My girlfriend is becoming increasingly insecure around me

[Trail Blazer]

I (35) have been dating my girlfriend (36) officially since our third date, which would make the date to be around late November.

I work away for three week periods and then return home for three weeks, where my girlfriend and I have been able to spend a lot of quality time together.

I personally couldn't be happier with how things are going.

There's been a hiccup along the way, where we went out after a date, met a few buddies of mine, and my girlfriend who had one too many glasses of red may have said a couple of things that raised some eyebrows.

In any case, that issue is behind us now (except for the fact that I haven't spoken with my buddies about that incident since).  That's a seperate story, however, I digress...

So, as couples do, my girlfriend and I have shared stories from our pasts, spoken of previous relationships and, since we met through OLD, some funny stories we have from dates as well.

Now, it's fair to say that in the six months between breaking up with my ex-girlfriend and my first date with my current girlfriend, I went on a lot of dates and had a couple of flings, including an FWB type arrangement.

Many of the girls I went on dates with, even multiple dates, before we decided that we don't see a romantic future together, are girls who have decided to follow me on social media and vice versa.

As is probably normal for everyone in this day and age, looking through a partner (or potential partner's) social media is par for the course.  My girlfriend (and myself to some degree) is no exception here.

In the last couple of weeks I've noticed that my girlfriend has been a little insecure around me.  It's just little stuff, but the things she's said and the nuances in her behavior I've picked up have made me slightly concerned.  How concerned I need to be - I'm unsure, but it's something that females are perhaps more qualified to comment.

A couple of instances where I can trace back to where this insecurity might stem from is when, having discussed a few girls I've dated and the accompanying funny story that surrounded the girls themselves, my girlfriend had put two and two together and said in a jestful tone, "Oh, is that J?  Sorry, I couldn't help but think it was her as I did creepily stalk her profile once." 

I confirmed that it was J who I'd been referring to.  My girlfriend said, "Oh, so I guess a lot of the girls you've dated follow you on Insta.  I gotta say, I can't blame them."  I just kind of shrugged, without confirming or denying.

Then she went on to say, "I'm sorry, but I just have to put it out there.  J, and your ex, V, are really pretty.  I don't think I'm as pretty as they are.  I am definitely not on their level."

The reality is that my girlfriend is actually gorgeous.  She's a stunning lady and, objectively, every bit as pretty, beautiful or whatever, as cutest girls I've ever dated.  And, I told her that.  I assured her that not only do I find her extremely attractive physically, but I love her personality as well.

My girlfriend, being the highly educated, extremely intelligent woman that she is, told me that she knows I am a very genuine person and absolutely believes me that I'm not just telling her what I think she might want to hear to placate her, but that what I'm saying is genuine.  Her response was to say, "I know I'm being a little ridiculous, maybe.  I guess it's just a female insecurity thing creeping in."

The second instance I observed was last week, when we were driving back home from a night on the town.  She was driving, which is not all that common, as I like to drive and she's more comfortable being the passanger.

A few times I politely suggested she get into a different lane, which would be quicker.  I'll admit that I'm a sometimes impatient driver who likes to cut through traffic, but not to the point where I'm cutting people off or driving dangerously.  My girlfriend likes to plod along, just concentrating on where she's going, rather than getting there in the most efficent manner.

On our way home she missed a turnoff, and I looked at her with a raised eyebrow, whilst saying in jest, "taking the scening route home, are we?"  She said, "I don't normally drive like this.  I don't know what come over me lately.  I'm a bit tired, but I'm also feeling anxious with you in the car."  I told her that if she misses a turnoff, I don't care - I'm just ribbing her in fun!  She said, "Oh, I know!  You're too patient and polite to get mad at me, but even when you're just sitting there I keep thinking you're silently judging me."

I tried to assure her I didn't care.  Perhaps I give off a vibe that I'm getting impatient with her driving, I don't know?  I don't think so, but I guess my jestfulness isn't consistent with the way I live the rest of my life - fast-paced.

Just in the last week, as a result of these instances, I have observed my girlfriend behaving in a way which seems like she's trying to appease me.  She's apologizing a lot, for little things.  She's apologizing for being tired and not being able to stay up with me.  Any mistake she makes, she apologizes before I say anything, almost as if to get in before I tease her about it.

I encourage her to rib me if I put my foot in it, make a gaff or whatever.  She says she will, bur hasn't.  I try to convey to her that I'm an extremely laid-back person who doesn't take life too seriously and just likes to have a laugh.  She hasn't disputed this - so I think my behavior has been pretty consitent with this notion, yet I seem to be making her insecure any way.

