snowboy91 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 It's definitely a red flag - but it's an issue that can be discussed and overcome. I'd have a chat to him about how him leaving on this trip without you while you're sick has made you feel. Have a think about what your expectations are in a similar scenario in future - for instance, if I was in your position it would be nice for my partner to *offer* to stay home, but I wouldn't expect them to. I might ask them to grab me some groceries beforehand so I don't have to leave the house and infect everyone else. The main issue is that it seems like he doesn't care - something like that would show that they cared. If this keeps up in future, that's the point I'd be getting more worried, but for now it's just a discussion point to adjust behaviour and expectations. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 34 minutes ago, SumGuy said: I do have a bone to pick with you on how you treat that poor dog Just kidding. I swear my dog can sense when we're sick, he's extra puppy/cuddle/bring you a toy, nice to have him around when sick. Or it could be he is just worried what happens if the food giver expires. I'd welcome cuddling with the 7 year old when sick. The 1 year old requires way too much attention and would never let me rest! They are both border collies. Lots o' energy!
justwhoiam Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 People, besides the red flags in my first post, do you know what the saddest part of the story is? That for her, it was like a romantic getaway, and for him it was a sports day where she was just an accessory. With or without her, it was going to be the same. 3 1
schlumpy Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 You could have turned this into a positive. You could have encouraged him to go and have a good time. It might have strengthened your relationship instead of casting a pallor of doubt. It was your choice. Could it be that your feelings for him are not what they were and this is a convenient exit strategy? 5
stillafool Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 I was just thinking it would be funny if her bf was off with his friends right now complaining about how selfish OP was to expect him to cancel this trip and stay home with her germs. 3
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) 13 hours ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said: Same. But not everyone's the same. I have plenty of neighbors who could drop off stuff for me, or my mom, etc. I'd probably be like, "honey, go....but take the dogs with you...." I'd be a little put off if my SO asked me stay home from something I was really looking forward to because he had a paper cut. The point is that he is exercising his autonomy and she isn't. He may just not be ready for the kind of relationship she thinks it is. It doesn't make him selfish or a bad guy or a bad boyfriend. They just aren't on the same page and/or he needs a woman who is less needy, clingy and unnecessarily demanding and she needs a man who is more attentive and nurturing. That's an incompatibility. It's not fair to predict that he wouldn't be there if the situation were more dire either. We can't know that. Is this incident really something to break up a 2 year relationship over??? They need to make that decision. And, as I said in my earlier post, she is "living" in his home for convenience. She is now operating on the level of "living together" and it's clear that he isn't. All that said, even married couples do things as individuals. I also think that she may just be looking for an out for other reasons and this is her catalyst of choice. Edited February 27, 2020 by Redhead14 2 2
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 12 hours ago, snowboy91 said: It's definitely a red flag - but it's an issue that can be discussed and overcome. I'd have a chat to him about how him leaving on this trip without you while you're sick has made you feel. Have a think about what your expectations are in a similar scenario in future - for instance, if I was in your position it would be nice for my partner to *offer* to stay home, but I wouldn't expect them to. I might ask them to grab me some groceries beforehand so I don't have to leave the house and infect everyone else. The main issue is that it seems like he doesn't care - something like that would show that they cared. If this keeps up in future, that's the point I'd be getting more worried, but for now it's just a discussion point to adjust behaviour and expectations. He did go to the store and get items that she asked for and might need . . . 1
Eternal Sunshine Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 It really depends what's important to you. For me this would be an instant deal-breaker. He has probably shown these traits earlier so I wouldn't have even gotten to 2 years. I value empathy and emotional support over almost anything else. OP may value being adventurous more. It's also not a sort of thing that can be forced or communicated. Either a person has it or they don't . And yes, that's how he will act in the future too when times get tough. 2 1
nittygritty Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) I would not want to give my boyfriend or any loved ones the flu. It was nice of him to offer to get medicine and ice cream and he probably would have gotten you soup or other items that you might need while he is gone if you had asked. But there is no reason to be mad that he went anyway. You can go skiing another time when you don’t have the flu. You are his girlfriend not his child. Edited February 27, 2020 by nittygritty 3 1
sothereiwas Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 22 hours ago, Jessica2020 said: It’s more about the fact that he did not even consider what I wanted or offer to make sure that I was okay. I'm mostly on board with folks who say it's not a big deal, it's just an overnighter and it's just the flu. However, since you did have an airBNB locked down it might have been nice to have been offered the option of coming along for the trip, even if you then decided you didn't want to go. Anyone who suggests you should immediately throw 2 years away over something this trivial might be basing that on their own bitterness rather than anything rational. 2
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) 8 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: I'm mostly on board with folks who say it's not a big deal, it's just an overnighter and it's just the flu. However, since you did have an airBNB locked down it might have been nice to have been offered the option of coming along for the trip, even if you then decided you didn't want to go. Anyone who suggests you should immediately throw 2 years away over something this trivial might be basing that on their own bitterness rather than anything rational. Yep. If it were me and I wasn''t dying, I might even have said I would go and hang out in the room and be sick and he could ski or whatever. This was a compromise situation at least. I'm wondering if this is a trust issue. She doesn't trust her boyfriend to be in this situation on his own and what kind of "trouble" would he/could he get into??? I'm thinking she's making a mountain out of a mole hill for a reason that really has nothing to do with this situation. Edited February 27, 2020 by Redhead14 2
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) 19 hours ago, Jessica2020 said: For example, another situation is my sisters dental school graduation. I told him 6 months in advance when it was and he still ended up scheduling a music show for that night even tho he could have turned the offer down. I confronted him about it because he knew it was important to me for him to be there (going back to the whole family being important to me) and again he accused me of being selfish. To me this is more telling of the type of man you are dating than the sky event. I wouldn't break up over a sky day but I would probably end my relationship over something like this. Something important enough for you to warn him 6 months ahead, something big for the family, not everyone has a sister graduating dental school! that's big! not only he doesn't respect something important to you but he turns it around as you're the selfish one. On that day, you were a door mat to him. Confronting him is nothing, you got mad at him, he took his pills, and you went back to cleaning his apartment. He got nothing for hurting you this much. Edited February 27, 2020 by Gaeta 1 1
elaine567 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 1 hour ago, justwhoiam said: do you know what the saddest part of the story is? That for her, it was like a romantic getaway, and for him it was a sports day where she was just an accessory. With or without her, it was going to be the same. This^^^ 1 1
stillafool Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 If I had the flu I wouldn't feel like traveling to an airBNB. 1
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Just now, stillafool said: If I had the flu I wouldn't feel like traveling to an airBNB. She doesn't have the flu. She said she's not "that" sick/not dying . . . even she minimized it. 1
stillafool Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 23 hours ago, Jessica2020 said: Unfortunately, I came down with a pretty bad case of the flu. Well here she said she had the flu. So it's been downgraded since then? If so, why is she so pissed off at him?
