Juha Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 So, I do not post much here about what goes on in my life but after tonight just need to get this out. Met this woman online she is 37, divorced, 3 kids, ex is an ahole, fighting for custody, lots of lying, etc.... Met her online, messaged some then talked on phone day before. Good conversation, made plans to meet tonight grab a drink and something to nibble on. We meet, things seem to be going well, good conversation back and forth about a myriad of subjects, travel, activities, food, etc. Anyway, having a drink order another drink each, looking at menu, I was not really hungry, she wanted to get something so I said sure. Whatever is fine, I am not really hungry. She says she needs to call her kids in a few minutes as they will be going to bed soon at 8 PM. Said no problem. She said to order the thing she was talking about and goes to call her kids as it was loud in the restaurant/bar. 10 minutes goes by, she texts that she is almost done. the food comes and it has been 15 minutes and staring to think she took off. Then I get another text saying she will be back in a minute. Guess what??? Yup she left So I call her, goes to vm, I text, no response and still have not heard from her. Ok, I get it if you are not having a good time or not interested just say so. I am not some psycho who gets mad. Finish our drinks, eat and wish each other the best. Nope, not her. Even stuck me with paying for a snack that she wanted and told me to order when she went to call her kids... What kind of person does that? Knowingly tells someone to order food when they know they are taking off on them and knowingly sticking it to them on the bill to pay for said food. I have never had this happen to me. So here I am thinking what did I do wrong here? Did I insult her, bore her to death, something else? I always critique the date and how how I did or could have done better. I am perplexed on this one, have no idea what happened or what I did to have this happen.. Think I am sick of dating, again. Online is a complete waste, was off it and went back on to no good results, again. Am officially finished with online dating. In person is a desert. None of my friends have anyone to introduce me to or that I would be interested in. All my activities and groups are good but no one there to date really. Well there was one but she was interested but would not go out with me for some reason, she is not dating and living with my friend.. lol I have lots of female friends in those groups and activities. Don't know, obviously I messed up by not getting married when I was younger and am paying the price now that I am older and the dating pool is thin... It really is starting to have an effect on me and my friendships. I get invited to things but almost everyone is married or with someone. Very few if any singles so I am now finding myself avoiding going to things my friends invite me to as I do not want to be around married/coupled people. Feel like I do not belong there or fit in anymore. I do not even want to hangout with my single friends anymore. Have not had a real relationship in years, also at the point of knowing I am not having kids, not by my choice, and see no point in having any type of serious relationship if we are not going to have kids. Pretty much all women for me to date have kids, been married and are divorced. Pretty bleak outlook on my dating life, it makes me sad actually... I try to not let it bother me, am active, keep busy, etc. It does not help. Have never had things be this bad dating/relationship wise and do not know what to do about it. Also have to find a new job, and am helping care for a relative. To say my life is stressful would be an understatement. 1 1 1
Author Juha Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 Forgot to add that she was 35 minutes late to the date, she was keeping me updated and was very apologetic about it. She apologized many times. I was slightly annoyed as you know there will be traffic and need to leave early to make it on time. Pet peeve of mine is someone being late, shows how the person is if they are late for a meet or first date. Anyway just getting it out there 1 1
ccas93 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 What an incredibly crappy person you had the misfortune to run into. I'm sorry. Having a date like that would make me want to stop dating too. 4
Miss Spider Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) I’m sorry. I did the sneaking out” thing when I first started OLD. Maybe I can offer some insight. It was due to my own anxiety. It wasn’t that the guy was bad or I feared him. I just felt overwhelmed by the situation, the conversation, and didn’t think I could get out of it with ease, So I said I had to use the restroom and ran out and blocked., Yes, it’s immature, but you never know what issues this person has going on in their life. Try not to blame yourself. Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
falxmanolo Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 I'm so sorry! My heart honestly goes out to you.. This is literally being ghosted IRL and it's AWFUL. It's honestly never you... it's always the other person and their plethora of issues. Perhaps they are afraid.. Perhaps intimidated.. Perhaps just overwhelmed Perhaps a bad person, perhaps a good person having a bad day... The possibilities are endless but you deserve better and you will find it in time! And it's not your headache to even tease out the possibilities.. not worth your time or sanity :) 1
