falxmanolo Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) Hey guys! Story- I (late twenties) was introduced by mutual friends to a guy (33) early January. For the first 2 weeks, we only texted and finally met in the end of Jan. On meeting, he seemed charming, ticking most boxes and I couldn't find a reason to not see him again. Since our first meeting, he continues to text me but doesn't make concrete plans to meet. He suggests "lets grab a drink" ad hoc at the end of the long day (I'm already in bed by then) but doesn't take much initiative to actually pursue me. So my friends suggested I take control and I suggested to him we meet this Sunday and he goes like, he needs to spend time with his niece because she's growing up too fast and he thinks she will forget him (his exact words). He didn't give me alternate days and I have a hectic schedule too. We live in the same city, his work place is literally a 5-minute drive from my home. Question- 1. Is it time to say goodbye? 2. Is getting a drink even a date??! Why not dinners or an activity together? What's the general vibe at present? Edited February 25, 2020 by falxmanolo
Author falxmanolo Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 17 minutes ago, falxmanolo said: Hey guys! Story- I (late twenties) was introduced by mutual friends to a guy (33) early January. For the first 2 weeks, we only texted and finally met in the end of Jan. On meeting, he seemed charming, ticking most boxes and I couldn't find a reason to not see him again. Since our first meeting, he continues to text me but doesn't make concrete plans to meet. He suggests "lets grab a drink" ad hoc at the end of the long day (I'm already in bed by then) but doesn't take much initiative to actually pursue me. So my friends suggested I take control and I suggested to him we meet this Sunday and he goes like, he needs to spend time with his niece because she's growing up too fast and he thinks she will forget him (his exact words). He didn't give me alternate days and I have a hectic schedule too. We live in the same city, his work place is literally a 5-minute drive from my home. Question- 1. Is it time to say goodbye? 2. Is getting a drink even a date??! Why not dinners or an activity together? What's the general vibe at present? * 3. should I even reply to last message regarding Sunday niece plans
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 He's not interested in you romantically. You're doing yourself a disservice by thinking there's something you can say or do to change this. 5
chillii Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 l'm afraid yeah , he's just not very into it. And the niece thing was ridiculous , l'm sure she'd still be kid and around Next Sunday , yaknow. 3 1
ccas93 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 no, don't even reply to the message about Sunday niece plans. 1
Blind-Sided Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) Wellllllll....................... I have a few thoughts. 1) Since he is just asking for drinks late... that could be he just wants to get you intoxicated, and have it be "Evening" time. Easier to transition into something physical. BUT.... 2) Leaving it lose, and not a real commitment is kind of what you need at first. (as being the guy) If I say... "Lets go to xxx at 5pm on Thursday"... that's very easy to get shot down, as you may have commitments already. Opening it up to a less specific meeting lets you pic a time/place. I'm not a big drinker, and I would generally like to go to a coffee shop. But not all people are into that. and just like coffee... drinks are a low commitment outing for a first date. 3) I would respond... and kind of make this the last attempt. Tell him you really aren't a drinker, and would like to do something during the day. (lunch, or activity) And see how he responds. That makes the date less about the party... and more about the connection. Regardless... make one more suggestion that doesn't include alcohol, and night... and see what happens. If he shuts that down.... then move on. I wish you luck Edited February 25, 2020 by Blind-Sided
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) he's hoping you will take the hint he isn't interested. An interested man would have asked you out promptly, without excuse or hesitation. It's pretty obvious the guy is giving you the run around. Edited February 25, 2020 by smackie9 2
stillafool Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 I agree with Smackie about the "hint". He doesn't want to be direct and hurt your feelings because of the mutual friends. Plus I'm sure he thinks you're nice. 4
rjc149 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 1) Yep, cut bait. 2) Yes, going out for drinks is a date. IMO, the only good date. If the date goes well, it leads to dinner and maybe further than that. If the date doesn’t go well, it’s easy to eject tactfully since it’s a fairly low-commitment, low-expectation activity unlike planning something involved and elaborate like they do on reality TV. PS: If it’s up to you, schedule dates on weekend evenings, not on Sunday. That being said, if Sunday didn’t work for him but he was interested, he’s suggest a reschedule. 2
simpycurious Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 The lack of effort should be an instant sign that you are not a priority (sorry for being blunt). So, don't waste your time with this guy 4
Foxhall Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 not necessarily agreeing that he is completely not interested, you've turned down a few meet ups, so the niece story is "not being too available " for you either and he thinks the "niece" angle makes him sound like a good family man, might be wrong.
hippychick3 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 He’s totally uninterested. Don’t chase any man ever. Interested men enjoy the chase. Cut ties and move on. Do not even respond to him. 3
rjc149 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 2 hours ago, Foxhall said: not necessarily agreeing that he is completely not interested, you've turned down a few meet ups, so the niece story is "not being too available " for you either and he thinks the "niece" angle makes him sound like a good family man, might be wrong. If a guy is interested in seeing her, but wants to play coy and not be too available, he'll decline to appear busy and mysterious, but still suggest a reschedule.
