My girlfriend is becoming increasingly insecure around me

March 3, 2020

15 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

I mean, like we've all said: your girlfriend is keeping other dudes on her social media, so it's arguably "fair game" - but the bottom line is that BOTH OF YOU doing something that undermines your relationship isn't going to cancel each other out and make it somehow healthy and sustainable.

OP said his gf keeps exs on her social media, not fwb, not flings, not ons. I assume they are proper exs maybe of several years.

March 3, 2020

24 minutes ago, dramallama said:

Yes, because she has anxiety. I'm not saying she will be on there daily and if you don't post much there's far less reason to, but it's certainly likely that in anxious moments she may look again and again, yes.

That's why I liked that my guy has culled his list of his own accord. He posts a lot so I see the 'usual suspects' liking and commenting. He's got rid of another 4 since Sunday. I suspect he's clearing out any of the women he's spoken to since we met who might react / have an opinion when he makes us "social media official". I know he was entertaining conversations (but didn't actually meet up with anyone else) for the first 3 months until we had a deep and meaningful- as was I. That's dating- but we're moving forward and making each other more more of a priority over time.

I've never expressed any opinions about social media to him but I've told him when I'm feeling anxious/insecure and some of the triggers. He takes it all on board and adjusts his behaviour accordingly. It feels good to me!

Oh my lordy, it sounds like you guys have a healthy relationship! This is how it's done.

March 3, 2020

On 3/1/2020 at 11:08 AM, Gaeta said:

No, my ex-husband died 6 years ago. My current bf would see normal my ex was on my friends list as we have a daughter together. My bf is not in social media but keeps in touch with his ex on whatsap to manage things for their daughter.

Oh, okay then. I'm really sorry to hear that.

March 3, 2020

14 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

I've read through all 4 pages of this. Trail Blazer, if you are really in your 30s, you are either very naive, or you are an a**h***. There were multiple things you said that made me cringe throughout, but the worst was "I just have to know when to treat her like a woman, and when to treat her equally". You may not even realize how misogynistic you are coming off, but seriously bro... And I like a**h*** insult comics like Anthony Jeselnik. If you truly cared about this girl like you claim, you would sit down and have a conversation about this and fix it. Not a sheepish conversation that goes in circles without any resolution. You know she has mild depression, and you know she has creeped on your social media and is insecure about it. Your choice is to fix things now, or continue doing what you are doing and watch as the relationship slowly disintegrates. I guess it all comes down to how important those past FWBs, etc really are.

Good luck sir.

Nice rant. Would definitely read again.

March 3, 2020

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

OP said his gf keeps exs on her social media, not fwb, not flings, not ons. I assume they are proper exs maybe of several years.

You're correct. Her two exes she has is her previous bf that she was with for around one year and a bf she had for eight years. There's definitely a differencd between who we have from our previous dating life on our social media, but either way, just their existence could cause insecurity, rather than who they are.

Not for one second did my girlfriend express concern or distrust that any of these flings or exes were women she had to worry about. Never did she imply she was concerned I was going to ditch her for them. The only thing she remarked about them was that they (two in particular, one including my ex-girlfriend who I was with for a year) was that they were "really pretty" and "I don't think I compare."

I could have been with them one week, one year or 10 years... if they were "pretty" then that's seemingly the only issue. I could just as easily think, "Oh, her exes were so handsome" and start feeling insecure. The fact that I don't is irrelevant with the point I'm making, because, just their sheer presence (publicly available to see) is enough.

So, in the context of the potential for causing imsecurity from purely a looks perspective, what we're doing is no different. If one wishes to look beyond that, then yes, it's different. Whilst I'm not bothered by being judged for it, I do ask that the pertinent issues are focused on more here.

March 3, 2020

5 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I don't do social media anymore except for LinkedIn for my professional life. When I did do social media, yes, I immediately unfriended/unfollowed anyone when we broke up. I didn't go back to old content and make changes, just stopped any communication moving forward.

I agree that since your girlfriend also maintains connections with exes, you're on the same page. But you might want to consider a different approach, given that it's creating all this negativity in your relationship. You have nothing to gain from maintaining connections with exes, but a whole lot to gain from focusing on this one.

