Uptown182 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 So I’ve been dating my boyfriend for 5 and a half months, he asked to be exclusive on the third date. He’s a divorced father of two young children, and he’s very dedicated to his kids, he lives a few blocks away from them. He’s met my mom and step dad, he hasn’t met my dad yet because my dad lives out of state in the winter months. I’ve met his brother and his friends, and have spoken with his other brother and mom through video chat with him, since they live overseas. I have not met his kids yet, he has mentioned introducing me once or twice but it just hasn’t happened yet. In the beginning I thought I’d give him 6 months to introduce me, but now since the 6 month mark is drawing close I think I need to bring it up (I have never brought it up before). He had introduced his ex gf to the kids, and the kids didn’t take it well so I know he’s apprehensive about introducing someone new to them. We’ve discussed a future together, like having kids and stuff and we’re on the same page when it comes to that. Another issue, is we live about 40 minutes from each other, see each other twice a week and that’s how it’s been since we first started dating. We’re both busy, he has his own business and works 6 days a week and sees his kids almost every day. He also has his kids every Saturday night into Sunday and spends the whole day Sunday with them, which is his only day off. So him and I only get to spend evenings together, unless the ex wife takes the kids away for the weekend. He tells me he loves me all the time, and always says how I’m so right for him however I sometimes I feel like the relationship isn’t progressing, I mean yes I love him and I feel comfortable with him now, and the emotional connection has definitely grown. But in terms of us seeing each other more and doing more things together, its moving at a glacial pace. I think things may change after I meet his kids, but I’m not sure how to go about bringing it up? Or if I even should? For reference I’m in my late 30’s he’s in his late 40’s.
alphamale Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 well I don't know what he said about having more kids but I can almost guarantee he won't want any more due to his age and being responsible for the two he already has. regarding meeting his offspring, just talk to him and say it's been 6 months and YOU are ready to meet them. his answer may tell you a lot. actually you have waited long enough, you should have asked him after you guys hit the 3-4 month mark. good luck 6
spiderowl Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 (edited) Your instinct is telling you something, that things do not seem to be progressing. Pay attention to your instinct. i have to say, I agree with alphamale that your guy is probably not going to prioritise having more children. He is busy enough with the ones he’s got. It sounds like this guy cares about you but he is working at his maximum as it is. He has children, work, a girlfriend in the evenings. Why would he want to change the status quo? I think you need to consider whether this guy is the one for you. Is he really going to offer you the future you want? Edited February 24, 2020 by spiderowl 4
elaine567 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 1 hour ago, Uptown182 said: Another issue, is we live about 40 minutes from each other, see each other twice a week and that’s how it’s been since we first started dating. You are little more than a FWB sorry to say. Twice a week sex with all that he has going on n his life - perfect. He has you hanging around "waiting" with promises of a future, but I highly doubt that is going to happen. He has his hands full and that may be OK if he was younger but do you really think he will want to be bothered with babies and toddlers in his 50s? He is already an older father if he has young children in his late 40s, I doubt he will really want to start that all again with you. This is IMO a total waste of your time and in your late 30s you can't afford to waste any time. 3 1
Blind-Sided Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 7 minutes ago, elaine567 said: ............................. He is already an older father if he has young children in his late 40s, I doubt he will really want to start that all again with you. This is IMO a total waste of your time and in your late 30s you can't afford to waste any time. Sometimes you are a real downer... but unfortunately... You are right. OP... these are some of the very questions going through my head right now. I'm 47 with 2 kids, and several of the women I have been introduced to are late 30's and don't have their own kids. I know one wants a kid, but I have told her that I'm not looking for any more. She is still talking with me, but I don't know if I should let that progress, because I can see her in a few years pushing for a kid of her own. Also... one is very young, and says she doesn't want kids... but who knows how that could change in another 5 or 6 years. I would simply ask your BF... where does he see it going... and if he wants it to progress... then it's time to be introduced to the kids. In my case... My kids are with me more than my ex... and if I want things to progress with a girl... the introductions will happen sooner, rather than later. I wish you luck in moving forward. 1
Author Uptown182 Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: Sometimes you are a real downer... but unfortunately... You are right. OP... these are some of the very questions going through my head right now. I'm 47 with 2 kids, and several of the women I have been introduced to are late 30's and don't have their own kids. I know one wants a kid, but I have told her that I'm not looking for any more. She is still talking with me, but I don't know if I should let that progress, because I can see her in a few years pushing for a kid of her own. Also... one is very young, and says she doesn't want kids... but who knows how that could change in another 5 or 6 years. I would simply ask your BF... where does he see it going... and if he wants it to progress... then it's time to be introduced to the kids. In my case... My kids are with me more than my ex... and if I want things to progress with a girl... the introductions will happen sooner, rather than later. I wish you luck in moving forward. We have discussed having kids quite a number of times, I told him I want to have a child and he said he would with me. He says he wants a future with me. I think I’m going to bring up meeting the kids next time I see him.
