guy45 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 I'm not really sure what to do in my case. I met someone I like, for a while it was going great, but lately I've started noticing more and more of their flaws, physical to be specific. This sort of turned me off and it made me like them less. At the same time I'm also very aware of their good side and the many things they have to offer. So right now I'm stuck with this dilemma of whether to continue dating them or not. This has been a recurring theme in almost every relationship I've had and it's really frustrating. It's making me pretty depressed that I can't maintain a stable relationship. What should I do?
basil67 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 I would suggest you recognise that flaws only started being a thing when we began manufacturing by machine - this is because everything coming out of a machine should be perfect. Anything created by God/nature/by hand is unique and should be appreciated as such. So, for a start, remove the word 'flaw' from your vocab when talking about anything which isn't similar to a dent on a new refrigerator. 1 1
spiderowl Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) Are the flaws all physical? Did you notice them when you first met! It could be that you notice more physical flaws if you become less attracted to their personality. What about this person - physical or otherwise - do you find offputting? Edited February 26, 2020 by spiderowl 2
Author guy45 Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 4 minutes ago, spiderowl said: Are the flaws all physical? Did you notice them when you first met! It could be that you notice more physical flaws if you become less attracted to their personality. What about this person - physical or otherwise - do you find offputting? They just look like a completely different person without glasses. I did notice it when we first met but for some reason it didn't really bother me. It might sounds strange but that's basically it. Their personality is really good.
scooby-philly Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 12 minutes ago, basil67 said: I would suggest you recognise that flaws only started being a thing when we began manufacturing by machine - this is because everything coming out of a machine should be perfect. Anything created by God/nature/by hand is unique and should be appreciated as such. So, for a start, remove the word 'flaw' from your vocab when talking about anything which isn't similar to a dent on a new refrigerator. I agree with the last statement. But I think the OP needs to provide more information about what he exactly means. A lot of people never grow up beyond falling for the superficial. Don't get me wrong, 98% of people need to be physically attracted to their partner long-term, especially in the first year or two. OP just responded - glasses vs non-glasses? I mean, that seems kind of shallow, no offense. Assuming you saw them without them on at some point early on in the relationship...most people's looks don't change drastically in a short amount of time. Perhaps you're only noticing because there's underlying issues. SOmetimes difficulties will force people to start picking apart their partner without them even realizing it. Sometimes, your self-defense mechanisms are wired to do that after a few weeks or months because they're trying to protect you from getting hurt and it's an subconscious way to start tearing apart the emotional connection to avoid future (perceived) pain. In either case - you can't force attraction. It's either there or not. I cannot say in any short-term (under a year but more than 2 months) or long-term relationship I've had did I ever stop finding the person attractive. May be worth seeing some other replies come in to help you understand what may be going on. 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 5 minutes ago, guy45 said: They just look like a completely different person without glasses. I did notice it when we first met but for some reason it didn't really bother me. It might sounds strange but that's basically it. Their personality is really good. Were the glasses covering up something glaringly obvious that you didn't pay much attention to earlier? How much can a pair of glasses change a person's appearance? 1
alphamale Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Quote OP, you are the only thing in common with all those failed relationships 1 2
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) guy, I'm not sure you can change this about yourself. Eventually you'll meet someone whose flaws you can live with. If you don't, you'd be wise not to settle down with them. I'm the same way. I've had some very minor physical details about men I've dated bother me while some bigger physical flaws in men I've dated I've been fine with. There are some of us who are very sensitive to the physicality of those we date. Those who are not think we're being picky. But, imo, it's best to honor your own taste because you're the one who'll have to live with it for the rest of your life if you decide to marry the person. Seems to me some folks are just more visually sensitive than others. It's not a matter of being superficial I don't believe. It's a matter of being extremely aware of proportions, visual aspects, etc. Some folks just aren't. There are actually people who can't tell that much of a difference between, say, two different women if they both have the same color hair and the same hair style, are about the same height, etc. Because they have a type of recognition blindness. They are on one end of a spectrum. At the other end of the spectrum are people like us who are super sensitive to the tiniest of physical differences. It makes dating and choosing a partner a lot tougher. But, then, there are other things that you and I may not have that may make dating tougher, too. We are all so unique. This is just a uniqueness you have to learn to live with. Edited February 26, 2020 by LivingWaterPlease 2 1
Author guy45 Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 Well maybe I worded it wrong, I have seen her before without glasses and it didn't really bother me. The real problem stems from this : we like to take a lot of pictures together and some of the pictures don't turn out very appealing to me, just a few, most I'd say are pretty good. Then for some reason I become obsessed with these "bad" photos and it causes me great anxiety. It makes me think "well the attraction is gone, I guess its only a matter of time before I won't like her anymore". I had this happen in my last relationship too, I found one bad photo and became stuck on it...for months. I'm still trying to understand what going on here. How could I even sustain a relationship with someone then as we get older?
