Allupinnit Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Part of being in a successful relationship is compromise and sometimes that means doing stuff for your partner like going to boring graduations that are important to their family. I mean if you give a damn. 1
kendahke Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 20 hours ago, Jessica2020 said: I would take care of him if he were sick, and it’s not asking a whole lot for him to do what I ask (no matter if we had been dating 8 months vs 10 years). Obviously to him, it is.
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 7 minutes ago, nittygritty said: Graduations are pretty darn boring. And? Every darn school recitals, graduations, christening, first communion, confirmation, I went to were boring but my presence was important to someone. 3
kendahke Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 For 2 years, OP has been shown by him that he'll do just the minimal to keep her around because she's so laid back that only the minimal is required of him. Now she's finally showing him she's not as laid back as she's led him to believe and the truth is she's expecting more out of him and he is balking at her changing the parameters and isn't going to play along. The best thing OP can do is go home and recuperate; and get used to driving to work from where she legally lives until he either figures out how to meet her true expectations or she bounces. 3
Allupinnit Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Be that as it may, I don't think OP is wrong or needy for feeling the way she does. Truth is a lot of us feel vulnerable when we're ill. But yeah, this is probably how it's gonna be with him. All we can do is make decisions based on the info we have. Some women are fine being that "chill" I guess but I would need more and wouldn't marry the guy. 2
elaine567 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) Women in general just want the same care and courtesy they are willing to give, back in return. Some men get it, other men are so self absorbed they never do. The bf was so intent n having a good time skiing he "forgot" about the OP. He was so determined to get a buddy to come with him, he "forgot" about the OP.. Not only was she not his priority, she was inconsequential. Edited February 27, 2020 by elaine567 1 1
Allupinnit Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 I believe it's a bit more complex than that. I think men often need to be told what we need. The problem arises when women stonewall, act passive-aggressively, yell, cry, etc that leaves them feeling confused and unsure of how to react. That being said, I still don't think this guy much cares what's goin on in OP's life that would warrant him to "step up" when she needs him to. 1
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 1 minute ago, elaine567 said: Women in general just want the same care and courtesy they are willing to give, back in return. Some men get it, other men are so self absorbed they never do. The bf was so intent n having a good time skiing he "forgot" about the OP. He was so determined to get a buddy to come with him, he "forgot" about the OP.. Not only was she not his priority, she was inconsequential. Ok. He's not her boyfriend then. She's just calling him that. He's just some guy who lets her crash at his place most of the time. She should have been gone a long time ago. Instead she's been carrying resentment and having expectations and trying to make him be what she wants him to be. He's just not that into her and it doesn't make him a villain either. 1 2
vla1120 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 All in all, what the OP originally posted about is not usually a "make it or break it" deal in itself. Personally, I would not have cared if my bf carried out the plans without me, but that's me. The OP did have an adverse reaction and asked if she was overreacting. There was obviously a reason for her reaction. She mentioned him also blowing off a graduation that was important to her. The bottom line is that the weight of her reaction depends on where she sees this relationship going. If she's just looking for a casual boyfriend who isn't necessarily invested in her happiness, then that's fine. If she is evaluating him for husband material, then these instances where he seems a bit self-centered would be concerning to her, understandably. The OP just has to decide what she's looking for long term and whether or not her bf is looking for the same. That warrants a discussion, if they are at that point in their relationship. I was married to a self-absorbed man for 32 years. I knew it before I married him, but I was very independent and we each did our own thing much of the time. However, once we had kids, I expected the same time commitment from him (which he promised before we married - we had that discussion.) So it was pretty frustrating when I was left carrying the majority of the responsibility for everything when he was busy with his own activity schedule (which was pretty much ALL the time he wasn't at work - in fact, he quit a job once because it interfered with his flag football playoff schedule!) So, I was just warning the OP that this behavior is something she may need to accept, if she decides to continue with the relationship long term. Of course, we're all going to answer the OP based on our personal experiences. Let's try not to castigate each other for our differing views. 2 1
nittygritty Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 6 minutes ago, Gaeta said: And? Every darn school recitals, graduations, christening, first communion, confirmation, I went to were boring but my presence was important to someone. Well sure if it’s your kids or your own sibling or someone that you are really, really close to but they are just dating. It was nice of her to invite him 6 months prior to go to her sisters graduation and nice of him to say yes but he flunked her test because he wasn’t able to go because he had to work to pay his bills because he is a college student? Things happen, plans change in life. Any guy she has a relationship with is going to disappoint her at times. If she is keeping score, nothing she has written indicates that the cons outweigh the pros of continuing the relationship. Unless maybe she doesn’t really love him and the relationship isn’t working for her, then she needs to end it.
