Getting dates, but nothing moving forward. Afraid to flirt? or just how online dating is?

[figure_this_0ut]

35 Male.

I haven't dated in a long while, but started online dating late last year. So a lot of this is new to me, and I'm wondering if this is just how online dating is? To preface, I'm not looking for anything casual or fwb's or one night stands, which says so in my profile. I'm in this for a partner, long-term hopefully. I'm not into rushing into a relationship, even a sexual relationship, super fast. It's just never been me. Not my style. And because of that, maybe I'm possibly going a little to slow on building attraction?

For me, online dating has been awesome. I have a good profile, my text game is on point, I think I'm attractive (and I guess that confidence works),  because going from the app to an actual date has never been an issue once we match. In fact, going from the first date to a second and third hasn't been that hard either. On these dates, I normally will do slight touching of the hand, like when we're both laughing. Lots of eye contact and smiles, hugs beginning / end of dates (if they are receptive). Some flirty stuff over text. But that's about it. I just kind of like seeing where it evolves naturally, and l haven't been bothered much to change my approach. Which has led to emotions fizzling out, either for me or for her, between the third and fourth date every single time.

I figured this is okay. If emotions fizzle out that early, we're probably not the right person for each other at that moment in time.

But I really like this woman I'm dating right now. More so than the other's I have dated, or continue to date. But I'm afraid it's starting off exactly the same. Match, first date with immediate plans for a second. Second date is great. Lots of eye contact, smiles, hugs, etc, immediate plans for a third date. And then here is where I get worried. If pattern follows, interest is lost pretty quickly after the third date on either of our sides. Either I lose interest because my very rookie flirting skills aren't getting reciprocated, or they do for whatever reasons they have. Am I just not creating enough tension? Showing enough interest? Not flirty enough? Or is this just how online dating, and dating in general, is. You try your best, and sometimes you just aren't right for each other so you move on to swiping again?

I've never been one to overtly flirt. I've always just liked conversation, eye contact, and if the moment felt right, touching on the arm and a hug goodnight. That's about it. And this worked in my youth. But now that I've had a long break from dating (purposefully), it seems enough to get me to a third and fourth date, but nothing further. 

I've googled this, but most the crap that comes up is pick up artist stuff that I'm not that interested in, at all.

Should I just keep going like this? In my head, it's being respectful and wanting to get to know her. But maybe I can do a little more?

[SumGuy]

So do you kiss by the third or fourth date?

If not she likely thinks you are not interested or too asexual for her tastes.  There is a lot of territory between flirting and hugging and sex. 

There are certainly women who are into not kissing for some time, but typically for religious type reasons.  I'm related to some  but general OLD sites are not necessarily where to find them, more so the stes with that religious component.

Glad to see you not much for the PUA stuff, in the beginning there your language all seemed to come from that community.

There is also nothing like communication if you feel your actions (or lack thereof) are being misread.

 

[Miss Spider]

You’re not escalating physically quick enough. If a guy didn’t try to give me a swift kiss at least by the second date I’d assume he’s not that interested and lose interest....

[figure_this_0ut]

I reread my post. My friend is into PUA, so maybe some of his language might have rubbed off on me? He talks about it sometimes, but I just ignore him or roll my eyes. It never works for him anyways, he just likes living vicariously through it lol! But yeah, I think PUA is gross. I guess I was just trying to make a point that I'm having fun, and not a hard time with anything much until the 3rd date. I have friends that have MUCH harder times moving things off the app, so I always count myself lucky there.

I think that could be it. The kissing?

Since I started online dating, despite my luck in getting off the apps, I've only kissed three of the women. Two were overtly flirty the whole date, and it felt easy just to kiss them. The third woman, we kissed after I asked, but we both kinda lost interest in each other afterwards. 

So maybe I'm thinking about this too much, but, especially recently, I've always wanted to make sure a woman was okay with kissing without me just leaning in like it's expected. So if there's a date where the flirting is going back and forth, we're sitting side by side and not moving away from each other, etc, I can read something that overtly and kiss. Even then, I ask if I can kiss her. But most of the time, in the back of my head, I think, "It's only the third date and we've been having fun, but is it enough fun for a kiss?" And I just don't do anything.