basil67 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 15 minutes ago, guy45 said: They just look like a completely different person without glasses. I did notice it when we first met but for some reason it didn't really bother me. It might sounds strange but that's basically it. Their personality is really good. Of course they look different without glasses. I look very different when I’m not wearing mine too. This would seem to be a statement of fact rather than a flaw. 2
Miss Spider Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) Sounds like you’re not really that physically attracted to her. Glasses can obscure a face or give off a vibe and make the person more attractive to you than they actually are. I think this is the opposite of the other thread, but same principle. There is simply not enough physical attraction there. It sucks, yeah, but what can you do. End it and date someone else Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Sounds like an anxiety problem. Kinda strange that you're going to dump someone because of photos. One of the prettiest women I know is just not photogenic at all ... I have met any number of women and men who just don't look great in photos. Frankly, I'm not interested in dating the photos. I'm interested in how I am when I'm with the person. But ... you are who you are. Basically yes, you'll need to find someone who is attractive enough to overcome your anxiety. Photos and real appearances of people are not at all the same. 1 2
Trail Blazer Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 My girlfriend isn't always photogenic. She even says so herself. She was a lot more attractive in real life than her photos she'd put up on Bumble. I was pleasantly surprised when I met her. This issue you're having is your issue and your issue only. You become obsessed by a bad photo? What, do you only photograph well yourself? Maybe take your worst photo and put it next to hers to put it into perspective. My girlfriend and I have only started taking some selfies together recently (beem together four months). Some were not great, some she looked good and I didn't and vice versa. However, we took a few where we were both really happy with the outcome. Maybe you two need to take some selfies somewhere nice. Delete the ones you don't like of yourself/her whilst keeping the great ones that you're both happy with. Reflect on the great photos of you two as a couple and it might help you in this situation. 2
MeadowFlower Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 2 hours ago, guy45 said: I'm not really sure what to do in my case. I met someone I like, for a while it was going great, but lately I've started noticing more and more of their flaws, physical to be specific. This sort of turned me off and it made me like them less. At the same time I'm also very aware of their good side and the many things they have to offer. So you're perfect physically? And will always be attractive? 2
Author guy45 Posted February 27, 2020 Author Posted February 27, 2020 5 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said: Delete the ones you don't like of yourself/her whilst keeping the great ones that you're both happy with. Reflect on the great photos of you two as a couple and it might help you in this situation. I'm gonna try that because I think it will be will impossible to meet someone who looks good in all photos.
Miss Spider Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 44 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said: Sounds like an anxiety problem. Kinda strange that you're going to dump someone because of photos. One of the prettiest women I know is just not photogenic at all ... I have met any number of women and men who just don't look great in photos. Frankly, I'm not interested in dating the photos. I'm interested in how I am when I'm with the person. But ... you are who you are. Basically yes, you'll need to find someone who is attractive enough to overcome your anxiety. Photos and real appearances of people are not at all the same. Yeah,,, now that I reread/think of it, it sounds like some kind of anxiety or compulsive issue ... 3
Author guy45 Posted February 27, 2020 Author Posted February 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Yeah,,, now that I reread/think of it, it sounds like some kind of anxiety or compulsive issue ... I've had OCD symptoms probably for the longest time, been trying to manage it for years.
RecentChange Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, guy45 said: I'm gonna try that because I think it will be will impossible to meet someone who looks good in all photos. Let's talk this one out.... You want to end a relationship, and dwell on how someone looks in PHOTOs. Not how they look when you are with them, it's not about their personality, or how they make you feel, but instead you are stressing about photos. Why is that? Do you put a lot of importance on how OTHERS view your girlfriend? Do you consume social media to an unhealthy degree? I can think of few things more shallow than getting hung up over photographs. When it comes to what makes a relationship last, to what benefits in life being in a healthy relationship can bring - someone to take cute photos with should be at the bottom of the list of important traits, not at the top. Maybe talk to a counselor about ways to handle anxiety and unhealthy fixations. Because this isn't really about photos, this is about why you find something like this to sabotage the relationship. 3 1
spiderowl Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Quite frankly, this sounds more like OCD than something wrong with your girlfriend. The problem with OCD is that we could reason with you about appreciating the real woman rather than photos, about how irrelevant a photo is to years of happiness with someone you love, etc. The likelihood is that logically and even emotionally you would appear to see and agree at the time and then minutes later go back to agonising over imperfect photos. Maybe it is worth finding out if there is any other help you could get for your OCD. I don’t think you are able to look at your girlfriend without the view being filtered by OCD. It would be a shame if you lost the chance of a good relationship because of this. 3
mortensorchid Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 I have no answer for this. If I did, I would tell you what that answer is, but I don't. If anyone had the answer, I'm sure they would share it with others here or anywhere. But ... Unfortunately that's not how life works. Be happy with yourself and keep moving forward.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Are you getting help for the OCD? This obsessiveness will ruin your ability to have a relationship with anyone. The best looking people in the world ... put them through two nights of bad sleep ... they look different ... give them a massive headache ... or flu ... they look different ... They're not wearing contacts and they put on some old glasses ... dang dude, you're gonna dump them? 3
basil67 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Another vote for this issue being related to your mental health. Do you have a dx for OCD? Are you taking meds or seeing a psychologist?
Author guy45 Posted February 27, 2020 Author Posted February 27, 2020 24 minutes ago, basil67 said: Another vote for this issue being related to your mental health. Do you have a dx for OCD? Are you taking meds or seeing a psychologist? I’ve been to a psychologist once but all they really did was just listen. Besides that I’ve been watching some YouTube videos for advice which seems more helpful at least.
LivingWaterPlease Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 There's no one on earth who looks good in all their photos. All types of things affect photos, lighting, angle distortion, etc. Your answer won't be found in getting great photos. 2 1
basil67 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 OK, so you don't have an OCD dx? If we look at the issue with you getting obsessive over a bad photo, whatever is going on with you isn't in the realms of 'normal'. Watching YouTube videos isn't going to fix them. If you want real change, you need real help. Start with your doctor and get a recommendation as to what kind of help would be best suited to you. Sometimes it takes more than one try to find a good fit with a psychologist or psychiatrist. If you want strategies rather than talk therapy, make it known. Or find someone who does this stuff. 2 1
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