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, nittygritty said: Well sure if it’s your kids or your own sibling or someone that you are really, really close to but they are just dating. My boyfriend cannot stomach b'day parties but he will attend the important ones like my daughter's and my young nephew. It's not his family it's mine but it's up there on the list of important things to me. I understand this guy is a student and probably lives by these gigs, but warning him months ahead he could have planned his schedule around the graduation without any loss of money. It's a matter of 'caring' and taking actions to show that care. 1
stillafool Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 38 minutes ago, kendahke said: The best thing OP can do is go home and recuperate; and get used to driving to work from where she legally lives until he either figures out how to meet her true expectations or she bounces. If I were her I'd rather be in my own home when I'm sick anyway. 1 1
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 48 minutes ago, nittygritty said: but he flunked her test I missed that little bit. You think we just test our boyfriend when we want them with us at special events of our life? You are far far away from understanding women, you don't even get the 'basic'. 1 1
Els Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 21 hours ago, Jessica2020 said: Ironically I think this is the most agreeable message I’ve seen. Lol. he is a reasonable person typically. Does this mean he may have abusive behaviors as well? It could. I’m being agreeing because he has been a good boyfriend and in some ways he has also been selfish and uncaring. Again, even though I have shared a lot of detail, this is a 2 yr relationship and this conversation thread is still just a snapshot of our relationship. Honestly, in the first 6 months of our relationship I was a very emotional person due to some family issues. Do I feel like I am a door mat? No. I’m actually a pretty stubborn individual. Do I feel like he takes me for granted and uses me sometimes? Very much so. These are all things I really need to reflect on and decide exactly what I want out of the relationship before it gets much further because we have been together for 2 years. Out of both respect for me and him. This sounds like a good idea. I mean, I'm not saying you absolutely need to leave or he's showing signs of being abusive or anything like that. I think that a "casual" sort of relationship, where both of you don't sacrifice anything for the other person and just have fun together, is not necessarily a terrible thing IF that's what both of you want. I'm only asking you to reconsider because (1) it doesn't sound like what YOU want, and (2) you seem to be sure that you want kids, which does require a ton of sacrifice from both partners, and it will never work if you are the only one doing any sacrificing. Think about the good stuff in your relationship, and write them down. Not the neutral stuff like him buying groceries for his own kitchen, but the good stuff - anything he does that makes you happy, or ways in which he adds to your life. Then think about the bad stuff and write them down. Maybe talk to him about it. Then see how you're feeling about all of that. Good luck! 1
nittygritty Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) 41 minutes ago, Gaeta said: I missed that little bit. You think we just test our boyfriend when we want them with us at special events of our life? You are far far away from understanding women, you don't even get the 'basic'. I’m a woman. I’m sure your boyfriend has disappointed you a time or two and you managed to get over it. The point that I was trying to make is that she shouldn’t keep score or use it as some kind of a test just because he went ahead and went on the overnight ski trip when she couldn’t because she has the flu. Or because he worked to pay his bills instead of going with her to her sisters graduation. He is 26. She is 23. Both are full time college students and both work part time to afford their own bills and places to live. Yet still manage to also afford to take weekend trips together often. She has stated that she has been really selfish at times in the relationship in the past. She didn’t state what that selfish behavior was. But she mentioned that she was really sick this time with the flu “not period cramps or a 24 hour bug”. So has she “cried wolf” before when she wasn’t really sick? We don’t know. But either way, every woman (including myself) does not expect their boyfriend to stay home and take care of them and risk getting the flu to prove their love to them. That is selfish! Edited February 27, 2020 by nittygritty
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 3 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Why does the man in the relationship get away with this and get to call all the shots? Why is everything designed to make sure HE is comfortable? It's usually because the man earns more money, and money is power, women rely on men's money. If women want their men's lives to revolve around them more, they should put more energy and focus into their careers and earning power. My last boyfriend made less money than I did and he was all about prioritizing my comfort and desires over his. I'm in that 80% of women who aren't turned on by a man who earns less and takes on a more submissive role, so it didn't work for me.
Fletch Lives Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 And furthermore........... If guys would just get their heads out of their butts and give their woman their undivided attention for a few minutes a day when they need or, or a hug or a passionate kiss like they did when they first started dating, the woman would go about her business and purr like a kitten for the rest of a day, if not days! It's the best breakup / divorce insurance. 1 1
vla1120 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 14 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: It's usually because the man earns more money, and money is power, women rely on men's money. If women want their men's lives to revolve around them more, they should put more energy and focus into their careers and earning power. My last boyfriend made less money than I did and he was all about prioritizing my comfort and desires over his. I'm in that 80% of women who aren't turned on by a man who earns less and takes on a more submissive role, so it didn't work for me. In my case, I was the main breadwinner as well as taking care of most things on the home front while he kept a job if he liked it, and his schedule was always more important than mine. I'm probably not turned on by a more submissive man - I've never been in that situation. I would have liked him to pull his weight in one way or another, though.
