My girlfriend is becoming increasingly insecure around me

[Trail Blazer]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

No, let me explain. 

You have your real ex, the mother of your children and other women you dated or lived with in terms of years, not months. I see nothing wrong with having these people on your social media. I had my ex-husband and his wife as friends on my FB, as well as all of his siblings, neices and nephew. That is normal when you spent 15 years with someone. What I don't agree with are keeping on your social media ONS, FWB, and women you dated a couple of months. Those people never had any value to your life and never will so why prioritize them over your gf. Keeping ONS, FWB and the random hot girl on your social media is for single men, not men in relationships.

Yes, but that's not what you said.  I accept that your clarification is what you actually meant, though.

You used the word had regarding your ex-husband on FB.  Did you remove him when you started seeing your new guy?  

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

You used the word had regarding your ex-husband on FB.  Did you remove him when you started seeing your new guy?  

No, my ex-husband died 6 years ago. My current bf would see normal my ex was on my friends list as we have a daughter together. My bf is not in social media but keeps in touch with his ex on whatsap to manage things for their daughter. 

[Kitty Tantrum]

I do have children from my previous marriage, and they met my new husband before he and I ever dated or hooked up or got involved in any way beyond being acquaintances (though they never witnessed us sleeping together or anything that would suggest that, until we actually moved in together). It's a very normal thing that happens when you meet people organically - so the idea that new people should be kept away from children for X amount of time ("until you're sure") seems to me like this weird construct by which every child in the modern world will always know that any partner their parent introduces them to - they've already been banging for god knows how long. So justifying keeping a foot out the door as somehow "sparing" your child something... yeah, I dunno. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

[Morello]

15 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I told my girlfriend who those girls were and why they would never be women with whom I'd want a relationship.  She said she had no issue at all about that.  All she said was she though some of them were "really pretty" and didn't think she compared to some of them.

It surprises me a bit that you think women think as logically as men do. You almost sound like her dad. Women say things they don't mean all the time. It certainly doesn't look like the way you're addressing these issues is helping, given you coming here for advice.

You think that just by saying these things and explaining rationally why you wouldn't want a relationship with them is gonna ease her anxiety? Explaining exactly why it didn't work with each of them is just gonna give her plenty of food for thought about things that she now realises she can't do if she wants to keep you. And I'm sure the list keeps growing longer for each ex you describe how and why it didn't work.

Trust me, while you think you're doing a great job in dealing with her concerns, you are just adding more fuel to the fire. I have no idea why you need to go in so much detail. If she asks you, just say it's irrelevant because you decided to be with her and not with the exes. Period. Anything else you say is just gonna be stuff she'll obsess about when anxiety kicks in. In my opinion, exes shouldn't be that much of a big deal in relationships. They should be barely mentioned.

 

 

 

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

 so the idea that new people should be kept away from children for X amount of time ("until you're sure") seems to me like this weird construct

Your view is fine and reasonable. To be fair to TB many folks don't do it this way from what I understand. I know I've seen not introducing kids to new BFs/GFs until 6 months or later recommended on this site more than once.

[dramallama]

I want to share something with you that happened today as I empathise with your girlfriend @Trail Blazer

So for context, this week on the way to an interview a man stopped me in the street to ask me for dinner, I got the job which is a huge promotion and the kind of role where my appointment will be in the national media, Friday I had a haircut that my hairdresser has made go viral on social media so I'm basking in adulation, and last night I hosted my best friend's 40th so I'm full of the warmth and love of friends. 

 

Life is f*king tip top!!!

 

So after my guy called this morning, I went on Instagram cos I wanted to see his face (aww). Oh - his follower count has gone down. Click. Scroll.

 

Omg it is HER that has gone. She that I've had such a sense about that I've stalked to see she started liking his pics about 3 months before we met. He likes her selfies and her kid pics. He's liked a handful of my pics in 6 months. Perhaps she's just a friend, I told myself. But I just had this feeling about her, and now she is gone, they are not following each other, I win, hurrah.

It is irrational ridiculous nonsense and I am much better than this, but that is how it is  

[SincereOnlineGuy]

On 2/25/2020 at 6:10 PM, Trail Blazer said:

 

Then she went on to say, "I'm sorry, but I just have to put it out there.  J, and your ex, V, are really pretty.  I don't think I'm as pretty as they are.  I am definitely not on their level."

The reality is that my girlfriend is actually gorgeous.  She's a stunning lady and, objectively, every bit as pretty, beautiful or whatever, as cutest girls I've ever dated.  And, I told her that.  I assured her that not only do I find her extremely attractive physically, but I love her personality as well.

