How to recover from ghosting

[littleblackheart]

On 2/26/2020 at 3:06 AM, Cookiesandough said:

Me; Awesome. Let’s hang Sunday 

He: ok 

You initiated, he told you he was free Sunday, it's now up to you to come good on your word and get back to him with a fixed plan.

 

If you don't, you're the one ghosting him.

 

He laid his cards on the table, and it seems like he's just trying to gauge how serious you are.

[Zippy2000]

On ‎2‎/‎26‎/‎2020 at 8:44 PM, mortensorchid said:

SHow me one person who hasn't been ghosted anymore.  But as it applies to your situation, I think you should just let this one go.  I think he's bread crumbing you.  And maybe it's just me, but if I read that correctly, the first time you met him was when you met him and a group of his friends for dinner?  I find that a bit strange for a first meeting. 

If anyone who is bread crumbing.  Its cookie.  Remember the guy like her and is wanting to pursue a relationship.  Cookie ghosted and she her replies are bread crumbing the guy thinking he is on a way to a relationship.

Ive asked her to stop doing this as its unfair on the guy.  If Cookie hasn't heard from him then I wont be surprises.  She was "super ill" and was getting a puppy.  What she goes on to say there was "some truth" in those excuse which to me isn't the whole truth but part truths.

Leave the man alone who deserves some one who likes him for he  is.

[Miss Spider]

Thank you.
 

Zippy... Everyone here always goes on about “give people a chance” etc. “You can’t write people off so quick then complain you can’t find a connection” That is what I’m doing.
 

He ignored me all week. Today I wrote “Hi hope your week has gone well” He said “you too. What time do you want to hang Sunday? 

I told him whenever he wakes up from Saturday. I’m free all day Sunday, so what  time works best for him. 
 

He said noonish. I asked if he knows anything going on  Sunday. He said he’s not sure yet but he’ll check but we’ll get dinner and he hasn’t been to the movies in a bit. Do I wanna be his movie date. I said “yes definitely excited to see you” He said me too. So things are ok now. I lucked out here for now getting a second shot... but we shall see... 

[preraph]

Don't make it an issue on Sunday.  I bet if you are just friendly and smiling, he won't be tempted to spend the day having a confrontation instead, which would serve no purpose and not likely if he was going to do it, it would be in person.  He already did it via text, so just go and be friendly and assume he will do the same.  

[NuevoYorko]

On 2/26/2020 at 3:53 AM, JTSW said:

 

I agree with these statements.

Cookies, its the same scenario as all the other guys. 

They get super into you and you back off, get distant and decide that you're not feeling it.

That's your prerogative of course but it's not a good way to treat people.

 

I've noticed this trend.  It's pretty much 100% of the time.  It's not an unusual behavior pattern, except for the part where you act innocent and confused ... after you pretty much dumped a guy.  Or dated all his friends, maybe other things that are generally deal breakers.  That part I don't get.   What gives with that?

[Miss Spider]

Just to be clear, I dated two of my ex’s acquaintances semi seriously after we broke up.  The others  we just hung out. It was nothing serious or sexual. People with stuff in common tend to hang in groups.  And I’m sorry that I ended it with the last guy I knew from his circle... but how is it my fault he was insisting we were MFEO in text after the first date, knowing zip about me. He clearly had some issue(s).  I am just a woman trying to live her and life and date and happens to be having a string of misfortune by running into men who display bizarre behavior or that I just have 0 interest in/no sparks.  So no, not that unusual at all...

I’m seriously trying to muster the volition to get ready for this date today with this guy. My enthusiasm is on E, but I’ve done this before( ditched dates and regretted it), so I shouldn’t do it again. It’s just so hard now that it’s awkward. I feel I’m already at a disadvantage/in his “bad books”. Also; if had to quantify my interest in this person, I’d say 50%. But I’d feel dreaming awful if I canceled again. I just feel crappy today. 

Edited March 1, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

Just to be clear, I dated two of my ex’s acquaintances semi seriously after we broke up.  The others  we just hung out. It was nothing serious or sexual. People with stuff in common tend to hang in groups.  And I’m sorry that I ended it with the last guy I knew from his circle... but how is it my fault he was insisting we were MFEO in text after the first date, knowing zip about me. He clearly had some issue(s).  I am just a woman trying to live her and life and date and happens to be having a string of misfortune by running into men who display bizarre behavior or that I just have 0 interest in/no sparks.  So no, not that unusual at all...