If I unfriended/unfollowed, there would still be content on my FB wall or Insta photos if I didn't edit the content. I actually did remove my ex-wife from Facebook a few months into our seperation as she was causing issues.

My previous ex and I are still somewhat friends. She had a young son and we'd both spent a lot of time with each other's kids. We keep in touch once a month or so and check in on one another, including asking how the kids are going, etc.

My girlfriend still talks to her ex in a similar fashion, except neither one has kids. To be honest, I'm not really sure why she'd want to keep in contact with him too much as he shafted her a bit, I think, when he encouraged her to move in with him, then broke up with her two months later and she had to move out of his home.

March 3, 2020

4 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

My ex-boyfriend used to send me to bars to hook up with random dudes because he liked that. One of those dudes was actually (refreshingly) really nice and fun to spend time with and I saw him a small handful of times. Should I have HIM following me around on social media for my husband to see - and insist that because I'm not banging him NOW, that accepting attention from him (which will always in some way maintain a mental association to the physical intimacy we shared) should be totally okay?

Wait, what!? Everything else you posted has been noted, but this sounds truly bizarre. Did he have some kind of hold over you? Who goes and hooks up with random dudes just to appease their partner?

March 3, 2020

52 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Nice rant. Would definitely read again.

Haha, it wasn't a rant (Yes I realize your sarcasm). I was giving you advice bro. I'm not just some know-it-all who spews stuff I heard last week on Dr. Phil. Almost all of my advice comes from mistakes I have made, and my failed marriage of almost 20 years that was almost 100% my fault. Sometimes I talk out of my ass on accident, and sometimes I am just flat out wrong. But my posts on this forum since I joined a couple days ago come from a good place, and really wanting to help people who are struggling with their love lives.

But if you want to be a Richard Cranium, carry on. It looks like you have things covered. You and your girl should both just keep adding orbiters to your SM. That should solidify and strengthen the relationship. See? I can be sarcastic too!

March 4, 2020

3 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Wait, what!? Everything else you posted has been noted, but this sounds truly bizarre. Did he have some kind of hold over you? Who goes and hooks up with random dudes just to appease their partner?

Well, it's a pattern of behavior that started with my first husband - and you could certainly argue that there was an imbalance in that marriage that gave him an undue hold. I've written a lot about that elsewhere, though. With the ex-boyfriend, all I can say is that he REALLY liked it - and he was really good to me, and I was on a weird enough path by then that it honestly didn't seem like a bad idea at the time.

Doesn't really have any bearing on the other stuff I said, though. Just pointing out that in MY view, keeping guys like that in my social media once I was in a (monogamous) relationship was just... so glaringly obviously NOT the "right" thing to do. Like I said, there are rationalizations (and basically ANYTHING can be rationalized if you want to make an argument to justify it), and then there's predictable human behavior and reactions. Those we don't have so much control over.

Edited March 4, 2020 by Kitty Tantrum

March 4, 2020

I'm with @RubySlippers - OP how old are you?

Life is so much better and simpler without social media. Life and love are already hard enough without adding that unnecessary element of drama to it - something that isn't even REAL!

March 4, 2020

On 3/3/2020 at 10:50 PM, Acacia98 said:

I actually feel sorry for TrailBlazer. It's not that I think he's completely perfect and his girlfriend is wrong. It's that many of y'all are reading your own stuff into his posts and ascribing some very strange motivations to him.

Me too I feel sorry for Trail Blazer - because he doesn’t seem to understand women well, and after 5 pages, also doesn’t seem willing to take advice you’re all trying to help him with.

As a side note - in the (Western) country where I live, passengers commenting on the driver’s driving (or offering unsolicited driving instructions) whilst in the car is generally considered quite rude.

March 4, 2020

13 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

Well, it's a pattern of behavior that started with my first husband - and you could certainly argue that there was an imbalance in that marriage that gave him an undue hold. I've written a lot about that elsewhere, though. With the ex-boyfriend, all I can say is that he REALLY liked it - and he was really good to me, and I was on a weird enough path by then that it honestly didn't seem like a bad idea at the time.