My girlfriend, being the highly educated, extremely intelligent woman that she is, told me that she knows I am a very genuine person and absolutely believes me that I'm not just telling her what I think she might want to hear to placate her, but that what I'm saying is genuine.  Her response was to say, "I know I'm being a little ridiculous, maybe.  I guess it's just a female insecurity thing creeping in."

The second instance I observed was last week, when we were driving back home from a night on the town.  She was driving, which is not all that common, as I like to drive and she's more comfortable being the passanger.

A few times I politely suggested she get into a different lane, which would be quicker.  I'll admit that I'm a sometimes impatient driver who likes to cut through traffic, but not to the point where I'm cutting people off or driving dangerously.  My girlfriend likes to plod along, just concentrating on where she's going, rather than getting there in the most efficent manner.

On our way home she missed a turnoff, and I looked at her with a raised eyebrow, whilst saying in jest, "taking the scening route home, are we?"  She said, "I don't normally drive like this.  I don't know what come over me lately.  I'm a bit tired, but I'm also feeling anxious with you in the car."  I told her that if she misses a turnoff, I don't care - I'm just ribbing her in fun!  She said, "Oh, I know!  You're too patient and polite to get mad at me, but even when you're just sitting there I keep thinking you're silently judging me."

 

 

I think that especially attractive people (are reminded of it) SO often that they just dwell on having to keep up...   as if they'll be measured by it morning, noon and night.

 

(so don't worry about that part)

 

 

There is NO reason for the driving correction...   it's just pointless...  WHO CARES how long it takes to get there?

 

(someone I know delights at the opportunity to make a 20 mile freeway trip without needing to ever change lanes  (going through the heart of a large city, FYI - not the (former) Montana-bahn) )

 

Otherwise, I just don't see true evidence relating to her insecurity.

[Trail Blazer]

22 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

I do have children from my previous marriage, and they met my new husband before he and I ever dated or hooked up or got involved in any way beyond being acquaintances (though they never witnessed us sleeping together or anything that would suggest that, until we actually moved in together). It's a very normal thing that happens when you meet people organically - so the idea that new people should be kept away from children for X amount of time ("until you're sure") seems to me like this weird construct by which every child in the modern world will always know that any partner their parent introduces them to - they've already been banging for god knows how long. So justifying keeping a foot out the door as somehow "sparing" your child something... yeah, I dunno. Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

Well, your situation was different if your kids already knew him prior.  I just think it's ridiculous to conflate my decision to wait some time before introducing my girlfriend to my kids as behavior which could make her feel insecure.  It has nothing to do with a lack of commitment on my part.  They're mutually exclusive concepts.

 

[Trail Blazer]

21 hours ago, Morello said:

It surprises me a bit that you think women think as logically as men do.

I know that most don't.  This one is a very smart cookie, so I sometimes forget that her logic might get thrown out the window when her "female insecurities" (her own words) creep in.

[Trail Blazer]

9 hours ago, dramallama said:

I want to share something with you that happened today as I empathise with your girlfriend @Trail Blazer

So for context, this week on the way to an interview a man stopped me in the street to ask me for dinner, I got the job which is a huge promotion and the kind of role where my appointment will be in the national media, Friday I had a haircut that my hairdresser has made go viral on social media so I'm basking in adulation, and last night I hosted my best friend's 40th so I'm full of the warmth and love of friends. 

 

Life is f*king tip top!!!

 

So after my guy called this morning, I went on Instagram cos I wanted to see his face (aww). Oh - his follower count has gone down. Click. Scroll.

 

Omg it is HER that has gone. She that I've had such a sense about that I've stalked to see she started liking his pics about 3 months before we met. He likes her selfies and her kid pics. He's liked a handful of my pics in 6 months. Perhaps she's just a friend, I told myself. But I just had this feeling about her, and now she is gone, they are not following each other, I win, hurrah.

It is irrational ridiculous nonsense and I am much better than this, but that is how it is  

You're suggesting that if I quietly unfollow a handful of girls and say nothing, she will notice because she has a compulsion to continually stalk them?

If I'm reading this right, then I find it so bizarre.  I mean, I did check out her two exes' FB accounts, once.  I mean, she still has photos with them dating back a few years ago, so it was somewhat unavoidable seeing them as I scrolled through her FB pics when we first added each other.

