Melrose78 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 I'm curious. When you have been on a few dates with someone, who at the start would message everyday n now goes days without messaging, is that pretty standard with a lot of guys? I suspect he's not a huge phone person as it is and also is a bit walls up. We're both taking our time getting to know one another but I detect a slight change
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 I am not one who likes daily contact early on & some inane daily message for the sake of sending something would make me crazy. If the quality of the dates is still good, let the lack of daily messages slide It is a function of being more comfortable, not having to try sooo hard. 5
Author Melrose78 Posted February 27, 2020 Author Posted February 27, 2020 I'm more curious then anything. It's probably because previously I've jumped in head first n I'm not use to this pace. I know it's a good thing I would rather go slow. He's offered a couple of times to come around n I've declined. Not because I don't like him. More because for both our sakes small steps seem to work best at the moment.
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Just now, Melrose78 said: He's offered a couple of times to come around n I've declined. Not because I don't like him. More because for both our sakes small steps seem to work best at the moment. I don't understand. Are you saying that he is offering to spend time with you but you say no & now you are complaining the messages have slowed but you are upset because you prefer the messages to the in person interactions? That is how I interpreted what you are saying & it sound messed up. The messages are meaningless throw away garbage. You can't base a relationship on them. If you are discouraging this guy from spending time with you, you are going to end up ruining this before it gets started. Slow is one thing. That is more about guarding your own heart & not getting carried away emotionally. Pushing him away from you is a step toward breaking up because he thinks you are not interested. 5
Legatus Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 There's no right or wrong here. Some people need a little bit more contact than others. It's all about being synchronised with the other person, however, what I learned the hard way, at the beginning you have to be prepared for anything. What I would suggest is that you do let the other person know, subtly, what kind of communication method you prefer. Just so they don't say "how was I supposed to know" 2 months later when you actually raise it, even politely. If you need a little bit more contact, initiate it, but slowly. 1
stillafool Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 I would much rather see each other in person than contact thru text unless it's to confirm arrangements to meet. If I offered to see someone 2 times in person and they declined I would move on. What is the use of still making contact at that point. 1
Blind-Sided Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 3 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I don't understand. Are you saying that he is offering to spend time with you but you say no & now you are complaining the messages have slowed but you are upset because you prefer the messages to the in person interactions? ......... If you are discouraging this guy from spending time with you, you are going to end up ruining this before it gets started. ............ I absolutely agree. If I was just starting to date someone... and I heard no more than a couple times... I would start to back off too. I'm with @d0nnivain on this... you may be killing the relationship before getting it started. With that said... if you guys were going out more often... and you were saying yes more often (since you said you liked him) then yes... a guy will typically start slowing messages because a relationship will be established... and you will have more face to face conversations. txt'ing will slow down to just planning a date, or asking how your day was of the next date is a few days out.
SumGuy Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 3 hours ago, Melrose78 said: I'm more curious then anything. It's probably because previously I've jumped in head first n I'm not use to this pace. I know it's a good thing I would rather go slow. He's offered a couple of times to come around n I've declined. Not because I don't like him. More because for both our sakes small steps seem to work best at the moment. It may be he is slowing down his messaging as you are sending him signals you want to slow down by declining to see him. The simple solution is communication about the communication you like. Leave reading tea leaves to situations where there is no other choice. 2 1
dramallama Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 My guy is a big texter, he started off at 5-10 messages per day (woah!) and over 6 months it's settled into 3 'check ins' during the day plus a longer conversation in the evening, on average. Like others, I think you declining invitiations may be contributing to him slowing his pace. 1
Author Melrose78 Posted February 27, 2020 Author Posted February 27, 2020 The times I've declined has also been due to limitations on how long we could spend together eg one day he offered to help me in the garden. I knew that by the time he were to get to my house, we would have been lucky to have had an hour together. He lives an hour away. Quote 5 hours ago, d0nnivain said: I don't understand. Are you saying that he is offering to spend time with you but you say no & now you are complaining the messages have slowed but you are upset because you prefer the messages to the in person interactions? That is how I interpreted what you are saying & it sound messed up. The messages are meaningless throw away garbage. You can't base a relationship on them. If you are discouraging this guy from spending time with you, you are going to end up ruining this before it gets started. Slow is one thing. That is more about guarding your own heart & not getting carried away emotionally. Pushing him away from you is a step toward breaking up because he thinks you are not interested. And there's are difference in complaining and asking. I detect he's very guarded, no matter what I do and say. I'm not use to it but trying to understand and work around it so neither of us feels pressured . We arranged for our 5th date Saturday night a few days ago. So here's hoping for a nice night out 1
Author Melrose78 Posted March 1, 2020 Author Posted March 1, 2020 Well. I found out the reason why he wasn't messaging me. It got to Friday n I hadn't heard anything. So I sent a message asking if we were still on for Saturday's night. After no reply for awhile (not normal for him) I sent a message basically saying I had a feeling he wasn't interested in me in that way, if I was correct it was fine, that's what dating is all about . Still nothing. So I said to have enough respect to respond. If it was what I thought it was, I will leave it at that. 40 minutes later I get a call from an unknown number. I decline it. Then I get a message. From his phone. Asking me to please call his mum n a phone number. Of course I freak, wondering if he's been in a car accident. His mum answers n starts telling me he had been 2 court 2 days before. They thought/hoped because he had never had any criminal record, he would be placed on a good behaviour bond for his assault charge. But because of the type of assault it was, he was given 3 months. I wasn't thinking. She just said he had gotten into a pushing n shoving situation but didn't elaborate. I think because she wasn't sure how much he would want me to know. She said he did say he cares about me and wanted me to know what had happened. I've asked her to ask him to call me. From what I can understand he was drunk, something happened n he quite possibly got into an altercation with a cop. I'm not sure. All I do know is the fact that he couldn't be honest with me n tell me he was still going to court n there was a possible he would go to jail. Wtf. Why start dating someone, why change jobs, why by a new car with all of this going on??? Was he that convinced he would get off due to no previous incident? In Australia if he make physical contact with an emergency personnel you get jail. No matter what the situation is. I had a feeling something wasn't quite right. That he was holding back a bit. Now I know why! 1 3
Fletch Lives Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 Sorry about that. No wonder he was acting weird.
