MsJayne Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 I’m probably over-reacting to this, but….. I’m pretty happy with the guy I’ve been dating for just over 3 months, so I don’t want to derail it, but something he said recently really bothered me. He’s got a holiday shack on a nearby island and we go over there regularly, and a few weeks ago his daughter, (21 and a bit of a princess, mainly visits him when she wants to hit him up for money), and her boyfriend, (a likeable deadbeat), came to stay the weekend too. I got along well enough with them though I wouldn’t want to hang out with them too much. A few days ago my BF and I were talking about his daughter finally getting a job, and that led to him telling me that she and her BF really wanted to spend more time on the island and that she was OK with me being there when she visited. I didn’t really comment but the general impression I got was that he’d checked with her to see if she minded me being there, and that really annoyed me. He’s trying to rebuild a relationship with her after quite a few years of limited contact, (he divorced her mum when the kids were toddlers and had sporadic contact during her childhood and teenage years), and so I don’t feel that I can just tell him I object to being “approved” by his daughter and frankly couldn’t give a s***e what she thinks of me, and I certainly wouldn’t say anything about what I think of her sponging off him. If she was still a child it’d be obvious why it was important for her to feel comfortable around me, but in my mind a parent seeking their adult kids approval is a bit of a warning, and I’m bothered by it enough that I haven’t been able to just brush it off. This may be because years ago I got involved with a divorced guy who was on the 'broken family' guilt trip and would let his daughter manipulate him to the point where it caused big problems between us. I eventually broke his heart by ending it because I just saw him as being weak and gullible, (and the GF before me had done the same thing for the same reason, so it wasn't just me being a petulant cow). I’m kind of recognising this situation again in that I already see that it’s a tenuous relationship, he wants his daughter in his life but she’s just milking it. I don't like seeing her using him like this but I know it's none of my business at this stage. I’m interested to know how other people handle this fairly common scenario, I know it causes a lot of angst and a lot of fights between some older couples. I can only bite my tongue so much, and I don’t like doing that because it makes my blood pressure go up
basil67 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) Honestly, I think you're making too many assumptions. If he has checked in with her, it means he's being sensitive to what could be complicated dynamics. If he hasn't checked in with her, then this was her giving the relationship her blessing. Of course her blessing isn't required, but it's nice to have. And while you may not give a rats about her blessing personally, you must remember it's not really about you - rather, it's how she feels about the relationship and her father moving on and all the complexities which could potentially with it. I would also caution you to not judge her too harshly at this point. There's too sides to every story and your boyfriend is only giving his side. And even if if his side is accurate, she's now at the age where she will hopefully take a big leap in maturity. It's a great time for a fresh start with her. FWIW, when my daughter broke up with her first boyfriend, she gave me permission to stay friends with his mum. It was funny and cute and great communication about how she was feeling. We parents need to know what's going on in the heads of our kids....even when they are grown up. Edited February 26, 2020 by basil67
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