[figure_this_0ut]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

You’re not escalating physically quick enough. If a guy didn’t try to give me a swift kiss at least by the second date I’d assume he’s not that interested and lose interest....

I'm assuming that's not across the board though? Generation / age? I don't know why, but I hold this idea in my head that a kiss, even a quick one, means more than it probably actually does.  

[SumGuy]

22 minutes ago, figure_this_0ut said:

I'm assuming that's not across the board though? Generation / age? I don't know why, but I hold this idea in my head that a kiss, even a quick one, means more than it probably actually does.  

The kiss means what is put into it.  A quick peck is very different from a lingering encounter.   Having fun and a third date is prime time to kiss in my book.  

I'm in my 50s and find if we are hitting it off a kiss happens on the first date often..certainly no later than second date if it the interaction is good.  To be honest if never felt we got to the level for a kiss by date 2, likely would not be a date 3. 

[figure_this_0ut]

Thanks for your suggestion. I guess it's more anxiety on my part. We have a third date scheduled, guess I'll see what happens then!

1 minute ago, SumGuy said:

The kiss means what is put into it.  A quick peck is very different from a lingering encounter.   Having fun and a third date is prime time to kiss in my book.  

I'm in my 50s and find if we are hitting it off a kiss happens on the first date often..certainly no later than second date if it the interaction is good.  To be honest if never felt we got to the level for a kiss by date 2, likely would not be a date 3. 

 

[Miss Spider]

Yea Im in my 20s . It means you’re attracted to her is all it really means. It’s kind of a test for ‘’chemistry” or physical compatibility, so don’t really like to put it off. I mean it is online dating. You basically cut to the chase and force yourself in a dating situation with a stranger you think you might be attracted to. No reason to take it that slow imo. 

[SumGuy]

1 minute ago, figure_this_0ut said:

Thanks for your suggestion. I guess it's more anxiety on my part. We have a third date scheduled, guess I'll see what happens then!

 

That's fine.  My anxiety level on such things was much higher when younger, thought much the same way.   I think as we (meaning me and the women I've dated) are older and all either divorced, widowed, and all with kids we at some point were raising ourselves....a kiss just isn't enough any more to provoke an anxiety response.  Teaching my teenagers to merge on the highway, that is anxiety.

[simpycurious]

56 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

You’re not escalating physically quick enough. If a guy didn’t try to give me a swift kiss at least by the second date I’d assume he’s not that interested and lose interest....

Cookie

Are you tough on these guys??

 

I am joking of course....

Edited February 28, 2020 by simpycurious

[Miss Spider]

1 hour ago, simpycurious said:

Cookie

Are you tough on these guys??

 

I am joking of course....

Simpy haha no I am quite easy on them. I am very sweet to my dates but you bring up a good point.
 

OP,  I would say it might be that you’re not escalating quick enough if she is seems open and receptive and things are going well. Don’t try to escalate to kiss if  she seems closed off and not into it. There are signals we give when we like you. Good luck 

 

Edited February 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[simpycurious]

2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Simpy haha no I am quite easy on them. I am very sweet to my dates but you bring up a good point.
 

OP,  I would say it might be that you’re not escalating quick enough, if she is seems open and receptive and things are going well. Don’t try to escalate to kids  if she seems closed off and not into it. There are signals we give when we like you. Good luck 

 

LOL....I am sure you are sweet and I can say without reservation that they are lucky to get to date a lady like you

[OpenBook]

OP, I think all you need is more patience with the dating process. I don't see anything wrong with what you're doing now. You are being true to yourself, and there's a woman out there who will appreciate you for who you are, without you worrying about what you're doing (or not doing). When it's the right girl - BOOM it happens. No matter what you do.

[ccas93]

Yeah, you are definitely taking too long to escalate things. I'm a 26M here, any time I've gotten involved with someone (like a relationship or multiple dates), we've either made out or even had sex on the first date. Whenever I didn't get a second date with someone, I also never kissed them on the first date even if we had a good time (though I recognize that's a correlation, not causation - I'm thinking about one date in particular from a few months ago). If you don't move super fast in terms of intimacy, that's fine, but I'd still make it a point to create enough attraction/chemistry/physical touching for a kiss/makeout session on the first date, maybe the second at the latest. Definitely not the third or fourth. 

Edited February 29, 2020 by ccas93