I feel like I'm being pushed too hard by my boyfriend so is he a control freak?

[simpycurious]

Sidenote:  More than likely, playing golf as a couple COULD really test the relationship.

It can be a frustrating game 

[Redhead14]

I remember an episode of "Everybody Loves Raymond" when Debra is upset because Ray took the twins to the golf course and they all had a blast.  She wanted to be able to have fun like that with Ray and  that Ray always leaves her home go golfing and says she wants to go too.  Ray takes her out to play but by the end of the round, Debra is hating golf and they are fighting   She opts to give Ray his golf time without her in the future.

Nevertheless, the OPs boyfriend was apparently excited to have the opportunity to share that experience with her.  Lots of guys like their golf time to themselves and their buds.  That's not control, that's thoughtful and a nice gesture.

 

Edited February 28, 2020 by Redhead14

[schlumpy]

I have to say I see his eagerness to get his wife into golfing something inclusive rather than controlling. All she had to do is say no.

There is a couple of times I've done the same thing to my wife. I bought her a nice bicycle so we could ride together but it threatened her safety more then improved her health.  I also pushed her into hiking which she at first hated but once we got the proper equipment and modified my enthusiasm for lengthy hikes it worked out.

She was diagnosed with MS in 2000 which explained everything. 

[preraph]

It's up to you.  The golf thing doesn't bother me, but the "you need to lose weight" certainly does.  He does sound like a nag.  I mean, your relationship isn't that long.  If he didn't like your weight, he shouldn't have taken up with you.  To me, this smacks of taking what he can get and then trying to whip the woman into his ideal, which is sickish.

[Redhead14]

19 minutes ago, preraph said:

It's up to you.  The golf thing doesn't bother me, but the "you need to lose weight" certainly does.  He does sound like a nag.  I mean, your relationship isn't that long.  If he didn't like your weight, he shouldn't have taken up with you.  To me, this smacks of taking what he can get and then trying to whip the woman into his ideal, which is sickish.

It doesn't sound to me like he's saying "you need to lose weight" or critical of her weight.  She said she has been dieting and trying to lose some weight of her own volition.  He's been suggesting that she join a gym too and it's more about a suggestion as to help things along for her and not about whether he thinks she needs to lose weight.  I'm wondering if she keep mentioning her dieting and maybe lamenting it and, maybe, he's just tired of hearing about it too   Which I get.  Sometimes when people are dieting and not getting the results they hope for, etc., it comes up a lot. 

[preraph]

Yeah, but she said he just keeps reminding her.  That's really not his job to remind her.  It's nagging and it's hurtful.  I'm glad she's trying to lose weight.  I did it most of my life, but I don't need someone around who thinks they can nag me into being more successful.  It doesn't work that way.  

[Redhead14]

8 minutes ago, preraph said:

Yeah, but she said he just keeps reminding her.  That's really not his job to remind her.  It's nagging and it's hurtful.  I'm glad she's trying to lose weight.  I did it most of my life, but I don't need someone around who thinks they can nag me into being more successful.  It doesn't work that way.  

Yep, that's her complaint but she hasn't told him how it makes her feel.  This guy sounds sincere and willing to accommodate, etc.  She should be honest and upfront with him and not be in her head about it.  Communicate.  He's not a mind-reader and likely just wants to be supportive.  She needs to let him know and then observe if he accommodates her wishes, and I bet he will.  He keeps bringing it up because she's not acknowledging him either way - either by going to the gym or telling him she doesn't want to go to the gym and he doesn't need to keep suggesting it.  She needs to do that in a loving way as well.  If she continues to bottle this up, she will eventually lash out at him over it which would be unfair and unnecessary.

Edited February 28, 2020 by Redhead14

[DKT3]

The biggest relationship mismatch is ambition.  Go getters dont mix with slackers or wishy washy people.  

Also, being the right weight and being in shape are completely different things.  Working out doesn't necessarily mean you need to lose weight.  Unfortunately,  too often women equate their man wanting to work out with her to her believing he thinks she fat. Guys dont tend to date women they arent attracted to. 

[Hopeful30]

On 2/26/2020 at 11:53 AM, Ruby Slippers said:

No one can control you without your agreement - unless you're in literal chains.

If men were perfect, they'd never take women's soft, yielding behavior for granted. But I for one have never met a perfect man. It's up to us to make sure we're not being too soft and yielding.

I agree with this. Men treat women how women allow themselves to be treated. 

 

[Els]

I don't see anything inherently "controlling" about what he's doing at the moment, although he does come across as overexcited and overbearing.

If you don't want to do something, say "no". If he still pushes you, THEN he's being controlling and disrespectful. Why did you say "yes" to the golf if you don't want to do it?

[simpycurious]

8 hours ago, DKT3 said:

The biggest relationship mismatch is ambition.  Go getters dont mix with slackers or wishy washy people.  

Also, being the right weight and being in shape are completely different things.  Working out doesn't necessarily mean you need to lose weight.  Unfortunately,  too often women equate their man wanting to work out with her to her believing he thinks she fat. Guys dont tend to date women they arent attracted to. 

That is a GREAT POST DKT3.  I definitely don't.  You are right being "in shape" or fit is not a weight thing at all.  We always look at endurance levels, body mass

index, etc as far as what is considered fit.  Every body type is different so it is not a generic blueprint for fitness. 

[Malin889]

On 2/26/2020 at 10:08 AM, Gaeta said:

People can only manipulate those willing to be manipulated. 

 

Really?? I don’t think that’s necessarily true. 

[Gaeta]

53 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Really?? I don’t think that’s necessarily true. 

Don't walk into manipulation. You see it so don't participate into it. When someone tries to manipulate you he usually does not hold a gun against your head. You are free to walk away from the manipulation. 

[Interstellar]

Does he do this day after day for the past 7 months? If he does that will drive you crazy. I’m trying to figure out if this is a consistent pattern of behavior. What’s you and your bf’s age?

Yes, speak up and let him know that it’s affecting your feelings for him.

Edited February 29, 2020 by Interstellar

[Malin889]

9 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Don't walk into manipulation. You see it so don't participate into it. When someone tries to manipulate you he usually does not hold a gun against your head. You are free to walk away from the manipulation. 

Hmm, I disagree, I don’t always think you see it. I was in an abusive relationship for years and the  manipulation was often well hidden. Usually good manipulators often hide the manipulation pretty well. I never “saw” the manipulation as you say until afterwards. She may have had a hard time walking away. 

 

[Gaeta]

32 minutes ago, Malin889 said:

Hmm, I disagree, I don’t always think you see it. I was in an abusive relationship for years and the  manipulation was often well hidden. Usually good manipulators often hide the manipulation pretty well. I never “saw” the manipulation as you say until afterwards. She may have had a hard time walking away. 

 

I completely agree. I was young once and not experienced enough to identify manipulation and no 'online forum' or Internet to teach me about manipulation. Then when my daughter was at an age to date (12 years ago) I'd point to her manipulation she was able to recognize it, did she act on it? Not often because she had that naive beleive that people can change. But I don't lose hope now my 2nd daughter is 15 years old with her first bf, already she can identify manipulation and not walk in it. 

In everything in life you have to recognize your part in the problem. Some people never reach that emotional maturity needed to do that exercize. For some, all their life it will always be someone else's fault.