Gold Pile Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 You love each other or are on the brink of love. Your partner identifies a trait (of yours) that needs to change. ie: be more outgoing, interact with her kids more, be more...or be less charitable, start exercise program, stop smoking, etc Yeah, yeah I know... needs to love you for who you are. Still, how much would you try to change, if at all?
Barby Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Honestly it would depend on the exact "trait".....if it was physical (ie weight, way form of dress, ect) then I would probably tell them to hit the road...(if this was the "on the brink of love" scenario)....they met you/dated you being that way......so what makes them request a change now? However if it was a negative attitude, gain/loss of weight, depression leading to anti-social behavior, ect. (this being the "in-love" scenario) I can see one partner requesting the other to change a bit (mainly assuming it's for the "requested partner's best interest). However if it was something that was a real part of who I am or how I look in general then if the person I was with couldn't accept it.........I'd move on and find someone who not only accepted it, but actually appreciated it.
HotCaliGirl Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 This is a good question... in my last relationship, my boyfriend was gradually getting me to change more and more. He was extremely jealous, and would make little suggestions here and there that I didn't notice were becoming destructive to who I was. Some examples - he didn't want me wearing any make-up at any time. At first it was cut down on the eyeliner, then all eye makeup, then foundation, then only chapstick or clear lipgloss for lips!!! Then he would feed me nonstop trying to get me to gain weight, which is impossible unless I eat maybe way too much because I exercise, so he thought maybe I was throwing up and would make me use the bathroom with the door open to keep an eye on me. So then he thought I was going to the gym more than I needed to and would make excuses for me not to go. He would also get upset if I answered my cell phone that was taking attention away from him, even if it was work related or from a family member! He didn't like me to wear cute outfits and the list goes on...this was all very gradual and I didn't realize the extent until my hairdresser who thought I was so hip and cute was wondering what was going on! so did my sister and friends - everyone was like what the ###? I guess when you love someone you think they want what is best for you and it doesn't cross your mind that they are making you do things because of THEIR insecurities and to make them feel better, even if it's not good for you. That's why it's important to have honest and caring friends and family who can point things out when love blinds you. I was so blind to what he was doing that I thought maybe my friends and family were intentionally trying to break us up...mind you this all went down over a number of years, it was so gradual that I didn't realize how I had changed my ways and when it hit me, it was a shocking thing. It's helped me to become more empathetic towards others. Whereas before I would think surely someone would know how controlling that behavior is, they should know better and leave him - but having gone through it, I can see that the person can not know what is being done to them and it is a difficult thing to go through and for others to understand, even to admit to yourself, especially if you think of yourself as a strong, independent person who is loved and respected by your significant other.
Outcast Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Depends. Why do you want to hang on to it? Is it a good, beneficial, worthy trait or a stubborn little habit that doesn't enhance your life? In the words of Dr. Phil (who's not all bad), is it 'changeworthy' behaviour? Will you be a better human being if you change?
RecordProducer Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 Yeah, yeah I know... needs to love you for who you are. Still, how much would you try to change, if at all? To love someone for who they are doesn't mean that we shouldn't make adjustments to fit in the community. We teach our children to fit in the society (good, manners, working habits, reliability, responsibility, politeness, etc.). Nobody owes us the favor of putting with all our faults. By accepting to do some adjustments, we hopefully motivate others to adapt to our needs as well. Just like by offering reliability the bank motivates you to put your money in it, by adjusting yourself to your partner, you motivate them to adjust you. There are things for which we fall in love with someone and we have no right to ask them to change in those areas, such as religion, sense of humor, ambition, etc. We cannot demand from someone to be funnier, more talkative or passionate. We do have a right to request them not to nag or gain weight though. There are things that emerge later down the line and need to be solved. E.g. I am always late and have no sense for time. Does that mean that my partner should adjust to my bad habit? Wouldn't it be properer for me to adjust to his good habit and try to be always on time? The main issue related to changes is that people tend to stay the same, while their partners have little understanding for their attempts to make the changes. In that case people become defensive and refuse to change. The change has to be voluntary in order to be successful. On the other hand, the request for a change has to be reasonable as well.
Woggle Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 If they were trying to help me overcome a negative trait then would not mind but as far as changing who i am I would not do that. They either take me as I am or they don't take me at all. I treat my partners the same way. My girlfriend likes to make herself up and dress nice and it doesn't bother me at all. I trust her enough to know she is not cheating. If I fall in love with somebody why would I want to change everything I fell in love with? I don't get people who try to do that.
