How to recover from ghosting

[Miss Spider]

 

Almost 2 months ago I went on a date with this guy(32) from an app. We went to eat with his friends late one night.  I thought he was cool and he’s in a decent metal band. His friends are  cool too. He was very cute as well, my type, but was no click in personality. At all. 
 

He said he wanted to meet up again and made suggestions but I got busy and was talking to someone else and I kind of ghosted him. But I would say “hey” and stuff here and there but no conversation came of it. 

This Saturday he sent me a text: “Damn I haven’t been ghosted in years.” And I replied “I haven’t ghosted! I’m right here.”

Super passive aggressive text conversation ensued: 

Me: Sorry if I gave that impression. I was super sick, got a puppy, and had to travel for an emergency 

He: Well I mean just communicate with me if ur interested. If not then it’s fine

He: Feels kind of dumb texting someone 3x before I get a response. I never do that. 
 He: But I was super into u. 

Me: I actually didn’t get a text from you 3x, but I have been having phone issues. Sorry. 

Him: Well regardless. It’s been a few weeks 

Him: If ur interested let’s hang out. If not just let me know 

Him: I’m super honest and straight forward always 

Me: I thought you were gone! I’ve been stressed with school. I’m definitely interested. I dig that you are honest and straightforward and I try to be too. What’s your schedule like

He: Nope. I mean I was gone in January for a bit. Lol but we have talked a lot since then 

He: I’m free til Thursday if you want to see me

Me: I def want to see you

Me: I’ll get back 

He: Waiting on u 

———-

So on Monday I texted him: Sup. I am free wed evening if you’re free, or anytime this weekend !!

There was no response for almost 24 hours, so I made other plans for Wednesday, so I texted him: Ok not free tmrw anymore but this weekend if you are free or anytime   Sorry and hope to see you again. 

It took him 24 hours to respond!!!  ]He said “I’m busy this weekend”
 

Lol So I figured that’s that. He’s done. He lost interest.  But a few hours later he texted “Sunday is free”
 

Me; Awesome. Let’s hang Sunday 

He: ok 

 

So  sounds super promising /sarc . Look, I’m only looking for a good time, so it’s no big deal I don’t feel we are a complete match. He knows how to party and is a ton of fun.  However, I do want it to be a GOOD time. I do want to see him again now. I’m worried this whole thing is going to put a damper on our date if it happens. Does anyone know how to recover from this or is too late/he just lost interest/ let it go? 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Interstellar]

He made a booboo when he made suggestions to go on a date. He should’ve called you and made definite plans for the next week, with time and place then boom, no more time wasted for him dragging things out on text. You just both show up.

So again, he didn’t make definite plans for Sunday, sigh. Maybe he just wants some sort of moral victory and not a date. 
 

I’d text him to verify the Sunday date, if he’s vague, wishy washy, or didn’t really make any plans then I’ll Next him.

 

 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Interstellar

[Miss Spider]

5 minutes ago, Interstellar said:

He made a booboo when he made suggestions to go on a date. He should’ve called you and made definite plans for the next week, with time and place then boom, no more time wasted for him dragging things out on text. You just both show up.

So again, he didn’t make definite plans for Sunday, sigh. Maybe he just wants some sort of moral victory and not a date. 
 

I’d text him to verify the Sunday date, if he’s vague, wishy washy, or didn’t really made any plans then I’ll Next him.

 

 

Thank you. should have been more clear, but when we were talking before he made  definite plans and i kind of blew them off. Or he would ask me when and I never responded . 

 

but you are right that he did not make definite plans on Sunday 

 

So you think this can be saved? When /how do I ask him to verify subday? 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Interstellar]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you. should have been more clear, but when we were talking before he made  definite plans and i kind of blew them off. Or he would ask me when and I never responded . So he did try initially

 

but you are right that he did not make definite plans on Sunday 

 

So you think this can be saved? 

Ohhh...lol, from a male perspective if a girl pulls that on me then it’s Adios baby. The odds don’t look good.

[Miss Spider]

Thank you ...So I shouldn’t try to verify ? Honestly I deactivated dating temporarily and have nothing better going on . Not talking to anyone at the moment. 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Happy Lemming]

3 hours ago, Interstellar said:

 He should’ve called you and made definite plans for the next week, with time and place...

100% Agree... Call up with a date planned.  This restaurant or activity, on this day, at this time... Done and done!

Date planning a first date isn't all that difficult, it is planning the subsequent dates/activities that becomes more difficult.

[Andy_K]

Honestly, you can pretty much do whatever at this point. You acted like a total flake, made feeble excuses he can see right through like they're not there, but made SUCH an impression on him that he's willing to swallow his pride just to see you again anyway. It's possible the anger/resentment will take over and he decides to even the scores, but more likely he's just going to get over-attached and you're going to hurt him.

In future, you might try quitting the games and being honest. "Hey, I wasn't really feeling it after the last time we met so sorry for ghosting, but I've reconsidered and would like to see you again if you still want to?". 

If you're going to date guys in their thirties, you need to approach it with the maturity of a woman their age, not a teenage girl.

