I'm sick and my boyfriend still went on a trip that we planned together.

[Ruby Slippers]

1 minute ago, Elswyth said:

That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that she is listing all these things as "good things" about him, but in reality that's just all part of being a normal adult. It's not something that he's doing "for her".

I presume they do share the chores since she says he does them "sometimes".

They are good things. Perhaps not whoppingly exceptional things, but good things. Even some women don't do those things. 

[Els]

2 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

They are good things. Perhaps not whoppingly exceptional things, but good things. Even some women don't do those things. 

How do you survive on your own without doing those things? If they are things that he would need to do on his own anyway, they are "neutral" things IMO. Lack thereof would be "bad", but the presence is not "good", it's just being an adult.

Edited February 26, 2020 by Elswyth

[Gaeta]

I think it's time for you to go back to your own apartment and let him 'date you'. 

Right now he takes you for granted, you live in his apartment and you do the maintenance, you said he does it 'sometimes', which I translate as you do everything at his apartment. 

I would have never forgiven him for scheduling a gig the same night as my sister's graduation after I told him months ahead. This should have taught you something about him. He has been selfish with you numerous times, hurting your feelings, and you excuse everything by saying you're 'laid back'. You are not 'laid back'.....you are a 'door mat' to him. 

[Pleasant-Sage]

I think some of you are reading a little too far into OP's responses. I think the flow of her messages kind of go with the responses she's getting. People were taking up with the bf for going on the trip so she pointed out that she doesn't always have a problem with him and she teetered on her position and her feelings as the responses came in.

I can say she probably is being taken for granted and bf needs to learn to be more accommodating to her and the relationship but I can't say she's codependent or their relationship is just absolutely terrible.

[Watercolors]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

He has been selfish with you numerous times, hurting your feelings, and you excuse everything by saying you're 'laid back'. You are not 'laid back'.....you are a 'door mat' to him.

Jessica2020: this is the core problem of your 2-year relationship. Your boyfriend is extremely selfish and puts his needs and his life first. He has from the moment you two met. 

There is no 'interdependency' in your relationship with your boyfriend. There is only codependency as far as the examples you've provided in your thread. 

Here is an example: 

Healthy dependence: mutual reliance on each other; a balanced give and take. 
codependence: one person does most of the giving and receives little to no support in return. 

Healthy dependence: free to be your authentic self. 
codependence: lose sight of your own interests, goals, and values and instead do and say what your partner wants. 

Healthy dependence: ability to say "no" and disagree without feeing guilty.
codependence: you fear rejection, criticism, and abandonment so you always agree or go along with your partner. 

Healthy dependence: You still know you have value even when other people get upset with you. 
codependence: rely on your partner's projections of who you are, to make you feel like you have value in the relationship. 

Healthy dependence: Honesty and the ability to admit mistakes help promote growth in the relationship. 
codependence: Denial and defensiveness keep the problems in the relationship from being resolved. Nothing gets done to repair the communication conflicts.

 

[Jessica2020]

1 minute ago, Pleasant-Sage said:

I think some of you are reading a little too far into OP's responses. I think the flow of her messages kind of go with the responses she's getting. People were taking up with the bf for going on the trip so she pointed out that she doesn't always have a problem with him and she teetered on her position and her feelings as the responses came in.

I can say she probably is being taken for granted and bf needs to learn to be more accommodating to her and the relationship but I can't say she's codependent or their relationship is just absolutely terrible.

Ironically I think this is the most agreeable message I’ve seen. Lol. he is a reasonable person typically. Does this mean he may have abusive behaviors as well? It could. I’m being agreeing because he has been a good boyfriend and in some ways he has also been selfish and uncaring. Again, even though I have shared a lot of detail, this is a 2 yr relationship and this conversation thread is still just a snapshot of our relationship. Honestly, in the first 6 months of our relationship I was a very emotional person due to some family issues. Do I feel like I am a door mat? No. I’m actually a pretty stubborn individual. Do I feel like he takes me for granted and uses me sometimes? Very much so. These are all things I really need to reflect on and decide exactly what I want out of the relationship before it gets much further because we have been together for 2 years. Out of both respect for me and him. 

