My girlfriend is becoming increasingly insecure around me

[Gaeta]

5 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

The rest of them I have no feelings for and nor do they have for me. 

One girl I went on one date and knew that there was no chemistry.  However, she was a great chick who loves sports, is funny and can banter. 

Why do you need to keep those on your social media at all? They are nobody to you. 

Also I understand you don't want your children to know you're dating yet, but you're afraid their mother would know? Why? 

So now not only your girlfriend has to deal with your ex ONS on your social media but she has to be kept a secret. 

You're mentionning she has exs on her social media, if they are real exs, people she had long term relationships with then I find that more acceptable than a bunch of ons.

[BaileyB]

I dated a guy once who liked to post photos of himself with women - beautiful, sexy women. It wasn’t the reason I dumped him, but it really annoyed me. To me, he was broadcasting his insecurity and that was very unappealing. 

[elaine567]

And you wonder why she is insecure?
If my "exclusive " bf was shooing me out of his house the next day and chastising me for leaving any trace of my existence at his place I would be a bit insecure too.
Add in a "harem" then my "insecurity" would be telling me he was a player...
You are acting shady and her gut is telling her that.
She is not you, you KNOW you are not fooling around, she doesn't.
She hears your words but your actions don't match up
People in general don't like being treated like they are someone's else's dirty little secret
If your kids/wife can't handle it then that is NOT your gf's fault
She deserves to be treated with respect.
If your personal situation is so messy you can't do that, then stop dating single women who want a proper out in the open relationship with you.
She leaves her stuff in the hope that you are going to say,
"Who cares? You can pick them up the next time you come, I'll put your dress in MY wardrobe and your watch/earrings in MY drawer... no big deal."
 

Edited February 29, 2020 by elaine567

[FMW]

8 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

Treat women the same as a dude, you're an a-hole.  Treat them different, you're an a-hole.  There's really no winning.  I've just learnt that you've got to know when to treat them like women, and when to treat them equally.

It's not rocket science.  In the work place, treat us equally.  In romantic/sexual relationships, treat us differently - we will treat you like a man and you treat us like a woman.  Women and men and different creatures - we women also sometimes have to figure out how to deal with men so as to not make them feel emasculated or smothered.  The trick is paying attention to what your specific partner says and how they react.  Not really that difficult if you take the time.   

Edited February 29, 2020 by FMW

[Miss Spider]

OP, you seem a little pleased to have this reaction from her with the way you are speaking about it, spurring it on, and doing nothing to rectify it, even though it would be quite simple. It might make you feel more wanted and like you have a leg up on her with this dynamic. I  think guys who like to make their girls  jealous/insecure are actually the insecure ones and boost their confidence by playing that game. You seem a little old to be playing games. Hope it’s not the case. 

[Kitty Tantrum]

So you maintain your attachments and avenues of communication with your past flings AND you keep this current girl a secret from the people most significant to you.

GEE I WONDER WHY SHE IS FEELING INSECURE. I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE.

[preraph]

I liked how Trail Blazer used the term "friend culls."  I realize how lucky I was in a way that a lot of the guys I dated all were acquaintances were each other and just knew that there was no way to avoid them.  Only had one get a little prickly once and it was barely a relationship yet and didn't last, though I didn't cull him either.  At the time, it just seemed like a burden, such a tangled vine, everyone knowing each other, and every time you did something, it was like throwing a rock in a pond and seemed to affect everyone some way.  But at least I didn't have to do friend culls!

[Kitty Tantrum]

@Trail Blazer - are you familiar with the term hamstering? Hamsterization? Spinning the hamster wheel?

You're spinning your wheel preeeeetty hard right now.

"It should be okay because [set of rationalizations and self-delusions that fall apart under the weight of actual reality]."

Edited February 29, 2020 by Kitty Tantrum

[Trail Blazer]

7 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Why do you need to keep those on your social media at all? They are nobody to you. 

Also I understand you don't want your children to know you're dating yet, but you're afraid their mother would know? Why? 

So now not only your girlfriend has to deal with your ex ONS on your social media but she has to be kept a secret. 

You're mentionning she has exs on her social media, if they are real exs, people she had long term relationships with then I find that more acceptable than a bunch of ons.

