I ask. I don't think it's too much to ask as she has two standing family events every week and also spends a ton of time on the week days with them. If she allows them to intrude on our one night together, then I'll establish a boundary. We agreed on that one night together and I'm not hanging out with her family on said-evening. If she wants to go, so be it; I'll just go home. 2
Gaeta Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 One night a week together seems little to me. How is a relationship expected to evolve under these conditions. 1
Author OatsAndHall Posted February 29, 2020 Author Posted February 29, 2020 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: One night a week together seems little to me. How is a relationship expected to evolve under these We spend a lot of time together on the weekends: nights and days. Sometimes alone, sometimes with her family. I ask that we get the one night alone together without her family. She's all about that, honestly; she was kind of upset that we didn't get our Friday night together as they're important to both of us.
Lotsgoingon Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 She was upset but she couldn't say no to her sister? This just comes down to preference ... Unless the family is spectacularly fascinating, fantastic storytellers, thoughtful, kind, reasonable and a whole lot more ..... I don't really want to be with someone THAT close to their family. And if the person cannot carve out Valentine's Day time ... that's a no-no for me ... a flat-out deal breaker. But ... you'll have to see how things go ... good luck ... this is a challenge.
Author OatsAndHall Posted March 1, 2020 Author Posted March 1, 2020 15 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said: She was upset but she couldn't say no to her sister? This just comes down to preference ... Unless the family is spectacularly fascinating, fantastic storytellers, thoughtful, kind, reasonable and a whole lot more ..... I don't really want to be with someone THAT close to their family. And if the person cannot carve out Valentine's Day time ... that's a no-no for me ... a flat-out deal breaker. But ... you'll have to see how things go ... good luck ... this is a challenge. She wasn't upset that I said "no" to popping by; she took it personally when I pointed out that we'd be there for hours. It wasn't late so stopping in to say hello for a half hour would've been fun; I like chatting with her brothers-in-law.
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