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I feel like I'm being pushed too hard by my boyfriend so is he a control freak?

Gettingannoyed

By Gettingannoyed
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Gettingannoyed New Member

Gettingannoyed

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While my bf is still somewhat new (7 months) and has many qualities I want and need and we are in love, I'm noticing a trend which I find troubling or at least annoying.  He is somewhat dictatorial and bossy sometimes. I don't know whether it's b/c he is used to being that way with others, but I'm an independent person. He reminds me of certain things constantly and pushes me on occasion. Example is golf - he wants me to learn how to play b/c he loves the game and wants to play. He did ask if I was interested and I said "yes"; the next thing I know he buys me golf clubs and brings them to me so I can practice with him. He keeps reminding me to find an exercise class and says I need to get in shape. I have been dieting for the last several months and lost some weight and know I should exercise even though I'm still a normal weight but I don't want to be reminded often.

My prior relationship suffered from the overbearing/control issue and I left him after many years. I don't want to invest time in this relationship if the same result will happen.

Do I just tell him and should I expect different behavior?

 

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

People can only manipulate those willing to be manipulated. If you really want to get into Golf then tell him to back off and that you will learn golf at your pace and you will decide what is good enough exercise. 

If you are soft and usually let men manipulate you then this is not a man for you. 

 

  • Like 6
OnlyHonesty Established Member

OnlyHonesty

Posted
Posted

This sounds like a repeat of your prior relationship. You should ask yourself why, out of the billions of men avaliable, you just happen to end up with another controlling one. Only by looking within will the answers be found.

  • Like 3
Fletch Lives Established Member

Fletch Lives

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, OnlyHonesty said:

This sounds like a repeat of your prior relationship. You should ask yourself why, out of the billions of men avaliable, you just happen to end up with another controlling one. Only by looking within will the answers be found.

 - This may have some truth to it? But then again, control freaks are probably the most common issue.

What does he do for a living?

smackie9 Established Member

smackie9

Posted
Posted

 

I speak from experience. If you want your relationship last for the long haul, you have to have shared passions, desires and interests. Your relationship doesn't have that.

You are only 7 months in....he is trying to making you into his ideal GF instead of realizing you are not compatible. In a way it's not about being controlling, it's about not choosing the right partner.

  • Like 5
Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
Posted

There are a few things to consider.

Does he know this is how you feel? The standard rule is that if a partner behaves in a way that you do not dispute, disagree or disapprove of, the assumption is this behaviour is acceptable. So if he's bossy and takes charge while you sit around and act okay with it, does this really mean he's too bossy? 

Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted

Everything in life is a power game. 

I can be dominating with a man I sense as weak, and I will respect a man I feel I cannot push around. It's the same in relationships, friendships, work and at your mechanic. 

Put your foot down. 

  • Like 1
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted (edited)

Given that you have so much good, express your feelings to him and let him know what is and is not acceptable. If he really likes you and the relationship is worth preserving, he'll adapt. If not, you've got your answer.

I'm in a new relationship of a few months. We're both self-directed, strong, stubborn people, and up front we had some power struggles. I've communicated clearly what was and was not working for me and he's adapting quite nicely. He came right out and told me that I'm the woman he's been looking for his whole life, he's not giving up because he knows with someone else he'd just be thinking about me, he's going to do what it takes to maintain the peace, and he's doing it. 

Edited by Ruby Slippers
schlumpy Established Member

schlumpy

Posted
Posted

Try saying no next time. After all, you are a woman who values her independence.

  • Like 3
d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

Posted
Posted

If you feel controlled that is bad. 

I just had a different positive reaction to this.  Most men play golf to get away from the women in their lives for a few hours. The fact that your guy bought you clubs (an expensive gift) and is anxious to spend more time with you doing something he loves sounds like a good thing to me.  

  • Like 2
Ruby Slippers Established Member

Ruby Slippers

Posted
Posted
1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

If you feel controlled that is bad. 

No one can control you without your agreement - unless you're in literal chains.

If men were perfect, they'd never take women's soft, yielding behavior for granted. But I for one have never met a perfect man. It's up to us to make sure we're not being too soft and yielding.