I'm not "afraid" of my kids' mother knowing I'm dating at all.  I'm just not inclined to tell her stuff that isn't any of her business, until I deem it the right time to tell her.

Understand the context of the time - it was after the first time she had stayed over.  How am I supposed to know we're going to last?  I just like to be certain before telling certain people.

On the flipside, I've introduced her to many of my friends, some very early on.  She's about to meet a whole lot more of them this evening as we're heading to a dinner party at my friend's place.

[Trail Blazer]

7 hours ago, BaileyB said:

I dated a guy once who liked to post photos of himself with women - beautiful, sexy women. It wasn’t the reason I dumped him, but it really annoyed me. To me, he was broadcasting his insecurity and that was very unappealing. 

Okay... but that situation bares no resemblance with mine.  The only photos I have on social media are of myself and my ex-girlfriend, posted at a time when we were together.

[Trail Blazer]

7 hours ago, elaine567 said:

And you wonder why she is insecure?
If my "exclusive " bf was shooing me out of his house the next day and chastising me for leaving any trace of my existence at his place I would be a bit insecure too.
Add in a "harem" then my "insecurity" would be telling me he was a player...
You are acting shady and her gut is telling her that.
She is not you, you KNOW you are not fooling around, she doesn't.
She hears your words but your actions don't match up
People in general don't like being treated like they are someone's else's dirty little secret
If your kids/wife can't handle it then that is NOT your gf's fault
She deserves to be treated with respect.
If your personal situation is so messy you can't do that, then stop dating single women who want a proper out in the open relationship with you.
She leaves her stuff in the hope that you are going to say,
"Who cares? You can pick them up the next time you come, I'll put your dress in MY wardrobe and your watch/earrings in MY drawer... no big deal."
 

That all seems a little twisted, elaine.  I've never "shooed" her out the house.  I've had to leave my house to pick up my children.  What do you suggest I do, introduce my kids to her after the third date?

I've explained to my girlfriend that it will take time before I introduce her to the kids.  My kids adored my ex-girlfriend and were sad when it ended.  I want to be certain of things before introducing them to my next girlfriend.  She understands and respects this.

In every other sense, our relationship is out in the open.  No, it's not "Facebook official" yet, but in every other sense, besides my young kids knowing, it is.  All my friends know, my mom who's interstate knows, all of her friends know.  To suggest that she feels like a "dirty little secret" is being grossly dramatic.

As for the clothes, she knows my stance.  "Who cares you can pick them up tomorrow" is more or less how I feel.  The photo of the thong I sent through Snapchat was clearly a joke.  Jeez! 

[mark clemson]

TB my friend, no woman (nor man) is perfect. I think you need to see (and accept) her for who she is.

If the former F buddies/GFs are making her insecure then drop them. If you will never see/be with these ladies again then it doesn't really matter. Sentiment only and not worth any disruption to what you have if you're planning to take this LTR. Save a screen shot or two in a password protected file if you must. You don't have to tell her about dropping them off social, let her notice herself if/when she ever does.

You were married. You know you have to make compromises sometimes. She's not asking you to shave your head or move to Alaska. Time to be flexible IMO...

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

  "Who cares you can pick them up tomorrow" is more or less how I feel.

Really????

8 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

So, anyway, when I'd mentioned it to my girlfriend she was very apologetic.  However, since then, she's left all sorts of things behind, accidentally.  From her wrist watch, to her thong to a pair of earrings - you name it, if it's something she's worn then she's probably left it behind at least once.

I'm not particularly bothered by it, but I have emphasized why I'd prefer that she didn't do it.  Each time I've informed her of something she's left behind, and each time she's apologized and called herself "stupid" or "I'm such an idiot".  I always try to make light of it.  For example, I took a photo of her thong and sent it to her on Snapchat with the caption: "I think I'd look really cute in this!"  She responded by saying, "OMG... again!  Kill me now!  I'm sooooo sorry!"

It obviously bothers you a lot, else why bring it up repeatedly?