Another thing that has come up in the last couple of days is that this weekend a buddy of mine and his fiance are throwing a dinner party and my girlfriend and I have been invited.  My firend hasn't met her yet, but has heard about what happened the last time she met friends of mine, as he loosely knows those guys, too.

My girlfriend has been saying stuff like, "I won't embarass you this time, don't worry."  I assured her she hadn't embarrassed me and that it was a misunderstanding (on my friend's part).  She said wouldn't drink as much as last time so, "I won't be a problem."  I asked her not to stress as I believe everything will be fine and that my friends will like her.  She said, "I hope so."

I've mentioned before that my girlfriend has depression and is taking low-dose medication for this.  I don't know a lot about depression and whether it manifests into more anxiety-like behavior - or whether this is purely down to her personality more than anything else.

I believe I am a good boyfriend and I'm trying to make her feel as secure as possible in the relationship.  She is very happy in general, she assures me.  Everything else is very good.  Sex is amazing and very frequent.  I'm just hoping that this doesn't turn into something more pervasive - whereby her insecurity compounds and I have to be mindful of everything I say as to not upset her.

Thoughts?  Am I myself looking too much into it?  Or am I right to be aware, without being alarmed yet, that there's things here I need to observe and manage where required?

Edited February 26, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[ExpatInItaly]

What exactly happened when she met your friends that one night? It's obviously something that neither she nor your friends have forgotten. 

But onto the other issue at hand: You say you are laid-back and can take (and enjoy) some ribbing. While that may be true, it doesn't appear your girlfriend is the same way. I think your teasing is bothering her, but she doesn't have the stones to come out and say so. She doesn't sound very secure in general, so what you construe as playful ribbing is perceived as criticism by her. It doesn't make either of you right or wrong, but you're not reading each other well in these situations. I would try laying off on the banter and see if it makes any difference. She might, in turn, develop a greater sense of self-assurance and thus a thicker skin and more relaxed approach. 

Her social media stalking is her own problem. You can't change the way people look, and her insecurities about that are her own demons to confront.

[elaine567]

Discussing previous dates/gfs/flings/Fwbs may be seen as "fun", but for many it is not. It is a bad mistake usually. 
Unfortunately what has been said cannot be unsaid
Jealousy, insecurity, feelings of not being good enough, not matching up, tend to come into play... the deeper involved they get  the more it starts preying on their mind.
It is nonsense to think women do not care about their man's past, of course they do.
Now she is comparing herself to your exes, her self esteem has taken a bit of a hit.
Whatever you say now is moot, she knows about your harem, a harem that is still following you on Insta... 
She is not happy.

The ribbing - anyone with poorer self esteem is going to take "ribbing" to heart. She is anxious she is perhaps walking on eggshells around you.
Women in general tend to not like "ribbing" from the guy who is supposed to adore her and build her up. Leave the ribbing at work with guys who can take it. 
Again she isn't happy.

Your ex-gf V complained that she was tired all the time. You said at the start the sex was good and very frequent, but she then started to shut it down she couldn't keep up with you.
Now it seems you are having the same problem with this gf, she is already "tired"...
Again she isn't happy.

You are on the crest of a wave, but your gf doesn't' feel the same. She may love you but she is not happy.
You need to slow your life down, let her get some sleep, stop the ribbing and get rid of the "competition", else you will be in the same place you were with V.

[Blind-Sided]

From your story... it's both sides.  You are worried about the little stuff, and she is also.  BUT... with comments about how she drives... that could be a HUGE turn off to her. In that situation... either keep your mouth shut, or just offer to drive.

As far as an overall thought... you two are going to self destruct until one of you settle down. If her humor doesn't normally have good natured ribbing... then that needs to stop on your side, as she will see it as criticism. But that may come back as you get to know each other better. 

[Gaeta]

If she is important to you then stop the teasing and get rid of the exs following you. it's social media, it's not life, you pick which one is more important. 

[Ruby Slippers]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Whatever you say now is moot, she knows about your harem, a harem that is still following you on Insta... 

Yes. No offense, but a lot of people these days seem attached to their long string of exes and like to keep them in their orbit. For what? It's so teenagery. In my view, if you value your relationship, you keep your exes where they belong, in the past, off your social media, out of your thoughts, speech, and life.

There's no need to micromanage her driving. Close your mouth and let the driver drive. I'm sure she'll get you there just fine.

I get the impression you see yourself as a little above her and you enjoy this power position. That's never going to work. Elevate and celebrate her and things will get much better. Don't wait till she's demoralized and takes off to realize this.

[d0nnivain]

Stop focusing on it.  She knows there was an issue last time when she drank too much & she's embarrassed.  If you are over it never mention it again.  Treat her well & move along as though it never happened. 