Edited February 26, 2020 by Andy_K

[Miss Spider]

@HL Thank you for your perspective 

 

@andyK

Thank you. The thing is I don’t really see it that way because there  some truth to those excuses. I did get a puppy, for example. I did get strep throat. The biggest thing though was talking to a guy who is a software developer who was moving here who was into a lot of the same things as me.  I was so into him, I lost interested in a lot of others. But when we met it just didn’t work out.

So you’re right.. I should have said that. The truth is I don’t want to mislead anyone because I’m still on the fence. I don’t even think I want to see them again now that I’ve given it some thought. I keep going back and forth.

I wondered if I have to be the one to reach out more since I kind of canceled his last several date suggestions because or he is just not into anymore. I am wondering too if he’s going to even the score and be mean to me on the date or more likely some comment about what happened and humiliate me, so I don’t want to go. You’re right I can’t go back from it. Maybe there is no real recovery when you ghost? It breaks trust. 

 

Thank you, everyone, for your help. . I think I was just considering going because I’m not really talking to anyone  at the moment. I don’t know what I’ll do. I’ll update if I go with how awkward it was 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Legatus]

Okay you said you didn't ghost him because you didn't do it intentionally. That's not how it works. 

The ghosting is when the other person is so low on your priority list that other things take over and you forget about them. Yes you were busy, you got a puppy, you were ill. Those are all valid reasons to keep you BUSY but he went down the list so fast that the abruptness of it is a sheer definition of ghosting. If he were a priority of any kind you would have just messaged him to keep the contact to avoid exactly the situation you have now. 

Can you recover? Yes. Clearly he wants to see you again, so that's a good thing. Hopefully he won't make the same mistake as I did and get too involved too fast, in order to not get ghosted again, so do me a favour - please don't ghost him again for no reason haha Other than that be truthful. Don't try to deny what happened, get past it, and enjoy

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, Andy_K said:

You acted like a total flake, made feeble excuses he can see right through like they're not there, but made SUCH an impression on him that he's willing to swallow his pride just to see you again anyway.

 

3 hours ago, Andy_K said:

In future, you might try quitting the games and being honest. "Hey, I wasn't really feeling it after the last time we met so sorry for ghosting, but I've reconsidered and would like to see you again if you still want to?". 

I agree with these statements.

Cookies, its the same scenario as all the other guys. 

They get super into you and you back off, get distant and decide that you're not feeling it.

That's your prerogative of course but it's not a good way to treat people.

I think you're still good to go with this guy, just be more open with him.

[Blind-Sided]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

......

Thank you. The thing is I don’t really see it that way because there  some truth to those excuses. I did get a puppy, for example. I did get strep throat. The biggest thing though was talking to a guy who is a software developer who was moving here who was into a lot of the same things as me.  I was so into him, I lost interested in a lot of others. But when we met it just didn’t work out.

..............

And this is the problem with multi-dating.   You messed up.  This guy may have been OK, and needed more than one date to figure that out... but you did kind of ghost him because the grass may have been greener somewhere else with the software dev.  But the rocker guy is right... you could have still contacted him.  Sick with strep sux... but txt'ing doesn't need your voice.  And heck... if I'm sick... what else is there to do other than have a phone in your hand, and watch TV.   SO that's a thin excuse.

As far as the comments about acting like an adult... I would have to agree.  I just saw your post about ditching someone while on a date... so you obviously have a history of this.

Personally... at this point... just call him and say... "I know I F-ed up, and you are right."  Then, depending on how you actually feel say.... "I would like to go out on Sunday if you would still like to."  OR... "I'm sorry, and you disserve better and maybe it's best to just cut it off now."

Sorry... my 2 cents... take it for what it's worth.

Edited February 26, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Zippy2000]

You post is full of contradtions. 

Your title shows you want to recover from ghosting? However you got busy talking to someone else and "kinda ghosted him"

He messages you: “Damn I haven’t been ghosted in years.”

You replied “I haven’t ghosted! I’m right here.”

 

Well you did mentioned earlier you did so which is it?

You mention you were busy.  Busy doing what?  He asked you why you disappeared/ghosted and your best excuse was " I was super sick, got a puppy, and had to travel for an emergency".  Getting a reply like that isn't full of any substance.  To me your reply shouts Im not that that keen

No wonder he`s possibly lost interest and there is nothing wrong with not messaging someone within 24 hours. When did we have timescales to reply.  Someone can reply 2 days later if they want. 

You mentioned your personalities don't click.  You were busy. Well, not really.  You were busy speaking to someone else.  if I were you.  Chalk this up and please don`t play any games with the poor bloke.  He`s been honest with you and you should do the same.  Leave him alone and don't "damage" him for someone else who is actually interested in him! 

