I'm sick and my boyfriend still went on a trip that we planned together.

[justwhoiam]

53 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

I think that is my biggest concern. Yes, I’m not dying and will survive to see Thursday. However, if we were to have kids or a different situation like this arose, would I be left high and dry? Thank you all for your input. 

Exactly.

[preraph]

When someone is that sick, they need someone who can be counted on to go to the pharmacy for them if needed.  You can go through an awful lot of Tylenol and Pepto Bismol and toilet paper and kleenex and you need plenty of fluids and juices and soft foods like soup and all that.  He might at least have asked her if she needed him to go to the store for her before he left.  I mean, when you have the flu, you can't even eat everything.  It's crackers and soup for most people.  He should have at least made sure she had everything.  

 

When my sister had the flu last year, I was lucky because she has a neighbor she pays to run errands anyway and I didn't have to get exposed, but she said she couldn't even hardly get from the bed to the toilet, much less try to take herself somewhere.  

 

Also, let's not forget the Corona virus is out there, so flu bears a watchful eye right now.  

 

So now I wonder if he'll catch the flu. 

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, Jessica2020 said:

However, without asking me what I even wanted to do, he informed me that he was still going on the trip without me either by himself or with a friend. 

The biggest problem is he didn't discuss it with you, because I guess he knew you would be upset and then he couldn't go
He chose to instead present you with a fait accompli and steam roller over you.
Sounds like he takes you for granted in other ways too.
He does what he wants to do and you put up with it...
Not good.

 

[scooby-philly]

1 hour ago, Jessica2020 said:

Hey everyone! 
I would like opinions on a situation that occurred this week. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years. He’s 26 and I’m 23. We basically live together (I stay at his house almost every night basically bc my work and school are closer to his house than mine and his work is about 2 hrs from my house so it would be unreasonable for me to ask for him to stay with me), but I still have my own house in case something were to happen between the two of us (I would like to say that I try to be reasonable about things in our relationship as well as realistic). We share a dog and a cat together. 
 

Anyways, we had an overnight skiing trip planned for just the two of us to a place that’s about 5 hours away from where we live. We were going to leave on a Tuesday night and come back Wednesday after a day of skiing. Unfortunately, I came down with a pretty bad case of the flu. My boyfriend DID (even volunteered) to go get me medicine and some ice cream from the store which I told him I appreciated very much. However, without asking me what I even wanted to do, he informed me that he was still going on the trip without me either by himself or with a friend. 
 

This trip was only about $60 a piece (we got a good deal on ski tickets and an Airbnb bc it was the middle of the week). We are a very adventurous couple (ie go on a 5 hr drive for one day of skiing and coming back to go to work the next day) so this wasn’t an extra special occasion (we could have made the same plans for a week or two later) and would have to just eat the 60 bucks. 

This was the first time in our relationship where I have been really, really sick (not just period cramps or a 24 hr stomach bug). I (not in the calmest of ways meaning crying) told him I was upset that he didn’t even offer to stay behind (because it was a trip planned for me and him) or ask me my opinion about what WE should do. When that did not register at all, I then point blank told him I would really appreciate if he stayed at home this time. He proceeded to tell me that I was being selfish and that anyone can be replaced. *disclaimer he was talking about being replaced on a trip, not in our relationship 

This happened at about 7 o’clock last night. About 30 minutes later he left with a buddy taking my ski ticket to go on the trip. Still haven’t gotten a text to even see if I’m alright. Am I completely petty or could this be a red flag?

 

OP - Quoting your posts in one spot to respond easier.