[Trail Blazer]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

OP, you seem a little pleased to have this reaction from her with the way you are speaking about it, spurring it on, and doing nothing to rectify it, even though it would be quite simple. It might make you feel more wanted and like you have a leg up on her with this dynamic. I  think guys who like to make their girls  jealous/insecure are actually the insecure ones and boost their confidence by playing that game. You seem a little old to be playing games. Hope it’s not the case. 

I'm not playing any games at all!  I never for a second thought about it like you're suggesting.  I do acknowledge that to some degree, we all stalk a new partner's social media, to get a better understanding of them.  I've done it myself.  However, you're implying that I have carefully constructed some "web of jealousy" for her to fall into.

The only thing I'm guilty of is being quite liberal with whom I have on social media.  Whether it be someone worked with for only a few months over a decadr ago, to someone I dated a few times six months ago - if they've added me and I have no reason to feel like they've done anything to deserve removal from my social media, then I will not take that course of action.

I can honestly say that I never expected it to be this much of a problem as you girls are saying it is.  I appreciate the honest feedback, hence why I post here.  I really am very surprised, though.  I honestly had no idea just how insecure the average western female is about social media and the prevalence of any past their current partner may have.

[Gaeta]

6 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

The only thing I'm guilty of is being quite liberal with whom I have on social media.  Whether it be someone worked with for only a few months over a decadr ago, to someone I dated a few times six months ago - if they've added me and I have no reason to feel like they've done anything to deserve removal from my social media, then I will not take that course of action.

I am hearing me, me, me, me. 

[Trail Blazer]

10 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

TB my friend, no woman (nor man) is perfect. I think you need to see (and accept) her for who she is.

If the former F buddies/GFs are making her insecure then drop them. If you will never see/be with these ladies again then it doesn't really matter. Sentiment only and not worth any disruption to what you have if you're planning to take this LTR. Save a screen shot or two in a password protected file if you must. You don't have to tell her about dropping them off social, let her notice herself if/when she ever does.

You were married. You know you have to make compromises sometimes. She's not asking you to shave your head or move to Alaska. Time to be flexible IMO...

Oh yes, flexibility is a must.  However, she's never asked me to remove them.  She's never even implied that it was an issue she had with regards to any action, or lack thereof, on my part.

For mine, it seems like if the girls were (in her own mind) less attractive than her, there simply wouldn't be an issue at all.  If the principle isn't the issue for causing insecurity, then the level of attractiveness shouldn't have any bearing, either.

In my view, if someone can't honeslty say that the only issue they have is feeling like the ex is more attractive than them, then the issue is really their issue and their's only.  Conversely, if feeling like seeing an ex who's not as attractive to them increases their self-esteem, then it really has nothing to do with the principle.

I am happy to accept the reality that it has nothing to do with the principle (that I have these girls on social media) and has everything to do with the fact that they are attractive.  However, I'll also say that I couldn't have possibly been able to foretell that women, who I do no see as objectively more attractive than my girlfriend, would be seen as any different from her perspective - hence eliciting thoughts of insecurity.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

honestly had no idea just how insecure the average western female is about social media and the prevalence of any past their current partner may have.

Insecure or not, to me it's a matter of respect, and how you're suppose to handle yourself while in a relationship. My boyfriend doesn't care if I have exs or old ONS on my contact list as he trust me but there is none because I know how to handle myself, I know how to respect him and our relationship. 

[Trail Blazer]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Really????

It obviously bothers you a lot, else why bring it up repeatedly?

After the first time she stayed at my place, I had told her I wasn't ready to tell the kids I'm seeing someone new.  That's hardly unreasonable, wouldn't you agree?  Obviously, having to explain why there's a red dress left on my bed would not provide the scope with which to justify how it possibly be mine.

I have not "repeatedly brought it up" but I have repeatedly returned her items to her, because that's what you do when someone leaves their belongings behind - you return it to them. 

Where you think I've made a song and a dance about returning those items is where you'd be mistaken.  I've only done so in a jestful manner, or, on at least half of the occasions, just as matter of fact.  The Snapchat picture was an attempt at humor.  

[Trail Blazer]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Insecure or not, to me it's a matter of respect, and how you're suppose to handle yourself while in a relationship. My boyfriend doesn't care if I have exs or old ONS on my contact list as he trust me but there is none because I know how to handle myself, I know how to respect him and our relationship. 