Blind-Sided Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 WOW... that just sux! I don't even know what to say. Taking off, and ordering food. Just wow. I guess all I can say is I'm sorry you had to experience that. But, stories like this are the reason I have refused to look at OLD apps. 1
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 57 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: WOW... that just sux! I don't even know what to say. Taking off, and ordering food. Just wow. I guess all I can say is I'm sorry you had to experience that. But, stories like this are the reason I have refused to look at OLD apps. My divorce will be final next month and I've read enough posts here lately that has me thinking to avoid OLD TOO. OLD appears to either be filled with people looking to waste your time or those with unreal expectations while looking for mr or miss right. 3 1
ChatroomHero Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 I find it interesting you describe her initially as having an ahole ex...I bet you were just exposed to a tiny bit of what he was exposed to full time. I bet she told you all about how terrible he was and all the things he did, etc. I bet if you talked to him he would tell you stories about her just what you witnessed from her only worse and you would end up siding with him. When a woman talks about her "ahole ex" early on I take it as a red flag. More often than not, I find she is labeling the wrong person an "ahole" and once I see how she is and the things she does, it usually shows me that her ex was probably the good one. You dodged a bullet. No matter how great you might be, to everyone around her you would be her "ahole ex" at some point. 7
Happy Lemming Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) Two pieces of advice... (1) Unless you are a "single Dad", don't date "single mothers" with minor children. This "single mother" had 3 kids and an ex that was being "difficult"; why would you sign up to date that. She said they were fighting about custody, but I guarantee you it was about money, not custody. I tried to date one "single mother" (she had one child) and learned my lesson, in addition to her constantly complaining about the ex-husband, she expected me to make up any financial "shortfall" each month. Hey, its not my kid, you figure it out. I refused to be treated like a human ATM machine. Your date had 3 kids, you dodged a bullet on this one. (2) Stop using "On-Line" dating... go out into the real world, talk to people, meet people with similar interests. It may take more time & energy but your efforts will be rewarded. Yes... her leaving in the middle of the date (after ordering food) was rude beyond belief. The additional texts telling you she was almost done with her phone call, add a level of cruelty which is unforgivable. Again, I think you dodged a bullet on this one. Edited February 26, 2020 by Happy Lemming 4
Gaeta Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, Juha said: Met this woman online she is 37, divorced, 3 kids, ex is an ahole, fighting for custody, lots of lying, etc.... This is what you did wrong, when she told you this you should have pass and went to next. She was not talking to her kids for over 15 mins, she was talking to her ex. Know how to pick them and you'll have much much less disappointment. I know that by experience, I spent a couple of years not knowing how to pick men and I have enough sorry stories to write a book. Edited February 26, 2020 by Gaeta 2
Fletch Lives Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Well, lots of women can't say "no" to your face. Look at the bright side........ some women will continue to go on dates with a man they are not interested in because they have no other love interest and are bored! You got out of this cheap! And honestly, I wish I could have ditched some of my dates early......I'm just too nice and sociable.
nospam99 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 OP, my sympathy. I can relate to the difficulty meeting women thing. People, especially here on LS, seem to think it's relatively easy meeting potential romantic partners 'in real life'. Sorry, not happening. Like you, none of my friends have so much as tried to 'set up me'. And they and I are old enough that there are no 'mixer' parties. In spite of years of meetups, I've never met an 'interested' woman there. And I in recent months I've been attending dances (I'm an experienced ballroom dancer). No interested women there either. So OLD, bad as it is, remains the best. Even there (OLD), only one meeting in the last year, though six in the six months prior to the most recent calendar year. And coincidentally I am scheduled to meet an OLD woman who 'appears' to be an exceptionally good match tomorrow. As always, the universe will 'roll the dice' with the usual possibilities of me not being interested (a priori unlikely), she not being interested, or WE will agree to start dating. So I'm not 'done dating' i.e. giving up, just doing 'a lot less' while I continue to be selective. I'm not advocating you do anything specific, just commiserating and sharing tales of my own, somewhat similar, experience.