Do you really need to remain connected to the women you dated briefly?  I would quietly unfriend them even though it's your GF's insecurity about her own looks that is making her nutty 

[Artdeco]

I’ve never liked teasing. To me, it’s just a passive-aggressive way of criticizing the other person.

And I’m not insecure. I just don’t find any humor in this kind of communication style. Maybe your GF is similar, and on top of it, given her mild depression and anxiety, she might be taking it to heart more than the average person, and taking it too personally. Being her BF, you should make her comfortable, not more insecure; I’m sure she’s doing the same for you, making you a priority.
 

Same applies to your insta followers. I understand it would be difficult and weird to delete them all, if there’s no bad blood between you. However, given your situation, I would do it anyways, if the relationship is important enough to you (I’m still connected to a few (very few) exes but it’s never caused any jealousy issues so I’ll leave it alone).

[Emery1623]

She sounds a lot like me... my guess is she is now starting to develop feelings for you which is causing her to feel more insecure right now and scared to get hurt. Be gentle and reassuring and, hopefully, she’ll realize you legitimately care about her and can settle into a more secure relationship. In my case at least I feel the insecurity tapers off as the relationship progresses.  There is sometimes a weird period between developing feelings and feeling safe within a new relationship. 

Edited February 26, 2020 by Emery1623

[Trail Blazer]

13 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

What exactly happened when she met your friends that one night? It's obviously something that neither she nor your friends have forgotten.

https://www.loveshack.org/forums/topic/589566-i-had-an-amazing-date-this-evening-but-now-i-wont-be-able-to-see-her-for-a-month/page/2/#comments

I posted about that particular incident on the thread above.  Page 2, near the bottom.

My girlfriend has set the tone with banter from day dot.  From her self-depricating humor, to witty exchanges with me regarding the kinds of people we observe in public who we find mutually irritating, it has always appeared as though she likes/can handle a joke.

Edited February 26, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[Miss Spider]

delete

Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[preraph]

I think a lot of anxious people are prone to depression.  Hope her problems aren't severe in that area.

 

So don't tell her how to drive at all.  All you did was make her very self-conscious and nervous driving with you in the car -- and that isn't safe.  Let her do her thing so she's comfy.  And tell her you shouldn't have ever told her how to drive and that it doesn't really bother you but it's just old habit.  That's right, lie! 

Most people are a little insecure, especially about exes and past people their partner has been sexual with or had an emotional affair with.  She doesn't sound over the top on that, honestly.  Sounds about normal on that.  She's tolerating the social media stuff.  It could be worse.  

 

You might want to block J just as a precaution since she's got her antennae up.  Either that or show her anything between you two.  

 

Is you being out of town making her anxious too?  It does some people.  Is your work dangerous?  Like oil rigs or oceangoing?  If so, does she know it's dangerous?  I guess that would make anyone anxious.  But really, lots of people, myself excluded, for some reason can't handle their mate being away.  If she is handling that part well, I would say she isn't THAT anxious and is fairly independent.  

 

It doesn't sound like a huge issue, especially since you are aware of it and trying to do the right thing.

[Trail Blazer]

10 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Discussing previous dates/gfs/flings/Fwbs may be seen as "fun", but for many it is not. It is a bad mistake usually. 
Unfortunately what has been said cannot be unsaid
Jealousy, insecurity, feelings of not being good enough, not matching up, tend to come into play... the deeper involved they get  the more it starts preying on their mind.
It is nonsense to think women do not care about their man's past, of course they do.
Now she is comparing herself to your exes, her self esteem has taken a bit of a hit.
Whatever you say now is moot, she knows about your harem, a harem that is still following you on Insta... 
She is not happy.

She's been as interested in knowing my past as I have been of hers.  I'm not going to shy away from my past if she's interested in knowing more about me.  Do you suggest I moderate what I share, within reason?

Logically I had no reason to think anything to do with my past would make her feel insecure.  It's not like she's punching way above her weight being with me!  Sure, I've dated some really cute girls, but she's as equally cute herself. *shrugs*

Your point about sleeping is valid.  'S' doesn't have children, so that is something.  However, she does have a demanding work and study schedules.  Being tired isn't just understandable, it's something I anticipated.  I did explain to S about that issue I observed in my previous relationship and was committed to ensuring it didn't happen again. 

There's been a couple of times where I'd go to bed with her for a cuddle, allow her to fall asleep and then get up and watch Netflix.  I told S what my plan was, and she told me how appreciative she was of my ability to be supportive and flexible.  However, once again she apologized, this time for "being an old nanna."