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I doubt it. You are comparing apples to oranges. When kids come along, his priorities are of course going to change.

Nope. Nope. Nope. That's what I thought, too. In fact, that's what my husband TOLD me before we got married. Then, he was on a golf trip when my daughter was hospitalized for a serious adverse reaction to medication. Luckily, she was okay, but at first the doctors were telling me some VERY scary details about what her condition could be. When I called him, he said he didn't need to come home because I was there with her. Some 20 years later and I still get furious when I think about that incident (and we're divorced.) Watch his actions and pay attention to those red flags. If he continually puts himself before everything else, he isn't likely to change for children.

[smackie9]

She's been with him for two years and this is just one incident..AND she didn't tell him that he should cancel the trip because she needed someone to take care of her. He's not a mind reader, he felt she would be OK. Again apples to oranges. The OP wasn't in the emergency all night.

You called your husband and requested he come home to be with his daughter. Totally different and very serious. The OP's BF doesn't have a history of ditching her when she needs him most.

[Gaeta]

All relationships go through a power struggle around 2 years dating. What you do with that phase will define the type of relationship you'll have and the respect you have for each other. Right now I do not believe you have ever put your foot down with your boyfriend in fear of losing him and the relationship. This man will only respect you when you assert your power in the relationship. We women wrongly believe more we love, more we accept, more we let them win then more they love us back, it's far from that. 

 

[Gaeta]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

The OP's BF doesn't have a history of ditching her when she needs him most.

He has a story of selfishness, doesn't attend an important graduation when he was told months ahead, and as per OP he picks himself above her all the time. 

[smackie9]

Well then this all falls on the OP to finally say, 2 years is long enough to be with a selfish b$%^&*(

[vla1120]

16 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

She's been with him for two years and this is just one incident..AND she didn't tell him that he should cancel the trip because she needed someone to take care of her. He's not a mind reader, he felt she would be OK. Again apples to oranges. The OP wasn't in the emergency all night.

You called your husband and requested he come home to be with his daughter. Totally different and very serious. The OP's BF doesn't have a history of ditching her when she needs him most.

1. But she DID ask him to stay home. 

2. This wasn't the first time.

3. Things only get harder after marriage. If someone shows signs of selfishness before marriage, they're probably going to be selfish after marriage. I knew that about my husband. If you're someone (like me) who is fiercely independent and never would admit to "needing" anyone to do anything for them, fine. You have to deal with the selfishness (as I did), but if you've expressed (more than once) how important something is to you (like family), and your SO continually puts him/herself first, disregarding your needs/wants, then it's time to "swipe left". "Next!" 

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, Pleasant-Sage said:

I can say she probably is being taken for granted and bf needs to learn to be more accommodating to her and the relationship but I can't say she's codependent or their relationship is just absolutely terrible.

Amen. I love how women who complain about MAJOR issues in their relationship come in and say to dump a guy who acted like a stupid guy a few times. It's so easy to be a keyboard warrior.

[Shining One]

A similar situation happened to me in my previous relationship. My girlfriend and I planned a trip, but my knee had swollen up that day. She told me she would go on the trip with her sister. It didn't even dawn on me that I should be upset by that. I was somewhat happy that the trip didn't go to waste and that my knee problem didn't ruin her weekend.

[Ellener]

1 hour ago, Jessica2020 said:

Ironically I think this is the most agreeable message I’ve seen. Lol. he is a reasonable person typically. Does this mean he may have abusive behaviors as well? It could. I’m being agreeing because he has been a good boyfriend and in some ways he has also been selfish and uncaring. Again, even though I have shared a lot of detail, this is a 2 yr relationship and this conversation thread is still just a snapshot of our relationship. Honestly, in the first 6 months of our relationship I was a very emotional person due to some family issues. Do I feel like I am a door mat? No. I’m actually a pretty stubborn individual. Do I feel like he takes me for granted and uses me sometimes? Very much so. These are all things I really need to reflect on and decide exactly what I want out of the relationship before it gets much further because we have been together for 2 years. Out of both respect for me and him. 