Author falxmanolo Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 Update- I didn't respond to niece text & he never contacted me after that- it's been over 24 hours. Deleted his number, time to move on! I agree with most of you on if he wanted to pursue me he would have, at the very least, given me an alternate day of availability. But the fact that he left it hanging with his family-man image is so meh :( 4
Author falxmanolo Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 OH MY GOSH PEOPLE I JUST FOUND OUT THROUGH A MUTUAL FRIEND THAT THIS a**h*** HAS AN ON/OFF GF, WHO HE IS EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS MAKES ME FURIOUS! So furious at my friends for setting me up in the first place More furious at him for not having the decency to tell me straight up i feel hopeless. What is wrong with people?! Why are people so easily deceitful. I can’t believe I spent so much time analysing this liar who was clearly never emotionally invested in me, 1 1 1
d0nnivain Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 I get that you are upset that he has a GF & you feel jerked around. But he didn't really do anything except extend some lame half-a$$ed last minute offers to you about wanna grab a drink? He didn't ask you on a proper date. . .it was way more of a let's hang out friendly thing. You were hoping for a date & you were interested. LS told you to move along, that he wasn't interested. Reality -- he wasn't available & texting you was a nice distraction. Just break off communication & stop fretting. He's not worth your time or distress. 3
nospam99 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 @d0nni. I wasn't really following this topic but saw that you made a quick reply to OP's update. That got me to read your reply and to go back and read all of OP's posts on the topic. Thank you (again) for so often being a 'mature voice of reason'. Young women (and men) who have come to LS for wisdom in dealing with your dating dilemmas, be aware that (almost all the time) d0nnivain is Rafiki. 1
stillafool Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 On 2/25/2020 at 12:42 AM, falxmanolo said: Quote On meeting, he seemed charming, ticking most boxes and I couldn't find a reason to not see him again. ^^^When you said this Quote Since our first meeting, he continues to text me but doesn't make concrete plans to meet. He suggests "lets grab a drink" ad hoc at the end of the long day (I'm already in bed by then) but doesn't take much initiative to actually pursue me. This should have been your reason.
Watercolors Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 faxmanolo - Well you need new friends then? Any guy who spends that amount of time texting before meeting is not interested. men who want to meet you don't make excuses unless they have a hidden agenda (like, an on/off girlfriend). Don't attach your self-worth to ANY guy, feeling hopeless. Never ever do that. Use this as an opportunity to set up some standards for yourself about how long you're willing to wait to meet in person.
Watercolors Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 On 2/24/2020 at 11:42 PM, falxmanolo said: Since our first meeting, he continues to text me but doesn't make concrete plans to meet. Use this as your standard moving forward. If a guy pulls that stunt with you again, delete him because you know he's just wasting your time otherwise.
vla1120 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, falxmanolo said: OH MY GOSH PEOPLE I JUST FOUND OUT THROUGH A MUTUAL FRIEND THAT THIS a**h*** HAS AN ON/OFF GF, WHO HE IS EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS MAKES ME FURIOUS! So furious at my friends for setting me up in the first place More furious at him for not having the decency to tell me straight up i feel hopeless. What is wrong with people?! Why are people so easily deceitful. I can’t believe I spent so much time analyzing this liar who was clearly never emotionally invested in me, Don't feel hopeless. You'll find someone better! When I saw this, I just had to respond and tell you about the man my friends set me up with (and I'm much older than you!) A married couple I've been friends with for decades set me up with a "doctor friend" of theirs. We met once for coffee (our friends were with us.) Before I agreed to go out with him again, I decided to do the same background check I do on all the men I agree to meet alone (because, #1 - you never know, #2 - I was almost scammed out of money about 6 years ago by a "very nice guy.") Anyways, I did a background check, he's a registered sex offender, spent time in jail, and lost his license to practice because he assaulted women in his office!!! Supposedly my friends had no idea, but wow. At least you got out of this unscathed! That's the good news. Edited February 26, 2020 by vla1120 2
smackie9 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) Stupidly your friends thought that if he meet someone new he would forget about that girl. AND it's possible he wasn't seeing her, told everyone he was done for good, so they stepped in to help him move on. That's why matchmaking is never a good idea. Edited February 26, 2020 by smackie9 1
BrennaR Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 I find it's good to have one or two phone conversations at early dating. Texting is good to set up a time and date, but you're not going to get these details. It would have probably saved you a couple weeks if you had just called him and spoken on the phone.
BrennaR Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 Why are people so deceitful? In their minds they are only protecting themselves. And they like the attention.
Uptown182 Posted February 27, 2020 Posted February 27, 2020 (edited) Sounds like he’s not that into you and is probably just looking for a FWB type thing. His excuse for not meeting up with you Sunday sounds like bs to me, I understand if it was his daughter, but his niece? Give me a break! Oops sorry just read read the whole thread, idk why you’re friends would set you up with someone who already is invested in someone else, sounds like they were looking out more for him than you. At least you found out the truth and now you can move on Edited February 27, 2020 by Uptown182
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