My girlfriend is becoming increasingly insecure around me

[Trail Blazer]

3 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Yes. This is stuff that compounds and compounds over time until the woman finally feels F THIS and leaves without looking back.

If someone left me and my only crime was having random people on my social media then I'm better off without them. *shrugs*

[Ruby Slippers]

Random people? You said yourself these are old dates, flings, and F buddies. Hardly "random people."

[Trail Blazer]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

I beg to differ. I also think you don't understand women and you make the mistake to think if you (a man) feel and think a certain way then she should as well. Best example you think because your girlfriend didn't ask you straight to get rid of the fwb and ons on your social media than she doesn't need them off of there. Your girlfriend told you in many ways she wanted them off of there but you cannot read women's language.

I understand women pretty well.  There's a fine balance between fairly compromising and going on a forever carousel trying to placate illogical thoughts/insecurities.

Where do I draw the line in placating her on such an issue?  Removing any ONS I see is pretty clear from your view.  My ex?  I mean, she was one of "the pretty ones" and we've remained friends.

I'm all for listening and doing the right thing, there practical.  However, I've 'been there and done that' in my first marriage - worrying about keeping her happy all the time - being reactionary to her every subtle wish/need.  I'm not jumping through hoops for a woman again.

[Miss Spider]

Saw the slippery slope argument coming. Draw the line where it feels if steps on your boundaries too much. Is it really that difficult to remove people from social media no longer in your life/have no purpose to be there. Shouldn’t even be an issue for you 

Edited March 4, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Trail Blazer]

6 hours ago, introverted1 said:

TB, I think what it comes down to is a version of:  do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

You can argue all day long with us here, and on a rational/logical level you may be right in some of your points.  But, ultimately, this isn't about being right so you have to ask:  is this the hill you want to die on?  You are SM "friends" with people who are neither your friends nor the far-away family members with whom you want to stay in touch.  There's a reason for that and only you know what it is and whether it's more important than your gf's comfort.

 

This is a very balanced and reasonable response.  Do I want to be right or do I want to be happy?  Both.  But the reality of being with someone else means compromise, so it is that balance I wish to seek.

Why do I have these people on my social media?  We added each other at a time when we were both single and dated briefly.  Why do I still have them on social media?  Well, because up until now I didn't think I was doing anything wrong...

[Trail Blazer]

3 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Saw the slippery slope argument coming. Draw the line where it feels if steps on your boundaries too much. Is it really that difficult to remove people from social media no longer in your life/have no purpose to be there. Shouldn’t even be an issue for you 

Not at all.  At the end of the day, my girlfriend is more important to them.  I just fail to see what I've done wrong here and trying to understand before I go and act. 

For mine, it was never about them being brief exes or whatever.  It was about them being "pretty".  Would she have brought it up of they weren't pretty.  Would it have made a difference?  I'm not sure...

[NomiMalone]

8 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I don't know about that... the feedback I've been given in recent times has been pretty favorable. *wink*

OP, people on here aren’t trying to be critical on purpose or to prove you wrong. There’s some honest insights (even though harsh) in this thread you’ll never get from your friends in real life, which is why feedback from LS is valuable. 

Learning to look at things from another person’s perspective will improve your relationships not just with your Gf but generally with others too. People gravitate towards those who make them feel good. We all do. An intelligent adult never stops learning, regardless of whether you’re 30 or 80. 

Edited March 5, 2020 by NomiMalone

[Backinthesaddleagain]

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I bet you're a hoot at parties! *wink*

Again, I am only trying to help you. Your responses show who you really are. You are very cocky, and I imagine things are always "your way or the highway". But seriously, you sound like a complete tool, and you deserve some immature, insecure, jealous child that you can argue with and control. Good luck in life (not really) I'm done with you.

[Kitty Tantrum]

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Well, because up until now I didn't think I was doing anything wrong...

That's one of the best answers I've ever read. I'm glad you're considering the possibility.

Here's something I've noticed about guys who "know a lot about women."

When they're talking about women in general, they will wax poetic about how irrational and emotional they are, and how they don't know what they want. (which, uhhhh... yeah, mostly true.)

