Jessica2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) Hey everyone! I would like opinions on a situation that occurred this week. My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years. He’s 26 and I’m 23. We basically live together (I stay at his house almost every night basically bc my work and school are closer to his house than mine and his work is about 2 hrs from my house so it would be unreasonable for me to ask for him to stay with me), but I still have my own house in case something were to happen between the two of us (I would like to say that I try to be reasonable about things in our relationship as well as realistic). We share a dog and a cat together. Anyways, we had an overnight skiing trip planned for just the two of us to a place that’s about 5 hours away from where we live. We were going to leave on a Tuesday night and come back Wednesday after a day of skiing. Unfortunately, I came down with a pretty bad case of the flu. My boyfriend DID (even volunteered) to go get me medicine and some ice cream from the store which I told him I appreciated very much. However, without asking me what I even wanted to do, he informed me that he was still going on the trip without me either by himself or with a friend. This trip was only about $60 a piece (we got a good deal on ski tickets and an Airbnb bc it was the middle of the week). We are a very adventurous couple (ie go on a 5 hr drive for one day of skiing and coming back to go to work the next day) so this wasn’t an extra special occasion (we could have made the same plans for a week or two later) and would have to just eat the 60 bucks. This was the first time in our relationship where I have been really, really sick (not just period cramps or a 24 hr stomach bug). I (not in the calmest of ways meaning crying) told him I was upset that he didn’t even offer to stay behind (because it was a trip planned for me and him) or ask me my opinion about what WE should do. When that did not register at all, I then point blank told him I would really appreciate if he stayed at home this time. He proceeded to tell me that I was being selfish and that anyone can be replaced. *disclaimer he was talking about being replaced on a trip, not in our relationship This happened at about 7 o’clock last night. About 30 minutes later he left with a buddy taking my ski ticket to go on the trip. Still haven’t gotten a text to even see if I’m alright. Am I completely petty or could this be a red flag? Edited February 26, 2020 by Jessica2020 Forgot some details
justwhoiam Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 I wouldn't put up with that. Red flag no. 1: not asking me. When you're in a relationship, you don't think one way, as if you were single. Red flag no. 2: arguing after he got to know what I thought. Red flag no. 3: disregarding my feeelings completely. Not giving a d - - n even after seeing me crying. Just awful. Red flag no. 4: calling me selfish when he's the one going to have fun on his own while his girlfriend is home sick. Red flag no. 5: (even if not openly) playing the card of 'if you really love me you want me to have fun'. Red flag no. 6: not feeling like being there for me in times of need. Something else is on top of his mind, and it's not me feeling better. Do I need to go on? 3
Hopeful30 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Not a very good boyfriend if you ask me...he's showing his true colours. Looks like this trip is more important than caring for you. Tread carefully... 2
preraph Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 This is why I always say you don't really know someone until you've been with them long enough to know what they're like when they're ill or you were ill or something bad befalls them like car trouble or unemployment. and you don't really know who they are until you have seen them when they cannot have their way. You've been together two years and you are just now getting to see that side of him. That actually sounds about right. Unfortunately what this tells you is that he is much more concerned for himself than he is for you and yes I would consider that a red flag going forward. You hang on to your house. Start thinking about how this will translate if you should have children with him. I'm afraid it's always going to be about him and what he wants and not about you or them and what you and them need. 4
clia Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 It's an overnight trip, so I don't really see the big deal. Why do you need him there with you? I assume you are at your own house being sick? 3 3
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Did you actually express firmly to him that you are so sick that you needed him to be there? And that you found his decision hurtful? He probably felt you were fine enough on your own or he wouldn't have gone IMO. Are you incapable of feeding yourself or getting to the bathroom? 3 1
Author Jessica2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 I think that is my biggest concern. Yes, I’m not dying and will survive to see Thursday. However, if we were to have kids or a different situation like this arose, would I be left high and dry? Thank you all for your input. 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 2 minutes ago, clia said: It's an overnight trip, so I don't really see the big deal. Why do you need him there with you? I assume you are at your own house being sick? I tend to agree. OP, are you completely alone in the world without him? Are you so sick you're unable to care for yourself? 4
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Just now, Jessica2020 said: I think that is my biggest concern. Yes, I’m not dying and will survive to see Thursday. However, if we were to have kids or a different situation like this arose, would I be left high and dry? Thank you all for your input. I doubt it. You are comparing apples to oranges. When kids come along, his priorities are of course going to change. 3 1
preraph Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 The man you keep should be one you can depend on who will worry about you a little and protect you and be counted on to do the same for your future children. What he did is pretty immature and selfish. And to top it all off he gaslighted you trying to make you feel bad by calling you selfish. So he's also not taking responsibility for his action. 4
preraph Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 3 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I doubt it. You are comparing apples to oranges. When kids come along, his priorities are of course going to change. there is absolutely no guarantee that a man's priorities are going to change when they have children. There are plenty who just keep doing life as they know it and leave all that up to the woman. 8
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 1 minute ago, preraph said: The man you keep should be one you can depend on who will worry about you a little and protect you and be counted on to do the same for your future children. What he did is pretty immature and selfish. And to top it all off he gaslighted you trying to make you feel bad by calling you selfish. So he's also not taking responsibility for his action. But she's a grownup and can presumable take care of herself. It was one night/one day. Is he also supposed to stay home from work to take care of her during the day just because she has the flu? There will be times, if they have kids, that she will be sick and still have to care for children, and he probably will too. Or she will be caring for sick children alone while he goes out to do something he had planned, and vice versa. It's life. I'd be more concerned about a fully grown adult who needs constant care and companionship when sick. 2 1
Author Jessica2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 I am pretty sick. I only got out of bed twice yesterday. But I can take care of myself and am not going to die before he gets back. I also have family members that are helpful to me. He’s a part time musician so he’s on the road a TON (mostly without me, so I can 100% survive without him) It’s more about the fact that he did not even consider what I wanted or offer to make sure that I was okay. There was no compassion/empathy/care. I also want to emphasize the part that this was a trip we had planned together. If he already had planned this trip with a buddy and I got sick, then I think he should have went. However we had planned this trip TOGETHER and he did not ask me about what he thought we should do. It was a team collaboration, it was a “I call the shots”. 2
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) He's not the best of boyfriend, you are being dramatic and possessive. I would never ask my boyfriend to stay behind to take care of me and ruin his sky trip if all I need is tylenol and ice cream. If I am dying and cannot feed myself then yes I'd expect him to take care of me. Your boyfriend could have shown more empathy, discuss this with you, and keep in touch. The friend would have had to find his own skies. Edited February 26, 2020 by Gaeta 4
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 1 minute ago, Jessica2020 said: it was a “I call the shots”. Gotcha. Is he like this in other areas? After 2 years, you know him well. Is this kinda how he is?