Doesn't really have any bearing on the other stuff I said, though. Just pointing out that in MY view, keeping guys like that in my social media once I was in a (monogamous) relationship was just... so glaringly obviously NOT the "right" thing to do. Like I said, there are rationalizations (and basically ANYTHING can be rationalized if you want to make an argument to justify it), and then there's predictable human behavior and reactions. Those we don't have so much control over.

It sounds like you've lived an interesting life. I don't blame you for not wanting to keep a guy like that on your social media. Having said that, the theme I'm hearing, though, is that what he did was irrelevant, the only pertinent thing here is that he's an ex; ergo, he has to go.

March 4, 2020

13 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

I'm with @RubySlippers - OP how old are you?

Life is so much better and simpler without social media. Life and love are already hard enough without adding that unnecessary element of drama to it - something that isn't even REAL!

I posted my age in the opening post. I am 35.

Social media is fantastic. I work away a lot in sometimes remote areas of the country where, often, cell phone reception is limited.

Our company provides Wi-Fi, although it's not high quality. Wi-Fi calling doesn't work. Messenger works fine, though, including calling through it. I use it to call my kids.

I also have a lot of family overseas. I have connected with family in Europe, Australia, Canada and the Middle East.

I think social media can potentially be very bad but in my experience the good outweighs the bad by a fair way.

March 4, 2020

48 minutes ago, NomiMalone said:

Me too I feel sorry for Trail Blazer - because he doesn’t seem to understand women well, and after 5 pages, also doesn’t seem willing to take advice you’re all trying to help him with.

As a side note - in the (Western) country where I live, passengers commenting on the driver’s driving (or offering unsolicited driving instructions) whilst in the car is generally considered quite rude.

I don't know about that... the feedback I've been given in recent times has been pretty favorable. *wink*

March 4, 2020

2 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

It sounds like you've lived an interesting life. I don't blame you for not wanting to keep a guy like that on your social media. Having said that, the theme I'm hearing, though, is that what he did was irrelevant, the only pertinent thing here is that he's an ex; ergo, he has to go.

You seem to be getting off topic of your own thread (several times in fact). If other people want to have 3 ways and stuff, why do you care? You should be focusing on the issue you posted about and your girlfriend if you care about her, and actually trying to find out the reason she is becoming more and more insecure around you(besides the SM thing). My guess based on your posts is that you both are emotionally immature, and probably need to do some work on yourselves to get where you want to be in the relationship. This isn't an attack Trail Blazer, just what I see. Please don't come back with a retaliatory post, I am not trying to insult you. And the "*wink*" thing you have done a couple times is really weird. These women giving you advice on here are not trying to flirt with you. Take a look at yourself, and be objective.

March 4, 2020

24 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I posted my age in the opening post. I am 35.

Social media is fantastic. I work away a lot in sometimes remote areas of the country where, often, cell phone reception is limited.

Our company provides Wi-Fi, although it's not high quality. Wi-Fi calling doesn't work. Messenger works fine, though, including calling through it. I use it to call my kids.

I also have a lot of family overseas. I have connected with family in Europe, Australia, Canada and the Middle East.

I think social media can potentially be very bad but in my experience the good outweighs the bad by a fair way.

I mean I think most of us probably live far from family. I know people who use WhatsApp to chat with family overseas.

But hey it's your funeral.

March 4, 2020

33 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I don't know about that... the feedback I've been given in recent times has been pretty favorable. *wink*

I beg to differ. I also think you don't understand women and you make the mistake to think if you (a man) feel and think a certain way then she should as well. Best example you think because your girlfriend didn't ask you straight to get rid of the fwb and ons on your social media than she doesn't need them off of there. Your girlfriend told you in many ways she wanted them off of there but you cannot read women's language.

March 4, 2020

TB, I think what it comes down to is a version of: do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

You can argue all day long with us here, and on a rational/logical level you may be right in some of your points. But, ultimately, this isn't about being right so you have to ask: is this the hill you want to die on? You are SM "friends" with people who are neither your friends nor the far-away family members with whom you want to stay in touch. There's a reason for that and only you know what it is and whether it's more important than your gf's comfort.