[Trail Blazer]

I don't get why everyone thinks having an ex or two following you on Instagram is a problem?  My girlfriend also has a couple of ex's that are followers.  How is it any different?  I'm just not insecure about them at all.  Why is it different for a woman than a man?

[Trail Blazer]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Stop focusing on it.  She knows there was an issue last time when she drank too much & she's embarrassed.  If you are over it never mention it again.  Treat her well & move along as though it never happened. 

Do you really need to remain connected to the women you dated briefly?  I would quietly unfriend them even though it's your GF's insecurity about her own looks that is making her nutty 

I'm not focusing on it, but it did come up when I told her that we've been invited to my friend's dinner party on the weekend.

I've tried to be reassuring about that night to her.  I'm not too impressed at a couple of my buddies who've distanced themselves from me since that night.

Maybe she feels bad about the fact that since that night, my friendship with a couple of them has become strained.  I know that she's pretty irritated by them because she's adamant they've at least partially made up what happened that night.

 

[Trail Blazer]

43 minutes ago, Emery1623 said:

She sounds a lot like me... my guess is she is now starting to develop feelings for you which is causing her to feel more insecure right now and scared to get hurt. Be gentle and reassuring and, hopefully, she’ll realize you legitimately care about her and can settle into a more secure relationship. In my case at least I feel the insecurity tapers off as the relationship progresses.  There is sometimes a weird period between developing feelings and feeling safe within a new relationship. 

This sounds about right.  She's definitely got feelings for me.  I don't actually think I've ever dated anyone who's had such feelings for me this early on.

I do really like her, a lot!  I am very happy and can see myself with her for a long time.  She's sweet, funny, intelligent and beautiful.  

I'm just trying to take it slow myself.  I've jumped into relationships head first in the past and fallen in love too soon, only to get burnt.  So, I am tempering my expectations and playing it with caution.

[Trail Blazer]

19 minutes ago, preraph said:

I think a lot of anxious people are prone to depression.  Hope her problems aren't severe in that area.

So don't tell her how to drive at all.  All you did was make her very self-conscious and nervous driving with you in the car -- and that isn't safe.  Let her do her thing so she's comfy.  And tell her you shouldn't have ever told her how to drive and that it doesn't really bother you but it's Is you being out of town making her anxious too?  It does some people.  Is your work dangerous?  Like oil rigs or oceangoing?  If so, does she know it's dangerous?  I guess that would make anyone anxious.  But really, lots of people, myself excluded, for some reason can't handle their mate being away.  If she is handling that part well, I would say she isn't THAT anxious and is fairly independent.  

It doesn't sound like a huge issue, especially since you are aware of it and trying to do the right thing.

Yes, I work on an oil rig.  Sure, it's a dangerous job.  My mom also worries about me when I'm working away.  As I've said to both of them, "If you put it into context, I'm more likely to die on the daily commute to a 9-5 job than I am out in the oil fields.

S seems to handle it okay.  She doesn't know life any different with me.  We went on our first date two nights before I flew out to work and we didn't see each other again until almost one month later.

She's a very independent person.  She does tell me how much she misses me when I'm away, but there's no hint of her struggling with it to any degree.  The only anxiety I've detected is her struggle with balancing final year veterinary science, work and making time to spend with me (which like I've mentioned I feel I've been supportive about).  

[Trail Blazer]

6 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said:

Yes. No offense, but a lot of people these days seem attached to their long string of exes and like to keep them in their orbit. For what? It's so teenagery. In my view, if you value your relationship, you keep your exes where they belong, in the past, off your social media, out of your thoughts, speech, and life.

There's no need to micromanage her driving. Close your mouth and let the driver drive. I'm sure she'll get you there just fine.

I get the impression you see yourself as a little above her and you enjoy this power position. That's never going to work. Elevate and celebrate her and things will get much better. Don't wait till she's demoralized and takes off to realize this.

I've never really thought about it like that.  I have exes, girls I briefly dated, girls I used to work with, all on my social media.  Why are they any different to friends, family etc.?  They're all just poeple.

My girlfriend has exes following her, too.  She's never hidden that, either.  How is it any different if she does it?  The fact that I'm not insecure about her exes doesn't make the situation any different.

Logically, would it not make her feel better about herself, the fact that I've dated a bunch of hot women, yet I chose her and not those other girls, to be in an exclusive relationship with?

I don't see myself as above her at all.  Quite the opppsite, in fact.  The British rock band James were on the money with their 1993 hit Laid; with the verse "she only comes when she's on top" quite apt in this scenario. *wink*

Edited February 26, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[elaine567]

12 minutes ago, Trail Blazer said:

Logically, would it not make her feel better about herself, the fact that I've dated a bunch of hot women, yet I chose her and not those other girls, to be in an exclusive relationship with?