But when they're talking about their girlfriend, they're awfully quick to imply that they ought to be able to rationally convince her not to feel a particular way about a particular gut-level reaction she's had to something. Or they accept that she's "FINE" with something, because "rationally she should be" - when the writing is quite clearly otherwise on the wall.

[Mrin]

OP's story in food: so I love to eat noodles. Italian. Chinese. Vietnamese. Thai. Japanese. Anyting. I'm a total fan. Anyhow, my girlfriend is gluten intolerant. We go out to eat a lot and every time she has gluten he gives her really bad indigestion. I don't have that problem. I can eat gluten every day. And so when I get a hankering for a noodles I liked it satiate myself with ramen. Like authentic ramen. And so I always try to take us to a ramen joint. But my girlfriend gets irritated when I insist that we go to a ramen joint. She'd rather go have pho because they are made out of rice and don't contain gluten. I also like pho. But ramen doesn't bother me. I don't see why it should bother her. And I think it's unfair that she gets irritated and doesn't eat anything when I take her out to eat ramen. 

Edited March 5, 2020 by Mrin

[balletomane]

TB, one thing to bear in mind is that your girlfriend has depression. One of the common difficulties caused by that is poor self-esteem and insecurity. A person suffering from depression will often have that nagging thought in their head that they just aren't good enough for their loved ones. You can't reassure your girlfriend out of her depression, but you can make things easier by clearing away unnecessary obstacles.

I'd argue that former flings you don't have any real connection with are unnecessary. I also doubt your girlfriend's insecurity is all down to their looks. Think how having these women on social media might be reflecting on you - it makes you look as though you're a collector with a shelf of collectors' items. Insisting on maintaining that collection can come across as vain, because people who keep former ONS on social media often do it because it makes them feel desirable, popular, etc. Even if that's not how you feel at all, that's easily how it could be read, and even a partner with no depression history might feel uneasy about it.

[Gaeta]

15 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I understand women pretty well.  There's a fine balance between fairly compromising and going on a forever carousel trying to placate illogical thoughts/insecurities.

Where do I draw the line in placating her on such an issue?  Removing any ONS I see is pretty clear from your view.  My ex?  I mean, she was one of "the pretty ones" and we've remained friends.

I'm all for listening and doing the right thing, there practical.  However, I've 'been there and done that' in my first marriage - worrying about keeping her happy all the time - being reactionary to her every subtle wish/need.  I'm not jumping through hoops for a woman again.

Is your ex that made you jump through hoops the same as the pretty one you don't want to defriend on your social media?

So if I summarize: you will not move one finger to ease your current gf anxiety because in the past you were unable to establish healthy boundaries with your ex and accepted to jump on her carousel again and again... So current gf is paying the price for your ex. 

So here is a compromise. How about getting rid of the ONS and FWB and keeping the 'pretty ex'? I am sure you also are friends with her family, common friends you had, etc . This way your gf sees you are serious about her but at the same time you won't drop just anyone to appease her insecurities. 

To me it's a win-win situation, you lose no one important and gf is impressed by your commitment. 

Edited March 5, 2020 by Gaeta

[elaine567]

On 2/26/2020 at 2:10 AM, Trail Blazer said:

J, and your ex, V, are really pretty. 

Neither of these are the ex wife.
As his e wife is the mother of his children he can hardly block her completely.
V is the gf from last year, and J as a girl he briefly dated after splitting up from V.

Any woman insecure or not if she was honest, is going to want these "pretty" women anywhere near him, that is the problem.
He made friends of V and J, which is all hunky dory, happy days.
BUT IMO it is never a good idea to keep exes hanging around and close, as they are almost always a cause of trouble in LT relationships.
Better to enter new relationships as ex free as possible, as it makes for a more peaceful existence.
Women can be very territorial.

[Trail Blazer]

15 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

Again, I am only trying to help you. Your responses show who you really are. You are very cocky, and I imagine things are always "your way or the highway". But seriously, you sound like a complete tool, and you deserve some immature, insecure, jealous child that you can argue with and control. Good luck in life (not really) I'm done with you.

Sure.  If, however, it's the highway one takes, I sure hope they don't hog the fast lane doing 10 miles under - lest I correct them on their driving.  

