Wife had an Emotional Affair

[Djangogus]

My wife and I have been married for 25 years. She graduated college before I did and got a job at a middle school in Texas. I will say this was 20 years ago, but we were already married and had a young child. One night I heard her talking to someone on the phone. I only remember her saying something about "we have to sneak around". I confronted her about it and of course it was all a big misunderstanding.

I did call the coach she was talking about and another coach that she worked with, but of course they covered it up. Time went on and slowly she regained my trust. Fast forward to now..... I would think about it from time to time and recently I was going through some old pics and found a scrapbook from her time there. There were several pics of this guy, pics of her in his room, a shower paper for his newborn son they did at the school, a birthday card he gave her that he wrote "Now your legal! Haha" (she was 30) etc....obviously he was married too with a little one.

 I thought maybe I can get her to come clean about the lying. In all this time she has been a good wife and mom. It was a long time ago but I still thought it mattered because we were married and had a kid. I told her someone from that town (it was over 30 minutes away) had contacted me on FB and told me that 100% she had an affair with this guy. She thought about it and finally told me.......first off she said the phone call really was a misunderstanding.

She said they were friends and did hang out some at school. She also said lots of people at school accused them of having an affair. Obviously they were spending enough time together that people were noticing. It culminated in all the coaches going golfing and then out to eat that night. She said they all got drunk and she couldn't remember everything about that night. She said they drove their own cars, stopped for him to get some condoms, got a hotel room and had sex not once, but twice! Then they went home.

She said she felt terrible the next day and was embarrassed to go to work on Monday. But then she said they continued flirting and talking about what they were going to do from that point. Ultimately, they decided to just be friends and pretend that it never happened. I asked her if she ever kissed him before or after that night, she swore that she had not. I asked her whose idea it was to get a hotel (she couldn't remember). I asked her if she had an orgasm (she couldn't remember).

I asked her about everyone thinking they had an affair (she said small town, rumors were flying around about everyone). I told her that after having a one night stand most people would go home after one time and that they must have had deeper feelings for one another to wait around to have sex again. She said she was just drunk. There's more, but you get the big picture. We move schools a couple of years later and guess what? This guy is coaching another team in our district!

She said they never met or associated during that time. That guy ended up living with one of his former players (people told me he was sleeping with her when she was still in HS). No s***, he ended up being a lawyer! Haha......She contacted him about our son trying to get out of an apartment lease. I happened upon her message.....nothing bad but "It's so good to hear from you! Sounds like you are rolling! I am so proud of you!" etc..........I do think it all entailed more than she is telling me and it was a long time ago.

She swears that she has never cheated on me since. But I think about how long they lied to me, especially when we were coaching against each other. I didn't do anything wrong except quit my job to finish school faster (obviously she had a problem with that!). At least that is what she said. Oh, he had also told her when they were "friends" that his wife was crazy and he had sex with another girl who was telling him she was pregnant! I assure you I am a regular professional guy because it would seem the guy she had an affair with is a tool! Any responses would be appreciated. I really don't know what to think.

Part of me wants to forgive her and part of me wants to divorce her. They did after all do some serious lying and was way more than a one night stand. I forgot to say two days ago we were moving some stuff and a directory from that school was in a box. Right on the cover was hand written a female coaches name that she coached with, and of course this guys name and number! Geez!

Edited February 27, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[carhill]

Welcome to LS......

Known a number of MW's in my time so...

1. There is always more to the story.

2. Women can have EA's without PA's. They like the intimacy. However, the pool of men in the EA category is usually pretty thin.

3. Are you better off with her or without her? That's individual. For some people, lifestyle/family/public image trumps the details of infidelity. Others, not.

4. It was a long time ago. Once a cheater, always a cheater? IDK, every human lies. Not all the time but when it benefits them. How many times has she lied to you? IDK. You'll die not knowing that answer. Accept the real, today. If the M benefits you today, go with that. If not, move on. It's a business transaction. Dissolving a partnership. Sucks, yeah, but that's all it really is. Some people are unwilling to do that, for any reason. If you're one of those, OK, accept that and move forward and figure out a relationship that satisfies you.

 

[vengfulone]

They were having a relationship with each other before that night. If everyone was talking about them,they seen something was going on with them. People don't make that stuff up. So there drinking and decide to get condom's (she could have stopped it there). Then they get a hotel room. She claim's they did it twice. Look on your charge card recite see how many condom's came in the pack she bought. Ask her  were the rest of them are? Also see if there are any other hotel's from credit card recite's. She felt so terrible the next yet she still flirting with him. She didn't feel to bad about it because she didn't tell you. I'm pretty sure it was not a one night stand. The lie I like is when she can't remember certain detail's because she was to drunk. Doe's anybody believe that line of crap. If you want to keep her that's your choice. She will keep on seeing him. And she will lay on her back and welcome him again and again. Can you live with that. Remember she was more worried about how  people at her work would judge her. Not about you finding out about them and how that would make you feel. Think about your future,and where you want to be,Happy sucessful with out her, Or a year from now writing and posting here (Don't ever take a cheater back) Good luck man.

