Author start-fresh Posted February 28, 2020 Author Posted February 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, Interstellar said: Does she have any exes in the background? does she still speak to any? Loyalty is number one. There has to be no exes in the background. Has she given you any indication (no matter how small) that she’s anything but loyal to you, and is she sweet, kind and considerate? is she truthful, and does not lie? Heh, if she passes these with flying colors I’d give her the ring because as Tom Ford said, you won’t find anyone better. I would say neither of us have any ex baggage. I suppose we both have general life baggage at this point because it is impossible to not accumulate some. She has all of the positive attributes you listed and I certainly appreciate them.
Interstellar Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) If you like it, then you shoulda put a ring on it. Everyone has general life baggage. If she’s a great girl then marry her, if you’re not ready then let her go and don’t waste her time, and also ask yourself when you look back if this decision is something that will haunt you? know thyself. Edited February 28, 2020 by Interstellar 1
justwhoiam Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 8 hours ago, feel_the_bern said: Thanks everyone for your thoughts. So are you going to tell her that you don't feel like marrying and that you're unsure of a future with her? I know it's difficult, but she has a right to form a family, or make a decision for herself. 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 This is normal. Women are often more interested in marriage than men. Men want things to stay the same.
Gaeta Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 9 hours ago, feel_the_bern said: I actually have told her that in the past. Your posts were painful to read but I appreciate the the thoughts. I do care about her feelings and fertility. I've tried to be honest about what I'm thinking/feeling when it has come up. Just so it's clear, you have told your girlfriend that you are not sure about marrying her because you feel something has been missing from the beginning? 1 1
Gaeta Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 OP: My daughter (32) used to be a big commitment phobe. Then at 30 she met someone and after 2 years that man was wanting more out of it. He wanted them to buy a house together and make plan for a future together, look into adoption etc. My daughter went into a panic. What if?? What if her and him don't last, what if she realizes later he's not the one, what if X 100. My advice to her was : Are you happy now? Is your heart with him right now after 2 years? If the answer is yes then take a risk and do it ! You only have one life to live and if EVER down the road it doesn't work anymore then you do like 50% of us, you seperate, you learn, you move on. You cannot hold back from living because you're 'afraid' of life happening. Actually you should count on life to throw the entire book of problems at you when it can. 3
Fletch Lives Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 3 minutes ago, Gaeta said: My advice to her was : Are you happy now? Is your heart with him right now after 2 years? If the answer is yes then take a risk and do it ! You only have one life to live and if EVER down the road it doesn't work anymore then you do like 50% of us, you seperate, you learn, you move on. You cannot hold back from living because you're 'afraid' of life happening. Actually you should count on life to throw the entire book of problems at you when it can. - great post! 1
kendahke Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 13 hours ago, Happy Lemming said: "Yes, maybe one day down the road" or whatever (which he did not). He lied by omission--he omits the truth every time he chooses not to tell her his true feelings/intentions. 1
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 12 hours ago, feel_the_bern said: I actually have told her that in the past. Your posts were painful to read but I appreciate the the thoughts. I do care about her feelings and fertility. I've tried to be honest about what I'm thinking/feeling when it has come up. 2 hours ago, kendahke said: He lied by omission--he omits the truth every time he chooses not to tell her his true feelings/intentions. It appears the OP clarified the situation and confirmed my hypothesis that he did not lie nor omit the truth.
vla1120 Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 In instances like this, I always think of that scene from "When Harry Met Sally." She and her ex broke up because they were looking for different things (she was looking for marriage.) He calls her up one day with some news (he's getting married...) and Sally tells Harry "All this time, I've been saying that he didn't want to get married. But the truth is, he didn't want to marry me." If there is something stopping you from proposing, don't propose. Don't go into a marriage thinking "Oh well, I'll never do any better than her." It's not a judgment against her that you don't see yourself marrying her. You've been honest with her. Will you eventually feel like popping the question? Maybe. Maybe not. For whatever reason, you do not want to get married. Go out to the forums for Marriage, Separation & Divorce, etc., and you will find MANY examples of people who married the "wrong" person, married because they felt pressured, etc., and it did not end well. Marriage is supposed to be a life long commitment, not to be taken lightly (nor pressured into by outside forces.) Just continue to be honest with her. Tell her that you do not want to get married and you don't know if you'll ever want to get married, but you understand if she wants to cut you loose to find someone who wants the same things she wants. If she stays with you after that, then it is by choice. If she continues to press you after that, then maybe she does not have enough courage to break it off so she can find what she really wants, and you may need to be the one who makes that call.