[Trail Blazer]

15 hours ago, NomiMalone said:

OP, people on here aren’t trying to be critical on purpose or to prove you wrong. There’s some honest insights (even though harsh) in this thread you’ll never get from your friends in real life, which is why feedback from LS is valuable. 

Learning to look at things from another person’s perspective will improve your relationships not just with your Gf but generally with others too. People gravitate towards those who make them feel good. We all do. An intelligent adult never stops learning, regardless of whether you’re 30 or 80. 

For sure. 

And in all other ways, I have no doubt that I make my girlfriend feel good.  I have never had a girl this "into me" before (except one crazy FWB earlier in the year who I don't count).  She tells me often how happy she is, how I do things that no other guy has done for her, etc.

I think what's getting lost here in this thread is that both of us are very happy, but especially she is.  We haven't exchanged the "L" word yet, but I dare say that she's somewhat feeling it.  I know she's fallen for me in a big way.

I created this thread as I could feel that despite what I do know, that my girlfriend is very much into me, it's insecurities on her part which are somewhat affecting things. 

I am certain of two things; If she wasn't as into me as I believe she is, then she probably wouldn't be feeling as insecure as she just wouldn't care as much.  Also, I'm pretty certain that if my exes weren't as "pretty" as she objectively claims, she probably wouldn't feel as insecure. 

It is not a trust thing; she doesn't think I'm going to hook up with any of them again (at least I don't think).  I purely believe that, for whatever reason, the fact that I've been intimate with "pretty" girls - girls prettier than her (in her own mind), she's feeling like she doesn't measure up in some way.

I acknowledge that my exes existence on socail media has caused this.  However, I maintain that I haven't done anything wrong.  I do accept that you can both be not at fault, but still do things which have undesired consequences.  

Imagine if it was on the other foot, though?  Imagine if I felt insecure because of the pictures of my girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend, all cuddled up in multiple selfies, on Waikiki Beach - her in her two-piece bikini and him with just bathers? 

What would that make me?  An insecure male?  Well, yes, in fact it would.  Lucky I'm not, because an inscure male is a male she might not be as attracted to - because insecurity is weakness - and despite all the crap society tries to sprout - women are attracted to strong, secure men.

Should I care that I've seen those pictures?  I don't know, now.  From the feedback I've been given, I feel as though I should be positively outraged.  However, the reality is, I do not care.  Maybe I'm arrogant amd full of myself, I don't know - I don't really think about it, I just be the person I am.  But, I don't exactly feel insecure around any other man, not least her ex, because I'm pretty confident in who I am and what I bring to the table.

In this instance, gender roles are working as nature would intend them to work.

 

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Is your ex that made you jump through hoops the same as the pretty one you don't want to defriend on your social media?

So if I summarize: you will not move one finger to ease your current gf anxiety because in the past you were unable to establish healthy boundaries with your ex and accepted to jump on her carousel again and again... So current gf is paying the price for your ex. 

So here is a compromise. How about getting rid of the ONS and FWB and keeping the 'pretty ex'? I am sure you also are friends with her family, common friends you had, etc . This way your gf sees you are serious about her but at the same time you won't drop just anyone to appease her insecurities. 

To me it's a win-win situation, you lose no one important and gf is impressed by your commitment. 

As elaine said, no, the pretty ex is not my ex-wife or the mother of my children.  I did remove my ex-wife from social media as she was causing issues.  

My "pretty ex' V, who I am still in contact with once a month or so to check in on one another, has family who I've also got on social media.  I spent Christmas 2018 with her family.  I have her two brothers and a male cousin as FB friends. 

Her cousin and I are quasi buddies.  We attend the same gym and I see him a fair bit and we have a chat.  He was a really good guy, as were her two brothers.  I liked her family and they liked me.  

I will think about how I proceed with regards to the others, however, there's no way I am unfriending V.  We didn't work out, but she's still a quality person and a friend.  

[Trail Blazer]

6 hours ago, balletomane said:

TB, one thing to bear in mind is that your girlfriend has depression. One of the common difficulties caused by that is poor self-esteem and insecurity. A person suffering from depression will often have that nagging thought in their head that they just aren't good enough for their loved ones. You can't reassure your girlfriend out of her depression, but you can make things easier by clearing away unnecessary obstacles.