Well that's what you get asking advice on the internet!

Relationships are 'give and take' precisely because people aren't perfect- if we all were there would be no relationship problems and no advice forums on the internet!

So he was a bit self-centred and you were a bit emotional about it ( you were sick! ) It happens. 

If you do get married or have children you'll have to be able to move on from your arguments, also negotiate things like decision-making, money, housework etc.

For me I would way rather someone leave me to myself when I'm ill ( or working, or preoccupied ) and way way rather have someone be a bit on the selfish side and independent side than a clingy partner who wants to know where I am all the time or be by my side 24/7! 

 

 

[contel3]

I dated someone who sounds like your boyfriend in the past. He isn't a bad guy. We're still friends actually, he is fun to be around. I didn't see it clearly when we were dating, but being his friend made me realize he's a tad self-centered and not very tactful by nature…When we were dating I always thought this behavior was due to him not being invested enough. Took me a while to realize it had nothing to do with me or his commitment level.  

I don't think having big talks about this will change much….knowing that he might be a bit selfish at times, do you still want to be with him? Is there anything about your own behavior you can change to make this relationship work better for you?

I am a person who will naturally compromise for friends and family, but I have found that my relationship with my now friend works better when I actively stop compromising. I will think about what works best for me, tell him and he can be ok with it or not. I will compromise only when it doesn't involve any negatives for me. It's not my usual behavior but I have found it stops me from feeling resentful when he does the same. Just an idea.

[Watercolors]

33 minutes ago, contel3 said:

I will compromise only when it doesn't involve any negatives for me. It's not my usual behavior but I have found it stops me from feeling resentful when he does the same.

You say you compromise when it suits you. That's not what a compromise is. That sounds more like an ultimatum to me.

A compromise is an agreement that benefits both parties.

An ultimatum is when you ask your partner to compromise their values to meet yours. So, when you say that you only compromise when it doesn't involve any negatives for you -- what you're really saying is, you give your male friend an ultimatum, so that he has to choose between what you want and what he wants. That's not how you compromise. 

[Redhead14]

When I'm not feeling well, I prefer to be by myself.  If need something and I ask for it, my SO will drop everything to get what I need.  If there is something he wants to do and I'm sick, I say "go for it".  I don't need to be pampered and nurtured.  My mom did that for me when I was young.  Now I can do that for myself.  If I were so severely ill as to not be able to do what I need to do for myself, he would be there. 

I also recognize that we are not married and I do not treat him like or expect him to behave like a husband would and clear everything with me.  He would certainly mention it and make sure there was not a conflict with a previous plan we had, etc. but in a situation like this, eh no big deal.  I think the OP is overreacting in this situation.  It was only one over night trip, not a week. And, he doesn't need her permission to go.  He got what she needed and set her up.  What else would she want from him if he stayed home?  If things worsened, he could jump in the car and be back to help as needed.  

Yeah, sure, it would be charming and all warm and fuzzy if he said, "I'll stay home and watch you be sick", but c'mon.  Is this really worth breaking up a 2 year relationship over???   Don't sweat the small stuff.  And, if the OP is concerned about how he would prioritize things after marriage, that would be a good discussion to have sometime -- is he interested in marriage and children and what are his family values.  What is his vision and expectations for how a marriage and family unit operates? 

Beyond all this, I think it's time for the OP to start staying at her own place more often.  If the two of them haven't officially decided it was time to live together and operate on that level as a couple, the OP shouldn't be doing that.  Especially since he does not feel as though he needs to operate on that level.  I get it. Did the OP just start staying there more and more often without any real discussion about the scenario?

To me his reaction sounds a little like a guy who has been put upon on a regular basis by clinginess and neediness and maybe feeling a little smothered in his home and drew a line.  The OP said herself she isn't dying and he could see that, yet pulling on him to stay home.  

All this said, it is at least time for a talk about the relationship and where it's heading. 