[nospam99]

Cookies, given that he's agreed to meet you on Sunday, you've already recovered from THIS ghosting. And you have the advantage that, with your age and appearance, men will allow you more 'slack' to recover than they will for a lot of other women. But what I get is that you're not 'dating' this guy and not interested in dating him. You're interested in hanging out with him. The difference between dating and hanging out determines the type of relationship you're 'in' but also the type of relationship that the guys will, sooner or later, realize they're in with you. And if it's not him to hang out with, it would be some other guy who passes your 'interesting person' filters. I suggest you consider what the men you choose to hang out with want. Granted that's not an easy thing to do. But giving thought to 'getting into their heads' will help you choose your own most appropriate behavior.

[clia]

You said your personalities didn't click when you went out.  Then you flaked on him and ghosted him.

Now you aren't even sure you want to go out with him on Sunday.

WTF are you doing?  You aren't interested in this guy.  Why drag him through this?  Just because you have nothing better going on?  You do this over and over again and it's just mean  The kind thing to do is to cancel the date and let him go find a woman who is interested in him.  

Edited February 26, 2020 by clia

[ChatroomHero]

5 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

Thank you. The thing is I don’t really see it that way because there  some truth to those excuses. I did get a puppy, for example. I did get strep throat. The biggest thing though was talking to a guy who is a software developer who was moving here who was into a lot of the same things as me.  I was so into him, I lost interested in a lot of others. But when we met it just didn’t work out.

So you don't feel like you ghosted him because you actually ghosted him for another guy that didn't work out? 

He's not dumb or super, super desperate so he knows it takes literally 3 seconds to answer a text or send a text and called you out and he was 100% correct. Then you replied that you were not ghosting him when you totally were and he also knows that. His texts basically pointed out he knew the score and it sounds like his last texts were delayed to make you twist a bit to get back at you for not being responsive.

You didn't click with the guy, low interest, that's how ghosting comes about every time. You told him you are honest and straight forward too but I guarantee if you keep 'trying' with this guy your lack of interest will make you flake and ghost and be less than forward and less than honest with him. I mean if you were honest you would have told him, "I don't think we clicked" and what you actually told him was, "I thought you were gone! I’ve been stressed with school. I’m definitely interested. I dig that you are honest and straightforward and I try to be too."  You were dishonest in your text about how you try to be honest.

I'd let this one go. I don't think you are interested and you know it. It sounds like you want to use him for something to do until something better comes along. Don't do that to somebody.

[Fletch Lives]

Wow, lots of game playing here. It might be better to go back online, pick a new guy, and start with a clean slate.

And going on a date because you are bored and have nothing going on and are not really interested is not fair to the guy....unless you make it clear you want to be just friends and pay your way.

Why not date somebody you really like?

You are a little naughty today, Cookies! 

[simpycurious]

Now that was a FUNNY post^^^ thanks for the laugh Fletch

[Ellener]

11 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I deactivated dating temporarily and have nothing better going on . Not talking to anyone at the moment. 

I don't think I'd hang out with someone because I have 'nothing better going on' socially, and his weird texting would put me off getting involved- what's he going to be like if he can pout already over nothing?!

1 hour ago, clia said:

WTF are you doing? 

Yeah, that...'do unto others' and all that.

 

[Fletch Lives]

35 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

Now that was a FUNNY post^^^ thanks for the laugh Fletch

 - That's just one of many services I offer!

[simpycurious]

53 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

 - That's just one of many services I offer!

Keep it up Fletch.  The world needs more laughter

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

He's just giving you a taste of your own medicine.  He's VERY interested, but is "playing the game."  

[introverted1]

I'd call this one done.

Yeah, you can probably see him him again, but he's on the fence between angry and interested -- he knows he's an also-ran but is hoping against hope it'll turn around -- and you're just bored and already know he's not going to light your fire.

Why prolong the inevitable?

[mortensorchid]

SHow me one person who hasn't been ghosted anymore.  But as it applies to your situation, I think you should just let this one go.  I think he's bread crumbing you.  And maybe it's just me, but if I read that correctly, the first time you met him was when you met him and a group of his friends for dinner?  I find that a bit strange for a first meeting. 

[Miss Spider]

Thank you, everyone. I do like him a bit. He has not said a single word to me since ok. I’m afraid to say anything like hi or how are you to him and get more curt response. I think you are right.  I should just call this one done  
 

Thanks again. 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Andy_K]

23 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

@andyK

Thank you. The thing is I don’t really see it that way because there  some truth to those excuses. I did get a puppy, for example. I did get strep throat. The biggest thing though was talking to a guy who is a software developer who was moving here who was into a lot of the same things as me.  I was so into him, I lost interested in a lot of others. But when we met it just didn’t work out.

So you’re right.. I should have said that. The truth is I don’t want to mislead anyone because I’m still on the fence. I don’t even think I want to see them again now that I’ve given it some thought. I keep going back and forth.

You could chalk this up as a peril of multidating then? You'll never have the time and energy for everyone, so if you're juggling dates, sooner or later someone gets ghosted or neglected. It's never a good idea to prioritise someone you've never met over someone you have who wants to see you again (if you're interested in them too). But it doesn't sound like you were too into this guy anyway, so no point losing sleep over this one!

Truth to the excuses you had doesn't matter... you're kidding yourself on those. People make time for what's important to them, and if meeting/seeing this guy again had been important to you, you'd have found a way to do it.