I'd argue that former flings you don't have any real connection with are unnecessary. I also doubt your girlfriend's insecurity is all down to their looks. Think how having these women on social media might be reflecting on you - it makes you look as though you're a collector with a shelf of collectors' items. Insisting on maintaining that collection can come across as vain, because people who keep former ONS on social media often do it because it makes them feel desirable, popular, etc. Even if that's not how you feel at all, that's easily how it could be read, and even a partner with no depression history might feel uneasy about it.

When she specifically said, "they are so pretty - I don't really think I compare" then it has to have something to do with how they look.

There's no doubt that those two particular women are very attractive.  But then, so too is my girlfriend.  It's her low self-esteem which prevents her from realizing it.

I always struggled to understand girls at school saying "I'm fat" when, clearly, they were anything but fat.  I struggle with people in general who can't just see things for what they are and, for that reason, react illogically to something which is, objectively, a non-existent issue.

So, I defer back to your point on mental health.  Yes, I acknowledge that her depression is playing tricks on her mind.  Despite me telling her how beautiful I think she is, she can be both flattered by my view of her and unmoved from her own view of self-worth.

Believe it or not, I am trying my best to understand from her perspective and the feedback I'm getting is valued.

[Trail Blazer]

16 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

That's one of the best answers I've ever read. I'm glad you're considering the possibility.

Here's something I've noticed about guys who "know a lot about women."

When they're talking about women in general, they will wax poetic about how irrational and emotional they are, and how they don't know what they want. (which, uhhhh... yeah, mostly true.)

But when they're talking about their girlfriend, they're awfully quick to imply that they ought to be able to rationally convince her not to feel a particular way about a particular gut-level reaction she's had to something. Or they accept that she's "FINE" with something, because "rationally she should be" - when the writing is quite clearly otherwise on the wall.

Well, I still don't believe I've done anything wrong.  I've just seemingly put it out there and found the general consensus disagrees with me.  

The rest of your post, I cannot argue with.  I would say you're right, and that is the struggle many males have with women.  I am no exception.  

[Kitty Tantrum]

Well, there are several different kinds of "wrong," which could be described in many ways - I'll take a stab at it:

Absolute wrong - things that conflict with "objective morality." (Like if you're hurting someone in some way, but just don't care/think it's worth the benefit you get from it.)

Personal wrong - things that conflict with your own ideas of "subjective morality." (Things that make you feel guilty even if you're not apparently hurting anyone.)

Practical wrong - things that might not conflict with your understanding of objective morality/ethics, and which don't violate your own personal subjective boundaries - but which have negative consequences anyway, and are "wrong" in terms of conflicting with/being non-conducive to your goals and desires, based on the impact they have on other people and systems - and sometimes yourself.

I'll say this: there are an AWFUL lot of people who commit "practical wrongs" and then get completely stuck in a rut of trying to understand WHY they're not getting or achieving whatever it is that they want, why they're struggling with a given situation, etc. when they're "not doing anything wrong."

People often get dogmatically stuck on "right and wrong" when they ought to be examining cause and effect.

The ABSENCE of apparent moral/ethical deficiency is not enough to make up for decisions and behaviors that are "PRACTICALLY wrong" in terms of just not working.

[Emery1623]

45 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

“When she specifically said, "they are so pretty - I don't really think I compare" then it has to have something to do with how they look.

There's no doubt that those two particular women are very attractive.  But then, so too is my girlfriend.  It's her low self-esteem which prevents her from realizing it”  

^^This. She could be the most beautiful woman in the world and you could tell her this 10 times a day but if she doesn’t feel it then it means nothing to her.  Is she open to going to counseling to work on her self worth?  Being with someone who truly wants to be with you is better than being with someone who is with you because they feel they need to be with you and maybe don’t find someone else or can’t do better. You would both be happier in the long run.  
 

My BF added me on FB when we went out on a few dates several years back. I assume he also has others he did the same thing with. Do I like it? No. But I am trying to trust in him and us... it isn’t always easy. Especially for attractive women as it is ingrained in us from an early age that our looks are our most valuable asset so I think it’s common to feel threatened at times by other attractive women.  I could be projecting here but I have felt at times that no matter what I have to offer there is always someone prettier than me and that alone makes them more desirable than me.  Do you make sure to let her know the things you love about her other than her looks and why you have chosen to be with her?