March 4, 2020

2 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

the theme I'm hearing, though, is that what he did was irrelevant, the only pertinent thing here is that he's an ex; ergo, he has to go.

Yes, that is essentially correct - with the caveat that exceptions may be made to preserve legitimate family and community ties.

If your only "tie" to someone is that you had a brief physical/romantic/sexual relationship with them, without establishing any shared community/family/network that PREVENTS a clean break - then a clean break is absolutely warranted.

What other reason do you have for keeping those people around? Literally their only status is "someone I banged/had the hots for." THAT association, THAT memory, is what you're insisting on keeping alive when you maintain and nurture those connections. Because there is literally nothing else to keep them around FOR. THOSE are the memories and associations that fire through your neural pathways when you interact with those people, and no amount of protestation that your HIGHER BRAIN "doesn't intend to do that" will change what actually happens in there at the base level.

March 4, 2020

2 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Best example you think because your girlfriend didn't ask you straight to get rid of the fwb and ons on your social media than she doesn't need them off of there. Your girlfriend told you in many ways she wanted them off of there but you cannot read women's language.

Yes. This is stuff that compounds and compounds over time until the woman finally feels F THIS and leaves without looking back.

March 4, 2020

24 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

Yes, that is essentially correct - with the caveat that exceptions may be made to preserve legitimate family and community ties.

If your only "tie" to someone is that you had a brief physical/romantic/sexual relationship with them, without establishing any shared community/family/network that PREVENTS a clean break - then a clean break is absolutely warranted.

What other reason do you have for keeping those people around? Literally their only status is "someone I banged/had the hots for." THAT association, THAT memory, is what you're insisting on keeping alive when you maintain and nurture those connections. Because there is literally nothing else to keep them around FOR. THOSE are the memories and associations that fire through your neural pathways when you interact with those people, and no amount of protestation that your HIGHER BRAIN "doesn't intend to do that" will change what actually happens in there at the base level.

Very well said. I would add 1 thing, that Trail Blazer's girl needs to follow suit. If they are serious about staying together and having a solid relationship, they will sit down, talk about it, and go through SM together and get rid of the unnecessary ones. It isn't about being controlled, jealous, possessive, or whatever. It's about trust, mutual respect, and working together to solve problems. If they can handle that, they will have a higher chance for long term success.

March 4, 2020

@introverted1 you are so right and that sort of thinking is something I had to learn the hard way. Do I want to be right all by myself? LOL or I can figure out a way to compromise and be in a happy relationship. It is not a fun lesson for someone who enjoys proving other people wrong.

March 4, 2020

19 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@introverted1 It is not a fun lesson for someone who enjoys proving other people wrong.

Which you definitely enjoy lol

March 4, 2020

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Your girlfriend told you in many ways she wanted them off of there but you cannot read women's language.

YES.

1 hour ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

I would add 1 thing, that Trail Blazer's girl needs to follow suit.

Also YES.

Also also: I'd venture to say it's LIKELY that somewhere deep down she's hoping Trail Blazer will become jealous of one of the guys she keeps around on her social media, so that she has a reason to ask him to remove his old flings/FWBs - without bringing it up first and getting the "you're a bad girlfriend for telling me who not to be friends with" line.

March 4, 2020

6 hours ago, Backinthesaddleagain said:

You seem to be getting off topic of your own thread (several times in fact). If other people want to have 3 ways and stuff, why do you care? You should be focusing on the issue you posted about and your girlfriend if you care about her, and actually trying to find out the reason she is becoming more and more insecure around you(besides the SM thing). My guess based on your posts is that you both are emotionally immature, and probably need to do some work on yourselves to get where you want to be in the relationship. This isn't an attack Trail Blazer, just what I see. Please don't come back with a retaliatory post, I am not trying to insult you. And the "*wink*" thing you have done a couple times is really weird. These women giving you advice on here are not trying to flirt with you. Take a look at yourself, and be objective.

I bet you're a hoot at parties! *wink*

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