I’m seriously trying to muster the volition to get ready for this date today with this guy. My enthusiasm is on E, but I’ve done this before( ditched dates and regretted it), so I shouldn’t do it again. It’s just so hard now that it’s awkward. I feel I’m already at a disadvantage/in his “bad books”. Also; if had to quantify my interest in this person, I’d say 50%. But I’d feel dreaming awful if I canceled again. I just feel crappy today. 

 

[OatsAndHall]

Eh.. Too many games for me. I'd just tap out and not risk having a weird first date. But, I hate feeling like I'm wasting time.

[nospam99]

@cookies. If there's a 'lesson learned' for you in this, it may be about being careful with generating expectations in people who contact you. My suggestion is that a polite 'not interested' early in the dialog or just not responding to an initial contact can save you from the uncomfortable trap of ghosting someone later on.

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, Watercolors said:

am just a woman trying to live her and life and date and happens to be having a string of misfortune by running into men who display bizarre behavior

Cookies, no disrespect but its not the guys that display bizarre behavior, its you. 

The only things guys do is get a little serious about you, wanting you to be their gf and you run for the hills. 

I realise that you never see what you are doing wrong. 

You are treating guys terribly. 

[Watercolors]

I think the lesson here is that people are not disposable...and treating them as such is wrong. 

Last year I was ghosted by a man in his 50s (divorced dad of 2). He asked me out for coffee and then no-showed. Then when I texted him, like you, he gave me a list of "excuses" that just proved how low on his totem pole of priorities I was. He didn't get a second chance from me. Why should he? Ghosting is an incredibly immature game and there are no winners. 

If you want to juggle guys and multi-date them, then at least be more respectful with your communication. Thank god I grew up in the 70s and 80s, before voicemail and cellphones. Very 'Reality Bites' but at least I knew where I stood with people. Cellphones are the devil. 

[basil67]

On 2/27/2020 at 12:00 AM, nospam99 said:

But what I get is that you're not 'dating' this guy and not interested in dating him. You're interested in hanging out with him. 

And taking it further, what I see is that you're simply using him because you're bored and have nothing better on offer.   

Please send him a message saying "I think it would be more wise if we don't go ahead.  I'm currently a mess, I'm being flaky and I have no idea what I want.  You don't deserve this.  Best of luck to you"

Edited March 1, 2020 by basil67

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I am just a woman trying to live her and life and date and happens to be having a string of misfortune by running into men who display bizarre behavior

While some of the men you've dated might have displayed bizarre behaviour, your own bizarre behaviour is a constant.  I do feel like you've stabilised somewhat since you first started writing here, but you've still got a long way to go in terms of learning to treat men with respect.

Edited March 1, 2020 by basil67

[Miss Spider]

34 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

Please send him a message saying "I think it would be more wise if we don't go ahead.  I'm currently a mess, I'm being flaky and I have no idea what I want.  You don't deserve this.  Best of luck to you"

I respectfully disagree with a lot of what has been said. I’m giving it a chance because I never meet anyone I really like or gives sparks for a long time  (not even just in a mutual romantic setting, just anywhere) so I thought maybe I should give it time to develop. There are things I like about him, just not enough. 
 

I do not want to go. The date is in 45 min and he wrote “can’t sleep” but write this to him despite a trusted member advising me to go. I can’t waste his time. I don’t want to spend his money, I don’t want him to invest more or anything when I am clearly not sure at all, I was telling that member that I would so much rather be home with my puppy and a nice meal. I will block him after because there’s nothing left to say. They will never know I did it either. 

 

g "I think it would be more wise if we don't go ahead.  I'm currently a mess, I'm being flaky and I have no idea what I want.  You don't deserve this.  Best of luck to you" 
 

Litsrally copies and pasted. 

The important thing here is what @nospam99 said, prevention of this happening again, I don’t know how to prevent it because interest can drop so quickly. I guess my best bet is the “hell yes” or “hell no” rule. If I’m not 100% sure I want to do something. Don’t agree. I’m sorry, guys  Thank you for help and acknowledging my progress though 

Edited March 1, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Watercolors]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I guess my best bet is the “hell yes” or “hell no” rule. If I’m not 100% sure I want to do something. Don’t agree. I’m sorry, guys

Rules imply more games though. How about you just stop playing games like the ghosting game with these men you casually meet? Why not just make it easier for everyone and treat them with more respect? You don't like being ghosted on do you? Do you think these guys like being strung along by you, when you don't respond to their text communications when you should? Telling the truth will get you a lot farther in life, than playing games will.  

Edited March 1, 2020 by Watercolors

[simpycurious]

2 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Rules imply more games though. How about you just stop playing games like the ghosting game with these men you casually meet? Why not just make it easier for everyone and treat them with more respect? You don't like being ghosted on do you? Do you think these guys like being strung along by you, when you don't respond to their text communications when you should? Telling the truth will get you a lot farther in life, than playing games will.  