Edited March 5, 2020 by Emery1623

[Ruby Slippers]

A wise person once told me that "when you respect a boundary, often it disappears." 

I know that when my boyfriend goes out of his way to respect my preferences, even the ones that may be rooted in some degree of insecurity, then I just want to give him the moon and ease up on him wherever possible. It shows me that he truly cares and takes our relationship seriously, respects my feelings and doesn't want to cause me any undue stress or worry.

[Trail Blazer]

4 hours ago, Emery1623 said:

^^This. She could be the most beautiful woman in the world and you could tell her this 10 times a day but if she doesn’t feel it then it means nothing to her.  Is she open to going to counseling to work on her self worth?  Being with someone who truly wants to be with you is better than being with someone who is with you because they feel they need to be with you and maybe don’t find someone else or can’t do better. You would both be happier in the long run.  
 

My BF added me on FB when we went out on a few dates several years back. I assume he also has others he did the same thing with. Do I like it? No. But I am trying to trust in him and us... it isn’t always easy. Especially for attractive women as it is ingrained in us from an early age that our looks are our most valuable asset so I think it’s common to feel threatened at times by other attractive women.  I could be projecting here but I have felt at times that no matter what I have to offer there is always someone prettier than me and that alone makes them more desirable than me.  Do you make sure to let her know the things you love about her other than her looks and why you have chosen to be with her?

She has told me she's seen a psychologist to work on herself.  She has gone on and off for years.

I've told why I am with her other than her looks.  

That's a great post you've made.  The insight you've provided is very interesting.  Thank you for sharing.

[Lotsgoingon]

We are not in the territory of "wrong-right" on the matter of social media photos.

We're in the realm of clarity and prudence and judgment. Yes, I would be bothered if  I was dating a woman who had a ton of bikini pics with exes. Absolutely! ... I would be blindly foolish not to be bothered.  

Dating step #1: make sure your love interest is fully available--and has closed all chapters with exes.  I think a man would be utterly foolish not to say something about social media photos with exes. 

I just think your gf should be more clear ... forget comparisons, she needs to ask for what she wants to feel safe with you. On the other hand you want to make sure you're not playing subtle mind games by keeping up the old pics. I'm sorry, "I never thought of that" ain't a convincing response.  She arrives at a date with you and steps out of sports car driving by another guy. Guy gets out and hugs her and plants a big kiss on her cheek before she enters the restaurant with you. 

You see all this and  ask what's up. She says, "Oh, I never thought about it. He's just a friend."  You'd believe that?

 

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, Lotsgoingon said:

We are not in the territory of "wrong-right" on the matter of social media photos.

We're in the realm of clarity and prudence and judgment. Yes, I would be bothered if  I was dating a woman who had a ton of bikini pics with exes. Absolutely! ... I would be blindly foolish not to be bothered.  

Dating step #1: make sure your love interest is fully available--and has closed all chapters with exes.  I think a man would be utterly foolish not to say something about social media photos with exes. 

I just think your gf should be more clear ... forget comparisons, she needs to ask for what she wants to feel safe with you. On the other hand you want to make sure you're not playing subtle mind games by keeping up the old pics. I'm sorry, "I never thought of that" ain't a convincing response.  She arrives at a date with you and steps out of sports car driving by another guy. Guy gets out and hugs her and plants a big kiss on her cheek before she enters the restaurant with you. 

You see all this and  ask what's up. She says, "Oh, I never thought about it. He's just a friend."  You'd believe that?

 

Obviously not, because that analogy is ridiculous.  Both my girlfriend and my ex-girlfriend have pictures of their exes on social media.  They simply do not delete old photos.  Nor do I. 

I don't worry for a second that my gf is into anyone else but me.  Why would I?  Old photos that she hasn't deleted don't affect me in any way.  However, if you're suggesting I'm playing subtle mind games, would it not be a stretch to suggest she's also doing the same, based on your argument?

 

[Gaeta]

Trail Blazer: You have 6 pages of women and men telling you to unfriend a few of those contacts, what have you decided to do? You think we are all wrong?