lonelyplanetmoon Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 After 9 months of being single and working on myself I finally decided to put up a profile on match. I did get a fair number of interest but only agreed to one date so far. After one date he is texting every day. He seems very keen and I don’t want to hurt him as he is a good guy. I am still shaky as far as being really ready for a serious relationship. I don’t feel like I am 100% available emotionally. I am prob 50%? 60? I just want to go out on a couple/ three nice dates with diff guys and have fun. I only signed up for a month. I did agree to a second date. Should I just go on the second date and see if I feel any different? Or should I let him go now? Help? How do you get to be emotionally available again?
Uptown182 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 I’d say go out with him again and maybe tell him you aren’t looking for anything serious just yet. Sounds like you just need time and to maybe date around a bit. But as long as he hasn’t stated to you that he’s looking for something serious, I see no point in backing out of the second date. 2
rjc149 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 22 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: After one date he is texting every day. Needy. Probably turning you off. 23 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: I don’t feel like I am 100% available emotionally. I am prob 50%? 60? What does 100% feel like? Why does dating require 100% emotional availability? Curious to know what criteria you're using. I have never, in my life, been 100% available emotionally. 24 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: I just want to go out on a couple/ three nice dates with diff guys and have fun. Nothing wrong with that, as long as you're paying your share of the tab and not leading these guys on. 24 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: I did agree to a second date. Should I just go on the second date and see if I feel any different? Or should I let him go now? Agreeing to go on another date with him in no way obligates any sort of commitment to him. You're putting too much expectation on this. Just have fun. 26 minutes ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: How do you get to be emotionally available again? Time, therapy, and most of all, meeting someone you really like.
Author lonelyplanetmoon Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 Thanks, I think you are right. I will just feel it out. I just don’t want to feel pressured into a relationship. I guess that is what I need to watch out for. If he is so focused on what he wants that he does not take my feelings into consideration then I walk. 1
Author lonelyplanetmoon Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 @rjc149 I have been 100% emotionally available when I was younger. You feel completely open to someone. I think I have been there. Maybe it was co-dependency . Yes we do have a good time together. I guess I just need more time. I did do therapy for a bit. 1
Legatus Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 I am also interested in this 100%. In this case I think to me it's quite binary thing: being ready to date vs not being ready to date. I can be ready to date at 30%, you might need 100%. Those numbers are meaningless because you can't quantify your openness. Even few months ago I also thought that you need to be open like a book to be able to date, I was like that, got co-dependent, got crushed, now I'm crawling out of dependency and see the world in different light. I don't need people to be at the same emotional level as I am as long as we communicate and we fulfil each other's emotional needs. It's more about the crossover between the two rather than whether both parties are at 100%... You felt like you're ready to date, that's great, make it known to anybody you meet, in your own way, that this is what you want to do: date. And who knows, perhaps something clicks with one of the guys and then you'll feel that you're ready to move..
Blind-Sided Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 8 hours ago, rjc149 said: Needy. Probably turning you off. ............. Time, therapy, and most of all, meeting someone you really like. I wouldn't automatically say it's "Needy". If it's a constant, back and forth... that's one thing. But if it's a simple "How was your day", or something like that... then that can be uplifting. I don't think we know enough on that point. @lonelyplanetmoon RJC's last point is valid. Time is the big one... and therapy can just be spending time, and talking with friends. I've also just started dating again after a 20 year relationship, and an UGLY divorce. I thought I was ready, and have gone out a few times. I had a lot of fun, when it was a group outing. (A few friends, and a girl I was being introduced to) In these situations, there is little pressure, and you can relax, and enjoy yourself. The times I've been out and it felt more like a "Date"... I too had issues, and didn't feel I could continue. But, go out on that second date, and let the guy know that you may not be ready to be serious with anyone. But if he is a nice guy... don't just cut him lose. Maybe... have that second date, but ask to meet at a restaurant or bar with some of your friends as a "Security blanket"... and you may enjoy yourself more. But just be honest with the guy.
stillafool Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 9 hours ago, lonelyplanetmoon said: am still shaky as far as being really ready for a serious relationship. I don’t feel like I am 100% available emotionally. I am prob 50%? 60? I just want to go out on a couple/ three nice dates with diff guys and have fun. I only signed up for a month. Why would you need to be 100% emotionally available just to date. You will become available emotionally when you fall in love. You won't be able to prevent it. You can't turn your emotions on and off with a switch. If you want to date different guys and have fun be honest with those guys that you aren't looking for a relationship but just want to date. I doubt most of them will have a problem with it. 1 1
Miss Spider Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 Agree with stillafool. ‘Emotionally unavailable’ basically means unavailable to those people because you don’t like them enough. You can’t expect to fall for everyone you meet. Just date and have fun. Don’t force it,
rjc149 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 57 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: I wouldn't automatically say it's "Needy". If it's a constant, back and forth... that's one thing. But if it's a simple "How was your day", or something like that... then that can be uplifting. I don't think we know enough on that point. Texting her every day after 1 date? He barely knows her. I think most women like this kind of attention on the surface, much akin to how they like being coddled and worshipped by nice guy boyfriends but it fundamentally turns them off after a little while. 1
Ellener Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 I think it's a difficult balance, I mean if you have one good date then don't hear from the person for 10 days that would be disappointing the other way, and impossible to attach or get to know them. 'Emotionally available' is probably the wrong term, it means you can cope with discomfort ( such as being bombarded with texts! ) Look over your profile again and make sure you are not sending the wrong message for you, a lot of profiles say 'looking for serious relationship' type things simply to deflect sex-pests or time-wasters, tell the people you date you are just starting to date again and taking it slow, then don't worry too much.They are responsible for their own emotions. Don't be afraid to 'set the tone', you don't have to reply to everything or feel pressured to do anything you don't want to.