 

Overall - I think you need to take a big step back and analyze things from a holistic perspective. And that include you and your actions, your bf and his actions, and your relationship dynamic. Everyone has a different concept of "love" and a different concept of what a relationship is all about. Even after two years, sometimes things happen that can make you realize that underneath it all - maybe things aren't as compatible as you think on the surface. The overarching question for your to answer is what do you want and need from a partner in a relationship and how does this man act when it comes to making decisions in the relationship. Sure, this could be a single instance of him being inconsiderate. The thing to look for is - is this asymptomatic or a pattern that repeats. He did volunteer to get you stuff. But....any decent person should do that for a partner. As you said in your original post and subsequent posts - it's a question of the fact that he made decisions without you. Sure, it's only a day ski trip and it's not that expensive - but as others have pointed out - he could have rescheduled with you, he could have simply asked and discussed things with you first before deciding. Is he generally always not willing to let anything interfere with his life/plans/wants? You are right to, in your other posts, worry how he might respond when you have kids, more responsibilities, etc. That doesn't make him a bad person, but is that what you want? Now, you don't know that just from this one instance - but you have to consider the full history you have with this man and see if it's a symptom of his personality or a one time thing. Additionally, he needs to learn to communicate better regardless - even leaving aside him not discussing things with you first, he, from what you shared, didn't share why he was so adament about going since it was only a day trip and was inexpensive. By nature, I'm a care giver. I would never leave on a day trip if my SO asked me to stay unless it was super important and impossible to reschedule, but I'd discuss things in detail first. Calling you selfish though, is not nice. And even just saying you could be replaced on a trip speaks volume on his viewpoint and perspective on life. Are you a more romantic person? Maybe he's more a "i like to date buddies" kind of dude - meaning he's not romantic and simply likes to date people with similar interests. 

58 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

I think that is my biggest concern. Yes, I’m not dying and will survive to see Thursday. However, if we were to have kids or a different situation like this arose, would I be left high and dry? Thank you all for your input. 

• It's a valid concern - the issue is....what does the larger pattern reveal as I mentioned above. And...long-term it sounds like you want kids. Can you communicate and plan with him if he's a musician and goes away for gigs and then likes to be out of the house all the time? 

48 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

I am pretty sick. I only got out of bed twice yesterday. But I can take care of myself and am not going to die before he gets back. I also have family members that are helpful to me. He’s a part time musician so he’s on the road a TON (mostly without me, so I can 100% survive without him) It’s more about the fact that he did not even consider what I wanted or offer to make sure that I was okay. There was no compassion/empathy/care. I also want to emphasize the part that this was a trip we had planned together. If he already had planned this trip with a buddy and I got sick, then I think he should have went. However we had planned this trip TOGETHER and he did not ask me about what he thought we should do. It was a team collaboration, it was a “I call the shots”. 

• Empathy and care are important traits to long-term success. Otherwise, when the going gets tough, the weak break. But again - you need to look at the larger picture. And that's the main point right there - it was a trip planned WITH YOU. If he wanted to spend time with you - he'd stay home - especially since it wasn't that expensive and you could do it next week or the week after. 

42 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

He does like to have things his way. I’m typically a pretty laid back person. That is why I’m concerned. Because when I was really sick and voiced that I would like his support this time, he blows me off. He’s missed several things in my life due to music (he he commits to a gig he doesn’t like to cancel) which I understand and do not hold grudges against him for. However this time he didn’t have anything planned (his plans were with me) and I specifically voiced that it would mean a lot to me this time if we just skipped out all together on the trip and he kept me company at home. He went to work on Monday while I stayed at home pretty bad off. I would never expect him to lay out of work because I just need someone around. 

• He made his priorities clear. 

33 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

Thank you for the “get to feel better”. This is the first time I’ve had the flu in 6 or 7 years and it did hit me like a freight train so I really appreciate that! We go on adventures a lot. We were at the beach last weekend and the week before we went to the mountains. We both are full time students though and also work about 30 hours a week though so we are not spending all of our time together. The time we do spend together though, we typically travel. We don’t even have TV because we really like to get out and do stuff. With that being said, we could have planned the trip for another week OR he could have even made plans with his buddy to go another week without me. I wasn’t “stealing” his ski trip from him... it was my ski trip as well and he is more than welcome to go skiing with or without me (except when I specifically tell him that I am really hurting and would appreciate his support for the day) 

• Did he at least offer to give you money for the tickets or have his friend pay?

19 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

Hahaha hopefully it’s more like 6 years! I love him and we will have to cross that bridge (if) when we get there! But thanks again... I know we are both being selfish in our own ways and there is no “right” answer. I don’t think this is something we should break up about, but I do think my feelings can be justified and it’s enough that I can reasonably have a conversation with him about expectations in our relationship if something like this were to come up again. 