 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Redhead14

[contel3]

1 minute ago, Watercolors said:

You say you compromise when it suits you. That's not what a compromise is. That sounds more like an ultimatum to me.

A compromise is an agreement that benefits both parties.

An ultimatum is when you ask your partner to compromise their values to meet yours. So, when you say that you only compromise when it doesn't involve any negatives for you -- what you're really saying is, you give your male friend an ultimatum, so that he has to choose between what you want and what he wants. That's not how you compromise. 

You are correct. I will be flexible if he favors one particular option over another and it doesn't make any difference to me. I don't actually compromise. 

 

It was just a suggestion as to how to deal with the situation. My experience has been that I am more happy around self-centered people when I accept them how they are and work on thinking about what I want first and foremost.There are certainly other ways to deal with it. 

[Ambereyes]

52 minutes ago, Redhead14 said:

When I'm not feeling well, I prefer to be by myself.   I don't need to be pampered and nurtured. 

the OP said herself she isn't dying and he could see that, yet pulling on him to stay home. 

And that's you, not OP. It also has nothing to do with OP have her BF.

The fact that OP point blank told him she'd appreciate if he stays and he point blank rejected, speaks problems. He is selfish. 

Even if he doesnt need anyone to take care of him if he's sick, he should still stay and take care of her because SHE ASKED FOR HELP AND HE SHOULD HELP HER.

SHE DOESNT HAVE TO DIE TO QUALIFY FOR HELP

Edited February 26, 2020 by Ambereyes

[Watercolors]

57 minutes ago, contel3 said:

You are correct. I will be flexible if he favors one particular option over another and it doesn't make any difference to me. I don't actually compromise. 

It was just a suggestion as to how to deal with the situation. My experience has been that I am more happy around self-centered people when I accept them how they are and work on thinking about what I want first and foremost.There are certainly other ways to deal with it. 

Ah, then your advice should be that Jessica2020 does not compromise with her boyfriend who is incredibly self-centered. 

If you have to give someone an ultimatum, because they won't meet you in the middle so that both of your needs are met, that's not really a reciprocal or healthy relationship in my view.

I think she needs to stop making excuses for his blatantly selfish behavior and start instituting some consequences. Like, stop living with him and go back to her apartment. Start forcing him to come see her at her place. Be more independent of him.

Make him prioritize time for Jessica2020 instead of putting his music gigs first all the time. That would be my advice to Jessica2020. She needs to accept that her boyfriend doesn't really respect Jessica2020 that much based on his past behavior. I think she really needs to start standing up for herself more and following through with consequences, like you do with small children.

Musicians are a HUGE pain in the ass to date. Their music is their first priority. Everyone else comes in a close second. 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Watercolors

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

6 hours ago, SumGuy said:

 In my book how someone is there for you when you are sick is critical. 

 

True, but, to play devil's advocate......I am pretty terrified of getting the flu again (and I've only had it once).  I really can't blame the guy if part of why he left town is to get away from her cooties! 

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

1 hour ago, Redhead14 said:

When I'm not feeling well, I prefer to be by myself.

 

Same.  But not everyone's the same.  I have plenty of neighbors who could drop off stuff for me, or my mom, etc.  I'd probably be like, "honey, go....but take the dogs with you...." 

[simpycurious]

It was NOT "cool" of him to leave her while she is sick. 

It's really that SIMPLE.  Especially for a recreational pursuit

(not work, not family emergency)....COME ON this is a no brainer

[SumGuy]

27 minutes ago, CautiouslyOptimistic said:

Same.  But not everyone's the same.  I have plenty of neighbors who could drop off stuff for me, or my mom, etc.  I'd probably be like, "honey, go....but take the dogs with you...." 

Fair enough, I also don't tend to get sick very easily and sickness doesn't necessarily prevent us from being affectionate, if scaled back...I know we are incorrigible.

I do have a bone to pick with you on how you treat that poor dog  Just kidding.   I swear my dog can sense when we're sick, he's extra puppy/cuddle/bring you a toy, nice to have him around when sick.   Or it could be he is just worried what happens if the food giver expires.