People don't tend to think like that.
They think.
"For some reason it didn't work out with these hot women OR these hot women did not want you, so you have had to "make do" with me..."
or
"Plan A (them) did not work out so now you are on to Plan B(me)..."

Women tend to like being #1, the hottest, the sexiest, the  best..
A man can make a woman feel special and very sexy, even if objectively she isn't by bigging her up, adoring her  and making her feel great.
With superb self esteem, she may indeed turn out to be special and very sexy...
But your gf is being presented with your exes who she thinks/knows are hotter, sexier and to her mind obviously "better".
It  is not a good feeling...
Self esteem takes a dive.
Add to that your "ribbing", then she no doubt feels got at and "less than"

Men tend not to like exes who they perceive to be "better", they get insecure and jealous.
Women tend not to like exes who they perceive to be "better", they get insecure and jealous.

[Miss Spider]

Well said, Elaine

Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Trail Blazer]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

People don't tend to think like that.
They think.
"For some reason it didn't work out with these hot women OR these hot women did not want you, so you have had to "make do" with me..."
or
"Plan A (them) did not work out so now you are on to Plan B(me)..."

Women tend to like being #1, the hottest, the sexiest, the  best..
A man can make a woman feel special and very sexy, even if objectively she isn't by bigging her up, adoring her  and making her feel great.
With superb self esteem, she may indeed turn out to be special and very sexy...
But your gf is being presented with your exes who she thinks/knows are hotter, sexier and to her mind obviously "better".
It  is not a good feeling...
Self esteem takes a dive.
Add to that your "ribbing", then she no doubt feels got at and "less than"

Men tend not to like exes who they perceive to be "better", they get insecure and jealous.
Women tend not to like exes who they perceive to be "better", they get insecure and jealous.

Apart from a little bit of banter, which she's taken really well (because she does banter herself), the only issue has been exes on social media and my comment while driving.  I have otherwise done all of what you've said.

Here's the thing, she actually is as hot (or hotter) than some of my exes and I am very attracted to her.  I've told her that on many occasions (I've used the term beautiful more than anything).  I haven't just relied on 'logic' for her to come to that conclusion.

The things I do should leave her in no doubt as to how I feel.  I took her out to a very swanky restaurant in town for Valentine's Day.  She remarked how no guy has ever made such effort before to make her feel special like that.

What I don't understand is why, if she herself is acknowledging this, would she then feel like the way some random exes look like, should allow this to undermine her previous sentiments about my efforts to make her feel like she's special.

The only thing I can think of is that she thinks I'm going to bail on her down the track, or something?  So, she doesn't really trust me yet?  I'm a genuine and sincere guy and I'd like to think that my treatment of her conveys this.

Edited February 27, 2020 by Trail Blazer

[Gaeta]

16 hours ago, Trail Blazer said:

She's been as interested in knowing my past as I have been of hers.  I'm not going to shy away from my past if she's interested in knowing more about me.  Do you suggest I moderate what I share, within reason?

I suggest you just don't share details of your past. It's not because a gf ask you that you have to spill all the details. Any man asking me about my past I tell them I was married X years, then a relationship of X years. End of it. I am not showing them pictures of my exs, not telling him that my exs were hot, rich, good at this and good at that. Nothing! It's human nature to compare ourselves to exs. 

Sit with your gf and come to an agreement that you dump your exs following you and she dumps her exs. As simple as that. 

[Fletch Lives]

Well, it's a sad thing to say but people with mental issues (depression, others?) are sometimes not the best catches.

That said, stop talking about your ex's/previous dates, and stop criticizing her driving - it's controlling behavior.

[elaine567]

The only ex she needs to know about is your ex wife as you are a co parent.
That in itself was hard enough for V to stomach,  so adding in a load of "friendly" hot exes is too much for any woman to put up with.
I get it, it is a huge ego boost for you to display and keep around the pretty women who thought you sexy, and she should just be sooooo glad to have you, but that works for you, not her...

[Lotsgoingon]

I really counsel you NOT to try to figure out the origins or illogic of her insecurities. 

Your job is to notice them and actually say if they bother you. I don't think you can talk people out of insecurities. I don't think you can reassure people out of insecurities. 

Maybe once you reassure someone ... if they need more ... no ... they've got a problem. Once you start to try to "understand" why ... you're heading towards fixing them ... and getting close to denial ... and fantasy: if merely she did x or I did y, she would no longer be insecure.

Pay attention. Her insecurities are a red flag.