This confuses me

[Angel29]

Over the years I have had some male friends/admirers who are interested in me romantically but are introverts. I am an introvert too but confident. We will get on well and flirt but something holds them back from taking it further. It frustrates me as I know some of these guys use dating sites so they will interact with me in person but are back on the dating sites a few days later. I just find it offensive as though I am second best if they are looking elsewhere but not good enough to take things further with. I know they are interested as sometimes their friends will go behind their back and tell me. Most men always tell me how great I am and don't understand why I am single. I am quite pretty which I know can intimidate some of them as they cannot look me in the eye. What is the solution to all of this?

Edited February 26, 2020 by Angel29

[smackie9]

When I was young, I couldn't figure out why no one was asking me out on dates. I did everything to look good, was in the best shape ever, had np getting attention. Then one day someone over heard a few guys talking about me. They thought I was too expensive to be dating them, that I was the type that would only accept dates from muscular steroid monkeys, that drove expensive cars, etc. I was shocked by this. So instead of waiting to be asked out, I starting asking guys out on dates, and it was a positive experience.

These guys might feel you are out of their league, or find you intimidating. It might be an idea to encourage them in some way to ask you out, or ask them out yourself if you dare to.

Edited February 26, 2020 by smackie9

[basil67]

What smackie said: if you really like a guy, ask him out. 

Also, being introverted means that someone needs a fair bit of downtime to recover from socialising.  It doesn't reflect whether or not a man will ask a girl out.  

[scooby-philly]

Agree 100% with @smackie9 and @basil67. Don't confuse introversion with shyness or awkwardness or fear of rejection or low self-esteem. Those are things that can prevent someone from doing something specific, like a guy asking a woman out. Introversion is about what we do to recharge ourselves. Introverts can seem (I'm one of them) very social and outgoing when we're with trusted friends or family - people we know and have a relationship with. The classic example I always point to is - what do you want to do at the end of a a terrible day at work. Like, one of the top 5 bad days at work in a given year. And you had no prior plans/commitments (and let's say no kids or kids are grown up and gone). An introvert would want to go home and take a bath, read a book, binge watch tv, play a video game, take a walk, etc. An extrovert would want to call or text some friends and get a drink and dinner and chat. Now...the issue is that no one is completely introverted or extroverted and generally people slide up and down the scale based off of a ton of factors. And a lot of people still confuse introversion with shyness, which as I stated, is not the case. No one would call me shy for example, lol. None of what you described though is a question of the guys being an introvert.

 

As Smackie said - a lot may have to do with how you present yourself and the places you go and the things you do (and if we're talking about friends or friends of friends, or co-workers) and what you share. While I'm not saying it's right - it's human nature - we look at people, even listen to people, and we make assumptions. There's a hundred different reasons why guys don't want to ask you out - you could look to "high maintenance", you could look to "unkempt", you could be coming off as aggressive, etc. I would ask a friend you trust and can be vulnerable with (and who knows how to be kind but blunt) for their opinion of the situation and of you. You'd be surprised what they might say and would could be "easily fixed". Quotations there to note that I"m not saying your like damaged good or something lol. Just saying that sometimes we may come off as x or y to people when if we knew, that would be the last thing in the world we'd want to come off as. 

 

Also worth nothing - the places you go can also impact what happens. That's worth considering too.

[Gr8fuln2020]

2 hours ago, Angel29 said:

Over the years I have had some male friends/admirers who are interested in me romantically but are introverts. I am an introvert too but confident. We will get on well and flirt but something holds them back from taking it further. It frustrates me as I know some of these guys use dating sites so they will interact with me in person but are back on the dating sites a few days later. I just find it offensive as though I am second best if they are looking elsewhere but not good enough to take things further with. I know they are interested as sometimes their friends will go behind their back and tell me. Most men always tell me how great I am and don't understand why I am single. I am quite pretty which I know can intimidate some of them as they cannot look me in the eye. What is the solution to all of this?

Your introverted friends are intimidated by your attractiveness and probably feel they dont' have shot. Since you are within the same friends circle, the idea of rejection looms larger and more sensitive, so they don't try. I would recommend that you do not chase. If they are too insecure to ask you, I suspect that that is part of their nature as well.

[Kaarek]

I would personally try to meet people that can "speak out" when they're into me or I will make the first step by telling that to the guy I like. I think the idea of "waiting" on the men to go first is quite stupid in general so feel free to do it when you like someone or just ask them if the feelings are mutual. 

I personally find very attractive when the other side isn't into mind games/too shy and just speak t\heir mind. Best Regards

[chillii]

You don't know it's looks though , and you don't know why some won't look you in the eye, might have nothing to do with that , you talk about introverts well they can be shy for a start , maybe they don't look anyone in the eye. Could be more personality things, because unfortunately you can't really rely on what friends tell you they don't wanna hurt your feelings or run you down they'll usually tell you how great you are and to not worry.

l mean it might be a looks thing , who can tell from here like this , but there could also be more to it.Maybe you come across a bit this or that or maybe you have some edge , or maybe your not a very nice person , who knows, maybe they don't take it further because of other things or things like that, who knows. Long term single women l know , l couldn't even tell them what that problem is even though l can see it. lt'd take hours to explain to them and it'd also get me way more involved with them than l givafk to be . So unfortunately this stuff can be pretty tricky . l do know though it really pays to take also notice of say , negatives you might hear and think about them, think about them and about yourself , because it's there where the answer will probably be , not in all the how good l am stuff.

 

 

 

 

Edited February 27, 2020 by chillii

[Hopeful30]

I've had similar experiences, and what I've learned is these men typically expect the woman to take the lead and make the first move. Since you seem old-fashioned and expect the man to make the first move, looks like introverted men are not your type.

[d0nnivain]

If you would like to date a particular man & can't figure out why he's not asking you out, drop hints if you can't bring yourself to take the initiative & ask him out.  Get him alone & ask him Qs about his views on relationships.  Ask if he ever thought about the two of you.  See what he says.  That should be enough to let him know that he has the "green light" to ask you out.  

[preraph]

It's not just that you're pretty.  It's that you're stronger than they are, at least some of them.  And yes, "intimidate" is the key word.  I was very intimidating to a lot of men.  And it's not really that much about being introverted, I don't think.  I think it's more who has confidence and who doesn't, and about personal strength.  Lower confidence men very often are looking for an even lower confidence woman.  You see them on here all the time hoping a crush is "shy."  In reality, not really that many "shy" women.  If they're avoiding their gaze, it's not shy.  It's not interested.  

 

There are some lower confidence guys who will latch onto an outgoing person just to have a leader, though.  I think I have been in that situation.  It gets old.  Be careful about going the extra yard to get one of these guy's interest, though, because you might not be able to enjoy that situation for the long term.  I wasn't.  It overflows over into other aspects of their lives, possible examples being not setting boundaries with their mom, not speaking up for themself at work, not wanting to be the one to call the utillity company about a bill error.  So think about the whole package.  Nothing wrong with getting to know someone and then deciding whether it's for you or not.