RecordProducer Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 the brink of love" scenario)....they met you/dated you being that way......so what makes them request a change now? However if it was a negative attitude, gain/loss of weight, depression leading to anti-social behavior, ect. (this being the "in-love" scenario) I can see one partner requesting the other to change a bit (mainly assuming it's for the "requested partner's best interest). I wouldn't even go to the "they met you that way" area. In most cases they meet you as young, healthy, and pretty. Does it mean they have a right to replace you once you're older and perhaps not healthy anymore? In fact you can fall in love with someone despite of their flaws and still want them to change later. The main point is not to give your partner a hard time about it. E.g. I believe my boyfriend would marry me even if I have extra 30 lbs, but he would request from me to lose them as soon as possible. I think he would have the right to as he is the one who should look at me and sleep with me, it's possible to lose weigh, and it's in my best interest that my partner is happy with my looks. He also has the right to ask me to get rid of cellulite if I have it in 10 years (or now). I shouldn't give him the "you should love me as I am" crap. However, he shouldn't give me a hard time about it. Our partner's many needs are in fact mutual needs and should be treated as such and thus resolved in a civilized manner. That of course doesn't imply to your partner being unhappy with your small breasts or big nose. That is one of the situations where you can say "You should love me as I am."
Author Gold Pile Posted October 6, 2005 Author Posted October 6, 2005 The main issue related to changes is that people tend to stay the same, while their partners have little understanding for their attempts to make the changes. In that case people become defensive and refuse to change. The change has to be voluntary in order to be successful. On the other hand, the request for a change has to be reasonable as well. You always say it so well RP, Thank You
fusangite Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 You love each other or are on the brink of love. Your partner identifies a trait (of yours) that needs to change. ie: be more outgoing, interact with her kids more, be more...or be less charitable, start exercise program, stop smoking, etc Yeah, yeah I know... needs to love you for who you are. Still, how much would you try to change, if at all?There are very few things I would not do. Of the things you list, there isn't a single one I wouldn't do.
RecordProducer Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 You always say it so well RP, Thank You Who? Me?
Outcast Posted October 6, 2005 Posted October 6, 2005 He also has the right to ask me to get rid of cellulite if I have it in 10 years (or now). Considering there is not yet any valid scientific method of 'getting rid of cellulite', this would be an extremely unreasonable request.
jaye Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 I Guess changing things are only good upto a certain point more then that is just well too much. see all the problems in the world are because people trying to change things or other people to what they believe is right. But then love is blind i guess i its a love call i'll even change my sex if i had to but only in case of extreme love. Did i say too much?
Kengne Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 There are things for which we fall in love with someone and we have no right to ask them to change in those areas, such as religion, sense of humor, ambition, etc. We cannot demand from someone to be funnier, more talkative or passionate. We do have a right to request them not to nag or gain weight though. There are things that emerge later down the line and need to be solved. E.g. I am always late and have no sense for time. Does that mean that my partner should adjust to my bad habit? Wouldn't it be properer for me to adjust to his good habit and try to be always on time? The main issue related to changes is that people tend to stay the same, while their partners have little understanding for their attempts to make the changes. In that case people become defensive and refuse to change. The change has to be voluntary in order to be successful. On the other hand, the request for a change has to be reasonable as well. OMG! Do you know my bf? This is a constant gripe of his - my everlasting tardiness. We get into 'discussions' abt it and technically, I KNOW it's a bad trait that should be resolved for MY SAKE... but damn, change is hard! My mentality is this - this is how you met me - DEAL WITH IT! I'm not changing for nuttin'! lol. Seriously tho... I'm all about accepting ppl AS THEY ARE, and not really demanding or even expecting that they change. And this laissez-faire attitude has made me somewhat resistant to attempts to try to change me (yes, even if for the better). Now when it comes to other, nonpersonality traits e.g. weight .... I also believe in trying to be and stay as attractive as when you met me initially. AND I EXPECT THE SAME IN RETURN. If I met you weighing 180lbs... and 1 yr down the road you've blown up to 250 lbs... um EXCUSE ME? I DIDN"T MEET A CHUNKY, I DONT WANT A CHUNKY! If I have kids, and I blow up... love or no love you better believe I'm gonna exercise or lipo-suction my weight down... I'm not tryna be unattractive for my future husband. And I EXPECT THE SAME IN RETURN! K.
noname Posted October 7, 2005 Posted October 7, 2005 it is hard to call since it is such a personal affair. i never thought i would change ... then i OD'ed and changed way too much to where it turned to resentment. i will say this... 1) if it is something minor that you can live with and it will help your relationship it won't hurt to give it a try. 2) don't ever change what you are not fully comfortable changing yourself. in other words, if it is something you feel comfortable with try it out. if you are changing just to impress her or get her off your back, it is most likely not a good thing 3) and be careful of tricking yourself into thinking you want to change when you really don't. love has a funny way of fooling your subconcious into doing things it wouldn't normaly do...
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