Hopeful30 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 This behaviour is a reflection of her character, not yours. Don't read too much into it.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 2 hours ago, Pleasant-Sage said: My divorce will be final next month and I've read enough posts here lately that has me thinking to avoid OLD TOO. OLD appears to either be filled with people looking to waste your time or those with unreal expectations while looking for mr or miss right. I have been OLD exclusively for a few years now. NEVER had this happen to me. In fact, I have never had to prematurely end a date even if we realized that a second was coming. This is NOT exclusively a OLD thing. This is a character-thing. I was struck by the OP mentioning that his own friends do not or could not find anyone to suggest. Is that because of lack of options or something to do with the OP? It seems to me that the lady saw him and decided then and there that she wanted out. Is there more? 1
Ellener Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 1 hour ago, Happy Lemming said: I think you dodged a bullet on this one. Absolutely. This was nothing to do with you and everything to do with someone with a chaotic life and no social skills! 43 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: some women will continue to go on dates with a man they are not interested in because they have no other love interest and are bored! And they are not the kind of women to consider for grown-up company in my opinion! Shake your head and forget about her @Juha 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) 7 minutes ago, Ellener said: 50 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said: some women will continue to go on dates with a man they are not interested in because they have no other love interest and are bored! And they are not the kind of women to consider for grown-up company in my opinion! - Well, many women who are actually good catches do it....... not because they are bad, but simply because they don't know what else to do. Let the coffee buyer (the man) beware! Do you smell the coffee?! Edited February 26, 2020 by Fletch Lives 1
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) 33 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: I have been OLD exclusively for a few years now. NEVER had this happen to me. In fact, I have never had to prematurely end a date even if we realized that a second was coming. This is NOT exclusively a OLD thing. This is a character-thing. I was struck by the OP mentioning that his own friends do not or could not find anyone to suggest. Is that because of lack of options or something to do with the OP? It seems to me that the lady saw him and decided then and there that she wanted out. Is there more? I've had 3 suggestions (and a joke for a 4th) made to me by friends and I'm not even divorced yet. I've inquired about one of them but I'm waiting until the divorce clears before I spend anytime with other women. One of the other 3 are definite no-gos. The one I inquired about said she's not interested in dating anyone right now but was interested in making new friends. I took it she's interested but being extremely cautious and I don't blame her at all. Told her the friends thing sounded perfect. I told her I'd reach out when the weather got nicer and then we joked about how terrible it has been. If there's a connection, perhaps we can work towards something more exclusive with time. If not, then hey I got a new friend. No big deal. I live in an extremely rural area with limited populated communities. I think the friends suggestion problem just stems from the types of social circles you run in? There could be a problem with OP which is why no one suggests friends to him but I highly doubt that possibility since he is having luck getting dates with OLD. He is just matching up with bad ones. As for why the woman did what she did, I have no idea. I was thinking it may have been some kind of anxiety problem on her part. Maybe she really did call her kids and they begged her to come home and she didn't know how to cut the date short appropriately. 25 minutes is a long time though. And I don't know anyone who texts in the middle of a phone call. It's really hard to guess what really happened there. Edited February 26, 2020 by Pleasant-Sage
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 So you knew before the date she was going through a custody battle? Here's a tip, when someone has np speaking poorly about their ex in great detail, it's a BIG RED FLAG. Stay away from women with such instability going on in their life. Secondly, she might be the one with the issues not the ex. That might explain the custody battle. What she did to you on your date is a reflection of they type of person she is, next to all the other red flags. Most likely she's cheating, got busted and had to high tail it home. 1
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 5 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Here's a tip, when someone has np speaking poorly about their ex in great detail, it's a BIG RED FLAG. I can't say I exactly agree with this flag point but you're not the only one to point it out. I do agree that it's only their side of the story and there is two sides to every story to keep in mind. My wife talked horribly about her ex. I learned it was all true over the course of our marriage from other people. She would throw herself under the bus on her mistakes in the marriage too so it wasn't exactly like she was hiding anything. If this red flag thing is a thing, how is one supposed to explain the downfalls of past relationships when asked?
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 Relationships end with for various reason sure, but IMO if the person make it the dominant part of conversations I'm out. I don't like negative conversation as a part of getting to know someone. 3
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 6 minutes ago, smackie9 said: Relationships end with for various reason sure, but IMO if the person make it the dominant part of conversations I'm out. I don't like negative conversation as a part of getting to know someone. That's something I can agree with 100%
Author Juha Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 To clarify on a few things. I did not know anything about what was going on with the ex prior to meeting, she did not talk about it. Only came up in conversation when she talked about her kids, when we were having drinks She was not going on and on about the ex, just one line about him being an ahole. As far as my friends go, I have meet some women through them. Now there really are not many single women that they know, some divorced and maybe someone from work. The few I have met at, through friends are either I am not interested in or my friend steers me away from them even though their wife is trying to have me meet her. They steer me away as they know how the wife's friend is and does not want to subject me to that. His words to me... That has happened a few times where the wife has a friend that is usually recently divorced, the guy who is my friend tells me the details and that I should not meet her for various reasons.
Author Juha Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 Also, today I sent the woman a message to her. Told her... I do not know why she did what she did to me last night but whatever her reason, I wished her the best.
Author Juha Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 I did not see any red flags when texting and talking prior to meeting. Even when we were having drinks everything seemed like it was going ok. She was engaged in the conversation, we were sitting at a table on the same side and she was turned facing me, smiles, laughing, there was some touching. All good signs that the person is enjoying their time with you.
Author Juha Posted March 5, 2020 Author Posted March 5, 2020 Update on this: My date contacted me and apologized for doing what she did. Told me she knew she should not just disappear, was having a really rough time while calling her kids the father was giving her a hard time and causing issues on the call. She could not deal with it so left. I do not know the details on why she does not have them, know she left the house because he is abusive. Why she did not take the kids with her or kick him out I do not know. She apologized and wants to meet up again. I told her I would let her know. I am thinking if I want something serious not to bother, if I want something casual then maybe. We did get along and had good chemistry but lots of baggage here, that is for sure. 1
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