• As a single instance you're correct, it doesn't warrant a break up. But - you're thinking long-term here so you need to take some time for yourself and then talk to him in detail.

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, preraph said:

He might at least have asked her if she needed him to go to the store for her before he left.  I mean, when you have the flu, you can't even eat everything. 

He did volunteer to go to the store for her to get medication and ice cream.  She didn't say whether she requested soup or not.

[SumGuy]

Based on this being an inexpensive trip for your two and you do these things all the time (so not a big loss in money or time or opportunity) that is some pretty cold ass and selfish behavior on his part.  It would be to me even if it was you had to work all of a sudden and wanted to come home to dinner, but when your really sick it's part of being a couple you take care of each other.  

In my book how someone is there for you when you are sick is critical.  Now if my girlfriend was a school teacher and her getting sick would mean she can't go to work and lose days off, or if she had to travel for work soon, etc., sure I would even tell her to avoid me.   Absent some clear practical and mitigating circumstances, you are there for your sick SO if you have any kind of serious relationship in my opinion.

 

[preraph]

15 minutes ago, stillafool said:

He did volunteer to go to the store for her to get medication and ice cream.  She didn't say whether she requested soup or not.

I agree, but point being, she doesn't know what she might need later.  Flu keeps giving new symptoms.  

[SumGuy]

7 minutes ago, preraph said:

I agree, but point being, she doesn't know what she might need later.  Flu keeps giving new symptoms.  

No doubt.  It is about the support and care, and nurturing. 

My girlfriend doesn't need me when she is sick, after all she raised 3 kids by herself for many years, but the few times she has been sick enough to lay her low go out of my way to make her home made chicken soup, take it to her, bring her medicine, feed the cats, take care of chores and tuck her in, etc.  So she can rest. And she has done the same for me.

Edited February 26, 2020 by SumGuy

[Jessica2020]

Thank y’all. Like I said, I am a pretty laid back person (his mother has even made those comments to him before), and based off of past circumstances I think I may need to do some deep thinking on this one. I know that I have been selfish in our relationship before , but I also know that I am there for him for big things in life (family, sickness, his music and school). We have been together for 2 years and he does know my feelings about being a good partner. This is the first time I’ve ever asked him to stay home because I’m sick. 

 

 

[SumGuy]

6 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

Thank y’all. Like I said, I am a pretty laid back person (his mother has even made those comments to him before), and based off of past circumstances I think I may need to do some deep thinking on this one. I know that I have been selfish in our relationship before , but I also know that I am there for him for big things in life (family, sickness, his music and school). We have been together for 2 years and he does know my feelings about being a good partner. This is the first time I’ve ever asked him to stay home because I’m sick. 

You also sound reasonable, just from the fact you don't simply characterize what happened but provide facts and from the one you provide it seem to me you realize if you were sick all the time, or such a ski trip was rare or expensive it would be another story.   

[Els]

Kind of s***ty of him, IMO. I could understand if it was an expensive trip or a one-time event that he would miss out on, and in that case I'd hope you encourage him to go. But in this case, were I in his shoes I would stay with you. H has definitely cancelled plans before to support me when I was sick, although of course if it was a work + leisure thing (like a conference trip) he would go.

Did you pay for your own ticket? If you did, it's extra s***ty that he just took your ticket and gave it to a friend without even checking to see if you were OK with him doing that. Not that $60 matters that much, but it's the principle involved.

[kendahke]

2 hours ago, Jessica2020 said:

Am I completely petty or could this be a red flag?

If I was you, I'd make way more use of my own place and quit staying with him so much.

 

[Jessica2020]

I would for sure have wanted him to go! We honestly go skiing about every two weeks, the slopes we were going to were just 3 hours further than where we typically go. 
 

yeah, I paid for my ticket and ended up spending 10 more dollars than him on the air bnb (which is not a big deal ) I Even give him some money for electricity because I stay at his house often (even though I have my own electricity bill). I offered to give money though on the bill, he did not ask. 
 

buttttt, yeah He told me he was going then told me his friend was using the ticket. Then about 20 minutes later said he would give me money for said ticket. Even though if i really would have wanted to be a brat I could have told him no and that it’s my ticket. But that never crossed my mind tbh until now bc that’s not typically how I think/behave. Ticket prices go up the closer it is to the day so the ticket alone today would have been $75) our original tickets were 30 a piece and then the air bnb was 60. 