  • Like 1
Hopeful30 Established Member

Hopeful30

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

People can only manipulate those willing to be manipulated. If you really want to get into Golf then tell him to back off and that you will learn golf at your pace and you will decide what is good enough exercise. 

If you are soft and usually let men manipulate you then this is not a man for you. 

 

Why would you dominate a weak man? As a woman, you should support him towards his strength.

  • Like 2
Gaeta Established Member

Gaeta

Posted
Posted (edited)
9 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Why would you dominate a weak man? As a woman, you should support him towards his strength.

It's all done unconsciously. Animals do the same. Even before you have identified someone as weaker your instinct is guiding you. I have seen this many times in business meetings as well. Just by a hand shake I can identify someone I can push or not. 

Personally I would not be in a relationship with a man I can push around. I need someone with a good character that can hold his ground with me but at the same time knows when to let me be the leader.

Edited by Gaeta
  • Like 3
SincereOnlineGuy Established Member

SincereOnlineGuy

Posted
Posted
10 hours ago, Gettingannoyed said:

While my bf is still somewhat new (7 months) and has many qualities I want and need and we are in love, I'm noticing a trend which I find troubling or at least annoying.  He is somewhat dictatorial and bossy sometimes. I don't know whether it's b/c he is used to being that way with others, but I'm an independent person. He reminds me of certain things constantly and pushes me on occasion. Example is golf - he wants me to learn how to play b/c he loves the game and wants to play. He did ask if I was interested and I said "yes"; the next thing I know he buys me golf clubs and brings them to me so I can practice with him. He keeps reminding me to find an exercise class and says I need to get in shape. I have been dieting for the last several months and lost some weight and know I should exercise even though I'm still a normal weight but I don't want to be reminded often.

My prior relationship suffered from the overbearing/control issue and I left him after many years. I don't want to invest time in this relationship if the same result will happen.

Do I just tell him and should I expect different behavior?

 

You have simply replaced  the (typical) male role in your world, with another facsimile.

  • Like 1
BrennaR Member

BrennaR

Posted
Posted

When someone is bossy they disrespect you. That is the bottom line. He wants to make a new and improved version of you. If up until now you've not voiced anything, he will probably be quite surprised that you are not OK with this. I would expect a fallout if you bring this up. I would still bring it up, because this is not ok with you in the long run. I think have the conversation sooner than later. Controlling people are often insecure, I would expect ugliness coming out of this rather than grace, but I would not wait any longer and voice my issues. 

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I speak from experience. If you want your relationship last for the long haul, you have to have shared passions, desires and interests. Your relationship doesn't have that.

I would suggest you need *some* shared passions desires and interests.  Are there things you enjoy doing together?

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
28 minutes ago, Ambereyes said:

he thinks you are too big ,cant you tell?

And given that the OP says she's a normal weight AND is trying to lose weight, this is worrying.  

  • Like 3
basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted

@Gettingannoyed Before discussing this with him, first decide if you want to try and fix things.  Given his tendency to be pushy, he's probably not going to change...so it may be a waste of time talking about it.    But yes, if you really want to make things work, you've got nothing to lose by talking about it.

If you do talk with him, have a zero tolerance for him trying to push you into things following the conversation. 

  • Like 1
healing light Established Member

healing light

Posted
Posted

The red flag I see here is about trying to control your weight, imo. If he's not happy at 7 months in, cut him loose. There are men who will accept you as you are right now and won't ride your case to lose more when you're already actively dieting.

  • Like 3
ExpatInItaly Established Member

ExpatInItaly

Posted
Posted
17 hours ago, Gettingannoyed said:

 He keeps reminding me to find an exercise class and says I need to get in shape. I have been dieting for the last several months and lost some weight and know I should exercise even though I'm still a normal weight but I don't want to be reminded often.

This is very concerning. 

Golf is the least of your problems with this guy. 

  • Like 3
simpycurious Established Member

simpycurious

Posted
Posted

Asking if you want to learn to play golf is not what I would consider to be a "control" move but rather he wants to

spend more time with you (maybe).  I golf a lot and it takes a good bit of time to play so maybe just maybe he

wants to be around more.  The staying in shape thing might be where some of the issue lies.  I am very active

and exercise a great deal and I see lots of people struggle, especially at first, to get themselves into shape.