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) There is already an imbalance. You should cut him loose. If anyone had a great date with someone, then the second date they were told they were not ready to commit to anything....would that not be off putting? I sure would feel I was taken advantage of because well most are looking to date someone that doesn't have that baggage that's still tied around their neck. If you have been talking to this guy for sometime, why not mention it?? Nothing wrong with dating casually to enjoy getting out and meeting new people so why hide it? Edited February 25, 2020 by smackie9
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 I would not go through the trouble of going on a first date if a man told me he is 50% emotionally available. You need to be 100% crystal clear in your profile that you are only looking to casually date and not ready to commit. There is nothing more frustrating for people 'ready' to date to waste their time with people who aren't ready but don't say it.
SumGuy Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 I agree with the just go for it crowd and don’t elevate it into a big thing at this stage. Even if your only 50% emotionally available there could well be a man who is the same. Who wants a relationship (even exclusive) but one not too involved at the moment. Avoidant relationship styles are common.
Author lonelyplanetmoon Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 Thank you everyone for responding. I have been mulling over the concept of not being 100% EA (or at least 80%). It never crossed my mind that it is ok to be less so. To me I would feel dishonest in some way. I will just slog through it (The dates) until my membership expires and then take a break to assess where I am at. i put in my profile “looking for a guy to spend time with”. Hope that is vague enough. i am going to read all your responses over a few times to help me process. I really do just want to have fun and some laughs with nice guys.
Miss Spider Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 (edited) Just wondering why you’re on pay site if you’re just looking for a guy to have fun with? It just seems like people on pay sites re taking things more seriously in order to find someone (not that you won’t run into it on free sites) Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1
Author lonelyplanetmoon Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 I am older (47), and don’t do social media (by choice, I am quite tech savvy for my age) and so don’t have a lot of experience or trust with the free apps. I just feel more comfortable with people who may be more old school like me. But yes I guess you do bring up a good point. I also thought I was more ready than I am. Sounds nice to have a guy pinning for you but it sucks that you can’t reciprocate. 1
manfrombelow2 Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 He clearly doesn't know how to attract you romantically. And you clearly don't like him romantically. So why force it? Just delete his number and let him go.
scooby-philly Posted April 1, 2020 Posted April 1, 2020 Hey my friend, Responding to your thread - didn't see it a month ago - though I'm using the forums less and less. I don't think there's such a number. Because being "emotionally available" in any circumstance is dependent on so many things. You may feel like you 100% ready and then something happens and boom - you're back down to 50% or you meet the wrong type of person in the early stages and boom - your confidence is shot and you're down to 33% suddenly. But....there is something to be said about being "ready" and also tied to that is emotional honesty. After a divorce or a breakup - most people need time (and the healthy ones want time) to go through the grieving process. Once you emerge - there's a point where you start dating or start trying and then I bet for a lot of people, they realize they're "not ready"...and a few more weeks or months pass by and then - the desire returns and they get back out there and only a small percentage feel "unready" and stop while most get back into the things at the speed and level that suits them. The other key thing is the emotional honesty. I think that's the biggest things we struggle with as a species. We lie, we hide, we downplay, we swallow, we ignore, we fake, we manipulate, we fool around with being emotionally honest with each other. Given you were married for a long time, it's 100% natural to feel you aren't completely ready for it. As long as your honest about your story and your feelings and your words and actions don't lead guys on - just move forward as best as you can and enjoy the ride! For me, I'm getting close to 7.5 months out of a 2 yr relationship as you know and while I don't want to sit here wasting more time, I knew at 2-3 months that I wasn't really ready to date anyone - so I let someone go after a first date and really stopped doing much for 2-3 months as I wanted time to heal - and not just from the past relationship but also life and trying to start a new foundation for myself in several areas. While I want a ltr that leads to marriage and kids (before I get too old lol) I cannot honestly look at myself and my heart 3-4 months ago and say I was ready to start something with someone. Trust your gut, be open and honest with yourself first, and be open and honest with any guys you meet along the way. 1
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