 

 

[Jessica2020]

But you’re right, it’s the principle of it all. It’s just the fact that he made the entire decision without blinking an eyelash to consider what I wanted while I was feeling really horrible. 

[Calmandfocused]

Op my response to this will differ based on how your bf operates outside of this event. 
 

Is your boyfriend empathic, caring, considerate and compassionate generally? Does he treat you as an equal and with kindness and respect otherwise? 
 

If the answer is yes to all the above I do not believe this is a Red Card incident. Some people (men and women) are not good with illnesses. They lose all capacity to know what to do In these situations and simply leave their partner alone to recover. Some people actually fear illnesses and will avoid sick people at all costs. Could this be applicable to you at all?

If the answer to the above questions is no, you have a selfish man on your hands which has many more implications for your future. 
 

My ex husband was incredibly selfish (and abusive). The worst he ever treated me was when I was sick. 
 

I hope your bf doesn’t fall in the latter category because if he does you’ll be wishing for him to jet off on holiday without you when you get sick . In fact you’ll be praying for it. 

[Els]

5 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

But you’re right, it’s the principle of it all. It’s just the fact that he made the entire decision without blinking an eyelash to consider what I wanted while I was feeling really horrible. 

Right. And I mean, who just does that with their partner's ticket without consulting them?!? That actually creeps me out quite a bit. Again, not like $60 is a huge deal, but it says a lot about the personality of the person who's doing that.

[Jessica2020]

He typically is good about respecting me. We split things 50/50 and he will go out of his way for me. However, there have been several big incidences in our relationship were if he has something he feels is “more important” than that takes precedence over what I need. By this I mean, typically if I have to ask him to do something and he isn’t busy he will say yes. If I ask him to do something, and he has to sacrifice something ( ie a ski trip ) the answer is no. For example, another situation is my sisters dental school graduation. I told him 6 months in advance when it was and he still ended up scheduling a music show for that night even tho he could have turned the offer down. I confronted him about it because he knew it was important to me for him to be there (going back to the whole family being important to me) and again he accused me of being selfish. But like I said ... on a day to day basis he does the laundry, he will pick up things from the grocery store, he cooks sometimes. 
 

also he’s in nursing school and has worked as an emt as well as at an urgent care (where the flu is all the time) so He’s not the type to shy away from illness.  

 

 

[Watercolors]

28 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

I would for sure have wanted him to go! We honestly go skiing about every two weeks, the slopes we were going to were just 3 hours further than where we typically go. 
 

yeah, I paid for my ticket and ended up spending 10 more dollars than him on the air bnb (which is not a big deal ) I Even give him some money for electricity because I stay at his house often (even though I have my own electricity bill). I offered to give money though on the bill, he did not ask. 
 

buttttt, yeah He told me he was going then told me his friend was using the ticket. Then about 20 minutes later said he would give me money for said ticket. Even though if i really would have wanted to be a brat I could have told him no and that it’s my ticket. But that never crossed my mind tbh until now bc that’s not typically how I think/behave. Ticket prices go up the closer it is to the day so the ticket alone today would have been $75) our original tickets were 30 a piece and then the air bnb was 60. 

 

 

I'm confused. So, you post a thread complaining that your boyfriend left you behind sick with the flu to go on an overnight ski trip, yet you two go skiing every two weeks. 
You repeatedly write how you are laid back and how your boyfriend of 2 years prioritizes his needs first (his music gigs, for example) before prioritizing your needs (he doesn't stay home to care for you for one night and goes skiing with his buddy instead b/c you didn't tell him to stay home to take care of you). 

