Smitten, but it's only been 2 dates!

[flamingjune]

About JD: We met over 2 weeks ago. I’ve been on several casual dates with other guys but since I’ve met him, I haven’t been interested in anyone else. I can’t stop smiling when I think about him. He's in his 30s and I'm in my 20s. We have a lot in common and I don't think I've had such immediate understanding with anyone before. I know this can’t be love at first sight, but there’s a definite mental/physical attraction on both sides.

 

The dilemna: I feel like I’ve made a connection with him and I really hope he feels the same. I think about him constantly and we’ve had only 2 real dates. I’ve never felt this way so quickly before and usually it takes a while for me to get attached to someone. I’m normally very cautious so this is strange for me: that I’m all excited and can’t wait to see him again. Now my head is all out of whack. I don’t want to rush and come on too strong since it’s all so new. Is it too soon for me to be thinking this way?

 

On taking it slow: For the first 2 dates he asked me out. We went out to a movie on a Monday and then he asked me out again to dinner on a Friday. Then I invited him to a comedy show this coming weekend. In between we'd emailed back and forth. Although I wish we'd talk on the phone more because email can seem a little distant. He only has a home phone, no cell. Was it a bad idea for me to invite him out for the 3rd date? Should I have waited for him to ask me out instead? Sorry for all the questions, but this guy has got me all nervous and I really don't want to mess this up.

 

Calling: He doesn't really call. He called once to set up our first date. After that I called him a couple times but he wasn’t home. He does email, but like I said, email feels less personal. My feeling is, if a guy is really interested wouldn't he want to call and chat more? On the other hand, he seems a little shy, which I think is really cute, and I like that he isn't aggressive or touchy. The only contact we've had was a handshake on our first meeting, and on our 2nd date I gave him an air kiss goodbye and he kissed my cheek. I got so flustered that I kind of blushed, mumbled "I'll see you soon" and ran off like a little schoolgirl.

 

The catch: He said that he had broken up with an ex-gf of 2 or 3 years a while ago, not sure how long. Later in conversation it comes out that they were living together for a lot of the time even up until 2 months ago. He said that their relationship had ended a long time ago and they'd become roommates. I was a little taken aback and didn't ask more questions, which I probably should have. I asked if they still talk and he said only once in a while, to say hello or check up on their stuff. Either she has some of his stuff or vice-versa.

 

I really like him and would like to see him more often, but I'm worried about jumping the gun or scaring him off. Is he holding back because he can tell I'm shy? Is it because he isn't really interested? Or is it because his ex might still be in the picture? I wish I could just ask him all these questions to his face but that'd probably be too much too soon, right? I mean, we've only had 2 dates and have only been in regular contact for a little over 2 weeks. Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could just say what's on our minds without worrying about scaring the other person off? I’d appreciate any comments/insight. Thanks!

[Outcast]

If only we were mind-readers, well, LS wouldn't exist.

 

There is zero way of knowing what's going on in his noggin - even asking him might not give you the truth.

 

Is it too soon for me to be thinking this way?

 

Yes, but it's normal. Just understand that the feelings are not based on any logical analysis, but rather the first flush of infatuation. Ride the ride, but don't mistake it for 'true love'.

 

Wouldn't it be so much easier if we could just say what's on our minds without worrying about scaring the other person off?

 

Yep. In fact, when you think of it, it's nuts that confessing a fondness for someone will scare them off, but you could easily go tell someone any number of vile and hateful things and it likely wouldn't scare them as much. But that's how this goofy life works, I'm afraid. Not one flippin' thing you can do about it.

[Copingsaw]

I don't see anything wrong with the way you've handled it so far. The fact that he so recently got out of a long term relationship brings into question his emotional state. He may not be taking the initiative because he is shy, because he is still recovering or because he's not that into you. Nobody can say but him. Taking the initiative may even be necessary to get him over his past relationship. On the other hand, don't push too hard.

[flamingjune]

Hi Outcast,

Thanks for writing! Ah, the irony: "... it's nuts that confessing a fondness for someone will scare them off, but you could easily go tell someone any number of vile and hateful things and it likely wouldn't scare them as much." Well, you're right, it's infatuation and just enjoy it and not take it too seriously. Although I'd give my left foot (!) for the ability to read my date's mind.

 

Hi Copingsaw,

Thanks, glad to know that I'm handling it ok so far. He could be on the rebound. It's only been 2 months since they really separated. So I'd better be cautious. Not too eager to be the rebound girl. Maybe I should tell him to go date 2 or 3 girls until he's done with his rebound then get back to me? You think that would work?

 

Update:

Weeell, I couldn't help myself. I was dying to see him again so I screwed up my courage and sent him a short and friendly email saying something like "Don't know what your schedule's like but I just saw the trailer for Corpse Bride, looks like fun, so if you're free let's go, etc." Then I get a phonecall not too long after the email and he says he'd like to meet up! By the way, "Tim Burton's Corpse Bride" is pretty funny and charming, a great date movie. So I show up at 8:30p thinking oh the movie doesn't start until 8:40p I have time. But doofis that I am I got the time all wrong and it actually started at 8:20p. But JD was just really nice about it and didn't give me a hard time. After the movie we got a late dinner and walked around and had drinks and talked until, wow, almost 4am. Again, where'd the time go?

[megabit15]

Not too eager to be the rebound girl. Maybe I should tell him to go date 2 or 3 girls until he's done with his rebound then get back to me? You think that would work?