Gaeta Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) 32 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: It appears the OP clarified the situation and confirmed my hypothesis that he did not lie nor omit the truth. I have asked OP to clarify exactly what he tells her. I doubt he tells her the truth *he feels something is missing and this since day 1*, check his last thread 2017. The reason I doubt he's 100% honest with her is no woman….I mean no woman ever would invest years in a man telling her to her face that 'something is missing'. He's telling her he's insure about marriage, that I Believe 100%, but he's not telling her why so as a woman in love she stays by her man probably considering losing him isn't worth a fight over marriage. Also, if OP had been crystal clear he doesn't want a marriage she wouldn't bring this back again and again. She does so because somehow he verbalized it in a way that left a crack in the door for her. Edited February 28, 2020 by Gaeta
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 8 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I have asked OP to clarify exactly what he tells her. I doubt he tells her the truth *he feels something is missing and this since day 1*, check his last thread 2017. The reason I doubt he's 100% honest with her is no woman….I mean no woman ever would invest years in a man telling her to her face that 'something is missing'. 2017 was 3 years ago, a lot can change in 3 years. People grow, change, mature, etc. On a forum, you have to take what the OP writes as truth. We are all anonymous on here, so there is really no reason to lie. It would be impossible to sift lies from truth and the advice given is worthless if lies are told and facts are incorrect. Where is the value in receiving advice on false facts. Perhaps the girlfriend could create an account on Loveshack and give her side of the story as to why she has stayed with this gentleman. It is very possible that she loves this man so much that marriage takes a back seat, and she brings it up from time to time just to kind of check-in. Again, we'd have to hear her side to confirm her actions. Many years ago, I dated one woman that was truly head over heels in love with me (and for the life of me I really don't know why). She brought up marriage and I told her I would never get married and she accepted that. She was content with being in my world (without being married to me).
vla1120 Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: Many years ago, I dated one woman that was truly head over heels in love with me (and for the life of me I really don't know why). She brought up marriage and I told her I would never get married and she accepted that. She was content with being in my world (without being married to me). Two of my daughters have sworn off marriage. One of them is already in a long-term relationship, but does not feel the need to make it legal and does not believe in caving to societal expectations. The reason the divorce rate has lowered within the past decade or two is because the marriage rate has also lowered. I don't know if that's a bad or a good thing. I do often lament about not yet being a grandmother while my sister, younger by 7 years, has (8) grandchildren. Maybe the OP is of the mindset that marriage is not a "must do" and that's okay. Edited February 28, 2020 by vla1120
Gaeta Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) Happy Lemming. In his thread from 2017 he says *something is missing*. In this thread 2020 he says again *something is missing*. So it's fair to say something has always been missing right? My question to OP, has he told his gf that *something is missing*. OP wrote on previous page that he told her how he feels etc etc. That is not what I asked him. I am sure he told her how he feels about not being sure about 'marriage'. My question to him is has he specifically told her he doesn't want to marry because *something is missing*. There is a HUGE difference between I am afraid of marriage and *something is missing* Edited February 28, 2020 by Gaeta 1
vla1120 Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Happy Lemming. In his thread from 2017 he says *something is missing*. In this thread 2020 he says again *something is missing*. So it's fair to say something has always been missing right? My question to OP, has he told his gf that *something is missing*. OP wrote on previous page that he told her how he feels etc etc. That is not what I asked him. I am sure he told her how he feels about not being sure about 'marriage'. My question to him is has he specifically told her he doesn't want to marry because *something is missing*. Good point, @Gaeta. Furthermore, I wonder if the OP has an idea of what might be missing? Could it be that he simply does not want to get married, but assumes (like many) that he should because it is what is expected of him? Otherwise, @feel_the_bern what do you THINK might be missing, and have you discussed the actual "missing" part with your girlfriend, like Gaeta asked? 1
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: My question to him is has he specifically told her he doesn't want to marry because *something is missing*. Fair enough... Hopefully, we will hear back from the OP and he will clarify exactly what was said. 1
Hopeful30 Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 I am a psychologist, and I am going to tell you the truth. Always, ALWAYS, listen to you gut. If something feels off, then something is off. Never ignore this. 2
mortensorchid Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 Is this the first serious relationship you have ever been in? If so, give it some more time. Are you being pressed to take things to another level? How long have you two been together? If you really are feeling that this is wrong or you don't want to be with her anymore, then you should end it. As to finding out if you have real commitment issues or you're going to just ditch her for a new model, then you should see a therapist. You might learn some things about yourself.