Calmandfocused Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 From what you’ve described since your original post, it appears that your bf is not inherently selfish in all aspects of the relationship. However what we now know is that is that he sees his needs as more important than yours. We also know that he will quickly abandon you if doesn’t want to do something and/ or has something better to do. This probably won’t cause too much of an issue whilst you’re young and have no commitments. However I seriously urge you to think carefully about whether you want him as a life long partner and a father to your children. Whilst these character flaws may not be a massive issue now, they will be when you have a crying new born baby and you need his commitment and support (which I suspect won’t be forthcoming). Think long and hard before you even contemplate such a situation .... 1
Els Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 17 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said: It's usually because the man earns more money, and money is power, women rely on men's money. If women want their men's lives to revolve around them more, they should put more energy and focus into their careers and earning power. My last boyfriend made less money than I did and he was all about prioritizing my comfort and desires over his. I'm in that 80% of women who aren't turned on by a man who earns less and takes on a more submissive role, so it didn't work for me. I don't really agree that "who earns more" should affect the rest of the relationship, but that's besides the point. The OP has stated that they split all costs 50/50, and there's no indication that he earns more than she does, anyway. 3 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: I agree 100%. A common theme among some of my friends IRL I've been talking to lately is "why does my man think our world revolves around HIS comfort and HIS schedule/wants?" Why does the man in the relationship get away with this and get to call all the shots? Why is everything designed to make sure HE is comfortable? It is really maddening! Don't let those people get away with it! FWIW I think some women can be guilty of this as well, and some men do prioritize their partner's comfort and happiness.
preraph Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 14 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: And furthermore........... If guys would just get their heads out of their butts and give their woman their undivided attention for a few minutes a day when they need or, or a hug or a passionate kiss like they did when they first started dating, the woman would go about her business and purr like a kitten for the rest of a day, if not days! It's the best breakup / divorce insurance. That is absolutely the truth for any normal woman. 1
Watercolors Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 32 minutes ago, nittygritty said: I’m a woman. I’m sure your boyfriend has disappointed you a time or two and you managed to get over it. The point that I was trying to make is that she shouldn’t keep score or use it as some kind of a test just because he went ahead and went on the overnight ski trip when she couldn’t because she has the flu. Or because he worked to pay his bills instead of going with her to her sisters graduation. He is 26. She is 23. Both are full time college students and both work part time to afford their own bills and places to live. Yet still manage to also afford to take weekend trips together often. She has stated that she has been really selfish at times in the relationship in the past. She didn’t state what that selfish behavior was. But she mentioned that she was really sick this time with the flu “not period cramps or a 24 hour bug”. So has she “cried wolf” before when she wasn’t really sick? We don’t know. But either way, every woman (including myself) does not expect their boyfriend to stay home and take care of them and risk getting the flu to prove their love to them. That is selfish! I’m a woman so please don’t generalize for me. I 100% disagree with your perceptions. 3
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 2 minutes ago, Calmandfocused said: From what you’ve described since your original post, it appears that your bf is not inherently selfish in all aspects of the relationship. However what we now know is that is that he sees his needs as more important than yours. We also know that he will quickly abandon you if doesn’t want to do something and/ or has something better to do. This probably won’t cause too much of an issue whilst you’re young and have no commitments. However I seriously urge you to think carefully about whether you want him as a life long partner and a father to your children. Whilst these character flaws may not be a massive issue now, they will be when you have a crying new born baby and you need his commitment and support (which I suspect won’t be forthcoming). Think long and hard before you even contemplate such a situation .... This is not a CHARACTER flaw. She's just expecting more from him than he wants to give her apparently. They are operating on two different levels in terms of the relationship. 1 1
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 47 minutes ago, nittygritty said: He is 26. She is 23. Both are full time college students and both work part time to afford their own bills and places to live. I think you are giving this a false twist, the poor-student twist. OP said: We go on adventures a lot……. The time we do spend together though, we typically travel. Doesn't sound to me like 2 students struggling to make ends meet. It takes money to travel, spend weekends in B&B, sky, go to beach, mountain, like she's explaining. When you can afford to be an adventurous couples and go to places several times a year, you can afford to block one Saturday night no-pay to please your girlfriend. To me the sky trip is a no issue. I would never ask my bf to stay home take care of me unless I am dying and the ambulance is on its way. The graduation though, I would make it the ill I'm gonna die on if I have to. 1 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 24 minutes ago, Elswyth said: I don't really agree that "who earns more" should affect the rest of the relationship, but that's besides the point. The OP has stated that they split all costs 50/50, and there's no indication that he earns more than she does, anyway. Don't let those people get away with it! FWIW I think some women can be guilty of this as well, and some men do prioritize their partner's comfort and happiness. It was a general philosophical comment. Women also tend to be more nurturing and yielding, in general. Men earn more money on average and women are more giving in relationships on average for biological reasons. Yes, some people deviate from this and that's fine. But these generalities apply in 80% of cases. 1
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