DrScientist812 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 First time posting, not sure how this all works. About 7 years ago I (29/M) met a girl I fell for super hard and she strung me along, used me, and eventually I found out she was engaged the entire time. This hurt me pretty badly to the point that I gave up on romance and just engaged in one night stands for a few years. I didn't want to get hurt again. Eventually I started "dating" people again, but never longer than a few months. I got into some "relationships" that I realize now I was only in just for the sake of having a relationship, and I couldn't give them the emotional reciprocity they were seeking. I know it's selfish of me, but that's just where I was. Which brings me to the story at hand. About 6 months ago I matched with this girl on Hinge. We spoke for a little bit, but never wound up seeing each other. At least not at first. After a few months we started texting semi-regularly. She's a chef from Peru, and we have many common interests like music, traveling, and generally the same worldview. She's passionate, driven, has a kind heart, she's not world weary or overly cynical, and she makes me laugh. It doesn't hurt that she's beautiful either. Eventually I got her out on a date and we hit it off. Nothing too fancy, just some drinks. A few weeks later we went out again, going on a walk in the park that night. We kissed, held hands, all that stuff, and I found myself falling for her. There was just one problem: she told me she was moving to Berlin to open up a restaurant with her boss/former coworker. Obviously that seems like a dealbreaker, but it just so happens I lived in Berlin for 2 years, went to school there. So instead of giving up on her I wrote her a little guide to help her get acquainted with the city and its customs, gave her some sites to check out, sent her some apartment hunting websites, etc. I never pretended like she wasn't leaving, but I guess in my f***ed up little mind I thought, given my ties to the city, we might be able to work something out. So last night we went out again, walked around, had some drinks. I asked her if I was going to see her again before she left and she told me she wasn't really looking for anything sentimental, that she had gotten out of a 3 year relationship with her ex last year and wasn't looking for anything. So, given that she was being honest with me, I was honest with her: I told her that I'd never met anyone like her before, that if she was going to any other city in the world I might not have brought it up, and that I was sure that she was going to achieve what she wanted in life more than anyone I've ever met. At this point she almost started crying, and she said was at a point where she was trying to learn how to be alone with herself before looking for a relationship, but she told me she thought I was really great and interesting, and she thanked me for never letting her feel stupid like her ex had made her feel and that she hoped we could still be friends because she found me really easy to talk to and I made her feel good, and that if I ever came back to Berlin she would want to see me. I didn't rule out the possibility of friendship in the future, but I told her I needed some space and that I couldn't see her again before she left, but I said that I didn't regret our time together and I wish her nothing but good things. She understood, so I walked her home and we kissed each other on the cheek before we said our goodbyes. That was last night, and though it doesn't hurt as bad as I'd feared it might I'm still feeling pretty s***ty. I deleted all my dating apps because I know I'm not going to be in any shape to date anyone for a while. She really was the girl of my dreams, and I'm not bitter about it, but that doesn't stop it hurting a bit. I guess if I got anything really great out of this it's that I learned that I could feel things I didn't know were possible, so maybe someday there's a chance I could feel it again? I dunno. Today's kind of a rough day. Anyway, that's my rant.
preraph Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 It sounds like you've only been out on a couple of dates with her, so I think you're going to get over her once you realize that you don't really know her that well to know she's your dream girl. At the beginning of a relationship when there's so much we don't know about the person, we tend to give them the benefit of the doubt and fill in the parts we don't know with our ideal woman in our head and project that onto her. so you may be in love with who you hope she was but you don't know her yet 2
Blind-Sided Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 short or long time with someone... when there is a connection... it's going to hurt a little. But as you said... the silver lining is that you can feel and love. I wish you peace moving forward. 1
rjc149 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 A girl you’ve been on a date or two with and have never been intimate with is not your dream girl OP. You project your fantasies and idealism on pretty women who will give you the time of day, and end up giving out your heart wayyyyy to easily. You don’t even know this girl!! You’ve never been naked and vulnerable with her after making love to her, you’ve never spent any real time with her. She’s a fantasy. A fantasy, from what you’ve written, does not reciprocate the attraction. I think you were a little bit too much of a nice guy and she got the clingy vibe. Guard your heart, and never barf out your feeling and emotions or do favors for a girl you just met. That’s a huge turn off. Get back in the game!
Author DrScientist812 Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 4 minutes ago, rjc149 said: A girl you’ve been on a date or two with and have never been intimate with is not your dream girl OP. You project your fantasies and idealism on pretty women who will give you the time of day, and end up giving out your heart wayyyyy to easily. You don’t even know this girl!! You’ve never been naked and vulnerable with her after making love to her, you’ve never spent any real time with her. She’s a fantasy. A fantasy, from what you’ve written, does not reciprocate the attraction. I think you were a little bit too much of a nice guy and she got the clingy vibe. Guard your heart, and never barf out your feeling and emotions or do favors for a girl you just met. That’s a huge turn off. Get back in the game! No. I'm done dating for a while.
rjc149 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 1 minute ago, DrScientist812 said: No. I'm done dating for a while. I think dating is always going to be difficult on your emotions. You have attachment trauma, my friend.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 Now you know how some of the women you gave the short end of the stick felt. 1
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) So you got disappointed again...doesn't mean you should curl into a ball and give up. Meeting her should inspire you to be hopeful to meet someone new. Edited February 25, 2020 by smackie9
Author DrScientist812 Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 6 minutes ago, smackie9 said: So you got disappointed again...doesn't mean you should curl into a ball and give up. Meeting her should inspire you to be hopeful to meet someone new. Eventually I'm sure, but not anytime soon.
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 The more negative you are the harder life will be for you. Take strides in being confident in yourself, dust yourself off and try again.
Author DrScientist812 Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 1 minute ago, smackie9 said: The more negative you are the harder life will be for you. Take strides in being confident in yourself, dust yourself off and try again. This just happened last night. I'm not being negative. A little perspective here.
rjc149 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 2 minutes ago, DrScientist812 said: This just happened last night. I'm not being negative. A little perspective here. I think the perspective here is that you had a few drinks with this girl. That’s it. Really not something you should be this depressed over. Attachment trauma. 1
SumGuy Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 Sounds thrilling but a little perspective; the operative word is dream. Or more precisely fantasy. You really don't know her or have spent much time with her to tell if she is the woman of your dreams. Certainly she appeared to have potential but most everything else you likely think about her was built by your imagination.
Foxhall Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 Seems like you were just unlucky with the timing on this buddy, Id still say its positive that you parted on positive terms, keep in contact with her but make sure you move on seeing other women. 1
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