No way! Keep the focus in the present day. It's not your job to look after his mental well being anyway - right now, look after yours instead

 

Don't collapse your life around his - it is waaayyyy too early! Let him do the chasing for a while, else interest (on either side) may dwindle. Be available, but don't wait by the phone or your email. Maintain your equilibrium. Wait a little while - when you've regained your composure - before responding. Still do the things you did before meeting him. Go out without him too. Still see your friends, go to movies - whatever it is that you do.

 

I'm not saying this is you, but I've seen way too many men lose interest in interesting and nice girls when the girl starts doing the chasing, becomes too available and stops doing interesting things in her life because she's all focused on the guy. And I've seen too many women turn into a different person - sometimes they no longer resemble the person that attracted him in the first place!

 

This is not game playing, it's maintaining mental and emotional balance. If the relationship develops, at least it will be on solid ground.

 

It sounds like you've got a nice connection with this guy.

[flamingjune]

No way! Keep the focus in the present day. It's not your job to look after his mental well being anyway - right now, look after yours instead

 

This is not game playing, it's maintaining mental and emotional balance. If the relationship develops, at least it will be on solid ground.

 

Hi Megabit,

 

I'm trying my damnednest to hold onto my head and heart. And as far as sex, he is going to have to wait. Not that I'm playing hard to get, but I've made the mistake of falling for someone too quickly before and while the sex was great and the (insane and tumultuous) relationship lasted a few years, I think having sex too soon really clouded my judgment. Instead of really seeing whether the guy was overall right for me or not, I got bowled over by the passion and physical chemistry.

 

As for JD, I'm sitting on my hands and waiting for the inital "rush of infatuation" to wear off a bit so I can "see" him more clearly. You offer some great insight -- yeah, I know it should be pretty obvious that we shouldn't be too available and too eager to start -- it tends to freak out a potential bf. But reigning in emotions can be pretty difficult when the guys seems so close to perfect for me. In the meantime, I'm just keeping busy, considering other date options, living my life.

[megabit15]

I'm trying my damnednest to hold onto my head and heart. And as far as sex, he is going to have to wait. Not that I'm playing hard to get, but I've made the mistake of falling for someone too quickly before and while the sex was great and the (insane and tumultuous) relationship lasted a few years, I think having sex too soon really clouded my judgment. Instead of really seeing whether the guy was overall right for me or not, I got bowled over by the passion and physical chemistry.

Yay!!!!! Give that up too soon and you might as well kiss a relationship goodbye! Unfortunately, it seems the woman has to be the sensible one regarding this. Tough experience is the best teacher, isn't it? (Me too) I don't think it's playing hard to get. Why should I invest fully in something that may not work towards my goal? (Goal is LTR/eventual marriage with appropriate person) Patience and time tell these things. Wish I had a crystal ball though.

As for JD, I'm sitting on my hands and waiting for the inital "rush of infatuation" to wear off a bit so I can "see" him more clearly. You offer some great insight -- yeah, I know it should be pretty obvious that we shouldn't be too available and too eager to start -- it tends to freak out a potential bf. But reigning in emotions can be pretty difficult when the guy seems so close to perfect for me. In the meantime, I'm just keeping busy, considering other date options, living my life.

That sounds like a good plan. Sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and just needed a reminder of what you already know. Ya make me proud...

 

BTW-I faced a similar situation with BF of 10 months, so I know how tough reigning in those emotions can be. He was recently divorced too. I kept busy with usual things and went out with him if I had no prior plans. We emailed more than phone in the beginning and it was 3 months before we had sex. Now we talk on the phone every day. He's mentioned living together, but we both know we're not ready for that (yet?). We both want to get married someday, but are not 100% sure that this is *the one* to do it with. (Hence my wish for a crystal ball)

[flamingjune]

BTW-I faced a similar situation with BF of 10 months, so I know how tough reigning in those emotions can be. He was recently divorced too. I kept busy with usual things and went out with him if I had no prior plans. We emailed more than phone in the beginning and it was 3 months before we had sex. Now we talk on the phone every day. He's mentioned living together, but we both know we're not ready for that (yet?). We both want to get married someday, but are not 100% sure that this is *the one* to do it with. (Hence my wish for a crystal ball)

 

 

Lucky you! Sounds like you've got a great thing going. I'd give my left foot for a crystal ball myself. Wouldn't it be great if we could get them on sale at Target?

[megabit15]

Lucky you! Sounds like you've got a great thing going. I'd give my left foot for a crystal ball myself. Wouldn't it be great if we could get them on sale at Target?

Yeah, the ones from Walmart would probably break!

 

How's it going with you two?

[flamingjune]

Things are going pretty well, I guess. Update's in the new thread under "He kissed me." It sounds like your patience paid off, since you've been happy for 10 months.

[Outcast]

I think having sex too soon really clouded my judgment. Instead of really seeing whether the guy was overall right for me or not, I got bowled over by the passion and physical chemistry.

 

What a sensible person you are! I consider sex to be a drug as addictive as the worst of the street drugs. Addles your brain totally. It's the smart thing, IMHO, to avoid it until you know there are real feelings to avoid falling into a trap. Some of us have to fall in once or twice to figure that out, of course

[flowergirl]

FlamingJune:

 

Damn, girl, your situation sounds somewhat similar to mine. I'm really crushin' on this guy who works at the coffeeshop across the street from my house (it's mutual, by the way) , and I'm trying hard not to let all these initial feelings get to me, beacause I've made that mistake of letting the passion and sex take over my logic, especially recently, and that never turns out well, so now, even though this guy seems perfect for me, I'm trying to be cool, take my time to really get to know him, and not be all clingy. This whole mindset is sooo new to me and a little scary, but if it's meant to be, it will be. In the meantime, have fun, date and have respect for yourself.

[penkitten]

i love the smitten phase the mostest!