[Pleasant-Sage]

 

@carhill gave some solid advice and @vengfulone misunderstood your timeline.

If she's been a great wife and mom since the incident, I'd say do what you need to do to put it all behind you if it was an isolated incident which it sounds like it was.

You are experiencing resentment right now and rightfully so. I do agree that you should take a hard look at your future and think about where you want to be. I believe your resentment will pass eventually and when it does, you're going to be left missing your wife and wishing you didn't throw her away. Assuming you've been happy until this point.

The key to controlling your resentment is not dumping anymore gas on the fire. Facts like did she orgasm are irrelevant. All the facts are irrelevant. Just deal with it at it's current level and come to terms that it wasn't your fault.

The biggest burden in all of this falls on you choosing whether or not to forgive your wife. If you choose to forgive, it is going to be greatest thing you've ever contributed to her and the marriage.

The most important thing I can say is don't do anything hasty and take your time clearing your head.

[schlumpy]

I don't get the feeling that you are going divorce her so just concentrate on getting over the betrayal.

Keep in mind though that you are telling her, through your actions, that you will put up with her straying in the marriage. She can sleep around and if you catch her, you will forgive her.

Depending on what type of person your are, you can:

>Spend a year in marriage counseling. Unknown outcome.

> Tell her you are using a hall pass to even up the playing field or have your own drunken ONS. After all you were drunk. It worked for her.

>Start a separation agreement or file for divorce to let her taste some consequences for her actions. You can always come back or stop the divorce based on what efforts she makes to reconcile. The success of this tactic depends on her connection to you and how remorseful she is.

>Attempt to bring some grief into her boyfriends life by informing his "crazy wife" and filing a complaint with his workplace. Could be your wife will suffer from this actions also but hey that was her choice. Dig into this guys background and unleash whatever dirt there is. If she won't help you then I think you will understand exactly how she feels. 

>Declare an open marriage. Again, this could backfire.

> Divorce her and hope your next relationship is better.

>Sweep it under the rug and hope she doesn't do it or again and that she's not lying. OPPS, she has already lied. 

It all depends on what's best for you. What action can you sustain and what are your goals? If you want your marriage, then all actions have to be pointed in that direction. It's an individual that you will have to live with. 

Whatever you decide to do make sure it is in your interest and your children's. 

[Bobdobalina]

Do good mother's and wives go to hotel rooms and shag other men

[40somethingGuy]

You should cheat on her and feel great about it. 

[schlumpy]

2 hours ago, schlumpy said:

It all depends on what's best for you. What action can you sustain and what are your goals? If you want your marriage, then all actions have to be pointed in that direction. It's an individual that you will have to live with. 

Should Read:

It all depends on what's best for you. What action can you sustain and what are your goals? If you want your marriage, then all actions have to be pointed in that direction. It's an individual choice that you will have to live with.

Sorry about that.

[d0nnivain]

Let me get this straight --

a quarter of a century ago when you were all young & dumb, your wife did a horrible thing & had an affair while drunk. 

The hurt is fresh for you because you just now got confirmation that she as unfaithful.  OK, I get your anguish but here's the thing:  you said she was otherwise a great wife.  If you believe her & it sounds like you do that this guy was the only slip up & it was a long time ago, I suspect that with some good MC you two can move past this & rebuild your trust.  It would have to entail her not interacting with him & a lot of transparency. 

You have been married for 25 years so my advice would be to give forgiveness a try.  It won't be easy but rushing straight to the divorce lawyer after all these years sounds rash & emotional rather then well thought out.  You are hurt & lashing out.  You have the right to be hurt but calm yourself before you act.  

[preraph]

If you had known at the time, would you even have left her?  Because it kind of sounds like you must have kind of known and didn't.  So why would you now after 20 years of history.

Edited February 27, 2020 by preraph

[Poutrew]

This story is another great example of why men have mistresses. If you have too much to loose by divorcing her, then you need to find a nice young gal to have some fun with. See, I think what is bothering you so much, is that the relationship is now unequal. Since she can't un-bang the BF, the only thing you can do to set things right is to have a revenge affair. Only, don't be secretive about it. Tell her. You met this nice young blond 30 years younger then her, and you are going to do with her what she did with her old boyfriend. Tell her you don't care a whit what she thinks about it. But, if she cant tolerate being cheated on, and you possibly having a second family to care for if you knock the GF up, then she can always go for divorce. 