I'm confused for a few reasons: 

1. You don't speak up for yourself with your boyfriend of 2 years and disguise your codependency as "I'm just laid back." 
2. You get mad when your boyfriend acts normally (not prioritizing your needs before his) yet you have given him permission to treat you this way for 2 years. 
3. You expect your boyfriend to read your mind, without addressing the relationship's core conflict, which is: you allow him to treat you like an option in your relationship but you are too afraid to address it with him, "Hey, I notice in [a, b, and c situations] where I felt like an option to you. That hurts my feelings. Why do you do that? I'd like you to stop doing that." 

Please help me understand why someone invests 2 years with another person who from the beginning, shows and tells their relationship partner, "I will never prioritize your needs above mine. I'll guilt trip you in subtle ways and undermine your self-esteem when you try to address my manipulation, so that I can control you." 

Just what I see here. The biggest red flag: you chose to be with an abusive partner and here you are, justifying his behavior rather than acknowledging that you suffer from codependency which is why you are attracted to, and stay with men who emotionally abuse and undermine their relationship partners. Doesn't matter that he's 26 and you're 23.

What matters is, you examine the dynamics of this relationship and try to understand why you allow men like your boyfriend of 2 years, to have all the control over the relationships's purpose and control over your role (not as an equal partner, from what you've allowed him to do over 2 years).

That is the red flag you need to address. His behavior are just symptoms of his manipulative personality. Nothing will change until you stand up for yourself, reset the relationship's dynamics with conditions that he stop putting you and your relationship contribution second, and start treating you with more equality and respect. 

Just my two cents. 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Watercolors

[Ruby Slippers]

Very disappointing. I would be very let down by this, probably would go back to my house and think it over for a while.

We all make mistakes, sometimes big ones. What really matters is how we follow up after those mistakes. I'll be curious to see if he has any change of heart after all this. 

[Watercolors]

8 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

He typically is good about respecting me. We split things 50/50 and he will go out of his way for me. However, there have been several big incidences in our relationship were if he has something he feels is “more important” than that takes precedence over what I need. By this I mean, typically if I have to ask him to do something and he isn’t busy he will say yes. If I ask him to do something, and he has to sacrifice something ( ie a ski trip ) the answer is no. For example, another situation is my sisters dental school graduation. I told him 6 months in advance when it was and he still ended up scheduling a music show for that night even tho he could have turned the offer down. I confronted him about it because he knew it was important to me for him to be there (going back to the whole family being important to me) and again he accused me of being selfish. But like I said ... on a day to day basis he does the laundry, he will pick up things from the grocery store, he cooks sometimes. 
 

also he’s in nursing school and has worked as an emt as well as at an urgent care (where the flu is all the time) so He’s not the type to shy away from illness.  

 

 

And you are still making excuses for the way he puts you second. Why do you think you do that? That is the red flag I alluded to in my previous post. You are making excuses for someone who doesn't prioritize you. From an outsider looking in to your situation, I see a young woman who has settled for a boyfriend who has shown her in multiple ways that even if she confronts him, he will never prioritize her needs, or life situations, over his. How much longer are you wiling to endure this treatment? 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Watercolors

[Jessica2020]

3 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

I'm confused. So, you post a thread complaining that your boyfriend left you behind sick with the flu to go on an overnight ski trip, yet you two go skiing every two weeks. 
You repeatedly write how you are laid back and how your boyfriend of 2 years prioritizes his needs first (his music gigs, for example) before prioritizing your needs (he doesn't stay home to care for you for one night and goes skiing with his buddy instead b/c you didn't tell him to stay home to take care of you). 

I'm confused for a few reasons: 

1. You don't speak up for yourself with your boyfriend of 2 years and disguise your codependency as "I'm just laid back." 
2. You get mad when your boyfriend acts normally (not prioritizing your needs before his) yet you have given him permission to treat you this way for 2 years. 
3. You expect your boyfriend to read your mind, without addressing the relationship's core conflict, which is: you allow him to treat you like an option in your relationship but you are too afraid to address it with him, "Hey, I notice in [a, b, and c situations] where I felt like an option to you. That hurts my feelings. Why do you do that? I'd like you to stop doing that." 

Please help me understand why someone invests 2 years with another person who from the beginning, shows and tells their relationship partner, "I will never prioritize your needs above mine. I'll guilt trip you in subtle ways and undermine your self-esteem when you try to address my manipulation, so that I can control you." 

