start-fresh Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 My girlfriend and I have been dating several years. She wants to get married. I, for some reason, do not. I recognize that she is a great person, but I can't help but feel that the relationship is missing something. I don't want to break up and regret it, but I feel like if we would get married, I will always question if I made the right choice. I can't talk to family about it, really, because everyone loves her and people would think I'm making a huge mistake. Is this something a therapist could help me sort out? I feel like I shouldn't need a professional to figure this out, but I wonder if I have unrealistic expectations about a relationship that a professional would have insight on.
healing light Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) How old are you? Are you in love with her? Attracted to her? Is this your first real relationship? If you're not sure you're in love with her or want to marry her and it's been several years, I would cut her loose to find someone who is happy to commit to her. You cheat both of you out of more compatible partnerships if the thought of marriage with her makes you feel like you're settling. I remember an older lady was giving me advice once and she said how she dated a perfectly nice man who treated her with respect, but the relationship was stale/she was missing something with him. And she didn't have one bit of regret over letting him go find another person who was enthusiastic about him because you don't need a "reason" if the relationship doesn't feel right. A person can look great on paper but not necessarily meet our emotional needs. Don't let fear (of being alone, of disappointing other people, etc.) be the primary reason you stay with someone. Edited February 27, 2020 by healing light 1
Happy Lemming Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 25 minutes ago, feel_the_bern said: She wants to get married. I, for some reason, do not. You don't need a therapist, you already know what you do and don't want. Don't be bullied into getting married if you are not ready, then you are not ready. Period. Done. You don't need a reason to feel that you are not ready for marriage. if she leaves... she leaves. You'll be fine. Many, many years ago, I was dating this woman and she gave me an ultimatum of marry her or she'd dump me. I told her to dump me and I left. Fast forward 30+ years and she is on her 3rd or 4th husband, truthfully I've lost count. Go enjoy your life, have fun, if and when you are ready for marriage, you'll know. Blue skies... 1
kendahke Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 16 hours ago, feel_the_bern said: I, for some reason, do not. You have a reason. You just don't want to say it out loud to her. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 If you feel like you need a sounding board around all of this, do engage the services of a therapist. Family & friends will have an opinion so talking to someone who does not know your GF maybe beneficially. 2
smackie9 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Not once in your post did you say "I love her so much, I couldn't bare to live without her." no you said "She a great person, I don't want to break up and regret it" <this tells me you fear being alone, disappointing her and your family. Where does that leave you? No option but to suck it up and realize you know you are not with her for the right reasons. You already show a detachment from her. It's plain as day my friend. 4 2
Miss Spider Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 It sounds like you aren’t ready for that level of commitment. I don’t think that means you need therapy. 1
preraph Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Is this your first serious girlfriend? Were you young when it started? If so, it's kind of normal for that not to last forever and not crazy to want to explore some. However, if this is kind of a pattern or you're not young and you just can't face the idea of commitment, I mean, that will cause problems for all your future girlfriends and ultimately work against you, so if commitment is a problem, then therapy is one way tofind out why you're that way -- although not everyone is really looking for a lifetime partner, and that's okay -- but only if you don't lead the person you're with to believe that you were, because that is not fair and is misleading.
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) You are not in love with her. Even in 2017 you knew you didn't want to marry her. Now is time to put your big-boy's pants on and break up. Sure she'll be sad but she will get over it and move on with her life. Right now you are wasting her best years. She is probably wanting children and you are robbing from her those fertility years. You are quite selfish. You only think of yourself and your fear of not finding another girlfriend. Edited February 27, 2020 by Gaeta 1
Happy Lemming Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 9 minutes ago, Gaeta said: You are quite selfish. The woman in this relationship has "free will", she can leave if she wants to. She has decided to stay. He is not being selfish, just true to himself about not wanting to marry her. If/when she has had enough waiting, she can fly away like any other person out there. 1
SincereOnlineGuy Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 28 minutes ago, Happy Lemming said: The woman in this relationship has "free will", she can leave if she wants to. She has decided to stay. He is not being selfish, just true to himself about not wanting to marry her. If/when she has had enough waiting, she can fly away like any other person out there. Indeed... In fact, it could be better stated that the woman is the selfish one, for not getting off the pot in 2020 for the sake of those presently-unborn children of her future with someone who wants to father them.
lurker74 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Generally, if someone thinks they might need or benefit from a therapist, they usually do, assuming they see a decent therapist. Being able to share your thoughts helps to put them in context AND in order. By order, I mean, if THIS, then THAT. If you don't love her now, will you ever love her more in the future? If I am worried that I might lose a good thing, then I probably am not staying with her for the right reasons. There are lots of other thoughts too, depending on what you share. So, yes, go to a therapist and tell him or her that you're scared to do what you think you should probably do so you can put everything in the right context. Just understand that you'll probably end up realizing that you should have broken it off a year or more ago.