They get in shape to feel better, look better, and overall health reasons.  Perhaps, he is JUST encouraging

you and not trying to control you.  Why not sit down and voice your concerns?

  • Like 1
Redhead14 Established Member

Redhead14

Posted
Posted (edited)
22 hours ago, Gettingannoyed said:

While my bf is still somewhat new (7 months) and has many qualities I want and need and we are in love, I'm noticing a trend which I find troubling or at least annoying.  He is somewhat dictatorial and bossy sometimes. I don't know whether it's b/c he is used to being that way with others, but I'm an independent person. He reminds me of certain things constantly and pushes me on occasion. Example is golf - he wants me to learn how to play b/c he loves the game and wants to play. He did ask if I was interested and I said "yes"; the next thing I know he buys me golf clubs and brings them to me so I can practice with him. He keeps reminding me to find an exercise class and says I need to get in shape. I have been dieting for the last several months and lost some weight and know I should exercise even though I'm still a normal weight but I don't want to be reminded often.

My prior relationship suffered from the overbearing/control issue and I left him after many years. I don't want to invest time in this relationship if the same result will happen.

Do I just tell him and should I expect different behavior?

 

If you are not so interested in golf, you should have said so.  You told him you like golf and most women would be loving the fact that he bought clubs for her, etc. so they can have something to do together. 

You can't tell him what you "expect" from him.  You can let him know that you don't like to be prodded about things and that you are a grown woman, etc. and then observe whether he makes changes to accommodate over a period of time you set for yourself (in your head) and then make a decision about whether it's working or not for you.  But, the golf thing, I'd leave alone except to say that he should bring the clubs back because, while you do like golf, you probably won't go as often as he would like and owning the clubs probably isn't worth it.

Alot of this is about lack of communication on your part.  "Honey, I appreciate that you want to help me succeed but I wish you wouldn't prod me about it".  Then sit back and observe whether he stops to doing that.

 

Edited by Redhead14
  • Like 2
Piddy Established Member

Piddy

Posted
Posted
22 hours ago, Gettingannoyed said:

While my bf is still somewhat new (7 months) and has many qualities I want and need and we are in love, I'm noticing a trend which I find troubling or at least annoying.  He is somewhat dictatorial and bossy sometimes. I don't know whether it's b/c he is used to being that way with others, but I'm an independent person. He reminds me of certain things constantly and pushes me on occasion. Example is golf - he wants me to learn how to play b/c he loves the game and wants to play. He did ask if I was interested and I said "yes"; the next thing I know he buys me golf clubs and brings them to me so I can practice with him. He keeps reminding me to find an exercise class and says I need to get in shape. I have been dieting for the last several months and lost some weight and know I should exercise even though I'm still a normal weight but I don't want to be reminded often.

My prior relationship suffered from the overbearing/control issue and I left him after many years. I don't want to invest time in this relationship if the same result will happen.

Do I just tell him and should I expect different behavior?

 

He bought you a set of clubs?  Fantastic.   Now ask him to buy you some lessons.  If he's an avid golfer my advise is learn how to play.  Otherwise you'll be a golf widow.  My wife doesn't play, but wish she did.  You'll gets lots of exercise and be with him.  Win, win in my book.  Hit'em straight!!!🙂

  • Like 2
simpycurious Established Member

simpycurious

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, Piddy said:

He bought you a set of clubs?  Fantastic.   Now ask him to buy you some lessons.  If he's an avid golfer my advise is learn how to play.  Otherwise you'll be a golf widow.  My wife doesn't play, but wish she did.  You'll gets lots of exercise and be with him.  Win, win in my book.  Hit'em straight!!!🙂

"Golf widow".....lol

Those 4 to 5 hour rounds at the club can SEVERLY irritate even the best girlfriend or wife.  Lots of exercise IF you walk as opposed to

ride (even with a caddie or pull cart) at least it's an outside activity

basil67 Established Member

basil67

Posted
Posted
9 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Perhaps, he is JUST encouraging you and not trying to control you.  Why not sit down and voice your concerns?

I agree that it's not control.   However, too much "encouragement" pushes the line towards trying to change a partner.  Definitely something to discuss if she wants to stay with him.

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