I think that's a little harsh. I don't see anything that makes it seem like Cookie is "playing games."  On the contrary, she seems quite thoughtful and appears to make

an effort  to treat her dates with respect (or at least that's how I read it). 

[Miss Spider]

thank you. Yes, watercolors, I don’t see the “games” you are seeing. I didn’t play any games. I was honest in all my interactions until the very end. I just wasn’t sure. That’s the problem. I kind of liked aspects about him, but ultimately not enough. It’s not his fault nor mine

 

I’m just applying some rules to myself to help me decide who I should go out with or not. If I’m not “H*LL YES” or super into them, the more likely more interest will wane to a point of no return at any time 

[basil67]

Tell us: "I kinda ghosted"   Denies ghosting to the fellow who's interested.  If it's not game playing, then the only other descriptor is straight up lying.   

And of course, there still remains the thing about you only looking to date him because you've got no other options.   Would you be happy knowing that someone is dating you because there's nobody else?

[Miss Spider]

Sorry, I don’t agree I really ghosted... Ghosting is when you never come back. I sent him messages here and there. .  Hence kind of. .  . And I apologized to him for it. I understand he saw it that way but some people see it as ghosting when you don’t respond for 24 hrs 

Edited March 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Watercolors]

On 2/25/2020 at 9:06 PM, Cookiesandough said:

He said he wanted to meet up again and made suggestions but I got busy and was talking to someone else and I kind of ghosted him

Tell me again where you aren't playing games? You admit to ghosting this guy in your OP. You literally posted that you intentionally ghosted him b/c he wasn't that interesting to you. Then, you posted the text message exchange you had with this same poor guy, and laughed about how you really don't have that much invested and don't know if you'll bother getting back to him after he expressed interest in seeing you, and asked you to give him some clarification if you were interested or not. You agreed to see him today, but then texted him that nope, you're not interested (you cut and pasted another poster's advice accord. to you as your text message turning down the guy today). That's game playing. 

[basil67]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Sorry, I don’t agree I really ghosted... Ghosting is when you never come back. I sent him messages here and there. .  Hence kind of. .  . And I apologized to him for it. I understand he saw it that way but some people see it as ghosting when you don’t respond for 24 hrs 

Your thread title uses the word Ghosting!!

[simpycurious]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

Tell us: "I kinda ghosted"   Denies ghosting to the fellow who's interested.  If it's not game playing, then the only other descriptor is straight up lying.   

And of course, there still remains the thing about you only looking to date him because you've got no other options.   Would you be happy knowing that someone is dating you because there's nobody else?

I am going to venture to say that Cookie probably has more dating options than she has available days in a month.  I bet that I am right.  I don't see (in her posts) any 

evidence of ghosting or lying.  I think that she is particular about who she dates and does not want to LEAD someone on if she knows that there is no potential.  

I am VERY particular and I understand not wanting to lead someone on.  

[Miss Spider]

Okay fine let’s just say I did ghost. I admitted it and took responsibility for it. I asked if there can be recovery when a person feels ghosted, People did not say “leave it alone”. What was I supposed to tell him”Yeah, I’m feeling 50/50 on you. You didn’t really impress me as much as another guy at the time....so I stopped talking to you. Second try?” I mean if saving someone’s feeling is game playing. Yeah,,. I’m a total player ... playing games all the time. Because all I was doing was trying to get good again with him to see if there was a chance for a connection there. We had one date and it wasn’t 1 on 1 

He was cool enough. I really don’t get excited about anyone anymore and when I do, like the  guy I was talking to when I stopped talking to him, I lose attraction for some other reason... People preach getting to know someone to see if it grows All the time. 

 

oh and I never laughed about any of this,l. was laughing at his terse response to me...

I completely respect your opinion and perspective, watercolors. Just don’t agree. Thank you. 

Edited March 2, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[basil67]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

Okay fine let’s just say I did ghost. I admitted it and took responsibility for it. I asked if there can be recovery when a person feels ghosted, People did not say “leave it alone”. What was I supposed to tell him”Yeah, I’m feeling 50/50 on you. You didn’t really impress me as much as another guy at the time....so I stopped talking to you. Second try?” I mean if saving someone’s feeling is game playing. Yeah,,. I’m a total player ...

Of course you don't tell him that you're only 50/50 on him.  But it's game playing to tell him that you're really interested when in fact you're only seeing him because you've got nothing else on the go at present.

[Miss Spider]

Disagree. Like I said I’m 50/50. Kind of interested. I would not be dating him at all if it was 0