Fletch Lives Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 2 minutes ago, elaine567 said: So when do you plan to visit? - You mean when is she going to visit him in jail? I'm betting never. 1
Author Melrose78 Posted March 1, 2020 Author Posted March 1, 2020 I want to know what happened. Why he didn't tell me. Hopefully he calls and has a decent explanation. If not, I don't want to hear from him again. We all make mistakes. He made a huge one. But to not tell me, knowing what he knows about me n my past hurts. Not good at all.
d0nnivain Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 He didn't tell you because he's embarrassed -- assuming he's basically a good guy who made a mistake while drunk. He wanted you to know him before you judged him against his worst day. If you didn't know him, but he told you this up front you probably would have walked away without giving him any chance. While I may be able to look past the event if I saw genuine remorse, the immaturity of not telling you himself & making his mom do his dirty work would send me packing. You needed to be informed about the court date by him. If you go forward with him you must be prepared for violent drunken outbursts toward you and the idea that he will never be mature enough to address his own problems. You will be saddled with a man child.
Fletch Lives Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 1 minute ago, d0nnivain said: He didn't tell you because he's embarrassed -- assuming he's basically a good guy who made a mistake while drunk. - That's a lot of assuming. Maybe the guy has a rap sheet that stretches from U.S.A. to Australia 1
Author Melrose78 Posted March 1, 2020 Author Posted March 1, 2020 He would have needed all my details to call me himself. Theres a procedure he would need to follow first at the prison and chances are he doesn't know all of it without having his phone. Your first statement I think is correct. But I deserved the right to know. And if he does call, I will be telling him.
Author Melrose78 Posted March 1, 2020 Author Posted March 1, 2020 1 minute ago, Fletch Lives said: - That's a lot of assuming. Maybe the guy has a rap sheet that stretches from U.S.A. to Australia No. His mum made it quite clear his never been in trouble before. The crazy thing is he's an ex cop. Yes, laws changed since he was one in regards to assaulting an emergency personnel, but seriously? Bloody hard way to learn a lesson! It explains previous comments on making selfish mistakes and having to grow up from them.
Fletch Lives Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 Okay. But cops are a high risk group for being narcissists. I'm wondering - since you have only had a few dates and probably are not too heavily invested, and this guy is now stuck in jail........why continue to date him? 1 1
Miss Spider Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 2 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: Okay. But cops are a high risk group for being narcissists. I'm wondering - since you have only had a few dates and probably are not too heavily invested, and this guy is now stuck in jail........why continue to date him? Agreed...this is way too much drama. He few dates in and he’s(assuming it’s true) he has an assault charge he kept hidden? What other stuff could there be. Not sure why you wouldn’t just walk away from this mess. There’s more where that came from. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 (edited) Domestic violence, drinking is also well-known among cops. His drinking and getting drunk was not an accident. That was premeditated and deliberate. Everyone knows that that immediately puts people at risk of losing their core faculties and decision making processes. I hope he doesn't have a drinking problem. He certainly does not have self-control. Just because he hasn't or doesn't have a record doesn't mean he hasn't been violent, drunk on other occasions in the past. In fact, I have no doubt he drinks to excess as a matter of entertainment or worse. He not telling you is odd as heck. Being at court, what does that mean in Australia? Was he detained? Didn't have access to a phone? Given a chance to tell his side, you will get HIS SIDE. This incident sounds more serious. Where were there police? Why was he involved? Were the police called because of him? I hope you find out what you need to. I could not get involved with such a person. Too many red flags already...and not worth the risk. Edited March 1, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 1 1
preraph Posted March 1, 2020 Posted March 1, 2020 I would be far more worried that he had some domestic abuse in his past. Anyway if he got into it with a cop, he doesn't have a brain in his head, especially since he knows about it since he used to be one if that's even true. You don't need some aggressive guy.Spend $25 and do a background check on him if you think you know his real name. 1
Author Melrose78 Posted March 1, 2020 Author Posted March 1, 2020 21 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: Okay. But cops are a high risk group for being narcissists. I'm wondering - since you have only had a few dates and probably are not too heavily invested, and this guy is now stuck in jail........why continue to date him? I never said I'm going to continue dating him. I want to know what happened and why not be honest with me. I'm someone who bases my response on facts. I choose not to judge without knowing what happened. 1
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