chillii Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) Well , surely with knowing about the other gf meeting them you know there's no hurry, doesn't that show you how hard all this is for the kids. Don't force it leave it alone for now he obviously knows what's best for them and wants to give it time this time to make sure you two are gonna actually work out first. Only 6mths he doesn't need you pressuring to meet his kids yet. Just see how you two go over the next 6mths if things are still working out you'll meet them when the time is right , just worry about your relationship right now. When you both know that's real , and lasting , and the future , you'll meet them . Edited February 25, 2020 by chillii 2
SummerDreams Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 My opinion is that a person shows their best self when they start dating someone and with time they (and everything about them) gets slowly worse. When I started dating my husband we'd leave our jobs at 4, I'd get into buses and metros, he'd pick me up, we'd go eat and have coffee, we'd stay up till 1 o'clock in the evening and the next day we'd do it all over again for 4-5 months. We were exhausted but we enjoyed it. I mean, if things aren't ideal at the beginning of the relationship, I don't see how they will get better in time. He has shown you this is the pace he wants and this is how things are going. You'd better believe him. Since you are in your late 30s and you want kids, I'd suggest starting the discussion with him sooner rather than later or leaving him and finding a single man without so many professional and personal obligations. It seems you will always come third after kids and work for him. Not good.
Calmandfocused Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 In my opinion it is too soon for you to meet his children. As you said you have only been dating him 6 months and only seeing each other twice a week. You therefore do not have the foundations within your relationship to indicate that it is going to develop into a long term relationship (as it stands today) Introducing you to his children is not appropriate as it stands. You need to develop the relationship between you and him first before children are brought into the mix. I am a mother of two young children and even though I date and have had relationships, having children changes the whole dynamic of dating. You cannot afford to make the same dating mistakes like you would if you didn’t have children. Every action you take affects children in some way (positive or negative) For this reason I can understand why he is in no rush to introduce you. He’s protecting his children and their feelings which i think is commendable. Personally I think you need to concentrate on you and him first. Yes it will take some patience but If you want to pursue this then you have no other choice. 3
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) I have a gut feeling he's filling your ear with bull crap. You can't possibly know someone enough in 5 1/2 months to know you want kids and a future with them. IMO it's just talk. You are not exactly a part of each other's lives, you are just meeting up a couple times a week. That doesn't sound very serious to me, and I get the feeling this is what's crossing your mind....whether to continue or not. This calls for a very frank discussion with him..but talk is cheap, the proof is in the action taken after said discussion. Edited February 25, 2020 by smackie9 2
alphamale Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 45 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I have a gut feeling he's filling your ear with bull crap. agreed smackie9 1
d0nnivain Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 22 hours ago, Uptown182 said: I sometimes I feel like the relationship isn’t progressing, I mean yes I love him and I feel comfortable with him now, and the emotional connection has definitely grown. But in terms of us seeing each other more and doing more things together, its moving at a glacial pace. I think things may change after I meet his kids, but I’m not sure how to go about bringing it up? Or if I even should? For reference I’m in my late 30’s he’s in his late 40’s. You have only been dating 5.5 months. You mention all the people in each other's lives you have met. IMO you are meeting everybody but the kids & that should be OK. The kids already survived a divorce & now they have also survived a break up. That is a lot. Back off on the meet the kids thing. However, when the weather gets warmer perhaps suggest a "family date" like how about we take the kids to the beach / lake / pool or a local carnival or amusement park. Don't phrase it as a desire to meet his kids. That puts too much pressure on everybody. Just propose a family date. You said he owns his own business & works 6 days per week yet IMO he seems to be giving you the bulk of his non-work time. What else do you want? Do you actually except him to hire somebody for the business or close up shop one extra day per week just to spend more time with you? If you do, maybe dating a business owner isn't for you. Think long & hard about what pace would suit you & how you define growing closer. Be able to articulate specifics that your BF can do to ease your fears. If you just give vague complaints that will only leave you both upset & disjointed. 1
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