After a quick peruse, I have never looked again, never had any desire to look again.  I felt nothing.  Like looking out of your bedroom window in the morning to see what the weather is doing, it was nothing more than a momentary observation before carrying on with my day.

[Trail Blazer]

2 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

Otherwise, I just don't see true evidence relating to her insecurity.

Most certainly one of the factors causing her insecurity was the issue with my old buddies and my second date.  I called into my old work on Friday as I was in the area and still have a lot of friends there.  I had not caught up with my buddies since that night.  It was slightly awkward, but we had a bit of a chat.  One suggested we catch up for a drink as I was leaving.  None of them mentioned anything of that night, or even asked me if I'm still with her.

Just as that fateful night caused her to feel like she'd been the reason for a wedge to be driven between my buddies and I, last night's dinner party went fantastically well.  My girlfriend got along well with everyone.  My close friend's fiance and her got on like a house on fire.  They all told me later on that night how much they liked her.

It was a fantastic night, and hopefully one that will help her feel more secure in the long run.

[Kitty Tantrum]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

Well, your situation was different if your kids already knew him prior.  I just think it's ridiculous to conflate my decision to wait some time before introducing my girlfriend to my kids as behavior which could make her feel insecure.  It has nothing to do with a lack of commitment on my part.  They're mutually exclusive concepts.

In YOUR head they're "mutually exclusive" and different (I question the use of "mutually exclusive" in this context, as I do not believe that is correct, but I still get the gist of what you're saying). You have no idea how your behavior is perceived by others based on their own experiential bias.

I'm telling you that I'm supposing that she very likely has a lot of valid reasons to feel insecure - that's the bottom line. Whether you have to stop doing XYZ, or whether she needs to "get over it," or whether you two need to meet somewhere in the middle (my money's usually on the latter) for the relationship to be harmonious (if indeed it can be long-term) is a whole 'nother ball of wax - but your "logical" argumentation that her FEELINGS are somehow erroneous because of this intricate rational basis that literally only you are even aware of until you open your mouth (or uh, type with your fingers) and explain it... well, there's your hamster wheel, like I said. It kind of smells like it all comes down to you wanting to be a little bit.. mmm... self-indulgent, for the sake of you ego, and wanting to argue-away the consequences of that.

I'm not one who allows "feelings" to drive decision-making, and I never have been. But I HAVE learned that they are IMPORTANT, and that if you're not willing to afford them the proper consideration and care, that lack of consideration can and often does irreparably damage relationships.

[Trail Blazer]

25 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

In YOUR head they're "mutually exclusive" and different (I question the use of "mutually exclusive" in this context, as I do not believe that is correct, but I still get the gist of what you're saying). You have no idea how your behavior is perceived by others based on their own experiential bias.

I'm telling you that I'm supposing that she very likely has a lot of valid reasons to feel insecure - that's the bottom line. Whether you have to stop doing XYZ, or whether she needs to "get over it," or whether you two need to meet somewhere in the middle (my money's usually on the latter) for the relationship to be harmonious (if indeed it can be long-term) is a whole 'nother ball of wax - but your "logical" argumentation that her FEELINGS are somehow erroneous because of this intricate rational basis that literally only you are even aware of until you open your mouth (or uh, type with your fingers) and explain it... well, there's your hamster wheel, like I said. It kind of smells like it all comes down to you wanting to be a little bit.. mmm... self-indulgent, for the sake of you ego, and wanting to argue-away the consequences of that.

I'm not one who allows "feelings" to drive decision-making, and I never have been. But I HAVE learned that they are IMPORTANT, and that if you're not willing to afford them the proper consideration and care, that lack of consideration can and often does irreparably damage relationships.

At the end of the day it is a non-issue.  My girlfriend is in no rush to meet my kids and understands why I'm in no rush to introduce her to them.  I've highlighted the instances where I've felt she's been made to feel insecure but not meeting my kids isn't one of them.

[Ruby Slippers]

On 2/27/2020 at 6:09 PM, RecentChange said:

It would make me very uncomfortable if the guy I wanted to get serious about had the women he dated before me still connected on his social media. 

Same. As I said before, it's so teenagery. It's very unlikely I'd get serious with a man who kept his little black book wide open on social media. 

Edited March 2, 2020 by Ruby Slippers

[Miss Spider]

“Birds of a feather” though... his gf is doing the same thing 

[Trail Blazer]

I'm curious to know what the consensus is around this; As soon as you break up with someone, does all evidence of their existence get removed, including unfriending/unfollowing?