So, now you're suggesting that anyone who has a trace of an ex on their social media contact list is disrespectful and doesn't know how to handle themselves?

Sorry, I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but I am trying to clarify your point.

[Trail Blazer]

13 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I am hearing me, me, me, me. 

Now you're just being silly.  I'm just trying to explain my thought process/rationalization.

[Miss Spider]

31 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

So, now you're suggesting that anyone who has a trace of an ex on their social media contact list is disrespectful and doesn't know how to handle themselves?

Sorry, I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but I am trying to clarify your point.

 We are talking about you and your gf here and  it is bothering your gf and making her feel insecure so what is the big deal about removing them? Relationships are about compromise so such an insignificant thing to make your gf feel more secure should be a 3pg discussion 

Edited February 29, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Kitty Tantrum]

I mean, to be fair, boinking a woman whom you don't want to bring around your kids yet says NOTHING more loudly than "I want to avail myself of your body for now, but I don't know if I want to keep you."

I mean SERIOUSLY.

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Trail Blazer said:

So, now you're suggesting that anyone who has a trace of an ex on their social media contact list is disrespectful and doesn't know how to handle themselves?

Sorry, I'm not trying to put words in your mouth, but I am trying to clarify your point.

No, let me explain. 

You have your real ex, the mother of your children and other women you dated or lived with in terms of years, not months. I see nothing wrong with having these people on your social media. I had my ex-husband and his wife as friends on my FB, as well as all of his siblings, neices and nephew. That is normal when you spent 15 years with someone. What I don't agree with are keeping on your social media ONS, FWB, and women you dated a couple of months. Those people never had any value to your life and never will so why prioritize them over your gf. Keeping ONS, FWB and the random hot girl on your social media is for single men, not men in relationships.

Edited March 1, 2020 by Gaeta

[Trail Blazer]

22 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

 We are talking about you and your gf here and  it is bothering your gf and making her feel insecure so what is the big deal about removing them? Relationships are about compromise so such an insignificant thing to make your gf feel more secure should be a 3pg discussion 

I'm trying to understand the logic before I act in a reactionary manner.  I am open to doing whatever is required to ensure a healthy relationship can continue to flourish.

What's pertinent here is that she herself has two exes with whom she not only has on social media, but in the case of the her most recent ex, still converses with from time to time.

I have no issue with her and her ex "checking in on one another" every so often.  To do so would signal massive insecurity on my part.  Hardly a turn on to have an insecure man, is it? 

When the tables are turned and it's the man in this situation, I'd have no doubt that at least some of the women posting here would say he's being jealous, controlling and extremely insecure if he wanted her to cease any and all contact henceforth.

The only difference here, is that I have a couple of girls, additionally to my ex, with whom I never even had sex with, that like/comment every so often, on some of my content.  And, of the girls (exes or otherwise), a couple of them happen to have a physical appearance which has seemingly made my girlfriend insecure.

I could not have logically foreseen this occuring.  If my girlfriend had deleted all evidence of any previous dating history, I might have had more reason to speculate that she, herself might have had an issue, if she's judging me by her own - for want of a better word - 'standards'.

However, it's purely down to how these girls look.  "I don't compare" and all that.  In my view, she absolutely compares because I think my girlfriend is very attractive.  Am I supposed to see into the future and somehow anticipate that she might compare herself negatively to girls who are objectively no more attractive than her?

 

[Trail Blazer]

20 minutes ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

I mean, to be fair, boinking a woman whom you don't want to bring around your kids yet says NOTHING more loudly than "I want to avail myself of your body for now, but I don't know if I want to keep you."

I mean SERIOUSLY.

Come on!  Really?  Do you have children?  What's your view on introducing children to a new partner?  Clearly you think it should be done after the first date. *sigh*

For what it's worth, I've explained to my girlfriend very early on that introducing a partner to my kids is something that will take time.  She understands and respects this.

My kids adored my ex-girlfriend.  I've got no doubt that they will like my girlfriend as well.  However, they were upset when my ex-girlfriend and I broke up.  I'm just being cautious for their sake.