scooby-philly Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 1 hour ago, smackie9 said: Not once in your post did you say "I love her so much, I couldn't bare to live without her." no you said "She a great person, I don't want to break up and regret it" <this tells me you fear being alone, disappointing her and your family. Where does that leave you? No option but to suck it up and realize you know you are not with her for the right reasons. You already show a detachment from her. It's plain as day my friend. @smackie9 for the win! My friend OP, she's staying for the same reasons you are. You both should sit down and chat with each other. No one will sleep with her at night and no one will be with you at the pearly gates reviewing your life beside God...except YOU! Now, it's worth maybe talking to a counselor about issues that might make you afraid of commitment. But if you don't feel this relationship or woman is right for you to the point of "marriage" and she wants to be married and you want to be married to someone one day - you need to own up to your feelings. 1
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: The woman in this relationship has "free will", she can leave if she wants to. She has decided to stay. Lets ask OP what he replies to her when she speaks about marriage. You think he tells her the truth that he has always felt something is missing?! Edited February 27, 2020 by Gaeta 3 2
kendahke Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: The woman in this relationship has "free will", she can leave if she wants to. She has decided to stay. She's not staying in a vacuum--she's staying believing that he wants a life with her. He's lying by omission by not telling her the truth that he doesn't see that with her, so yes, Gaeta is right--he is being selfish because he doesn't want to go through the desert of no sex until he finds someone else. 1
basil67 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 HL, I had a friend who's partner was upfront about not wanting to marry her. In this case, an assertion such as yours is valid. However, I can't see that the OP has been transparent about what he's thinking. 1
MsJayne Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 If one person has to pressure the other, even slightly, to get married, it's a bad idea. A very bad idea. Never mind what your friends and family think, you care for her but you're not "in love". This is the point where you either commit to a life of romantic mediocrity, (and most likely an eventual divorce), or you let go. It's not that you don't want to lose her, it's that you're terrified of the emotional reflux of breaking up with her. If you met the love of your life tomorrow you'd wish you were free. You don't need a therapist.
justwhoiam Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Sometimes, you can't have your cake and eat it too. You know she wants marriage and a family and you won't be the one giving that to her. Let her go. Maybe you'll regret it. But she needs to know your real intentions after years of being together. 1
schlumpy Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Tell her tonight that you are not interested in marriage with her now or ever. If she stays then that's on her, but it's only right to give a "great person" the facts so they can use their God given free will.
Happy Lemming Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 Actions speak louder than words... If the girlfriend brought up marriage and even if the OP lied and said "Yes, maybe one day down the road" or whatever (which he did not). The fact remains he didn't go out and purchase a ring, get down on one knee and propose, then set a date. This woman has her answer. The OP does not want to get married. It doesn't really matter what comes out of his mouth. It this woman felt she invested enough time into the OP, and he didn't follow through with any of the actions that one associates with engagement and marriage, then its her fault for not leaving.
BaileyB Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 What do you possibly have to loose by consulting a counsellor? And, what could you potentially gain?
Author start-fresh Posted February 28, 2020 Author Posted February 28, 2020 7 hours ago, Gaeta said: Lets ask OP what he replies to her when she speaks about marriage. You think he tells her the truth that he has always felt something is missing?! I actually have told her that in the past. Your posts were painful to read but I appreciate the the thoughts. I do care about her feelings and fertility. I've tried to be honest about what I'm thinking/feeling when it has come up.
Author start-fresh Posted February 28, 2020 Author Posted February 28, 2020 Thanks everyone for your thoughts. To answer a couple questions that came up a few times. Yes, this is first real relationship but I am old enough that I should be able to be a man and make a decision about this. I am generally successful in other areas of life and have been fortunate with the hand I've been dealt (health so far, family, friends) but feel like my behavior in the relationship is a point of failure for me. I was expecting some people may think I am being selfish but hearing it forces me to deal with the possibility. It is not like I am choosing to be with her knowing there is an end date or until something better comes along. Or flirting with other women, trying to find a spark, so I can move on into another relationship. I am committed to the relationship, care about her, and love her, but for some reason am not as excited about marriage and a future together as I think I should be. But I agree she does deserve someone who is all in to the relationship and absolutely knows it is right. Regarding why I would thought a therapist could be helpful would be to explore if my perspective about relationships is off, that I am afraid to commit, etc.
Interstellar Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 (edited) Does she have any exes in the background? does she still speak to any? Loyalty is number one. There has to be no exes in the background. Has she given you any indication (no matter how small) that she’s anything but loyal to you, and is she sweet, kind and considerate? is she truthful, and does not lie? Heh, if she passes these with flying colors I’d give her the ring because as Tom Ford said, you won’t find anyone better. Edited February 28, 2020 by Interstellar
Author start-fresh Posted February 28, 2020 Author Posted February 28, 2020 3 hours ago, BaileyB said: What do you possibly have to loose by consulting a counsellor? And, what could you potentially gain? Only thing I would lose would be fitting in the time for sessions with my job. The cost of sessions would be worth it. I would hope that a therapist could help me understand why I am stuck, why I am the cause of our relationship limbo.
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