If you were in a relationship with someone for 10+ years, would you trawl through a decade's worth of content you posted/were tagged in etc. just to remove any and all trace of them?  That seems pretty extreme to me.

[Piddy]

24 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

I'm curious to know what the consensus is around this; As soon as you break up with someone, does all evidence of their existence get removed, including unfriending/unfollowing?

If you were in a relationship with someone for 10+ years, would you trawl through a decade's worth of content you posted/were tagged in etc. just to remove any and all trace of them?  That seems pretty extreme to me.

Back in my day there was no social media, so therefore no unfriending or / unfollowing.  Once we broke up that was it, we moved on.  I still have a huge framed picture of me playing high school basketball that my girlfriend gave me though.

  I kept that and it hangs on a wall right now in a back bedroom.  I don't have a placard next to it saying given to me by Patty my high school girlfriend though.  She kept the hope chest I gave her and may still have it for all I know.  So a few things that mean something seems to be OK I suppose.  

In my day the equivalent of keeping years of social media content would be to keep a scrap book of you being together for 10 years with photos etc..  No new love interest is going to like seeing that kind of stuff. 

Back then you'd put stuff like that in an attic or buried in a closet where it would stay hidden for years.  Maybe bring it out in your old age when you write your memoirs or autobiography.  

Other than that keep the past in the past and away from any new love interest.    That's my take........

Edited March 3, 2020 by Piddy

[Backinthesaddleagain]

I've read through all 4 pages of this. Trail Blazer, if you are really in your 30s, you are either very naive, or you are an a**h***. There were multiple things you said that made me cringe throughout, but the worst was "I just have to know when to treat her like a woman, and when to treat her equally". You may not even realize how misogynistic you are coming off, but seriously bro... And I like a**h*** insult comics like Anthony Jeselnik. If you truly cared about this girl like you claim, you would sit down and have a conversation about this and fix it. Not a sheepish conversation that goes in circles without any resolution. You know she has mild depression, and you know she has creeped on your social media and is insecure about it. Your choice is to fix things now, or continue doing what you are doing and watch as the relationship slowly disintegrates. I guess it all comes down to how important those past FWBs, etc really are.

Good luck sir.

[Acacia98]

I actually feel sorry for TrailBlazer. It's not that I think he's completely perfect and his girlfriend is wrong. It's that many of y'all are reading your own stuff into his posts and ascribing some very strange motivations to him.

On the issue of remaining connected to exes on Facebook, look, if you're going to delete everyone from your past from your social media, then I'm of the opinion that your significant other should too. And that should come about as a result of a discussion in which you both agree that that's the best thing for your relationship. These one-sided solutions that have one person bending over backwards to accommodate the other's insecurities while the other just does whatever he or she wants create new problems.

If only one of you has exes on social media and the other doesn't on principle, then I think it's fine to unilaterally decide to excise your exes from your friend list.

Alternatively, maybe having different opinions over whether to remain friends with exes is a compatibility issue and people should just look for partners who have similar philosophies on the subject.

As for not introducing your girlfriend or boyfriend to your kids too soon, that is perfectly okay. It's the responsible thing to do. But you should be forthcoming about that before you have her come over, not after she spends the night. It can sting if you have one set of expectations and the other person hits you with another set after sex. It can feel like a bait and switch.

The teasing/ribbing thing can be an issue. If she doesn't like it, don't do it to her. But you should also be thinking about the extent to which it is realistic to change yourself and suppress your personality to accommodate another person. Sometimes it is better to admit that you are incompatible and to look for some who gets and shares your sense of humor.

As for the stuff about men being logical and women not being logical, that's nonsense. Every man and woman has moments where they're perfectly rational and others where they are emotional and/or insecure. The idea that you need to have a theory that will explain all men or all women is also nonsense. Women are not all the same. Men are not all the same. Just focus on trying to understand the specific one you are with.

At the end of the day, though, TrailBlazer, you and your lady need to talk to each other. Listening to us and our multiple theories may just end up making things worse between you and her. We don't know all the pertinent facts. Heck, you may even be misreading her. So go back to her and thrash this matter out. The ability to communicate about and solve your problems together is one important test of your compatibility. 

[Ruby Slippers]

13 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I'm curious to know what the consensus is around this; As soon as you break up with someone, does all evidence of their existence get removed, including unfriending/unfollowing?

If you were in a relationship with someone for 10+ years, would you trawl through a decade's worth of content you posted/were tagged in etc. just to remove any and all trace of them?  That seems pretty extreme to me.