Just what I see here. The biggest red flag: you chose to be with an abusive partner and here you are, justifying his behavior rather than acknowledging that you suffer from codependency which is why you are attracted to, and stay with men who emotionally abuse and undermine their relationship partners. Doesn't matter that he's 26 and you're 23. What matters is, you examine the dynamics of this relationship and try to understand why you allow men like your boyfriend of 2 years, to have all the control over the relationships's purpose and control over your role (not as an equal partner, from what you've allowed him to do over 2 years). That is the red flag you need to address. His behavior are just symptoms of his manipulative personality. Nothing will change until you stand up for yourself, reset the relationship's dynamics with conditions that he stop putting you and your relationship contribution second, and start treating you with more equality and respect. 

Just my two cents. 

 

 

I see 

I understand your concern. I did tell him that I wanted him to stay home. At first i approached it as I wish that you would not go and then I specifically stated that I wanted him to stay at home with me. You are right in the fact that I have given him permission to treat me in certain ways. Honestly I am a laid back person... and like being that way. However, if something is really important to me I will speak up. This is a situation that I did speak up and he refused to listen. 
 

as I posted early to I do believe we need to have a major conversation moving forward about expectations and if can’t be understand in that conversation or he proceeds to make the same decision than we may not be able to have a relationship any longer .

[Els]

10 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

He typically is good about respecting me. We split things 50/50 and he will go out of his way for me. However, there have been several big incidences in our relationship were if he has something he feels is “more important” than that takes precedence over what I need. By this I mean, typically if I have to ask him to do something and he isn’t busy he will say yes. If I ask him to do something, and he has to sacrifice something ( ie a ski trip ) the answer is no.

Yes, I had an ex like that in college, too. He wasn't a "bad person" per se, but he wasn't the sort of person to go out of his way for a partner or make any sort of sacrifices for a relationship. He just wanted the nice and cruise-y parts of a relationship like doing fun stuff together and going out on dates, but the second it involved actually doing anything UN-fun, he wasn't interested. Eventually I decided that while that's okay in a casual dating situation, that wasn't the kind of person I wanted to be in a LTR with.

If I hadn't decided that, I would not have had the opportunity to be with H today.

I think that if you already clearly know what you want out of a relationship, and he's not really it, you are doing yourself a disservice by staying. Staying with someone "not bad" might not sound like such a terrible thing, but it will hinder you from going after what you want.

10 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said:

But like I said ... on a day to day basis he does the laundry, he will pick up things from the grocery store, he cooks sometimes.

Sorry, I don't understand. You sleep over at HIS house, correct? So essentially he is doing the laundry, picking up groceries, and cooking... for his own house? Like what any normal adult would do?

[Ruby Slippers]

2 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

You sleep over at HIS house, correct? So essentially he is doing the laundry, picking up groceries, and cooking... for his own house? Like what any normal adult would do? 

That's not fair, since she essentially lives there, making all the household chores theirs both to deal with.

I'm in a similar situation, staying at my boyfriend's apartment in the city during the week because it's a 10-minute commute versus 1 hour+ commute. We share these kinds of chores about equally, whether we're staying at his apartment or my house.

[Jessica2020]

You’re right. I know very well that I am replaceable in all aspects of life including a job friendships etc. however, in my personal significant other relationship I would prefer to be treated or at least respected as if I am irreplaceable. I would take care of him if he were sick, and it’s not asking a whole lot for him to do what I ask (no matter if we had been dating 8 months vs 10 years). 

 

 

[Els]

1 minute ago, Ruby Slippers said:

That's not fair, since she essentially lives there, making all the household chores theirs both to deal with.

I'm in a similar situation, staying at my boyfriend's apartment in the city during the week because it's a 10-minute commute versus 1 hour+ commute. We share these kinds of chores about equally, whether we're staying at his apartment or my house.

That's not what I'm saying. I'm saying that she is listing all these things as "good things" about him, but in reality that's just all part of being a normal adult. It's not something that he's doing "for her".

I presume they do share the chores since she says he does them "sometimes".