Edited February 27, 2020 by Poutrew

[preraph]

2 minutes ago, Poutrew said:

This story is another great example of why men have mistresses. If you have too much to loose by divorcing her, then you need to find a nice young gal to have some fun with.

As if.  

[d0nnivain]

Poutrew -- that is not constructive.  Your advice will guarantee they get divorced.  For him to act so petulantly 25 years later is destructive.  Yes, he only just found out but letting emotion rule here will make everything worse. Even if they do have to get divorced over this in the end, adding antagonism to the mix will make it that much worse, that much harder & that much more expensive.  

[Chaparral]

You have gotten some of the strangest advice I have ever seen on an infidelity site. 
 

To you this just happened. To your wife this is old news. Since it was along time ago, standard advice to go into detective mode is probably fruitless. However, getting a couple of voice activated recorders for her car and hiding one in the house where she is likely to use a phone is a great idea in case she wants to talk to someone else about the situation.  A little pressure from you, then leaving awhile, may induce such a call is she is close to anyone. 
 

The bad news is cheaters always lie about the details. I’m really surprised she mentioned doing it twice instead of once. The fact is it is always worse. They say they used condoms. For cheaters, thats a lie as common as it can get. They almost never do.  How many times? If they say once figure 6 and up. Usually they say the only kissed and made out. She’s afraid you got your info from someone that knows about the hotel. 
 

If you can forgive this and the lying she is still almost certainly doing now. Work on that with a counselor.

You probably can’t so tell her you will require a polygraph. Do not bluff it. If she tells you more assume even more but insist on the test no matter what. Polygraphs aren’t perfect but they’re a million times more reliable than a cheater.

 

She admits to cheating and lying. Now you need to find out if there are others. If you want to press home how serious this is, tell you feel the need to check that paternity if your kids. 
 

Good luck, this is a club no one wants to be in. The only right way to take care of it is too be strong and hit it straight on. Playing nice will get you walked on with a complete loss of respect from her. Where was the respect and love from her when she was entertaining her other man?

[notbroken]

Can you live with it?  That's really the question.   Don't go cheating too.  Two wrongs definitely do not make a right and will only make your marriage worse.   Take some time to figure out if you can really live with this.  If no, divorce her.  Seriously.   If yes, forgive her but tell her if she ever does it again to just tell you so you can divorce her immediately.   Make it clear you have a zero tolerance for more of this - period. 

I thought my exwife cheated 10 years before we divorced.  She denied it of course.  Still does.    The uncertainty and lies made it impossible for us to be married.  Ultimately it lead to our divorce after miserable years together 'for the kids'.   DO NOT DO THAT.  Fix it or break it - asap. 

 

[Pleasant-Sage]

33 minutes ago, Chaparral said:

You have gotten some of the strangest advice I have ever seen on an infidelity site.

You say this then go tell him to go do something incredibly illegal. Talking about pot calling kettle black. LOL

Those of us who suggested that he just move did so healing can begin for something that happened YEARS ago.

He is better off asking for the divorce than consuming himself with some wild goose chase that's just going to cause much more damage to a very saveable marriage. All for nothing and the SOB coach gets the last laugh.

[oldtruck]

first things first.

DNA test your children. schedule a polygraph test for your WW.

to decide to recover or divorce the more information that you have the will give the

ability to make better decisions.

 

WW lie. they always minimize how long the affair was, when it started when it ended.

it appears that your WW had maintained contact with the OM for many years. sadly

that indicates that the affair lasted a long time and that the only had sex two times

that one night was just standard WW lying and minimizing about her affair. 

 

being a good wife, having an affair, confessing or admitting when confronted, then

being a good wife for 25 years

 

is not the same as:

 

being a good wife, having an affair, not confessing, lying when confronted, then

being a good wife for 25 years, forcing her BH to live a life based on a lie for those

25 years.

 

this affair needs to be exposed to OMW at the time of his marriage and to his current wife.

WW parents and siblings need to be told as well.

Edited February 27, 2020 by oldtruck

[Buffer]

Communication is needed not a revenge A. She cheated, maintained the contact. Consult legally find out your rights. Let her know the hurt she has caused and how her conscious betrayal is affecting you. 
buffer

[Marc878]

From what I’ve seen talk in these situations never gets you much.

[DKT3]

I don't understand why some believe issues simply go away with time. 25 mins or 25 years betrayal is betrayal and that doesn't go away without going through it.  She lied for 25 years until he went to her coincidently and said so one told me you 100% had an affair.  Of course his wife then went right to the handbook.  Admitting only to the bare minimum. 