I don't do social media anymore except for LinkedIn for my professional life. When I did do social media, yes, I immediately unfriended/unfollowed anyone when we broke up. I didn't go back to old content and make changes, just stopped any communication moving forward.

I agree that since your girlfriend also maintains connections with exes, you're on the same page. But you might want to consider a different approach, given that it's creating all this negativity in your relationship. You have nothing to gain from maintaining connections with exes, but a whole lot to gain from focusing on this one. 

[Gaeta]

13 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

As soon as you break up with someone

If you were in a relationship with someone for 10+ years

But it's not the issue here. You are following hot girls you have no long history with or barely any history with. You are putting up such a big fight just to keep some random hot women you interacted with a few times. 

[Gaeta]

On 2/25/2020 at 9:10 PM, Trail Blazer said:

Now, it's fair to say that in the six months between breaking up with my ex-girlfriend and my first date with my current girlfriend, I went on a lot of dates and had a couple of flings, including an FWB type arrangement. Many of the girls I went on dates with, even multiple dates, before we decided that we don't see a romantic future together, are girls who have decided to follow me on social media and vice versa.

Those are not exs to you. They are nobodies, why do put up such a big fight to keep them on your social media? 

This has nothing to do with keeping an ex of several years on your contact list. 

Edited March 3, 2020 by Gaeta

[Miss Spider]

Don’t  have a great deal of sympathy for the gf being in this situation. First, she’s doing the same thing. Second, what did she expect when she got serious with a guy who keeps a bunch of women they’ve said hi to a dating app or had a fling with with on their social media?If she is prone to these kind of insecurities, don’t date men with a bunch of thirst trappers on their insta. Last, don’t like the sexist comment she made. Not true at all. 

Edited March 3, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Kitty Tantrum]

15 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

I'm curious to know what the consensus is around this; As soon as you break up with someone, does all evidence of their existence get removed, including unfriending/unfollowing?

If you were in a relationship with someone for 10+ years, would you trawl through a decade's worth of content you posted/were tagged in etc. just to remove any and all trace of them?  That seems pretty extreme to me.

My ex-husband is the ONLY "former anything" I keep on social media. I've known him since I was 13, we were married (at least on paper) for nine years, and we have two children together (as well as me still being best friends with his sister). I have DEFINITELY gone back and edited/removed or changed privacy settings on some old posts/pictures that include him, though.

But how many of these women who are causing "jealousy blips" (as I'd call them), by being present in your social media environment for your current girlfriend to see, are former RELATIONSHIPS of 10+ years?? The way you've put it, it sounds like these women are pretty much nothing to you anymore and you're just keeping them around because it makes you feel good in some way - either because their attention feeds your ego, or because it feeds your ego to take the stance of "my girlfriend can't tell me who to not be friends with."

*shrug*

You can't compare a FLING or FWB to someone with whom you have a long, serious relationship history and pretend that the same exact standards ought to apply.

My ex-boyfriend used to send me to bars to hook up with random dudes because he liked that. One of those dudes was actually (refreshingly) really nice and fun to spend time with and I saw him a small handful of times. Should I have HIM following me around on social media for my husband to see - and insist that because I'm not banging him NOW, that accepting attention from him (which will always in some way maintain a mental association to the physical intimacy we shared) should be totally okay?

I mean, like we've all said: your girlfriend is keeping other dudes on her social media, so it's arguably "fair game" - but the bottom line is that BOTH OF YOU doing something that undermines your relationship isn't going to cancel each other out and make it somehow healthy and sustainable.

[dramallama]

On 3/1/2020 at 11:17 PM, Trail Blazer said:

You're suggesting that if I quietly unfollow a handful of girls and say nothing, she will notice because she has a compulsion to continually stalk them?

If I'm reading this right, then I find it so bizarre.  

Yes, because she has anxiety. I'm not saying she will be on there daily and if you don't post much there's far less reason to, but it's certainly likely that in anxious moments she may look again and again, yes.

That's why I liked that my guy has culled his list of his own accord. He posts a lot so I see the 'usual suspects' liking and commenting. He's got rid of another 4 since Sunday. I suspect he's clearing out any of the women he's spoken to since we met who might react / have an opinion when he makes us "social media official". I know he was entertaining conversations (but didn't actually meet up with anyone else) for the first 3 months until we had a deep and meaningful- as was I. That's dating- but we're moving forward and making each other more more of a priority over time.

I've never expressed any opinions about social media to him but I've told him when I'm feeling anxious/insecure and some of the triggers. He takes it all on board and adjusts his behaviour accordingly. It feels good to me!