Gaeta Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Just now, stillafool said: So it's been downgraded since then? If so, why is she so pissed off at him? Usually when women get overly mad at something trivial it's because there are other bigger problems underneath they don't want to face. 4 2
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, stillafool said: Well here she said she had the flu. So it's been downgraded since then? If so, why is she so pissed off at him? Right. That's the question now. She's not pissed off about this particular situation, it's about something else/unresolved issues. Edited February 27, 2020 by Redhead14 1 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 14 minutes ago, Gaeta said: To me this is more telling of the type of man you are dating than the sky event. I wouldn't break up over a sky day but I would probably end my relationship over something like this. Something important enough for you to warn him 6 months ahead, something big for the family, not everyone has a sister graduating dental school! that's big! not only he doesn't respect something important to you but he turns it around as you're the selfish one. On that day, you were a door mat to him. Confronting him is nothing, you got mad at him, he took his pills, and you went back to cleaning his apartment. He got nothing for hurting you this much. I agree 100%. A common theme among some of my friends IRL I've been talking to lately is "why does my man think our world revolves around HIS comfort and HIS schedule/wants?" Why does the man in the relationship get away with this and get to call all the shots? Why is everything designed to make sure HE is comfortable? It is really maddening! 2
Redhead14 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Just now, CautiouslyOptimistic said: I agree 100%. A common theme among some of my friends IRL I've been talking to lately is "why does my man think our world revolves around HIS comfort and HIS schedule/wants?" Why does the man in the relationship get away with this and get to call all the shots? Why is everything designed to make sure HE is comfortable? It is really maddening! No, it's not maddening. He's living his life and it doesn't work for HER. That's not his fault. It's her fault for sticking it out even though he's probably not the right guy for her. She wants to bash him for not being what she wants/needs him to be and trying to make him be what she wants him to be. That's not how it works. I'm starting to think that she has been clinging to him and he's just tolerating having her around. She's been making it into more than it really is. She says she's been living at his place for the most part and it's been out of convenience. It doesn't seem like this was a joint decision based on an escalation of their relationship. 1 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 If he was a great boyfriend, he would offer to stay home, buy you a TV, dote on you a little, and bring you soup. You may not even need that but you wanted to see the gesture, the offer. All he had to do was say, "Is there anything else you need? Do you want me to stay with you? Awe, my baby girl." - then she probably would have told him to get away from her, lol - but she would be happy. (see how easy that was?!) Some guys don't have emotional skills like women do. You'll just have to decide if this is someone you can live with. Hope you feel better soon. 3 1
sothereiwas Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 19 minutes ago, stillafool said: If I had the flu I wouldn't feel like traveling to an airBNB. The point wasn't that she should go, the point was that going or staying should be her choice. I wouldn't go either. 13 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Usually when women get overly mad at something trivial it's because there are other bigger problems underneath they don't want to face. True. My advice; if that's the topic, make that the thread topic. Crazy, I know.
Allupinnit Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 As usual folks here are so quick to overlook unacceptable behavior. He should have asked, like you said, what the plan was instead of just calling up his buddy like it was nothing to you. I highly suspect that you would have encouraged him to go anyway; you sound like a rational person. It was the GESTURE that matters - consideration for you and your feelings. Reminds me of the coffee date thread, honestly. LOL
nittygritty Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 37 minutes ago, Gaeta said: To me this is more telling of the type of man you are dating than the sky event. I wouldn't break up over a sky day but I would probably end my relationship over something like this. Something important enough for you to warn him 6 months ahead, something big for the family, not everyone has a sister graduating dental school! that's big! not only he doesn't respect something important to you but he turns it around as you're the selfish one. On that day, you were a door mat to him. Confronting him is nothing, you got mad at him, he took his pills, and you went back to cleaning his apartment. He got nothing for hurting you this much. Graduations are pretty darn boring. She said he’s in nursing school, does the music gigs help pay his bills? It just seems like their expectations are really incompatible and she resents him for it. 1
contel3 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 33 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: If he was a great boyfriend, he would offer to stay home, buy you a TV, dote on you a little, and bring you soup. You may not even need that but you wanted to see the gesture, the offer. All he had to do was say, "Is there anything else you need? Do you want me to stay with you? Awe, my baby girl." - then she probably would have told him to get away from her, lol - but she would be happy. (see how easy that was?!) Some guys don't have emotional skills like women do. You'll just have to decide if this is someone you can live with. Hope you feel better soon. This is so true!!! lol
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