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 By the way, I hope you feel better soon! The flu sucks! I haven't had it in over 20 years but still remember the feeling. Ugh.
Author Jessica2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 He does like to have things his way. I’m typically a pretty laid back person. That is why I’m concerned. Because when I was really sick and voiced that I would like his support this time, he blows me off. He’s missed several things in my life due to music (he he commits to a gig he doesn’t like to cancel) which I understand and do not hold grudges against him for. However this time he didn’t have anything planned (his plans were with me) and I specifically voiced that it would mean a lot to me this time if we just skipped out all together on the trip and he kept me company at home. He went to work on Monday while I stayed at home pretty bad off. I would never expect him to lay out of work because I just need someone around. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Just now, Jessica2020 said: He does like to have things his way. I’m typically a pretty laid back person. That is why I’m concerned. Because when I was really sick and voiced that I would like his support this time, he blows me off. He’s missed several things in my life due to music (he he commits to a gig he doesn’t like to cancel) which I understand and do not hold grudges against him for. However this time he didn’t have anything planned (his plans were with me) and I specifically voiced that it would mean a lot to me this time if we just skipped out all together on the trip and he kept me company at home. He went to work on Monday while I stayed at home pretty bad off. I would never expect him to lay out of work because I just need someone around. How often do the two of you plan couples getaways? How would you feel if you were not sick, but had to stay home for jury duty (or something else like that), and he still went?
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 I think people have different expectations when it comes to illnesses. Some don't want loved ones around because they are afraid they will get sick while others need the attention. I kind of side with OP. I would have stayed home to care for her but I'm the type willing to hold a woman's hair out of her face while she's puking her guts out. I'm not afraid to get sick myself while caring for someone I love. I'd stick around in case they needed something so they didn't have to get out of bed. It would have meant a lot to me for someone to stick by my bedside offering to refresh a cold hand towel for my forehead (fever) or offer to get me water or soup. 4
Author Jessica2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 Thank you for the “get to feel better”. This is the first time I’ve had the flu in 6 or 7 years and it did hit me like a freight train so I really appreciate that! We go on adventures a lot. We were at the beach last weekend and the week before we went to the mountains. We both are full time students though and also work about 30 hours a week though so we are not spending all of our time together. The time we do spend together though, we typically travel. We don’t even have TV because we really like to get out and do stuff. With that being said, we could have planned the trip for another week OR he could have even made plans with his buddy to go another week without me. I wasn’t “stealing” his ski trip from him... it was my ski trip as well and he is more than welcome to go skiing with or without me (except when I specifically tell him that I am really hurting and would appreciate his support for the day) 1
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 1 minute ago, Jessica2020 said: it was my ski trip as well and he is more than welcome to go skiing with or without me (except when I specifically tell him that I am really hurting and would appreciate his support for the day) OK, well the more info you give, it doesn't sound like you're a clingy girlfriend and really wanted his comfort this one time. If you feel hurt, you feel hurt and you're entitled to however you feel. I would not catastrophize this by worrying about future/kids, etc., though. You have 9 months to setup ground rules when the time comes ;). 1
simpycurious Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Very inconsiderate on several levels. #1 to leave your SICK girlfirend--not cool, #2 to go on the trip KNOWING she can't go 1
Author Jessica2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 Hahaha hopefully it’s more like 6 years! I love him and we will have to cross that bridge (if) when we get there! But thanks again... I know we are both being selfish in our own ways and there is no “right” answer. I don’t think this is something we should break up about, but I do think my feelings can be justified and it’s enough that I can reasonably have a conversation with him about expectations in our relationship if something like this were to come up again. 2
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 1 minute ago, Jessica2020 said: I do think my feelings can be justified and it’s enough that I can reasonably have a conversation with him about expectations in our relationship if something like this were to come up again. Absolutely. 1
stillafool Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 1 hour ago, Jessica2020 said: My boyfriend DID (even volunteered) to go get me medicine and some ice cream from the store which I told him I appreciated very much 28 minutes ago, Jessica2020 said: It’s more about the fact that he did not even consider what I wanted or offer to make sure that I was okay. Maybe he thought you wanted ice cream and needed medicine so he volunteered to go to the store to make sure you had what you needed. Ice Cream is bad for the flu. It causes more mucus.
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