If op was smart, he would polygraph her. Between telling her he will need her to do so and actually doing it her story will modify several times as the day approaches.  Because I'm 100% confident she is lying. 

[carhill]

People beat polys all the time. Professional liars like spooks and lawyers and law enforcement can do it easily.  Say she fails. Divorce her? He's not going to. Watch. Who pays for the polygraph? She's not going to.  He does. Whoever cares the least wins. Women have it down to a science. Another guy is already lining up to bang her. OP just needs to say the word. Done.

Already looking like a driveby. Classic LS.

[Caauug]

On 2/27/2020 at 11:57 AM, Djangogus said:

I will say this was 20 years ago, but we were already married and had a young child.

And all this should have been settled 19yrs. ago.....

On 2/27/2020 at 11:57 AM, Djangogus said:

I would think about it from time to time and recently I was going through some old pics and found a scrapbook from her time there. There were several pics of this guy, pics of her in his room, a shower paper for his newborn son they did at the school, a birthday card he gave her that he wrote "Now your legal! Haha" (she was 30) etc....obviously he was married too with a little one.

 I thought maybe I can get her to come clean about the lying.

You knew she had an affair but could not prove it. You stuck around and let it slide. 20yrs later you want to poke the sleeping dog with a stick again to see if she bites??? Why would you do that now after 20yrs.??? So she trickle feeds you some tender morels of what went down and you are all upset about what you thought happened long ago.... 

So many mistakes here:

Your wife should not have cheated, lied and after 20yrs she should not have come clean now.

You should have forced the issue years ago, and after all this time you should never of asked again. Confessions can not be unsaid. This whole story should never of come out, it has only created heart ache for you 20yrs after, it has achieved nothing else!!!! (it may achieve a divorce in time) 

Having an affair yourself will not solve anything just grounds for your wife's divorce papers.

You could try punishing her, I suggest spanking in the bedroom with a "Safe Word" clearly agreed between the two of you before starting. Any other form of punishment will likely drive her away.... Do NOT even think about mental or emotional punishment!!! Do that and if she sticks around she will never confess anything ever again to you.

You could divorce her but be prepared to give her half or more of everything you have worked for. She will likely have a BF to keep her company before long....  Like it or not, men are now disposable, you can easily be replaced. You will likely be wallowing in self pity about her cheating for years to come, you will have lots of time to think about it on those lonely nights by yourself....

If this is the only time she has strayed I would say forgive and forget. 20yrs after the fact is not a good time to hash this out. Seek counselling if you must. Hounding your wife about it will likely send her away as she has been dealing with it for 20yrs. This time show her you care and value her as she is the mother of your children. 

 

[oldtruck]

2 hours ago, Caauug said:

And all this should have been settled 19yrs. ago.....

You knew she had an affair but could not prove it. You stuck around and let it slide. 20yrs later you want to poke the sleeping dog with a stick again to see if she bites??? Why would you do that now after 20yrs.??? So she trickle feeds you some tender morels of what went down and you are all upset about what you thought happened long ago.... 

So many mistakes here:

Your wife should not have cheated, lied and after 20yrs she should not have come clean now.

You should have forced the issue years ago, and after all this time you should never of asked again. Confessions can not be unsaid. This whole story should never of come out, it has only created heart ache for you 20yrs after, it has achieved nothing else!!!! (it may achieve a divorce in time) 

Having an affair yourself will not solve anything just grounds for your wife's divorce papers.

You could try punishing her, I suggest spanking in the bedroom with a "Safe Word" clearly agreed between the two of you before starting. Any other form of punishment will likely drive her away.... Do NOT even think about mental or emotional punishment!!! Do that and if she sticks around she will never confess anything ever again to you.

You could divorce her but be prepared to give her half or more of everything you have worked for. She will likely have a BF to keep her company before long....  Like it or not, men are now disposable, you can easily be replaced. You will likely be wallowing in self pity about her cheating for years to come, you will have lots of time to think about it on those lonely nights by yourself....

If this is the only time she has strayed I would say forgive and forget. 20yrs after the fact is not a good time to hash this out. Seek counselling if you must. Hounding your wife about it will likely send her away as she has been dealing with it for 20yrs. This time show her you care and value her as she is the mother of your children. 

 

when it comes to affairs past experiences  have shown  that when a WW got away without having to 

face consequences from her first PA there will be more PA to follow.

[schlumpy]

A lot of advice has been offered DJ. Find anything that suits your fancy?

 

[Just a Guy]

Hi Django, you have been given a lot of advice from both sides of the issue. However, you have not responded to any of it. I would like to know only one thing. How do you want this matter to be resolved. Once that is established posters on here can give you pointers on how to go about it. Otherwise you are only going to go around in circles. Best wishes.