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 17 hours ago, feel_the_bern said: Only thing I would lose would be fitting in the time for sessions with my job. The cost of sessions would be worth it. I would hope that a therapist could help me understand why I am stuck, why I am the cause of our relationship limbo. Personally, I would say it will be time well spent. This is your life, it’s important! Easier to do the therapy/ask the hard questions now than when you have married and divorced, or lost the woman you were meant to spend your life with...
Author start-fresh Posted February 28, 2020 Author Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) 9 hours ago, Gaeta said: Just so it's clear, you have told your girlfriend that you are not sure about marrying her because you feel something has been missing from the beginning? I have told her exactly that in the past, but do not every time it comes up. Most recently I have tried my best to pinpoint specific concerns and bring them up. Some of them we have been able to work through, others don't really have a solution. It is probably frustrating and hurtful when we talk about why we are stuck, but I bring things up with the genuine hope we can work through. I get excited we are moving forward but then it's like the ball is back in my court to take the next step but we settle back into our routine. Granted, this makes our relationship sound like drudgery, but it really isn't. The day to day is pretty good. You bring up another post about your daughter. I feel like she did. Because of our religious beliefs, divorce is very frowned upon though. So it puts a lot of pressure on the decision for me. We also choose not to live together or have sex. So emotionally and intellectually I know her very well, and see how she lives, but don't know how it feels to be around each other all of the time and everything else associated with marriage. Edited to add: To answer another question you had, I did not feel like something was missing from day 1 Edited February 28, 2020 by feel_the_bern
Author start-fresh Posted February 29, 2020 Author Posted February 29, 2020 Thanks you everyone for taking the time to provide the thoughtful responses. It is humbling. To answer a few of the themes... I am not necessarily opposed to the idea of marriage. So as much as it hurts to write it, it means right now that I am hesitant to marry my girlfriend. But I have no other experiences to tell me if I will feel this way with everyone. So I don't want to end what is otherwise a good relationship only to have the same hangups in the future. That is why I was thinking therapist. This is my first serious relationship. I have dated other women, but none more than a year. Simply more of the same type of time together also will not help us. We have been dating for almost 5 years. I do think if I had more relationships in the past, that could change my perspective. I have not explicitly told her that I never want to get married (because I don't know that is true), nor told her I have no forseeable timeframe for when I would like to get married. I should tell her I don't know when I would be ready. I've gotten mixed responses on if a therapist would be worth it. If I go that route, how do you find a good one? As a man, would I have better experience with a man or a woman?
Gaeta Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 56 minutes ago, feel_the_bern said: We also choose not to live together or have sex. So emotionally and intellectually I know her very well, and see how she lives, but don't know how it feels to be around each other all of the time and everything else associated with marriage. This is vital information that you should have shared with us from your 1st post. 5 years dating with no intimicy isn't a romantic relationship, it's a friendship. The physical intimicy is necessary for the feelings to grow deeper, sex is like the glue that holds everything else together in a romantic relationship. You were never intimate with women before? 1
Author start-fresh Posted February 29, 2020 Author Posted February 29, 2020 (edited) 16 minutes ago, Gaeta said: This is vital information that you should have shared with us from your 1st post. 5 years dating with no intimicy isn't a romantic relationship, it's a friendship. The physical intimicy is necessary for the feelings to grow deeper, sex is like the glue that holds everything else together in a romantic relationship. You were never intimate with women before? I assume my past sexual history is relevant because of how this relationship feels in relation to other past relationships that may have included sex, but no past relationships have. I have also never really been out of the honeymoon phase with those past relationships so the attraction was still fueled by the honeymoon period. I would prefer not to focus on this part of my life, but I am pretty sure if our relationship ends, I will not enter another relationship with this situation because I am missing out on a lot of life. Edited February 29, 2020 by feel_the_bern
Gaeta Posted February 29, 2020 Posted February 29, 2020 26 minutes ago, feel_the_bern said: but I am pretty sure if our relationship ends, I will not enter another relationship with this situation because I am missing out on a lot of life. Oh honey, your answer is right here in front of your eyes, you just need to accept it and do what's right for you. You recognize she is a good person and you are attached and you care for her but you are not happy as you feel 'you are missing out on a lot of life'.
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